Katchie

After my conversation with AH over lunch on the 31st, I've been waiting for him to make the move to get bonafide help...it is a condition of mine if Im to stay.

He's been making a real effort; I don't believe he has had a drop. He is working like a mad man to put our finances back in order; something that has been a wreck for a while and he is making awesome progress at correcting. I can't even imagine the extent of it since Im sure I don't know everything, but I am so thankful its being resolved!

But...he hasnt looked into real help for himself like he promised. He has made little jabs at me here and there about my boundaries like, "Im not driving the kids anywhere.. Im not crossing that boundary!", or while watching a football game accusing me of causing his team to lose because I came in to watch the game. This doesn't happen all the time, but even saying something like that once a week sticks with in your mind.

Anyway, I just want to know what is an appropriate time to allow someone to get the help I have required as a personal boundary for myself and whats acceptable in this relationship for me? I've said it and I've got to stick to it, this much I know and understand. No different than what I have to do for my kids.. sad to say.

On a positive note, I enrolled last week for a couple of college classes..just getting my toe wet. I started and Im actually enjoying it more than I thought I would, and not quite as scary as I thought either. Whew..

Diva76

I'm glad you're bettering yourself by continuing your education...
As far as your question, I think that all depends on when you have decided that enough is enough....

When I broke up with my ex-narcissist, it took me almost 5 years to finally let go...

Unortunately, I'm a repeat offender and after him, I dated a guy I knew in Middle School who I broke up with a little over 2 years ago, and while I did get on with my life for the most part, I finally let go of any hope I had left for him when we spoke to one another on Christmas Eve...

Untreated alcoholism (this means stopping with no real recovery) is no picnic...(believe me...)
Are you ready to put up with his mood swings, irritability, and in general, inconsistent behavior?
The middle school guy is even more messed up now than he was since I walked away...

In a lot of ways, I'm no different than an addict...
I walked away when I had enough of the incessant drama and these guys
will "walk away" when they have had enough of their "mistress" and not before...

I would urge you to keep in mind when you're involved with an addict, you're really part of a "Love Triangle"

Have you tried attending Al-Anon?
It may help you sort things out....

All the best,



Linda

Stung

Well… it kind of sounds like you're setting an ultimatum, not really a boundary.

I have boundaries too, but I don't share them with anyone besides you guys and myself. There are no consequences for anyone else for crossing my boundaries, it just means that I need to take action to for myself, not someone else taking action because they didn't do what I told them to. (My toddler is the only person that I can set rules for and enforce consequences on when she breaks my rules.)

For example, I will not tolerate my husband treating me like a douche. When we talk on the phone and he acts like a douche I don't say "hey buddy, you're acting like a real douche and that means your broke my boundary. I don't want to talk to you anymore." Instead I just say "okay, I need to go now. Bye." and then I hang up. If he can't figure out that he's being a douche then he has problems that I CANNOT FIX for him. Amazingly, my husband has called me back each and every single time and apologized for acting like the drunk version of himself. Your milage my vary as to how your hubby reacts when you subtly enforce your boundaries. They are for us, not for them.

Boundaries are to protect you. Not rules for your hubs. At least thats how I understand them.

And I'm sorry that he isn't seeking help for his drinking but I am glad that he's been staying sober!

Katchie

My boundaries started out being just that, boundaries for myself, but then he asked me what was up because my detaching was obvious to him and he wanted to know what was up with me. I knew if he drove drunk again, came home wasted one more time, I would be gone; im not raising our boys any longer with a man that is drunk in front of them or risks their health and safety. So, because he asked and persisted to open my can of wiggly worms I shared them and they BECAME more like ultimatums.. hope that makes sense. Saying what I wanted for myself just came out that way.
But, perhaps I still have it mixed up. No matter, It felt good to get it out.

I do like how you take of your AH's bad behaviour though..thanks for sharing. Ill be trying that one out for myself.

Katchie

I havent been to alanon consitently lately like I should. I will be working on making that more of a priority again.
I don't know if im ready to handle the untreated dry alkie. Im so tired of it all. Once moment so nice and "normal", the next he's ready with some nasty quip that im too sensitive to realize is just a joke.

Diva76

Aww, Katchie...
I know exactly what you mean..
I'm proud of you for not taking it personally...
I had SUCH a hard time with that for the
longest time....
I think that's what is so hard...
We love the "normal" guy but hate what this disease makes them become....

AnvilheadII

so this talk was on the 31st of December? and it's now 15 days later. since he has made forays in other areas, at least not drinking, trying to repair finances, maybe give it a little more time? IF you are comfortable with that, of course. at least he is making positive effort....and maybe he just needs more time to really launch into a recovery program.

but then again, maybe not. maybe this is good enough for him. time will tell.

as for the snarky stuff....I hate to hear that. I think it would be ok to say hey, that's uncalled for - when you say ABC, I feel XYZ, so i'd appreciate it if you would not speak to me like that. then walk away. don't let it turn into an argument. speak your piece clearly and then leave it at that.

also make sure that you aren't letting snarky stuff slip out. if we want respect, we need to give respect. i'm not saying you are NOT being respectful, but it always helps to check ourselves.

Katchie

I guess its making me nervous because he said he would get help last year. Yeah, well, didn't happen. But I will be a little more patient and see what happens.
I can't say I haven't been a little grumped. I've bottled an awful lot over the years and finally have come to the point I don't want any of it anymore so, yes, I've been slipping. Ill try to work on that too.

JustAGirl1971

Congrats on enrolling in classes, Katchie! On the 'how long' thing, I would say that just depends on you & how much longer you feel comfortable waiting. My AH agreed to try AA at the end of Nov (counselor's suggestion, not mine.) He'd been sober about a month at that point but was clear that he considered sobriety a temporary thing. By the 2nd week of Dec, it was obvious that he wasn't going to go. By the end of December, he was drinking again and I knew what I had to do. I think you'll know when you've had enough. Hopefully, he will seek help before then. You sound so much stronger

unsureoffuture

I know they say look at his actions not his words. My A "said" he would get help too and it's been almost a year and he hasn't. This is the third time he has "said" he would but never followed through in the last 5-8 years. I finally see what everyone else has said. They truly will not get help until THEY are ready.he does what he can to protect his addiction. Not saying this is your case as your DH may be ready for change.

I am preparing to leave my ADH now because of the same boundary. The last time I confronted him I didnt give him a timeframe verbally. In my head, it was until the new year which was 7-8 months. In my opinion that was plenty of time. You have to set whatever time frame you feel is right for your situation. More will be revealed. The alcoholic cycle usually starts out with them doing everything to make amends with you (helping around the house, more involved, getting finances straight etc.) and then slowly reverting back to the original patterns of behavior. If your ADH is serious about getting help you will know soon enough. You will also know if he starts to fall back into the same patterns. Take it one day at a time and keep focusing on yourself. Those college classes are such a positive step for you!! Great job putting yourself first.

BlueSkies1

Everyone has given you great advice so far--

I just have to say that I KNEW...from the moment you joined this forum...I just KNEW IT!
You were the one!
That girl in a white dress holding a book...is really the one with the secret powers to destroy a winning team's football game!
Yes, the devil in disguise, and a very good disguise at that!
Who would have thought?!!!
Grown men weighing 300 lbs playing football...and YOU hold all the power!
You are very powerful indeed.
Actually, you are. Just not with football game outcomes. But powerful enough to make a husband believe you have such powers.

hopeful4

Katchie....so happy to hear you started classes! Good for you!

Katchie

I can't thank you enough for that awesome cheer..it really boosted me today!