Wisconsin

SR friends, it was a rotten day. I had a very difficult meeting at work that laid bare a lot of highly dysfunctional dynamics at my workplace. They do not affect me directly on this particular matter, but some very hard-working, conscientious people are being raked over the coals in a very unfair, very public way. 99.9% of the time I love working for the government, and I haven't yet acquired the cynicism that many of my co-workers have, but every once in a great while the politics and ridiculousness involved upsets me a lot. I was HALTing all over the place by the afternoon. Hungry, Angry, Lonely AND Tired. All four of them.

My AH worked half a day before he and some other guys on his construction crew left due to bad weather. Per usual, he drank this afternoon and called me afterwards. Oh boy, did I take the bait. Everything escalated into a huge, huge phone argument where horrible things were said on both parts. I KNOW better than this. I KNOW better than to engage, or to take this crap personally. But the whole fight has me absolutely tied in knots. I'm crying like I haven't cried in months. I am so angry at him, and at this disease, and at myself. I am angry at my HP/the universe, because I love this man and yet I have lost him through absolutely no fault of my own to a situation I have absolutely no power to fix.

I have come so far in my recovery, and while I hate who this disease has made my AH become, sometimes I also still hate who this disease has made ME become. Proof positive that we never stop working our recoveries. I'm trying to calm myself first and foremost, and can hopefully do a little self-reflection to understand better why I allowed myself to jump into the drama today, so I can avoid it in the future.

Thanks for listening.

HealingWillCome

Sometimes even in the middle of knowing better, we do things anyway. Because we're human. So go easy on yourself, breathe easy. There are things we can control...and things we can't... Of course you know all of that already, but sometimes it helps to hear someone else say it.

The serenity prayer comes to mind. So here's my offering to you at the end of your rough day...

God grant Wisconsin the serenity
to accept the things she cannot change;
the courage to change the things she can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace to you...

Stung

First, I love the title of your post and that book.

Second, I'm really sorry you're having such a rotten day. I think sometimes when we have bad days we still want to have some TLC from our spouses and even though we KNOW better, we sometimes still are pissed when we don't get the TLC that we need and want. It's a normal thing to want when you have a bad day.

I'm sending you hugs. You have a shoulder here to cry on if you need it.

HopefulinFLA

So sorry you've had such a crappy day. It's been my experience that tomorrow is always better. Hope it is for you too!

PohsFriend

Cool thing about crappy days - when we were in kindergarten and goofed we just shouted DO OVER! And took another shot at it. So the alarm gies off tomorrow, shout DO OVER! As loud as you can but don't explain... Just do your regular routine before work and see if you can keep a straight face when he gives you that look like you are from Mars.

...yeah, I know but I tried serious and it so doesn't work for me. Try goofy, it's liberating and 24/7 tension will make you nuts.

9111111

Sorry to hear about your day.
I once had to go on a diet. I was doing really well until a ate a box of donuts sitting in the car in a safeway parking lot.
Donuts were fantastic, I felt rotten. Couple of month later I reached my goal.
Hang in there.

lizatola

You've come a long way. You know that, take heart in the progress you've made and let go of the slip from last night. Sometimes those tears are cathartic and exactly what you need to get you over a hump or through a most difficult time.

Sending you lots of support and hugs today.

hopeful4

You have come a long way, I agree with that! Today is a new day...I hope it is a better one for you Wisconsin!

marie1960

And sometimes we just need to cry.

Crying does have some therapeutic benefits.

Hoping today is going better for you.

Only 64 days until spring. Hang in there my border neighbor, these Northern winters can take alot out of us.

lillamy

Marie beat me to it -- I'm sorry you had a rotten day (I hear you on the working for the government BS -- did that for years... don't know if it helps to know that there's BS politics in the private sector too?) BUT I'm happy you cried a LOT.

My new T tells me that the biggest issue intellectual women have is that we start feeling a feeling and then we push it down by intellectualizing. She told me to go for a drive and pull off at a safe highway pull off and scream my bloody head off. She told me to look at a toddler and see how they get rid of feelings, and how they can scream and cry bloody murder for 8 minutes and then get up and have energy to continue.

So cry. It does you good. And the rest? Yeah. It sucks. Big time. And I haven't been in this business of recovery long enough to know if it changes? I'm still p-d off at how someone else's alcoholism affected me. But then again -- we're always affected by other people's choices. And the recovery part that I'm using on a daily basis is trying to remember that I am still in control of to what extent I allow other people's choices to affect me.

I hope today is tons better. And let me tell you, the only reason I don't get hooked and pulled into arguments with the A I used to be married to? Is that we're court ordered NC. Seriously. Cut yourself some slack there, babe.

Wisconsin

Thanks so much, everyone, for the kind words and support. Lillamy, you are so right...I over-intellectualize EVERYTHING, and it really does sometimes stand in the way of me just being able to FEEL.

I slept better on Tuesday night than I expected. Yesterday morning we had a department-wide meeting that was *exactly* what I needed. It reminded me of why I do what I do, and helped put all of the political drama from the day before back into perspective. I, too, worked in private industry for many years, and greatly prefer THIS drama to the private industry drama. I've put my own codie relapse/drama from Tuesday night behind me for the most part, and I'm working to get my focus back on the positive things I am doing for myself and my future.