Good update :)
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Good update :)
Sooo close to final divorce hearing (mediation scheduled for a 3rd time next month-- if he blows it off we have a hearing and it's done!) but more importantly, official divorce paperwork or not, the dynamic has FINALLY changed and I feel like I've lost about 195 lbs of dead weight (his weight!) from my life.
I still have to see him daily, have to communicate about the girls, have to stomach him being with them and worry about them when they are... But a switch flipped in me a few months ago and again recently when a looming court hearing not only went well but went amazingly and it gave me the ability to say F it to his antics and just not let his craziness get to me much anymore....
As many of you know he had me arrested this fall... While it was baseless, it's surprisingly easy for an abuser to lie and manipulate and have the actual DV victim arrested and he did so brilliantly.... He actually hit me and I didn't report it right away. My fauly. When I did report it he was asked for his "side" and created a different timeline of events complete with a "witness" (abusive drunk friend of his who beats his wife too!) and his story was believed. Despite having an ER report, photos, DV advocate who I talked to the day of the assault etc... none of that was looked at by the cops (the Chief of Police being one of his drinking buddies was the one who signed the arrest warrant- and that chap is now in a heap of trouble
). So I was arrested and charged with assault.
Fast forward 4 months. 4 months of him using my pending charges unsuccessfully as leverage, 4 months of me having to tolerate manipulation and verbal abuse and smiling and not reacting to any of it, 4 months of threatening to send me to jail and him believing he would be believed in court etc... As bad as it was, it taught me I could withstand anything and just keep myself centered and focussed on the girls and the truth and I waited patiently for my day in court.
Court date came last week. The charges were dismissed, arrest will be annulled and the prosecutor and judge told me they were sorry. The prosecutor called the fact that I was ever arrested and charged "baseless" and said the Chief of Police would be getting a call from him to explain his "investigation" since it was clear none took place. The Chief is going to be in some trouble I suspect and I could sue for false arrest I suppose if I wanted. The best news is that I am meeting the Victim Witness Advocate next week and I have the option for the prosecutor to press charges against xAH bc the evidence is obvious he assaulted me. The Prosecutor is PISSED with xAH for wasting his time and pissed at the police for a false baseless arrest.
My personal and professional reputation took some hits bc of this this fall and no one will ever be as interested in the outcome as they were in the sensationalized arrest story. And I am trying to be okay with that.
The girls are with me 98% of the time. xAH has and has all along had VERY limited visitation and doesn't exercise the limited time he does have.
A flask and empty bottles have been found in the car after he's been driving it and he admits to them being his so there is NO chance he will be given 50/50 custody nor will he want it even if it is given.
He is so ill and so mired in his disease that that is all he can focus on and while it is sad for the girls to have that as a father, he is no longer my concern and can no longer EVER hurt me again.
I feel like I have a new leash on life, my kids have a peaceful home (but still are having a hard time with an absentee dad and wishing he were around and like their friends dads)... I have no money, I have no job security, I owe my lawyer thousands and there is sure to be more drama before the divorce is final but mentally I have nothing more to do with xAH-- he doesn't get to control my mind and worries and emotions anymore and that is worth more than anything.
So, life is unstable here in a lot of tangible ways, but the intangible stuff that matters more to me than the rest, is totally wonderful!
Thought it was high time I share some good news and share that you can leave an abusive mentally ill A and go through hell and back in the process and come out the other side better than before...
Without this place it would not have been possible....
I still have to see him daily, have to communicate about the girls, have to stomach him being with them and worry about them when they are... But a switch flipped in me a few months ago and again recently when a looming court hearing not only went well but went amazingly and it gave me the ability to say F it to his antics and just not let his craziness get to me much anymore....
As many of you know he had me arrested this fall... While it was baseless, it's surprisingly easy for an abuser to lie and manipulate and have the actual DV victim arrested and he did so brilliantly.... He actually hit me and I didn't report it right away. My fauly. When I did report it he was asked for his "side" and created a different timeline of events complete with a "witness" (abusive drunk friend of his who beats his wife too!) and his story was believed. Despite having an ER report, photos, DV advocate who I talked to the day of the assault etc... none of that was looked at by the cops (the Chief of Police being one of his drinking buddies was the one who signed the arrest warrant- and that chap is now in a heap of trouble
). So I was arrested and charged with assault.Fast forward 4 months. 4 months of him using my pending charges unsuccessfully as leverage, 4 months of me having to tolerate manipulation and verbal abuse and smiling and not reacting to any of it, 4 months of threatening to send me to jail and him believing he would be believed in court etc... As bad as it was, it taught me I could withstand anything and just keep myself centered and focussed on the girls and the truth and I waited patiently for my day in court.
Court date came last week. The charges were dismissed, arrest will be annulled and the prosecutor and judge told me they were sorry. The prosecutor called the fact that I was ever arrested and charged "baseless" and said the Chief of Police would be getting a call from him to explain his "investigation" since it was clear none took place. The Chief is going to be in some trouble I suspect and I could sue for false arrest I suppose if I wanted. The best news is that I am meeting the Victim Witness Advocate next week and I have the option for the prosecutor to press charges against xAH bc the evidence is obvious he assaulted me. The Prosecutor is PISSED with xAH for wasting his time and pissed at the police for a false baseless arrest.
My personal and professional reputation took some hits bc of this this fall and no one will ever be as interested in the outcome as they were in the sensationalized arrest story. And I am trying to be okay with that.
The girls are with me 98% of the time. xAH has and has all along had VERY limited visitation and doesn't exercise the limited time he does have.
A flask and empty bottles have been found in the car after he's been driving it and he admits to them being his so there is NO chance he will be given 50/50 custody nor will he want it even if it is given.
He is so ill and so mired in his disease that that is all he can focus on and while it is sad for the girls to have that as a father, he is no longer my concern and can no longer EVER hurt me again.
I feel like I have a new leash on life, my kids have a peaceful home (but still are having a hard time with an absentee dad and wishing he were around and like their friends dads)... I have no money, I have no job security, I owe my lawyer thousands and there is sure to be more drama before the divorce is final but mentally I have nothing more to do with xAH-- he doesn't get to control my mind and worries and emotions anymore and that is worth more than anything.
So, life is unstable here in a lot of tangible ways, but the intangible stuff that matters more to me than the rest, is totally wonderful!
Thought it was high time I share some good news and share that you can leave an abusive mentally ill A and go through hell and back in the process and come out the other side better than before...
Without this place it would not have been possible....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I'm so glad to read this update. I think of you often and wonder how things are going. It sounds like you've been through the worst of it and it won't be long now until you will be free. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Things are better and better....
I certainly think the worst is over-- and whatever he throws at me, I can handle...
Truth is a mighty thing.
And true to A form, he is digging his own grave so to speak... I worried so much about custody and his fooling the courts and he did at first, but I stayed the course and kept doing what was right for me and the girls and he is slowly falling apart and showing that all the things I have said all along, rather than being lies, are the gods honest truth. And its his own actions proving that. Not me.
We see a counselor together for "co parenting" help and initially I wasnt thrilled with it. But she sees him clearly and she is an advocate for my kids and for that I am grateful.
It boils down to trust and control. The more I tried to manage and control it all myself the worse things got. Finally I just had to let go, trust the process that seemed insane, trust my lawyer who at times seemed off her rocker and trust that the truth would prevail. I threw my hands up in Sept and just gave up trying to control anything at all and voila-- things started to fall into place.
And the more mentally removed I am from his crazy BS, the stronger I am and the more the old me-- the one I forgot I was-- comes back...
So things are good indeed
I certainly think the worst is over-- and whatever he throws at me, I can handle...
Truth is a mighty thing.
And true to A form, he is digging his own grave so to speak... I worried so much about custody and his fooling the courts and he did at first, but I stayed the course and kept doing what was right for me and the girls and he is slowly falling apart and showing that all the things I have said all along, rather than being lies, are the gods honest truth. And its his own actions proving that. Not me.
We see a counselor together for "co parenting" help and initially I wasnt thrilled with it. But she sees him clearly and she is an advocate for my kids and for that I am grateful.
It boils down to trust and control. The more I tried to manage and control it all myself the worse things got. Finally I just had to let go, trust the process that seemed insane, trust my lawyer who at times seemed off her rocker and trust that the truth would prevail. I threw my hands up in Sept and just gave up trying to control anything at all and voila-- things started to fall into place.
And the more mentally removed I am from his crazy BS, the stronger I am and the more the old me-- the one I forgot I was-- comes back...
So things are good indeed
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
SO glad to hear your mental health has taken a turn for the better!
PLEASE do not believe that he is now beyond hurting you, though, and stay vigilant.
Some of THE MOST DANGEROUS people are policemen with substance abuse problems, a history of domestic violence, drinking buddies on the force, lethal weapons, and a BELIEF that they've been wronged.
You will NEVER be immune to lethal force, so always be aware where it is!!
CLMI
PLEASE do not believe that he is now beyond hurting you, though, and stay vigilant.
Some of THE MOST DANGEROUS people are policemen with substance abuse problems, a history of domestic violence, drinking buddies on the force, lethal weapons, and a BELIEF that they've been wronged.
You will NEVER be immune to lethal force, so always be aware where it is!!
CLMI
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I will not let my guard down at all... I don't doubt now one bit what he is capable of and THAT I think is my safety net. I used to believe "he can't possibly be this crazy" but I now know without a doubt that nothing is beyond him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
Things are better and better....
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
I am soooooo happy for you! Stay the path and it is amazing how they cannot hide their craziness forever!! I was so disheartened when I was reading how you were being mistreated by the system he seemed to have control over. I am so happy that all the ugly has been dragged out into the light.
You sound great! Yeah for you!!!! I am realizing I have strengths now that I never knew I had and I am so proud of myself, you sound like you are in that same place.
Take care and check in once in a while. You are one of the posters I wonder about. And if you ex is like mine, and I've seen similarites, his crazy may keep resurfacing but you will be so much stronger dealing with it!
You go girl!
4MyBoys
You sound great! Yeah for you!!!! I am realizing I have strengths now that I never knew I had and I am so proud of myself, you sound like you are in that same place.
Take care and check in once in a while. You are one of the posters I wonder about. And if you ex is like mine, and I've seen similarites, his crazy may keep resurfacing but you will be so much stronger dealing with it!
You go girl!
4MyBoys
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
True, but here's what I also see: YOU are better and better too. This is not the same WTBH that I first saw posting after I joined. Congratulations, your recovery really suits you. You are truly mighty and inspiring.
Codependent queen, excuses up the wazoo, justifying enabling as "being a good person" and I wholeheartedly believed it all...
I thought my identity was directly tied to how much I took care of others.
UGH!
I undoubtedly pissed off most everyone here for at least a whole year-- probably longer-- and it's easily those who called me on my codie BS whose advice I recall the clearest bc when I didn't want to hear it it's bc I knew deep down they were right.
It's not just xAH I am free of-- I have changed the dynamic of what I will tolerate with my family of origin and distanced myself from dysfunction that I will no longer tolerate... I am not afraid to **** people off to do what is healthy for ME and my kids anymore and I like the new me who has a backbone.... The spineless, scared, amoeba like wuss that I was was miserable and boring.
Being balsy is way more fun I am finding and I am remembering that pre meeting xAH this is who I used to be!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think about you too bc we have such similar stories.... And like you I have realized that I have strengths I never ever knew existed.
Oh yea, the ex's crazy will for sure keep surfacing... I just will keep meeting it with calm and dignity and firm limits and he can spin himself off into crazyland...
He showed up to pick the girls up looking to me to have been drinking so I exercised the parenting plan right to say I would be taking the girls to the Police Station to exchange them and ask for a breathalyzer before they get in his car. He screamed and yelled and then drove off without the girls. Pretty clear proof there. Then I turned my phone off for the day and took the girls to the coast for the day and had a blast....
So, he will always be crazy, but how I choose to deal with it is what changed.
Oh yea, the ex's crazy will for sure keep surfacing... I just will keep meeting it with calm and dignity and firm limits and he can spin himself off into crazyland...
He showed up to pick the girls up looking to me to have been drinking so I exercised the parenting plan right to say I would be taking the girls to the Police Station to exchange them and ask for a breathalyzer before they get in his car. He screamed and yelled and then drove off without the girls. Pretty clear proof there. Then I turned my phone off for the day and took the girls to the coast for the day and had a blast....
So, he will always be crazy, but how I choose to deal with it is what changed.
Originally Posted by 4MyBoys
I am soooooo happy for you! Stay the path and it is amazing how they cannot hide their craziness forever!! I was so disheartened when I was reading how you were being mistreated by the system he seemed to have control over. I am so happy that all the ugly has been dragged out into the light.
You sound great! Yeah for you!!!! I am realizing I have strengths now that I never knew I had and I am so proud of myself, you sound like you are in that same place.
Take care and check in once in a while. You are one of the posters I wonder about. And if you ex is like mine, and I've seen similarites, his crazy may keep resurfacing but you will be so much stronger dealing with it!
You go girl!
4MyBoys
You sound great! Yeah for you!!!! I am realizing I have strengths now that I never knew I had and I am so proud of myself, you sound like you are in that same place.
Take care and check in once in a while. You are one of the posters I wonder about. And if you ex is like mine, and I've seen similarites, his crazy may keep resurfacing but you will be so much stronger dealing with it!
You go girl!
4MyBoys
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is the best update ever! I am so happy for you and your girls! What a relief!
Our bestie...Karma...has a way of kicking someone in the pants w/out us having to do a single thing! Good for you!
Thanks for the great news! You are a wonderful inspiration to me!
Our bestie...Karma...has a way of kicking someone in the pants w/out us having to do a single thing! Good for you!
Thanks for the great news! You are a wonderful inspiration to me!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
WTBH - Wow, you have just made my day!!! I often think about you and the girls, wonder where the hello the karma police have been all this time. Well, I'll be darned, they really exist!!!
You and the girls have been through so much, it's time you all get to breathe a lot easier.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You and the girls have been through so much, it's time you all get to breathe a lot easier.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I worried so much about custody and his fooling the courts and he did at first, but I stayed the course and kept doing what was right for me and the girls and he is slowly falling apart and showing that all the things I have said all along, rather than being lies, are the gods honest truth. And its his own actions proving that. Not me.
That was my experience as well. The truth will out. Just give 'em enough rope.
I'm grinning a mile wide at this post. So happy for you.
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