Good update :)
 

Sooo close to final divorce hearing (mediation scheduled for a 3rd time next month-- if he blows it off we have a hearing and it's done!) but more importantly, official divorce paperwork or not, the dynamic has FINALLY changed and I feel like I've lost about 195 lbs of dead weight (his weight!) from my life.

I still have to see him daily, have to communicate about the girls, have to stomach him being with them and worry about them when they are... But a switch flipped in me a few months ago and again recently when a looming court hearing not only went well but went amazingly and it gave me the ability to say F it to his antics and just not let his craziness get to me much anymore....

As many of you know he had me arrested this fall... While it was baseless, it's surprisingly easy for an abuser to lie and manipulate and have the actual DV victim arrested and he did so brilliantly.... He actually hit me and I didn't report it right away. My fauly. When I did report it he was asked for his "side" and created a different timeline of events complete with a "witness" (abusive drunk friend of his who beats his wife too!) and his story was believed. Despite having an ER report, photos, DV advocate who I talked to the day of the assault etc... none of that was looked at by the cops (the Chief of Police being one of his drinking buddies was the one who signed the arrest warrant- and that chap is now in a heap of trouble :)). So I was arrested and charged with assault.

Fast forward 4 months. 4 months of him using my pending charges unsuccessfully as leverage, 4 months of me having to tolerate manipulation and verbal abuse and smiling and not reacting to any of it, 4 months of threatening to send me to jail and him believing he would be believed in court etc... As bad as it was, it taught me I could withstand anything and just keep myself centered and focussed on the girls and the truth and I waited patiently for my day in court.

Court date came last week. The charges were dismissed, arrest will be annulled and the prosecutor and judge told me they were sorry. The prosecutor called the fact that I was ever arrested and charged "baseless" and said the Chief of Police would be getting a call from him to explain his "investigation" since it was clear none took place. The Chief is going to be in some trouble I suspect and I could sue for false arrest I suppose if I wanted. The best news is that I am meeting the Victim Witness Advocate next week and I have the option for the prosecutor to press charges against xAH bc the evidence is obvious he assaulted me. The Prosecutor is PISSED with xAH for wasting his time and pissed at the police for a false baseless arrest.

My personal and professional reputation took some hits bc of this this fall and no one will ever be as interested in the outcome as they were in the sensationalized arrest story. And I am trying to be okay with that.

The girls are with me 98% of the time. xAH has and has all along had VERY limited visitation and doesn't exercise the limited time he does have.

A flask and empty bottles have been found in the car after he's been driving it and he admits to them being his so there is NO chance he will be given 50/50 custody nor will he want it even if it is given.

He is so ill and so mired in his disease that that is all he can focus on and while it is sad for the girls to have that as a father, he is no longer my concern and can no longer EVER hurt me again.

I feel like I have a new leash on life, my kids have a peaceful home (but still are having a hard time with an absentee dad and wishing he were around and like their friends dads)... I have no money, I have no job security, I owe my lawyer thousands and there is sure to be more drama before the divorce is final but mentally I have nothing more to do with xAH-- he doesn't get to control my mind and worries and emotions anymore and that is worth more than anything.

So, life is unstable here in a lot of tangible ways, but the intangible stuff that matters more to me than the rest, is totally wonderful!

Thought it was high time I share some good news and share that you can leave an abusive mentally ill A and go through hell and back in the process and come out the other side better than before...

:thanks

Without this place it would not have been possible....

I'm so glad to read this update. I think of you often and wonder how things are going. It sounds like you've been through the worst of it and it won't be long now until you will be free. (((HUGS)))

:ring :ring :ring :ring :ring

Things are better and better....

I certainly think the worst is over-- and whatever he throws at me, I can handle...

Truth is a mighty thing.

And true to A form, he is digging his own grave so to speak... I worried so much about custody and his fooling the courts and he did at first, but I stayed the course and kept doing what was right for me and the girls and he is slowly falling apart and showing that all the things I have said all along, rather than being lies, are the gods honest truth. And its his own actions proving that. Not me.

We see a counselor together for "co parenting" help and initially I wasnt thrilled with it. But she sees him clearly and she is an advocate for my kids and for that I am grateful.

It boils down to trust and control. The more I tried to manage and control it all myself the worse things got. Finally I just had to let go, trust the process that seemed insane, trust my lawyer who at times seemed off her rocker and trust that the truth would prevail. I threw my hands up in Sept and just gave up trying to control anything at all and voila-- things started to fall into place.

And the more mentally removed I am from his crazy BS, the stronger I am and the more the old me-- the one I forgot I was-- comes back...

So things are good indeed :)

SO glad to hear your mental health has taken a turn for the better!

PLEASE do not believe that he is now beyond hurting you, though, and stay vigilant.

Some of THE MOST DANGEROUS people are policemen with substance abuse problems, a history of domestic violence, drinking buddies on the force, lethal weapons, and a BELIEF that they've been wronged.

You will NEVER be immune to lethal force, so always be aware where it is!!

CLMI

I will not let my guard down at all... I don't doubt now one bit what he is capable of and THAT I think is my safety net. I used to believe "he can't possibly be this crazy" but I now know without a doubt that nothing is beyond him.

True, but here's what I also see: YOU are better and better too. This is not the same WTBH that I first saw posting after I joined. Congratulations, your recovery really suits you. You are truly mighty and inspiring.

I am soooooo happy for you! Stay the path and it is amazing how they cannot hide their craziness forever!! I was so disheartened when I was reading how you were being mistreated by the system he seemed to have control over. I am so happy that all the ugly has been dragged out into the light.

You sound great! Yeah for you!!!! I am realizing I have strengths now that I never knew I had and I am so proud of myself, you sound like you are in that same place.

Take care and check in once in a while. You are one of the posters I wonder about. And if you ex is like mine, and I've seen similarites, his crazy may keep resurfacing but you will be so much stronger dealing with it!

You go girl!

4MyBoys

Abso-freaking-lutely... Holy hell was I ever a hot mess!!!

Codependent queen, excuses up the wazoo, justifying enabling as "being a good person" and I wholeheartedly believed it all...

I thought my identity was directly tied to how much I took care of others.

UGH!

I undoubtedly pissed off most everyone here for at least a whole year-- probably longer-- and it's easily those who called me on my codie BS whose advice I recall the clearest bc when I didn't want to hear it it's bc I knew deep down they were right.

It's not just xAH I am free of-- I have changed the dynamic of what I will tolerate with my family of origin and distanced myself from dysfunction that I will no longer tolerate... I am not afraid to **** people off to do what is healthy for ME and my kids anymore and I like the new me who has a backbone.... The spineless, scared, amoeba like wuss that I was was miserable and boring.

Being balsy is way more fun I am finding and I am remembering that pre meeting xAH this is who I used to be!

I think about you too bc we have such similar stories.... And like you I have realized that I have strengths I never ever knew existed.

Oh yea, the ex's crazy will for sure keep surfacing... I just will keep meeting it with calm and dignity and firm limits and he can spin himself off into crazyland...

He showed up to pick the girls up looking to me to have been drinking so I exercised the parenting plan right to say I would be taking the girls to the Police Station to exchange them and ask for a breathalyzer before they get in his car. He screamed and yelled and then drove off without the girls. Pretty clear proof there. Then I turned my phone off for the day and took the girls to the coast for the day and had a blast....

So, he will always be crazy, but how I choose to deal with it is what changed.

I think it's time for an avatar change. ;)

I totally should!

Woo hooo!!!!

:D

This is the best update ever! I am so happy for you and your girls! What a relief!

Our bestie...Karma...has a way of kicking someone in the pants w/out us having to do a single thing! Good for you!

Thanks for the great news! You are a wonderful inspiration to me!

WTBH - Wow, you have just made my day!!! I often think about you and the girls, wonder where the hello the karma police have been all this time. Well, I'll be darned, they really exist!!!:)

You and the girls have been through so much, it's time you all get to breathe a lot easier.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

:c011:

That was my experience as well. The truth will out. Just give 'em enough rope.

I'm grinning a mile wide at this post. So happy for you.

BIG hugs to you!!!! This makes me so very happy!

Thank you for sharing.
It makes you realise how far you've come in your own recovery doesn't it.
Good for you & for your girls.

I don't come around here much anymore, but I am sooo glad I signed on today! This post made my day! You are awesome!

L

Big ole bear hug with a huge grin. :D So glad to read your update!

LaTeeDa! You and Suki were among the handful who rightfully called me on my BS codie enabler BS (that's quite a descriptor huh?) and I will be forever grateful for it.

But I know that during that time I was a colossal pain the a$$ and I imagine it took a lot of patience and compassion to keep coming back and continuing to try and help me bc I sure as heck didn't make it easy!

So, hearing from you (and from everyone) that you're happy things have turned around really means the world to me!

WTBH, I am thrilled to hear all of this! Yes, the legal system DOES sometimes produce bad results, but more often than not eventually the truth comes out and things work out fairly. I'm so glad that happened in your case.

((HUGS)) to you!

Thanks WTBH for sharing! It does sound like you are so much healthier now. It is also so helpful to hear about others who have to share custody of kids with an A. I am right at the point of leaving my A and that is one of my biggest fears not being able to protect the kids while they are with him. It is so nice to see you doing so well. You have a great perspective on things and I know that good things await. I think all of us when we first come here display those codie behaviors and BS excuses about why our situation is "different". I know for me, SR is what helped me to see just how "codie" I was and how everything everyone said to me on here made so much more sense than the BS I was telling myself. Best of luck to you.

wanttobehealthy-- I can hear healthy in your new "voice". The underlying frantic panic is gone, and you have self confidence, and that comes through too. :)

I wont lie... It still scares the bejeezus out of me when he takes them. He picks them up each morning (bc I tend to think the judge believed he was more apt to be sober then) and that drive to school is the vast majority of his parenting time.

And it scares me each morning. But rather than let that control me, I just have grown a backbone and laid down the law and told him IF and WHEN I believe he is not sober, I will involve the police and they, not me, will assess his sobriety.

So far, the handful of times I have had to do that, he takes off, I drive the kids to school and it's pretty clear that my hunch was right.

He spins and accuses and sends nasty texts alleging I alienate him and I just see it for what it is; a man so out of control that he can't even drive his own kids to school daily and rather than face that and change, he blames me. It is what it is.

I just don't let it get to me (as much) anymore.

The more of a backbone I re-discover, the more it seems to anger him BUT his actions of trying to screw with me seem to be much less now that he is aware I am not afraid to take action to protect my kids...