So do you tell them that they have a Mental Illness?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hammer,
I have been thinking about your situation and knowing you are a believer have pondered WWJD and I don't have that answer (other than prayer and I already know that you have been doing that). When I was deep into my relationship with my now RXA he and I used to counsel both separately and together with the most amazing Doctor of Psychology on the planet. What makes him very unique is that he counsels with his knowledge of psychology but does through the bible as well as being a parent of recovered son who was in serious addiction.
On top of that he is intelligent, well read and very interesting to talk to on any subject. He was always right on time with my XA and I... always. We just didn't listen and apply...he wanted to drink and I wanted to control him and we kept turning circles. Others I have sent to him with marriages on the rocks are now thriving...
You might want to find someone like him (or I can give you his contact info if you want it) that can help you navigate the waters you now find yourself in... wife not drinking, kids doing OK but still not quite right for reasons you outlined...
Is her therapist an option for joint counseling?
A letter just feels inappropriate and it sounds like no matter what the obstacles both of you appear to be dedicated to saving your marriage for the sake of your children. Both of you are well versed in addiction and recovery and even your kids are in alateen. There are a lot of tools in place and a really, really good joint counselor might get you through to the next level... or help you see what the best possible outcome will be with her mental health conditions.
I have been thinking about your situation and knowing you are a believer have pondered WWJD and I don't have that answer (other than prayer and I already know that you have been doing that). When I was deep into my relationship with my now RXA he and I used to counsel both separately and together with the most amazing Doctor of Psychology on the planet. What makes him very unique is that he counsels with his knowledge of psychology but does through the bible as well as being a parent of recovered son who was in serious addiction.
On top of that he is intelligent, well read and very interesting to talk to on any subject. He was always right on time with my XA and I... always. We just didn't listen and apply...he wanted to drink and I wanted to control him and we kept turning circles. Others I have sent to him with marriages on the rocks are now thriving...
You might want to find someone like him (or I can give you his contact info if you want it) that can help you navigate the waters you now find yourself in... wife not drinking, kids doing OK but still not quite right for reasons you outlined...
Is her therapist an option for joint counseling?
A letter just feels inappropriate and it sounds like no matter what the obstacles both of you appear to be dedicated to saving your marriage for the sake of your children. Both of you are well versed in addiction and recovery and even your kids are in alateen. There are a lot of tools in place and a really, really good joint counselor might get you through to the next level... or help you see what the best possible outcome will be with her mental health conditions.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Things are moving fast. Ripping into my Steps Program and loving it, and [Mrs.Hammer]'s God Game is stepping up, too.
[Mrs. Hammer] passed her LCDC today, so that is a Good Thing.
(Btw, LCDC is Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor).
She is going to take a job with the [XYZ] Rehab Center that is close to our house. So she should only have to be out of the house a little over 40 hours a week, now, and the lying and crazy stuff is way down, so that that is good, and everybody (me and all the kids, too) are all good with that.
BUT the part she does not know (yet) is that I am local Alanon Contact for that Rehab's Family Program.
So I am going to HAVE to tell her that in advance.
So here is my draft letter -- please edit, comment, advise, ignore . . . or add any humorous insults -- about us being Emotional ******* who can only talk to each other in letters.
==================
Dear [Mrs. Hammer],
Here is something you need to know. I have been being the [Home Group] Group contact and presenter for Alanon at . . . . . [XYZ] Rehab for the past couple of months. I "signed up" for this job as part of [My Sponsor]'s (my sponsor's) direction to help others.
It started when the [Near Town] Alanon Group put a request for help with ODAAT Alanon for help. Since I have my Mondays and Friday lunchtimes open here at the house, I sometimes go to ODAAT for their Noon Alanon. [Near Town] Alanon had two groups, and they would alternate on the Family Weekends. But [Near Town] folded down to just one group, and the [Near Town] Coordinator is now down working on the Coast.
So as things are right now, the remaining group at [Near Town] was having a hard time fulfilling the commitment. So I came back to [Home Group], and some of the folks here wanted to help. I have become the Group Contact and Coordinator for helping [XYZ] Rehab.
I guess I am doing okay at it, because [the Family Coordinator] for [XYZ] Rehab keeps calling me back.
On a good note, I hear directly from about 1/3 the families I talk to that were not planning on actually going to Alanon when their family member came home -- they were just there at Family Day going through the motions -- but after the presentation, they say they will go because they want themselves and their whole family to be well. Same thing I want for us.
Sorry I have not told you what it was exactly that I was doing earlier, but I figured you should not be too involved in my program, and I have been seeking to not be involved in your program, and I am trying to leave things that way, because we seem to hurt each other going back and forth over our fuzzy boundaries.
As far as anything said to [XYZ Family Coordinator], or anyone else at [XYZ] Rehab -- I will say nothing about knowing you, or working there or anything else. What (if anything) you want or need to say anything about you, or us, or whatever is entirely up to you or not, and I do not want to be part of that.
If for some reason we were to run across each on the [XYZ] Rehab site -- which I doubt -- because the family programs are weekends, only -- I would suggest the way the Men's Groups handle contact in the real world which is the same way we do anything about folks in the programs at [Big Place I work at]. If anyone asks, we just say "we know each other from some meetings." That seems to TOTALLY deflect folks that are not aware, and says everything truthfully, while implying nothing. Most folks figure we are talking about design review meetings or something. The ones in "our" type meetings figure it out immediately, and leave it alone.
Ok. But now at least you know that I REALLY am not having an affair or anything :**) and it really is Alanon stuff I have been doing.
Love you. Very Much.
[Hammer].
[Mrs. Hammer] passed her LCDC today, so that is a Good Thing.
(Btw, LCDC is Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor).
She is going to take a job with the [XYZ] Rehab Center that is close to our house. So she should only have to be out of the house a little over 40 hours a week, now, and the lying and crazy stuff is way down, so that that is good, and everybody (me and all the kids, too) are all good with that.
BUT the part she does not know (yet) is that I am local Alanon Contact for that Rehab's Family Program.
So I am going to HAVE to tell her that in advance.
So here is my draft letter -- please edit, comment, advise, ignore . . . or add any humorous insults -- about us being Emotional ******* who can only talk to each other in letters.
==================
Dear [Mrs. Hammer],
Here is something you need to know. I have been being the [Home Group] Group contact and presenter for Alanon at . . . . . [XYZ] Rehab for the past couple of months. I "signed up" for this job as part of [My Sponsor]'s (my sponsor's) direction to help others.
It started when the [Near Town] Alanon Group put a request for help with ODAAT Alanon for help. Since I have my Mondays and Friday lunchtimes open here at the house, I sometimes go to ODAAT for their Noon Alanon. [Near Town] Alanon had two groups, and they would alternate on the Family Weekends. But [Near Town] folded down to just one group, and the [Near Town] Coordinator is now down working on the Coast.
So as things are right now, the remaining group at [Near Town] was having a hard time fulfilling the commitment. So I came back to [Home Group], and some of the folks here wanted to help. I have become the Group Contact and Coordinator for helping [XYZ] Rehab.
I guess I am doing okay at it, because [the Family Coordinator] for [XYZ] Rehab keeps calling me back.
On a good note, I hear directly from about 1/3 the families I talk to that were not planning on actually going to Alanon when their family member came home -- they were just there at Family Day going through the motions -- but after the presentation, they say they will go because they want themselves and their whole family to be well. Same thing I want for us.
Sorry I have not told you what it was exactly that I was doing earlier, but I figured you should not be too involved in my program, and I have been seeking to not be involved in your program, and I am trying to leave things that way, because we seem to hurt each other going back and forth over our fuzzy boundaries.
As far as anything said to [XYZ Family Coordinator], or anyone else at [XYZ] Rehab -- I will say nothing about knowing you, or working there or anything else. What (if anything) you want or need to say anything about you, or us, or whatever is entirely up to you or not, and I do not want to be part of that.
If for some reason we were to run across each on the [XYZ] Rehab site -- which I doubt -- because the family programs are weekends, only -- I would suggest the way the Men's Groups handle contact in the real world which is the same way we do anything about folks in the programs at [Big Place I work at]. If anyone asks, we just say "we know each other from some meetings." That seems to TOTALLY deflect folks that are not aware, and says everything truthfully, while implying nothing. Most folks figure we are talking about design review meetings or something. The ones in "our" type meetings figure it out immediately, and leave it alone.
Ok. But now at least you know that I REALLY am not having an affair or anything :**) and it really is Alanon stuff I have been doing.
Love you. Very Much.
[Hammer].
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sounds great to me Mr. Hammer. Glad to hear things are going well. One thing I ask is that I know her working 60 hours per week was somewhat of a relief to you all before. Will it be better for her to be home 20 hours more for you and the kids? Just curious how it all pans out as I LOVE IT when my AH is away from home...sad but true.
Good work on the step study! Doing a step study did truly change my life!
Good work on the step study! Doing a step study did truly change my life!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Sounds great to me Mr. Hammer. Glad to hear things are going well. One thing I ask is that I know her working 60 hours per week was somewhat of a relief to you all before. Will it be better for her to be home 20 hours more for you and the kids? Just curious how it all pans out as I LOVE IT when my AH is away from home...sad but true.
That seems to be fading away.
Good work on the step study! Doing a step study did truly change my life!
Them aint just words on the wall.
not at all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sounds good to me, hammer----except that the last comment about not having the "suspected" affair stuff---has a snarky-like sound to it. You have already (idirectly) made the point---if you rub it in......I think it is likely to trigger a snarky response....Just saying........ (I do understand the temptation, however...LOL)
dandylion
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by dandylion
Sounds good to me, hammer----except that the last comment about not having the "suspected" affair stuff---has a snarky-like sound to it. You have already (idirectly) made the point---if you rub it in......I think it is likely to trigger a snarky response....Just saying........ (I do understand the temptation, however...LOL)
dandylion
See, I just thought that was funny.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
If she understands the way you intend the comment, I think it's fine. Mr. Grits and I have a relationship built on sarcasm and snark. It's a nice letter. Not interfering with her stuff, not having her in your stuff. Well done.
FWIW, we have to write letters, too. I'm too Shoot First Ask Questions Later, and hubby is a confrontation-phobe. It works for some people.
FWIW, we have to write letters, too. I'm too Shoot First Ask Questions Later, and hubby is a confrontation-phobe. It works for some people.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Hammer,
I have been thinking about your situation and knowing you are a believer have pondered WWJD and I don't have that answer (other than prayer and I already know that you have been doing that). When I was deep into my relationship with my now RXA he and I used to counsel both separately and together with the most amazing Doctor of Psychology on the planet. What makes him very unique is that he counsels with his knowledge of psychology but does through the bible as well as being a parent of recovered son who was in serious addiction.
On top of that he is intelligent, well read and very interesting to talk to on any subject. He was always right on time with my XA and I... always. We just didn't listen and apply...he wanted to drink and I wanted to control him and we kept turning circles. Others I have sent to him with marriages on the rocks are now thriving...
You might want to find someone like him (or I can give you his contact info if you want it) that can help you navigate the waters you now find yourself in... wife not drinking, kids doing OK but still not quite right for reasons you outlined...
Is her therapist an option for joint counseling?
A letter just feels inappropriate and it sounds like no matter what the obstacles both of you appear to be dedicated to saving your marriage for the sake of your children. Both of you are well versed in addiction and recovery and even your kids are in alateen. There are a lot of tools in place and a really, really good joint counselor might get you through to the next level... or help you see what the best possible outcome will be with her mental health conditions.
I have been thinking about your situation and knowing you are a believer have pondered WWJD and I don't have that answer (other than prayer and I already know that you have been doing that). When I was deep into my relationship with my now RXA he and I used to counsel both separately and together with the most amazing Doctor of Psychology on the planet. What makes him very unique is that he counsels with his knowledge of psychology but does through the bible as well as being a parent of recovered son who was in serious addiction.
On top of that he is intelligent, well read and very interesting to talk to on any subject. He was always right on time with my XA and I... always. We just didn't listen and apply...he wanted to drink and I wanted to control him and we kept turning circles. Others I have sent to him with marriages on the rocks are now thriving...
You might want to find someone like him (or I can give you his contact info if you want it) that can help you navigate the waters you now find yourself in... wife not drinking, kids doing OK but still not quite right for reasons you outlined...
Is her therapist an option for joint counseling?
A letter just feels inappropriate and it sounds like no matter what the obstacles both of you appear to be dedicated to saving your marriage for the sake of your children. Both of you are well versed in addiction and recovery and even your kids are in alateen. There are a lot of tools in place and a really, really good joint counselor might get you through to the next level... or help you see what the best possible outcome will be with her mental health conditions.
When she first came back from Rehab, we talked about doing T together, but the T's that I talked to said that maybe they could work on me but did not want to touch her. (like the folks on here that know the symptoms -- a good T knows borderline traits from just the symptoms).
The ones that she talked to -- she came back with some really strange stuff -- at least from what she would tell me. I did some follow up calls, and figured out she was lying to me.
So I figured wtf. Let her do her T stuff and I will stay in my world, and make sure the kids are good. Last mid-Summer, her T ordered her to work on "communication," so I did that prior letter discussed on here, and things went quiet again.
We had talked about whether we should do T together sometime with her current T. No biggie either way by me. I would not mind doing some DBT together with a Top Local Guy for that (she refused to see him in the past), just so I can ethically learn that communication method without manipulating.
But like I say . . . for now, I am doing my Step Stuff. She is going to be more re-involved in the family. We may even do sort of a family-trip-vacation in a couple weeks for her training up in Philadelphia. We will see. The kids seem good with that.
I should finish my Steps Course in May, so I may be looking harder by then, and check in with him, depending on how things look then.
Thank You.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Anyone tracking . . .
I just sent the (edited) Alanon/Rehab letter -- so all in God's Hands now.
AND THAT is a pretty good place to be.
Thank you, all.
(now I can go back to messing up YOUR threads with MY crazy stuff. )
Love you, all.
Getting back to work on Pine Wood Derby World.
I just sent the (edited) Alanon/Rehab letter -- so all in God's Hands now.
AND THAT is a pretty good place to be.
Thank you, all.
(now I can go back to messing up YOUR threads with MY crazy stuff.
) Love you, all.
Getting back to work on Pine Wood Derby World.
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