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Head Racing Heart Pounding

Old 01-16-2014, 08:32 AM
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Head Racing Heart Pounding

Narc AH called went to VM calls me sweetheart and I love at the end. Wow now I'm sweetheart now he loves me (I wonder if he remembers my name he can name his DOC and fav alcohol by name)

He needs to talk to me. I am assuming he needs to get his stuff, at first I was going to pack it and put it in the garage but he has heavy tools and items I can't lift, then I thought I'm not packing nothing and he can do it all himself. But now i'm thinking is that right what do I do arghhhh
what are my options?
What if he talks about getting help then what???? or should I stay NO Contact

Goodness for weeks I've been living on the island of peace and tranquility now I'm crazy woman again. I have to make a decision , I have to do it now, wow my thought process has changed and it's not even 10am yet
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Old 01-16-2014, 08:51 AM
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If he TALKS about getting help, then he's just TALKING about it.

If he SHOWS you he's getting help, then you have some decisions to make.

Until then, nothing has changed. Take some deep breaths, focusing only on the in and out of each breath. You're overwhelmed and need to calm down. (((((hugs, my dear)))))
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:41 AM
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Amen! This is nothing you don't already know. If he wants to change, look at actions over the course of a looonnnggg time.

Hugs.


Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
If he TALKS about getting help, then he's just TALKING about it.

If he SHOWS you he's getting help, then you have some decisions to make.

Until then, nothing has changed. Take some deep breaths, focusing only on the in and out of each breath. You're overwhelmed and need to calm down. (((((hugs, my dear)))))
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:42 AM
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Ok your right give me a virtual slap. Get it together liloleme
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:44 AM
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It's ok, you can relax. You don't need to think that you need to make some kind of life changing decision right now.
This is why:
He can finish moving out for now. Will that destroy your relationship for later?
No.
If the two of you have something solid, it can be rekindled later. This one decision--about him finishing moving out or not--is not going to make, or break, the relationship.
The other stuff--the BIG stuff that is within the two of you will decide. Not this.
So relax.
There is only a few emergencies in life--stopping children from running out into traffic and the like---the rest of it, nope, not an emergency...and time will tell.
If he gets help, if he actually changes--which only the test of time will reveal--then you can choose, or not, to consider a relationship with him.
Right now he needs to pass the test of time.
So baby, sweetheart, and the rest, I would tell him save that for later. He might not like that! Or, don't tell him to save it if you don't want the backlash, but don't let it be a decision maker for YOU.
But your job is to protect YOU, and letting that kind of stuff get to your softer side isn't how you protect yourself and gain stability and sanity.
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by liloleme View Post
have to make a decision , I have to do it now, wow
Decision Time . . .



aaahhhh!




AAAHHHH!




AAAHHHHH!!!!

[having fun ]


my thought process has changed and it's not even 10am yet

Making me think of an US Army recruitment ad.

"We do more before 9 am than most people do all day."

1981 US Army Commercial - YouTube

We made fun of that back in the day, but looking at the dates, it must have been a good ad or something, because not too long after that came out, I recall I was doing push-ups at Fort Dix, New Jersey. THOSE were the days.

I remember painting the Big, Green "Be All You Can Be," down the barracks wall.

=======

Back towards you, and this century. All before 10 AM

We need an SR ad.

"At SR -- we worry more about our A's Words, Stuff, Behaviors, Programs, etc. before 10 AM, than most people worry all day."

Yeah, me, too.

Guess that is why we are here.
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:47 AM
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I just read a post on FB today by Buddist Boot Camp. Here is what it says:

Not making the decision to leave is the same as making the decision to stay. Althought we are taught to be tolerant and accepting, tolerance does not mean accepting what is harmful. Know when to bow out of harmful situations to honor the divinity within you. What you allow is what will continue.

Powerful stuff....
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Old 01-16-2014, 10:45 AM
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So curiosity killed the cat and he called back I answered. (glad I did actually).
SparkleKitty said "If he TALKS about getting help, then he's just TALKING about it."
You were right He said he found a few places he had written down and willing to give it a try, where to go. He's been trying to think of allot of different things He said he is a mess and trying to figure stuff out. I asked him to clarify what that meant he said" you know us , him , life. how can I take care of a marriage if I'm messed up, he said it makes sense to him " (makes sense to me of course but I am still not buying it the weekend is coming up )
Then the BOMB dropped:
He wanted to know if I was going to be home today because he pulled $$ out of his 401K and the check should be at the house today and someone needs to be there to sign for it. All of a sudden he's not a mess he wants to buy new tires for his 4x4 wow really he can think just fine.
The unladylike thoughts that came to mind I didn't lecture or say one word about it. Oh but I could I could say allot. But I held it in. Now he wants to come to the house when he gets off work and talk some more if that's ok with me.
Speechless absolutely Speechless
Like I mentioned earlier i'm glad I answered. I'm glad I was punched in the gut again. I deserve that for being so stupid.
I'm going to feel these feelings and accept these feelings.
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Old 01-16-2014, 10:54 AM
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It was not stupid...it was hope. Give yourself a break lady! Pick up, dust off, move on. Get back to the good place you have been in. You are quite able to say...NO.

Hugs!
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:00 AM
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It dawned on me he just doesn't want this marriage anymore.
And that's ok
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:01 AM
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"No" is a complete sentence. Interesting that he's having the check delivered to your house. He could have just as easily had it delivered to his current location. People change addresses. Manipulation at it's finest. And he's still just talking.

Get back to that island of peace and tranquility as soon as you can! Don't let him de-rail you.
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:20 AM
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I didn't even answer him when he said he wanted to come over after work or about being at home to wait for FED EX.

He's not saying how concerned he is about me or loves me still and misses me like I read other people say . No he calling only for a check. Recovery2 is right he could of had it sent elsewhere. Is this normal behavior for a alcoholic or Narcassist or both?

Getting back on the imaginary row boat to the island. I was proud that I was able to recognize my feelings and my mind, my heart hasn't been pounding like that in a long time and I noticed my dogs started jumping around they must of been able to feel my energy.
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:36 AM
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Its amazing to me how much alcohol/drugs can destroy feelings/emotions for 2 people . After all the crap I have been through I'm surprise I am the sober one.
Shoot if he didn't want to be married why didn't he just say so I think ive been blaming drugs/alcohol maybe he was just too chicken crap to tell me .
WHo knows right I think I need a Xanax
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by liloleme View Post
I think I need a Xanax


I guess THAT can maybe give a little sympathy for the "other" side, huh?

Everyone's path is their own, but a known good one is . . . . .

Think. and. Worry. Less. Pray. More.

Best to you.
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Old 01-16-2014, 12:08 PM
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O honey...if they are drinking...not drinking...drugging...not drugging....as long as they are still quacking...and he is...stay away!
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Old 01-16-2014, 12:09 PM
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Thank you I forgot about quacking I seem to keep taking everything so personal.
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Old 01-16-2014, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post


I guess THAT can maybe give a little sympathy for the "other" side, huh?

Everyone's path is their own, but a known good one is . . . . .

Think. and. Worry. Less. Pray. More.

Best to you.

I took a break and regrouped and thought how stupid that comment was. Everyone please forgive me.

I cleared my head and realized I fell back but i'm going to keep pushing forward on my recovery. I realized I am an ADDICT of codependency and I need to work on me. I never thought of the word Addict in those terms before. I never thought I was an addict of anything. Wow what an eye opener that was for me.

I wrote down 1 goal for today and I will by all means focus on that goal. I read it take 21 times to make a habit so I will keep that in mind.
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Old 01-16-2014, 04:53 PM
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So does your signing for a check from the retirement account affect any settlement when you seperate? I don't get why he would bother to send it to your house unless there is some reason.

By the way, I think you are doing a fantastic job dealing with this stuff.
You have come so far so fast and should be very proud of yourself liloleme!
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Old 01-16-2014, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
So does your signing for a check from the retirement account affect any settlement when you seperate? I don't get why he would bother to send it to your house unless there is some reason.

By the way, I think you are doing a fantastic job dealing with this stuff.
You have come so far so fast and should be very proud of yourself liloleme!
The only way it affects me is at then end of the year for tax time. I don't understand why he did also but that's him unpredictable.

Thank you, knowing I was not crazy and realizing how I was dealing with things in a dysfunctional situation helped me out allot.
I now understand If he is still using and not getting help he is still going to hurt me again and again and again. My husband is 36 years old with a mindset of a 14 year old. What can you expect from a 14 year old?
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Old 01-16-2014, 05:26 PM
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Something else I forgot to say is I have been dealing with this nightmare of what ifs and what's going on and I don't understand and what is wrong with him, What is wrong with me and maybe if I'm nicer or not so jealous and WHYYYYYYYYYYYY for a very long time. **** if someone just one person would of said he was an alcoholic /druggie I would of been gone along time ago. I wish I would of known the word codependency never heard of that one either.
Now that I know I am trying to get my hands on everything in site and listen and learn and work the program.
Once this is all said and done im going to buy the shirt Been There Done that Got a Shirt
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