towser

Hi,

This is my first post on this site. Apologies...it's kind of long winded!

I guess I'm for some advice, encouragement and maybe some comfort from posting here.

I live with my partner and two children - 2 years old and 3 weeks old. After our first child was about 3 - 4 months old my partner started drinking heavily, would get drunk most nights, mostly on wine ( about half a bottle to a full bottle per night ) after my daughter went to bed. I accepted this as I figured there was a number of things at play - some post natal depression, stuck at home with a baby all day etc....and in some ways she needed a drink to unwind. She continued to do this right up until she became pregnant with our second child. Up until the pregnancy her drinking had escalated to the point there was diluted vodka scattered in various hiding places around the house. So she'd have her regular glasses of wine in the evening but I know she was "topping up" with vodka at other times - the smell of vodka and just knowing she was drunker than the amount of wine justified. I confronted her about this at one point and it wasn't received very well. So I went back into my shell and lived with it.

After she became pregnant with our second child, the drinking stopped like a light being turned off. He was born just before Christmas. A week later wine drinking started in much the same way as before and last night I found diluted vodka in one of the usual hidey holes after I became suspicious that the amount drunk did not justify the slurring and glassy eyed look.

So the pattern has started again.

I'm not sure if she's an alcoholic. She shut alcohol out of her life for 10 months when she was pregnant, so I know she can survive without it. Why is this happening again?

Am I being overly harsh / judgemental?

I feel deceived and that makes me angry - why stash alcohol around the house?

I'm starting to feel obsessed with her drinking habits and it gets me down and depresses me.

I don't want my two young children being brought up in a house with this going on....but I can't see how to stop it without damaging confrontation and ultimatums.

I feel backed into a corner, trapped, nervous and unhappy - but she gets very defensive when I raise the topic.

Realise that there's no real easy answer to this...but I'd appreciate any insight into this behaviour and maybe some guidance around how I can deal with the situation.

Thanks for taking the time to read this....

Danae

So so sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences, but in the meantime---welcome!

No, it doesn't sound like you are being too harsh. This behavior is having a detrimental effect on your life. I'm sure others will suggest attending an Al-Anon meeting for you.

Please keep posting and reading at SR, this is a great supportive community and can be a lifesaver.

hopeful4

If you are here it is very likely it is affecting your own life enough to be concerning. You are right to be concerned for you and your children. You say you feel deceived, has she made any committments about actually stopping?

I suggest the book Under the Influence which is a good starting point in figuring it all out. I also suggest Alanon for you. One concern I would have is the care of your children. Is she capable of caring for them with this much to drink? You also have to make sure they do not drive with her at all.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is alot. I suggest the things above and therapy can also be a great outlet.

I agree, keep posting, you are not alone!

JustAGirl1971

First, congratulations on your new baby I'm sorry that what should be a happy, exciting, (& exhausting!) time has become not so happy, nerve-wracking, and even more exhausting

Is your son bottlefed? If not, you may want to consider switching him to formula as alcohol does cross into the breastmilk. I've not been in your specific position, but I do know what it's like to live with an alcoholic. At this point, my main concern would be with the safety & welfare of the children. I do not think I would want to leave small children alone with someone who is actively drinking.

If you like to read, you may want to check out all of the stickies at the top of the main page on this forum. I also checked a number of books out at the library. If you'd like any recommendations, let me know. Last two things that I found helpful were: counseling & al-anon.

Blueskies25

I've got young kids too so I feel your pain but mine are a bit older and in school and nursery etc, but like others here I'd ask if you're concerned about your Partner looking after the kids? I'd also recommend the 'under the influence' book. My STBXAH hid bottles of vodka around too and once I was aware of it I felt as you do now. My situation is different as he's no longer living with us due to affairs etc etc etc. I am not surprised your partner is resistant to any talk of her drinking-it's pretty standard-but you're concerns have bought you onto this forum. I've only been on since December and it's such a source of info and comfort. I receive counselling from a local addiction charity too, it's beyond helpful. My A left chaos behind him in every way. Also note comments re bottle feeding. Are Health visitors etc aware there's an issue? Do you have family near you? I know, as we all do, how difficult this all feels. Is there a pattern to her drinking? I found the best time to try and communicate with A was in the morning but it was never easy and for us, it imploded but that's not to say it does for everyone. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

FireSprite

Wow, what a difficult situation, I feel for you.

Regardless of whether she is an alcoholic or not, you are right to be concerned when there are kids involved. Ditto to the other's concerns about breast feeding - hopefully the little one is on formula so this isn't an issue for you.

One thing I have noticed as a pretty clear sign is that "normal" drinkers don't feel the need to hide their alcohol; they don't take the time & effort to dilute it. That sounds like a self-manipulation tactic to convince herself she's being responsible somehow? Couldn't say, but it sure seems 'off'.... that would be a red flag for me. A Golden Rule is that whether she qualifies as an A or not, if YOU are affected by her drinking, it's enough.

Keep reading here, there is so much info in the stickeys at the top of this page (that another poster already pointed out).

Stung

Congratulations on your new son! I'm so very sorry that you're finding yourself on this site so soon after his birth.

I am a stay at home mom too, I also have a 2 year old and a 5 month old baby. My husband started drinking right after our first daughter was born too. I feel your pain. I also thought it was somewhat normal because having kids is stressful, I just thought he was having a difficult time adjusting to fatherhood. I used to really enjoy a glass of wine after the kids were in bed and just unwind on the couch with my husband. With that said, it is really dangerous to drink in the middle of the day while you're the sole caregiver of small children. What if your 2 year old fell and needed to be taken to the see the doctor? Would your wife drive both of your children there after she had been drinking? Scary stuff. However, I do feel for your wife. Going from one kid to two is challenging at first and being a stay at home mom is kind of a lonely job unless you're out and about making an effort to socialize. Also, its not taboo for some moms to drink. Kind of sad to think about once you're on this forum, but its true. I do know moms who drink in the middle of the day or have a glass of wine once 4 o'clock hits, since their husbands come home soon after that.

My questions for you: has your wife said anything about feeling lonely or sad or overwhelmed? Have you asked her? Try asking. She just had a baby, maybe she is feeling some postpartum depression and she's trying to self medicate.

Does she enjoy being a stay at home mom? Was it her idea to become one? It's not a job that every mom enjoys. It's difficult and thankless. It really isn't for anyone. Maybe she would feel more self fulfillment returning to the workforce.

Does she ever do anything with friends outside of your home without the kids? Do you two ever book a babysitter and go on dates?

I've never really felt so much empathy for an alcoholic, but I do feel for your wife. I hope you can gently have a talk with her about your concerns because her health and happiness is so vitally important to the stability of your entire family.

Catherine628

Welcome to SR. Sorry for your situation though. I remember being in the stage where I questioned whether my husband was an alcoholic or not. It was agonizing and confusing. My opinion is hidden vodka bottles point to a problem. I found them too.

The book Under the Influence really has good info. It talks about the stages of alcoholism. Some of the info on the middle staged talks about the alcoholic's attempts to control drinking. There is the physical dependence driving the need to drink and often an internal struggle to "prove" that the drinking can be controlled. This can look like only drinking on the weekend, switching to beer, stopping due to probation from a DUI or maybe in your wife's case stopping for pregnancy.

Very often those closest to the alcoholic are blind to the progression of the disease. I figured if my husband could stop for months to train for marathons he wasn't really an alcoholic, just maybe a heavy drinker. Truth is its progressive without treatment. Unfortunately it sounds like your wife picked up right where she left off.

Learning all I could about alcoholism, finding a counselor licensed in addiction treatment (for me so I could learn about the effects of alcoholism), and going to Al-Anon really helped me.

I did research rehabs for AH but became hyper focused on getting him into treatment. My whole world revolved around it in fact for nearly 6 months. Wished I just given him the info and learned to detach better during that time.

Best of luck to you.

Catherine628

Oh and you mentioned being obsessed with her drinking habits. I can certainly relate. Her drinking really sounds like it is impacting your well being. Al Anon teaches the 3 C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.