The Weird One
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by PohsFriend 
Oh I dunno... Normal ...so I'm not sure there is such a thing as normal is there?
Common?
Typical?
Average?
Bland?
That ain't you Stung - thank God - Whiney I can deal with but bland? Yuck.
Those poor beige sob's. They'd never survive what you've been going through, they wouldn't know how. So you are whining and feeling a little sorry for yourself today....and? Ya really think superman doesn't flip off that cape and then bitch and moan about those boots some days?
Whine a little, throw a pity party, cry a bit, vent... That's "Normal". Tomorrow you'll put on your cape and your ass kicking boots and keep on slogging through a day at a time... Because you aren't bland and by tomorrow you will be ticked at yourself for stumbling a but - that's normal too.
Just don't go beige on us ok? That would be depressing.
Common?
Typical?
Average?
Bland?
That ain't you Stung - thank God - Whiney I can deal with but bland? Yuck.
Those poor beige sob's. They'd never survive what you've been going through, they wouldn't know how. So you are whining and feeling a little sorry for yourself today....and? Ya really think superman doesn't flip off that cape and then bitch and moan about those boots some days?
Whine a little, throw a pity party, cry a bit, vent... That's "Normal". Tomorrow you'll put on your cape and your ass kicking boots and keep on slogging through a day at a time... Because you aren't bland and by tomorrow you will be ticked at yourself for stumbling a but - that's normal too.
Just don't go beige on us ok? That would be depressing.
Sorry you're feeling crappy, Stung. Hang in there and try to get as much support as you can from family and friends.
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Location: Midwest, USA
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Everyone has problems. Everyone, everyone, everyone has problems. People survive and raise children in less than ideal circumstances all the time, and they persevere. You are surviving-- get to thriving.
I've been single parenting for a long time. When my AH went off the deep end, I was tired, exhausted and in shock, recovering from a nasty, complicated c-section. His final descent on my watch was while I was still out on maternity leave, which made me a single mom with a newborn a second time in my life, after promising myself that was over. I had to let go of some of my crunchy, aspirational child-rearing ideals and hit the ground running to make sure I was able to hit the more important parts of Maslow's hierarchy. My old support system (AH and crazy-*** controlling mom) wasn't available and wasn't working anyway, so I had to pull together a new support system. It involved SR, individual counseling once a week with no excuses, and pulling myself up by my bootstraps to make new, healthy friends who were able and willing to hear me without judging me. It also meant I had to take some emotional risks, by telling people what was going on with my STBXAH and how it was affecting me. I was shocked and surprised by how many people openly shared similar challenges in their lives, people who were also accomplished and happy and responsible.
It is what it is. I tell myself that I know great joy because I know great sorrow.
Your friends aren't having their problems at you, they're just having their regular old surburban mom problems. That yours are extraordinary by comparison, well, some of us are blessed with more difficult circumstances and all that life affirming, character building grumble grumble grumble. I feel sorry for the people whose biggest anxieties are what's playing on the TV while they get a weekly salon pedicure. They lack perspective.
I've been single parenting for a long time. When my AH went off the deep end, I was tired, exhausted and in shock, recovering from a nasty, complicated c-section. His final descent on my watch was while I was still out on maternity leave, which made me a single mom with a newborn a second time in my life, after promising myself that was over. I had to let go of some of my crunchy, aspirational child-rearing ideals and hit the ground running to make sure I was able to hit the more important parts of Maslow's hierarchy. My old support system (AH and crazy-*** controlling mom) wasn't available and wasn't working anyway, so I had to pull together a new support system. It involved SR, individual counseling once a week with no excuses, and pulling myself up by my bootstraps to make new, healthy friends who were able and willing to hear me without judging me. It also meant I had to take some emotional risks, by telling people what was going on with my STBXAH and how it was affecting me. I was shocked and surprised by how many people openly shared similar challenges in their lives, people who were also accomplished and happy and responsible.
It is what it is. I tell myself that I know great joy because I know great sorrow.
Your friends aren't having their problems at you, they're just having their regular old surburban mom problems. That yours are extraordinary by comparison, well, some of us are blessed with more difficult circumstances and all that life affirming, character building grumble grumble grumble. I feel sorry for the people whose biggest anxieties are what's playing on the TV while they get a weekly salon pedicure. They lack perspective.
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I'm with readerbaby on this one, Stung. Most of us tend to put on our happy face and only show the world all that's good and right with us, hiding everything bad and wrong. Yes, some of those people's lives look perfect to us, but then yours looks perfect to them, kwim? How much easier would life be if we could just answer honestly when someone asks "how are you?"
You are right though, people who haven't dealt with addiction, just do not get it. This is why I like al-anon. People get it. I don't have to pretend and I don't have to worry about what they will think because they've btdt. I love the anonymity of the program, too. No worrying that those superficial friends will find out about the reality of my situation (because when I'm honest with myself, I can admit that I care way too much what those people think about me.)
I'm sorry you're struggling
I wish I lived in Cali (besides the SUN which would be so much better than this SNOW), I would love to cuddle your baby, play with your daughter, and wash your dishes while you napped 
Is a babysitter an option?
You are right though, people who haven't dealt with addiction, just do not get it. This is why I like al-anon. People get it. I don't have to pretend and I don't have to worry about what they will think because they've btdt. I love the anonymity of the program, too. No worrying that those superficial friends will find out about the reality of my situation (because when I'm honest with myself, I can admit that I care way too much what those people think about me.)
I'm sorry you're struggling
I wish I lived in Cali (besides the SUN which would be so much better than this SNOW), I would love to cuddle your baby, play with your daughter, and wash your dishes while you napped Is a babysitter an option?
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I went through, & at times still go through, different degrees of this for sure. At one point I just COULDN'T be happy for anyone around me & was thankful it passed quickly. And even when it was less intense I hated the feeling... it's not a natural state for me.
Once I officially started thinking in terms of my own recovery though, I started to see how much of it (all) was ME. That MY recovery was ABOUT ME & would extend beyond just my relationship with RAH & into every relationship in my life. That simply being IN a state of recovery (whether I chose to be there or was dragged there kicking & screaming as a result of having an AH) changed my perspective in ways I couldn't "un-see".
Because when *I* changed substantially (for the good of my own health/mental state) there was an unavoidable ripple affect throughout my life.
I still have these nasty feelings pop up from time to time, and I personally find them generally rooted in judgement & perspective - I "don't think they deserve" or can't see that no matter how it looks on the surface, they have other, just as significant obstacles in their own lives. Either way, it always rounds back to me & how I CHOOSE to perceive/manage/act about it.
Once I officially started thinking in terms of my own recovery though, I started to see how much of it (all) was ME. That MY recovery was ABOUT ME & would extend beyond just my relationship with RAH & into every relationship in my life. That simply being IN a state of recovery (whether I chose to be there or was dragged there kicking & screaming as a result of having an AH) changed my perspective in ways I couldn't "un-see".
Because when *I* changed substantially (for the good of my own health/mental state) there was an unavoidable ripple affect throughout my life.
I still have these nasty feelings pop up from time to time, and I personally find them generally rooted in judgement & perspective - I "don't think they deserve" or can't see that no matter how it looks on the surface, they have other, just as significant obstacles in their own lives. Either way, it always rounds back to me & how I CHOOSE to perceive/manage/act about it.
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BlackHawkFan (Go Sharks!!), I prefer to go the route of using a one on one program, thank you for the suggestion though. My relationships with my friends are actually pretty normal. The relationship with my mom is totally unhealthy but it is what it is. I can either take what I have or leave it. There is no improvement with her. She is a suckass mom but she's actually a pretty good grandmother to my kids. Kind of falls under that "Take what your want and leave the rest" moto, huh? 
Thanks everyone. Today is a new day and I'm seeing my counselor again. I wonder if I give her an extra $50 if she'll let me just nap in her office for 50 minutes?
Thanks everyone. Today is a new day and I'm seeing my counselor again. I wonder if I give her an extra $50 if she'll let me just nap in her office for 50 minutes?
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Whoops, totally missed that there was a second page here.
Damn Florence, your story really is similar to mine.
Readerbaby, I totally agree. My friends that I have told have been completely shocked. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I'm just insecure that this is my status because we have a new(ish) baby together. I know lots of people get divorced and have struggles. I just feel like a turd about my marital struggles because I feel like I should have seen this coming. KWIM?
JustAGirl, LOL seriously, I want some winter action here! It's spring in January!! I wore sandals and short sleeves yesterday. Send me some snow! Yes, I have access to a babysitting service through our health club but I have mommy guilt about utilizing it because I am a SAHM. I might just be getting over that soon though.
Firesprite, I'm trying to work on myself more. I know this is totally about my perspective and that I'm seeing things in a certain light not necessarily as they are. Slowly but surely I'll get there.
Damn Florence, your story really is similar to mine.
Readerbaby, I totally agree. My friends that I have told have been completely shocked. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I'm just insecure that this is my status because we have a new(ish) baby together. I know lots of people get divorced and have struggles. I just feel like a turd about my marital struggles because I feel like I should have seen this coming. KWIM?
JustAGirl, LOL seriously, I want some winter action here! It's spring in January!! I wore sandals and short sleeves yesterday. Send me some snow! Yes, I have access to a babysitting service through our health club but I have mommy guilt about utilizing it because I am a SAHM. I might just be getting over that soon though.
Firesprite, I'm trying to work on myself more. I know this is totally about my perspective and that I'm seeing things in a certain light not necessarily as they are. Slowly but surely I'll get there.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by Stung
Yes, I have access to a babysitting service through our health club but I have mommy guilt about utilizing it because I am a SAHM. I might just be getting over that soon though.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Oh definitely Stung, baby steps, one fwd, 2 back, 3 sideways.... it takes time. You're doing great!
ETA: Re: "feeling like a turd about your marital struggles"
Yes, yes, yes I completely relate. & I think it's totally normal to feel that way. Then it clicked that his failures weren't mine, and detachment helped me to get some distance from those related feelings. Sometimes it's easier than others.
ETA: Re: "feeling like a turd about your marital struggles"
Yes, yes, yes I completely relate. & I think it's totally normal to feel that way. Then it clicked that his failures weren't mine, and detachment helped me to get some distance from those related feelings. Sometimes it's easier than others.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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I just feel like a turd about my marital struggles because I feel like I should have seen this coming. KWIM?
Yes, I have access to a babysitting service through our health club but I have mommy guilt about utilizing it because I am a SAHM. I might just be getting over that soon though.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Dude, the red flags in hindsight were EVERYWHERE! Live and learn.
Okay, positive note: I've always said that when I became a mother some day that I would NOT raise my kids the way that my mother raised me. There are some positive attributes about her parenting but there was a whole lot of bad too. Before last week, I never could define exactly what it was that I didn't want to do or how I wouldn't be like her. My plan was to just be more patient and affectionate. Now I know that not subjecting my children to my own childhood means accepting my children just as they are (the good, the bad & the ugly) and not being manipulative. I knew no other friends in high school who were as straight laced as I was that were also grounded non stop. Good grades, captain of the soccer team, collegiate athletic scholarship and was nearly always in tears because my mom was always ripping on me…because it was making her feel good or because she didn't like that I was being myself rather than what and who she wanted me to be. And then I chose a partner that was as screwy as me because that's what I know. Hopefully the both of us can get better so we don't raise our kids to be as screwy as we currently are (I for one, will not be staying this way for long.)
Okay, positive note: I've always said that when I became a mother some day that I would NOT raise my kids the way that my mother raised me. There are some positive attributes about her parenting but there was a whole lot of bad too. Before last week, I never could define exactly what it was that I didn't want to do or how I wouldn't be like her. My plan was to just be more patient and affectionate. Now I know that not subjecting my children to my own childhood means accepting my children just as they are (the good, the bad & the ugly) and not being manipulative. I knew no other friends in high school who were as straight laced as I was that were also grounded non stop. Good grades, captain of the soccer team, collegiate athletic scholarship and was nearly always in tears because my mom was always ripping on me…because it was making her feel good or because she didn't like that I was being myself rather than what and who she wanted me to be. And then I chose a partner that was as screwy as me because that's what I know. Hopefully the both of us can get better so we don't raise our kids to be as screwy as we currently are (I for one, will not be staying this way for long.)
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