drinkpraylove

Hi, I just found this forum today and am in search of some other partners of high-functioning alcoholics to talk to.

This whole "thing" is new to me, and I feel lost. I have been with my husband for 12 years, and we have five young children. For the past few years, I have been at times concerned and annoyed at how much he drank, but I had no idea he was an alcoholic. He hid a lot of his drinking from me, and as a HFA, our problems didn't appear to be rooted in his drinking. Of course, in retrospect, I am starting to see how huge it really was, and how much his addiction did affect our family. All in quiet ways.

I feel torn. On one hand, I know my husband has a real illness. On the other hand, I feel like a spoiled brat to have the nerve to come here and complain, when so many partners of addicts have gone through absolute hell. I don't feel entitled to having my own issues to work out, if that makes sense. I feel like I should feel grateful he's just a HFA and not the more obvious type of alcoholic.

A few months ago, I found a stash of empty beer cans in a storage closet. Stupid me -- I was just annoyed that he hadn't cleaned up after himself. When I asked him what was up with leaving beer cans in a closet, he broke down and cried. He said he was glad I found them, and that he had a problem. I was so confused. My husband is not a big communicator -- and has really gotten skilled at freezing me out over the past few years -- so I was shocked when he launched into this confession that he had been secretly drinking, in addition to what he was openly drinking, and that he knows he is an alcoholic. I really, truly didn't know his drinking was at that level, or that he was an addict.

Part of my ignorance is that I'm a very busy mom, with little ones at home and older kids in school, I do some contract work in my "spare" time, and I have kept everything running in our household since my husband started to unravel about 5 years ago. I think I was tired of paying so much freaking attention to my husband, so tired of trying to draw him out and back into our marriage. I was weary of waiting for my funny, affectionate best friend to magically reappear. And I was especially tired of fighting with him, of every little thing being an "issue", so I just let the signs fade into the background of our busy household.

My husband has been in AA for over 2 months and seems to be making a lot of progress. He hasn't had a drink since the night I found the cans. He finally sought medical help for his depression, and has even started eating right and going back to the gym. I know I am incredibly lucky. I know sooooo many partners of alcoholics have it so much worse than I do. My husband is a loving dad, and has never been abusive to any of us (he is a quiet, withdrawn drunk). He has made me feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy, but only by withdrawing from me or flat-out ignoring me, not by screaming at me or physically hurting me.

I am really confused about my role in his life -- did I enable the drinking? Did I drive him to drink by stressing him out? Should I have seen this coming? And then I wonder where I stand now. How am I supposed to be the wife of a HFA? What is that? I don't want to do anything to mess up his progress. And I still feel blindsided by his alcoholism. He was really sneaky. He knew he had a problem well before I knew. He had already admitted it to himself and had time to process it before the big reveal. I really didn't see it coming. I honestly just thought he was an ass who was overindulgent in beer. And now he's in AA and being nice to me? I mean, what do I do with this?

Also, I just don't trust he is telling me the truth about anything anymore. When I look back on all the lies he had to have told me in order to drink as much as he did... all the money he spent on beer, getting cash back at the grocery so I wouldn't wonder where ATM cash was going, never using his debit card... telling me different stories about what he was doing when he was really sitting in our basement, chugging 40's. All the times he'd go for "a drink" after work, rolling in the door as I was getting the kids ready for bed (and of course I wasn't allowed to be pissed at how late he was or question how much he drank, or he would give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night). How he would always make it out to be that *I* was the crazy one, I was the harpy nag, that I was a jerk for expecting him to do anything more than bring home a paycheck. How do I get over this stuff? How do I believe anything he says? How do I stomp out that tiny part of me that just freaking hates him?

Thanks for reading... I know I probably need to find an Al-Anon group, but I'm not ready yet. I just needed to get some of this off my chest and maybe find someone else who understands these feelings.

Hollyanne

Welcome to Sober Recovery.
You are already on the path to healing.
My suggestion would be to allow yourself to feel all your feelings.
AlAnon would be my suggestion, but honestly, if you come here and just read all the stories, and threads in F&F forum, you will be doing a lot of good.
The best of luck on your journey.

JustAGirl1971

Welcome, drinkpraylove. (Love your name btw.) My AH is also an HFA. No DUIs, didn't call into work, etc. But, as you've said, it still affects everyone in the home. We just didn't know what to call it. Like you, I assumed much of the responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. I assumed it was mostly *my* fault and he was happy to let me assume that. I have no experience with a recovering A as mine is still drinking and we will be divorcing. I just really wanted to welcome you

If you haven't already, check out the stickies at the top. Also, since you mentioned it, Al-Anon is really helping me. You may want to consider just trying a couple meetings. There's no pressure to speak... people frequently just listen (you just say "I'm just listening today" or something similar.) I'll be honest, the first couple meetings really freaked me out. So much so that it took me over 6 weeks to get 3 meetings in, lol. Now, I'm go a couple times/week. I also found individual counseling really helpful. Aside from that, I read books on the subject.

I'm sorry you had to join us but am glad you're here

CarryOn

I think I understand where you are coming from...my RAH relapsed after being sober for 17 years and I never knew him when he drank. Our relationship had been deteriorating and I didn't understand why or how to restore it. I felt like I had been blindsided when he relapsed.

Something that really helped me was the three C's - you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. While alcoholism is a family disease, you did nothing to make him decide to drink - he did that all on his own. Unfortunately, his choices do affect you and your children.

So, he is working on his recovery...time for you to work on yours. Your top priorities now are yourself and your children. Let RAH take care of himself. Educate yourself on alcoholism, read the stickies here, check out AlAnon (at least six meetings), maybe consider individual counseling.

I had a lot of anger with my RAH. Still do some days. I'm learning to feel my feelings, understand what is causing them, and address it whenever possible. You've been through a lot...it's okay to be upset and angry, you just don't want to get stuck there.

My RAH is recently home again...it's not easy by any means (others will attest that early recovery is not easy). I am focused on living in the present, not catching myself in what has already happened or worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. My counseling and AlAnon have really helped me to be able to do this. With an A (whether active or in recovery), it's best to look at their actions rather than their words. Not the easiest to apply either, but their actions are the truth of who they are.

Again, welcome...keep reading & posting...lots of support and experience here.

hopeful4

I totally understand where you are coming from. I do suggest that if you don't want to do Alanon that you get yourself into therapy. It would certainly help you work through these feelings of resentment that you carry.

It is good that he is working on his recovery. I would recommend you seek out the book Under the Influence which would help you understand addiction and help you possibly come to peace with it more so.

Keep posting, you are not alone. SR is a great outlet.

ShootingStar1

I am so sorry for what has brought you to SoberRecovery, but very glad that you have found us. This is a warm, supportive, honest group of people who have lots of experience to share about living through situations similar to yours.

There really isn't anything called a "high functioning alcoholic". Alcoholism is a progressive disease and "high functioning" is a stage in that progression where the alcoholic has a problem that hasn't yet impacted their whole life, usually their work life. If the alcoholic doesn't stop drinking, sooner or later, depending on the person, they will lose more and more of their capacity to function in various arenas. The only way to stop this emotional, mental and physical progression is for the alcoholic to choose never to take that first drink again.

It is very good that your AH (alcoholic husband) has admitted and acknowledged his problem with alcohol and taken himself to AA. That is very hopeful.

We can't fix or repair our alcoholic partner's problems; they have to do that for themselves. We didn't cause their alcoholism, nor can we control it or cure it. What we can do is work on our own issues. You mention not trusting him, and being angry with him, and those are real feelings on your part that deserve to be acknowledged and honored. Alanon is a good place to get some guidance and support, as is individual therapy. If you like to read, Melody Beattie's book Co-dependent No More is a wonderful introduction to how we, as spouses of alcoholics, relate to them, and how we can move to healthier patterns of behavior.

Come often, post as much as you want. As others have suggested, the "stickies" are great sources of wisdom and they made me feel so much less alone when I first came here.

ShootingStar1

drinkpraylove

What a good point you made here --- that alcoholism is alcoholism. I think one thing that is difficult for me to wrap my head around is that he didn't fit what I thought of as an alcoholic. And then when I got online to read more, I saw a lot of "HFA" thrown around, so I assumed that was a legit classification. But thinking of alcoholism being on a big curve makes a lot of sense. Looking back, I can see the progression, especially over the past 3 years. And like you said, he was slowly becoming less and less functional.

I bought the Kindle version of "Under the Influence" tonight, so I'll add the co-dependent book to my to-read list. Thanks so much for everyone's kind words and insights!

HealingWillCome

Great move. For me, understanding the nature of the beast took away a lot of my anxiety and self-blame. And resentment for the A in my life. Educating yourself is really a powerful blessing.

And welcome, by the way. A mother of five and wife of an alcoholic...whew. Sounds.Plain.Exhausting. I am so glad you are here. I hope that you find this community to be as much of a lifeline as I did. I think you will.

Ellvk

Hi there....
Please don't feel like you are not entitled to your feelings or entitled to support here or elsewhere. Living with alcoholism is horrible regardless of the stage. People here totally get it.

Take care
L.

Katchie

I use to classify my AH as a "functioning" A... well, functioning only lasts so long; they progress with time.

It sucks.

BrokenDrum

Welcome drinkpraylove! I can relate so much to your post. I had and continue to have those same feelings about the relationship I had with my X-"HFA." I am grateful that I wasn't physically abused and my heart goes out to those who have been. However, the emotional abuse by the alcoholic is painful. The neglect, the disrespect (through lies and sneaky behavior), and the emotional detachment can make one feel worthless and destroy self-confidence. Your anger and pain are valid.

ShootingStar1 nailed it. There is no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic. I placed that label on my x for a couple of years and then the DUI came. Since he didn't seek help for a very real problem, I made the difficult decision to leave. I couldn't take care of someone who wasn't going to take care of himself.

I'm glad to hear your husband is seeking help - that's a positive sign. But more importantly, I hope you can find a way to care care of yourself. Tell yourself every morning that you had nothing to do with your husband's drinking. If you weren't in his life, he still would have chosen the path to alcohol.

In time you'll be able to answer your questions. The only advice I can give is once the emotions subside, follow your instincts.

Justwantnormal

Welcome to SR - sorry you're here I'm married to a 'high-functioning alcoholic' and can relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I felt my marriage slowly dying long before I could pinpoint the actual cause. The truth is, if your marriage is no longer 'functioning' as a result of the alcohol, then they're not all that high-functioning after all. One thing that really jumped out at me in your post was "He has made me feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy, but only by withdrawing from me or flat-out ignoring me". That is abuse. It may not be physical, but emotional abuse can be equally damaging. Don't dismiss that. I'm having a particularly rough time tonight, so I'll keep my post short. But welcome and please keep sharing. This community has been such a wonderful support to so many.

Lewis73

I wouldn't worry about not fitting in! When I joined this forum my wife was a HFA and I read stories about others that made me question if she even had that big a problem. Great mum, lovely wife.

Unfortunately, the disease IS progressive. Either get better or get worse...and pretty soon my HFA wife ended up causing me all the issues I'd read about. Kids walking out and living elsewhere, cheating, lies.....she moves out today, for good.

My point is not that that is where you are heading....simply we are all on the same ladder at different places - but no one stays still. Learn all you can so at least you can spot the direction of travel!

Blackhawkfan

Agee 100% with the posts above on you getting help for yourself and focusing energy and efforts on your recovery.

I thought I was a high functioning alcoholic. Extremely successful career, beautiful family, house, cars, toys, respected in our community, etc.

There is no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic and it is a shame this term even exists. Please read your original post and see the destruction and turmoil he caused you and your family. There is nothing fu

Blackhawkfan

Agee 100% with the posts above on you getting help for yourself and focusing energy and efforts on your recovery.

I thought I was a high functioning alcoholic. Extremely successful career, beautiful family, house, cars, toys, respected in our community, etc.

There is no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic and it is a shame this term even exists. Please read your original post and see the destruction and turmoil he caused you and your family. There is nothing functional about his life. Yes he was high....on booze but not functionality. I know. I was that person not long ago.

Wish you the best in your recovery. Recovery is a process rather than an event....and it lasts a lifetime for us. Good luck

drinkpraylove

Wow, the truth of what you said here really hit me hard. You're so right. When I really make myself look at what was going on... MY life was functional. His was so lacking. We moved to a new state about 6 months ago, and while I have gotten involved in some volunteering and have made quite a few friends, he has not made one single friend. Not one. And he used to be very sociable, lots of friends when we were younger, so it did concern me somewhat. Now I am realizing he didn't need friends because he had beer. That's so sad.

Blackhawkfan

I know it hurts as I caused similar pain. It wasn't until i started an outpatient rehab program and support through SR that I realized that i was no longer the person that i was before the addiction spiraled out of control. Addiction is a disease of isolation and loneliness and it causes the person to withdraw. As sad as it had become.....i fell in love with the bottle and focused my energies on alcohol rather than my loving wife and beautiful children. Makes a lot of sense to me now why our relationship went through turbulent times as i turned away from all of my relationships and focused just on the bottle.

The good news is that the person you married is still inside the body behind the facade that is portrayed to the outside. You can help lead him to change but he has to want the change otherwise it will never happen regardless of the # of AA mtgs he attends, therapists, psychiatrists, etc.

For me personally...the catalyst to change was severe consequences....without consequences i would have continued on the same self destructing path.

Wish you and your family the best.

LvWrAM123

Mine could have been described as a HFA. No legal troubles, good job/never called in sick, but truth be told, I was worried sick and he was starting to get argumentative and be a real A-hole by the end if the night when he was drinking. After an episode at Thanksgiving in front of family 2 years ago he drank too much and ended up passing out early in the evening. It was a major embarrassment for him. He sought OP treatment but never did AA and wasn't ever really in recovery. He managed to white knuckle it for about 15 months until his avoiding drinking turned to pot, porn and then a cheating incident, with secret drinking to drown the guilt. When this all came out he was certain he would lose his family over it all and he went to IP. He is really embracing recovery now and he too has acknowledged it was not until the reality of losing everything important to him (major consequences from his addictions-he was certain I'd have divorce papers ready when he returned from rehab) that he got serious about help. Everyone is 100% right when they say this is a progressive disease. It only gets worse until THEY want to change, for themselves.

If you read the various boards here, you will find that truth (it's progressive) and many others. You will also find that there really is no stereotype-addicts come in all types and from EVERY walk of life, but without a desire to change that comes from them, they all pretty much end up in the same place eventually.

Keep reading and posting-you'll definitely find support here.

SoaringSpirits

This was my life with my husband. I came to learn that 'cold shouldering' or 'stonewalling' (Google the Four Horsemen of Marriage) is a real killer in marriage. It is abuse. It is a sign that your marriage is in deep trouble.

They all function until they don't. My now XAH appears quite functional, but he's a master of appearances and deception. I can see it slowly progressing.

fairlyuncertain

Please don't stomp out any tiny parts of yourself!! Hug them, accept them, talk them over with a therapist or at Al-Anon. Your feelings are real and they matter, even the negative ones! Thank you for sharing your story.