Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Update
It's been a while since I posted anything, but lately I've felt like I needed a little guidance, or maybe a little reassurance, and came back here.
XAH and I have been divorced since July. He quit his job in June before the divorce was final, but agreed to the child support amount in our settlement (true A mentality) and was going to work for his dad while looking for a job. You can imagine how hard he's been looking for a job, and the working for his dad lasted exactly one month.
He hasn't exercised his visitation rights (not that I'm complaining), hasn't helped out on medical expenses or activity fees, makes promises to our 4 boys that he doesn't fulfill, and is just plain crazy to deal with. . .but I haven't felt such peace in years at home. Sometimes I wonder how I survived that life of chaos for 13 years, and some times I feel sad for my children for having to endure the emotional pain of having a deadbeat dad because of my own poor choices. But the kids have a stable home and are having such successful years in school. The best compliment you can receive as a parent after a life-changing decision to divorce an A - having someone tell you your child is like a whole new person.
I guess the reassurance I'm looking for has to deal with XAH and our child support situation. When I made the decision to separate, I was prepared financially to do this on my own. In the meantime, since XAH has quit his job and realized he cannot pay the agreed-upon child support, we are going through the courts to come to a new agreement, but we keep going back every 60 days, XAH doesn't have a job, and they give him more time to find one before it is recalculated. When does this end? He is the one who is pushing this, but I just want to be done with this. How long can they drag this out, and give him continued chances? I guess I'm just frustrated. He hasn't fulfilled a single aspect of our divorce decree when it comes to the children. Any advice?
XAH and I have been divorced since July. He quit his job in June before the divorce was final, but agreed to the child support amount in our settlement (true A mentality) and was going to work for his dad while looking for a job. You can imagine how hard he's been looking for a job, and the working for his dad lasted exactly one month.
He hasn't exercised his visitation rights (not that I'm complaining), hasn't helped out on medical expenses or activity fees, makes promises to our 4 boys that he doesn't fulfill, and is just plain crazy to deal with. . .but I haven't felt such peace in years at home. Sometimes I wonder how I survived that life of chaos for 13 years, and some times I feel sad for my children for having to endure the emotional pain of having a deadbeat dad because of my own poor choices. But the kids have a stable home and are having such successful years in school. The best compliment you can receive as a parent after a life-changing decision to divorce an A - having someone tell you your child is like a whole new person.
I guess the reassurance I'm looking for has to deal with XAH and our child support situation. When I made the decision to separate, I was prepared financially to do this on my own. In the meantime, since XAH has quit his job and realized he cannot pay the agreed-upon child support, we are going through the courts to come to a new agreement, but we keep going back every 60 days, XAH doesn't have a job, and they give him more time to find one before it is recalculated. When does this end? He is the one who is pushing this, but I just want to be done with this. How long can they drag this out, and give him continued chances? I guess I'm just frustrated. He hasn't fulfilled a single aspect of our divorce decree when it comes to the children. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
It all depends on your state. My state gives 90 days after it's set... after that, they turn the HEAT up and put out warrents for being a dead beat, take away your right to holding hunting and fishing licenses ext. They figure if you can't pay, YOU CAN'T PLAY! Then if you have arrears for 2 years, they send you a letter from the state stating how much you owe and that they WILL take it from your income tax if it's not paid by the time taxes roll around. If you switch jobs and the new job takes it's good ole time in processing the paper work back to Domestic Relations, time keeps a ticking by and you best get a cash payment in because Pennsylvania will leave the lights on for ya and they will shut them off at around 2100. I'm not sure if they provide warm blankets though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
@Readreadread-I read your post about meeting with the child rep, and that must have been such a relief! I was relatively lucky that my XAH pretty much agreed to all of my conditions in the parenting agreement, but I guess that's because he never planned to follow it anyway. Ugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
I know in my state XAH can lose his license, and I can get his tax return. Also - he can't claim the kids as dependents on his taxes - I get two and he gets two. The thing is - it's going to be tax time soon and we're not to go back to court until March. I used to hate the idea of him being in jail, but on the other hand, he's not seeing the kids or helping anyway. . .and he'd be sober!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I think some time has to pass for them to hit the income taxes. I just know that it takes PA 2 years for them to come n get it. *rings dinner bell* Pennsylvania warns YOU that there is an arrear in such amount and they will take it right off the top. If said taxes are less than arrears, guess what? You get JACK and the state will be back next year to get the rest. That's how they roll.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
In IL they will allow you to get behind as long as the other parent isn't pushing it and Public aid isn't involved.
I no longer live there but dealt with it during my custody case. He was ordered to pay and did for 3mo, then quit. In order for me to take any action I'd have to go there, set a court date and come back for it. However I do get the pleasure of listening to him complain of how his other baby mama takes him to court monthly, every time he misses a payment she's there waiting on the courthouse steps. He has been arrested and lost his license over it. I don't blame her. I just don't have the time or patience to deal with it nor him!
I knew when he was ordered to pay that he wouldn't keep up with it. He isn't a very good parent. That being said I have never included child support as a source of income and do not recommend anyone does. Even if it is garnished you still face a chance at it ending. If you want them to stop postponing it, speak up. Let them know you feel like he is purposely putting off getting a job and paying an that takes a toll on the kids. Speak up, they won't bite. If you sit there without hesitation they will just keep dragging you back. Tell them your tired of taking time off work to make a court appearances for someone who won't take care of their kids. Why should you have to continue to lose $ and make sacrifices?
In the future do not depend on him to keep up with any end of the bargain. He's proved he's not reliable.
I no longer live there but dealt with it during my custody case. He was ordered to pay and did for 3mo, then quit. In order for me to take any action I'd have to go there, set a court date and come back for it. However I do get the pleasure of listening to him complain of how his other baby mama takes him to court monthly, every time he misses a payment she's there waiting on the courthouse steps. He has been arrested and lost his license over it. I don't blame her. I just don't have the time or patience to deal with it nor him!
I knew when he was ordered to pay that he wouldn't keep up with it. He isn't a very good parent. That being said I have never included child support as a source of income and do not recommend anyone does. Even if it is garnished you still face a chance at it ending. If you want them to stop postponing it, speak up. Let them know you feel like he is purposely putting off getting a job and paying an that takes a toll on the kids. Speak up, they won't bite. If you sit there without hesitation they will just keep dragging you back. Tell them your tired of taking time off work to make a court appearances for someone who won't take care of their kids. Why should you have to continue to lose $ and make sacrifices?
In the future do not depend on him to keep up with any end of the bargain. He's proved he's not reliable.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Ugh, I feel your pain. Am going through similar stuff with my newly xAH. We also have four kids, although they are older than yours. I hear you about how the house is so much more peaceful. My AH is also stretching things out regarding custody and support. My answer to you about "how long" it will go on is what has recently hit me like a ton of bricks: Until the last one turns 18 or graduates high school.
So this is where you have to develop some superior coping resources, detachment, letting things go, all that you learn in Al Anon and the like. You learn to compartmentalize the insanity the A brings into a neat little box that doesn't contaminate the rest of your blossoming life. Otherwise the stress will kill you. You need to be prepared to be in this for long term. As I'm learning, just because we're divorced, we're still very much married in ways due to custody and supports and long-term obligations and unknowns of both.
So this is where you have to develop some superior coping resources, detachment, letting things go, all that you learn in Al Anon and the like. You learn to compartmentalize the insanity the A brings into a neat little box that doesn't contaminate the rest of your blossoming life. Otherwise the stress will kill you. You need to be prepared to be in this for long term. As I'm learning, just because we're divorced, we're still very much married in ways due to custody and supports and long-term obligations and unknowns of both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Ugh. It has began to sink in with me as well that this is going to be going on for a while. 
I think it is harder now that I am out of the situation because his quacking sounds so absolutely ridiculous. I have absolutely no patience for it. I'm sticking with my daily devotions and every once in a while I crack open Codependent No More when I'm feeling a little codie. I'm not going to let him steal my sunshine!
You know his excuse for not finding a job? Mind you, he traveled for his job for years so that is "basis". Ready for it. . . . he wants to be our 4-year-old's t-ball coach.
Finding a job would totally get in the way of that - because supporting your children is not a big deal, but coaching them is. . . I don't try to understand it.
So, I've been keeping a file of his texts, medical bills, activity fees, etc. and I am thinking it is time to turn them over to my lawyer and tell her I'm done with this. I agree - I shouldn't have to take half a personal day to go down and spend 10 minutes in court because he can't or won't get a job. I guess I just kept thinking eventually the "system" would kick in and realize he won't do anything and would give him some sort of ultimatum. But the way this looks, it could drag on indefinitely.
I think it is harder now that I am out of the situation because his quacking sounds so absolutely ridiculous. I have absolutely no patience for it. I'm sticking with my daily devotions and every once in a while I crack open Codependent No More when I'm feeling a little codie. I'm not going to let him steal my sunshine!You know his excuse for not finding a job? Mind you, he traveled for his job for years so that is "basis". Ready for it. . . . he wants to be our 4-year-old's t-ball coach.
Finding a job would totally get in the way of that - because supporting your children is not a big deal, but coaching them is. . . I don't try to understand it.So, I've been keeping a file of his texts, medical bills, activity fees, etc. and I am thinking it is time to turn them over to my lawyer and tell her I'm done with this. I agree - I shouldn't have to take half a personal day to go down and spend 10 minutes in court because he can't or won't get a job. I guess I just kept thinking eventually the "system" would kick in and realize he won't do anything and would give him some sort of ultimatum. But the way this looks, it could drag on indefinitely.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Bwwahhh.....he wants to be a Tball coach so he cannot have a job?! I am cracking up right now.
I have two daughters. One is a competition traveling cheerleader, so you can imagine it takes quite a bit of time. The other found out she loves softball! Last year...wait for it...I coached her coach pitch team, managed to be at each game, got my other daughter where she needed to be....and managed to work a 40 hour per week job. I did that the entire summer until ball ended and will most likely do it again this summer. It was a blast.
I am sorry, I don't mean to laugh. That is just some quacking like nothing else! You should put it on the Quackers thread!
I agree with you, keep documents and send to attorney...stop dealing with his BS!
Hugs. I think you are doing super great!
I have two daughters. One is a competition traveling cheerleader, so you can imagine it takes quite a bit of time. The other found out she loves softball! Last year...wait for it...I coached her coach pitch team, managed to be at each game, got my other daughter where she needed to be....and managed to work a 40 hour per week job. I did that the entire summer until ball ended and will most likely do it again this summer. It was a blast.
I am sorry, I don't mean to laugh. That is just some quacking like nothing else! You should put it on the Quackers thread!
I agree with you, keep documents and send to attorney...stop dealing with his BS!
Hugs. I think you are doing super great!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
My advice to you is this:
Never give up
I've been fighting child support for the past 7 years as XH gets a job, looses a job & has long periods of unemployment.
I work "school hours" & pay for "everything" for my 2 girls.
The child support system sucks so badly in my country that just this week after going through my 6th child support hearing because I had been set to zero (the 2nd time this has happened) I was left with a $1700 bill at the end of it.
I hadn't received much & what little I did turned into overpayments because they re-estimated his annual income & backdated it to April 2013.
So not only am I struggling to pay for everything but not I am in debt.
Each time you go the situation again you learn a little more.
I thought I knew most of it until this last lot.
Honestly sometimes I just want to bang my head against a brick wall.
Each time I fight it is an incredible time consuming jobs to fill in forms & produce financials.
But I have done it & I haven't given up.
Another piece of advice - keep everything, receipts, bills, income proof, drs visits, the lot. The more you can prove the better result.
Good luck.
I know just how you're feeling.
Never give up
I've been fighting child support for the past 7 years as XH gets a job, looses a job & has long periods of unemployment.
I work "school hours" & pay for "everything" for my 2 girls.
The child support system sucks so badly in my country that just this week after going through my 6th child support hearing because I had been set to zero (the 2nd time this has happened) I was left with a $1700 bill at the end of it.
I hadn't received much & what little I did turned into overpayments because they re-estimated his annual income & backdated it to April 2013.
So not only am I struggling to pay for everything but not I am in debt.
Each time you go the situation again you learn a little more.
I thought I knew most of it until this last lot.
Honestly sometimes I just want to bang my head against a brick wall.
Each time I fight it is an incredible time consuming jobs to fill in forms & produce financials.
But I have done it & I haven't given up.
Another piece of advice - keep everything, receipts, bills, income proof, drs visits, the lot. The more you can prove the better result.
Good luck.
I know just how you're feeling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
@hopeful4 - oh, laugh away! It is just so crazy that's what you have to do - laugh about it. I don't have girls, but I always wanted a little cheerleader (hence the four boys) and I know how busy that is, and another one in softball. You are busy! And you worked AND coached!?! Amazing! LOL
My boys are involved in everything - especially my oldest. My favorite part of the year is coming up - volleyball season. I will have 5 weeks of nothing after school other than my oldest's cross fit three days a week. It's the only time we aren't active in a sport. And since we're on the sport kick - XAH wants to be involved, yet refuses to attend any of our oldest son's ballgames. Why? Because he called our oldest while drunk, called him a ****ing moron, and our son hung up on him. XAH says that was disrespectful. . .as if calling a 13-year-old a horrible name while drunk wasn't. He comes to our 11-year-old's JV games and leaves before the varsity game starts. You want to talk about one royal jerk. But he will be t-ball coach of the year?!?! Amazing.
It is just so crazy that's what you have to do - laugh about it. I don't have girls, but I always wanted a little cheerleader (hence the four boys) and I know how busy that is, and another one in softball. You are busy! And you worked AND coached!?! Amazing! LOLMy boys are involved in everything - especially my oldest. My favorite part of the year is coming up - volleyball season. I will have 5 weeks of nothing after school other than my oldest's cross fit three days a week. It's the only time we aren't active in a sport. And since we're on the sport kick - XAH wants to be involved, yet refuses to attend any of our oldest son's ballgames. Why? Because he called our oldest while drunk, called him a ****ing moron, and our son hung up on him. XAH says that was disrespectful. . .as if calling a 13-year-old a horrible name while drunk wasn't. He comes to our 11-year-old's JV games and leaves before the varsity game starts. You want to talk about one royal jerk. But he will be t-ball coach of the year?!?! Amazing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
@rosiepetal - 7 years!! And It is horrible that you have ended up in debt when he isn't fulfilling his end of the bargain reliably.
I also work "school hours". I teach in the same district my children attend, so I am off when they are which is wonderful. I pay for everything, and sometimes I think about how easy XAH has it as far as responsibilities go. But, I'd never get back on that crazy train, and I have the kids and my sanity. I came out the winner.
I am never going to give up though. I have worked too hard to cave in to him now. Good luck to you in your situation as well!
I also work "school hours". I teach in the same district my children attend, so I am off when they are which is wonderful. I pay for everything, and sometimes I think about how easy XAH has it as far as responsibilities go. But, I'd never get back on that crazy train, and I have the kids and my sanity. I came out the winner.
I am never going to give up though. I have worked too hard to cave in to him now. Good luck to you in your situation as well!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
