fedupbeyondall

Last night I was under the weather and had gone to bed very early. The AH followed his typical ritual of drinking until he nearly passes out and stumbled to bed (a human pinball) as another post described it. He then proceeded to take up the majority of the bed. This all, of course, woke me up. I have a hard time falling asleep so I ended up awake for a couple of hours. During that time it just hit me. I mean really hit me hard. All the drama in our relationship surrounding his drinking is my fault.

To clarify, he is perfectly happy doing what he does. I'm the one who worries, gets angry, cries, yells, argues, pleads and so on and so forth. As far as the AH is concerned there isn't a thing wrong in the world. Ya know other than his lunatic spouse blowing their top every once in a while over seemingly trivial things. Like using their three days off to sit on the couch and drink while the spouse (me) spends their one day off doing all the chores around the house.

I guess this falls under the codie handbook of control issues. I've been trying to "control it" for so long I lost sight of the fact that really I'm the only one with an actual problem.....seeing as how it's not a problem if you don't acknowledge it, the AH is perfectly fine in his opinion.

9111111

You are not crazy. Please be well.

fedupbeyondall

Oh I know I'm not crazy. Just realized the drama and anxiety I'm going through is really quite simply my own doing. If I want to have a more serene life, I have to fix it.

NorCaliGal

Hello -

Thank you for this. I was exactly at the same place last night. ABF drinks daily - usually at least pint of 100 proof Southern Comfort starting in the afternoon. So I get to deal with drunk BF when I get home, not comprehending simple things during a conversation, repeating himself, not remembering conversations we've already had, wobbling around the house, smells like booze no matter how many showers/brushing teeth he does, overly sensitive, argumentative, etc. And last night he decided to ask me why I always seem angry. I told him it's because I AM angry - angry that he has decided to drink after completing an IOP and aftercare classes, and attending AA meetings (not his first go round with either.) I've told him repeatedly that I didn't want to live with him if he drank the way he did (he was attending the aftercare classes and AA meetings when we moved in together - my mistake for not waiting to see if it would stick!), and have told him after we moved in together that I was upset that he was drinking again, worried about his health, his job, our relationship, etc.

And then I just sat there. Like an idiot. Actually thinking I'd get some sort of response. Because my ABF is always harping about communication, that we don't communicate about things and we really need to work on it. So I tell him - again - how I feel. And he sits there staring at the TV. And then he looks at me like "what?" So I said "Aren't you even going to respond to what I've said? Don't you even care? Can you tell me that I shouldn't be upset about your drinking?" And he said no, he couldn't tell me that I shouldn't be upset. So I sat there some more and he started to say something, then said "no, I'm not going to say it because you won't like it" (whatever "it" is.) And then he said "I'm done talking about this."

So I went upstairs and read a bit then went to bed. And when he finally comes to bed a couple of hours later after he's finished the booze in his "secret" (ha ha!) stash in the garage, he takes up the entire bed! I woke up at 1:00 am with no room, and could not get back to sleep.

You are so right. I am so angry, sad and frustrated by his drinking. I may add, I have in the past few months reined in my own drinking problems. Which makes it more frustrating. If I can get it, why can't he? But I realized last night that I REALLY need to work on my co-dependent issues. Because he's not going to change. He doesn't really think his drinking is a problem.

NCG

fedupbeyondall

It was crazy. Like someone just walked by and hit me on the head and the lightbulb flickered. Over the last several weeks I've been watching and listening. The AH is telling me all I need to know without saying a word. Only this time I'm actually paying attention. He really always has told me, I was just too blind to notice. Not anymore. My escape plan has been in place for a while now and I'm putting it in action. My quacking shields are raised and in full force. Just hope the last the whole year they need to.

NorCaliGal

Good luck to you, fedupbeyondall!

I think a lot of my anger is that I am angry with MYSELF for putting myself in this situation. And I am not good at hiding my anger (I'm a horrible poker player!) I should have known better than to move in with him. And now I'm stuck until October because both of our names are on the lease, and although I could certainly afford to move out on my own, HE can't afford to pay our lease on his own - and his late/missed payments will screw up my credit.

If it gets too bad I will try to break the lease and pay whatever penalties go along with that. But right now I'm trying to view the time until October as a positive thing, that I get take the time to decide where I want to live.

NCG

fedupbeyondall

I'm right there with you. I let the AH talk me into signing another lease (quack sheilds were not up) and I am stuck until next march. If it gets to be too much, I will just take the credit hit and move on at this point.

lizw

Good on you for noticing and while painful it actually is the path to freedom in my experience.
It really was a lightbulb moment for me when I noticed I was the one causing a lot of the drama as he certainly wasn't holding a gun to my end forcing me to behave in an hysterical fashion, making threats, name calling and the a like. A lot of this behavior made me feel quite ashamed but I could not admit it even to myself.
Hope you get a chance to check out al anon, has helped me tremulously.

Recovering2

I found, as you have, that I was the one getting crazy. I was the one who was confronting, got upset, spent full days crying, drove around in the car looking for him, looked for stashes of bottles at home, etc etc etc. It made me sick, and didn't change a darn thing about the situation. I finally realized, as you are now realizing, I had no power to change him. He was fine with himself, as long as I didn't cause problems. The only thing I could change was me. Once I worked on me, things got better....for me.

firebolt

I've had the same realization recently - it's so painful, and maddening!

ABF has ALWAYS said that his drinking is not his problem, it is mine. He is absolutely 100% correct.

TotallyOut

This sounds so familiar. I was doing the same thing for 6 1/2 years and finally when he started drinking this time I have started to distance myself from him. He is finally noticing something is wrong cause that is all he asks me anymore.

BlueSkies1

Yes...this is me too.
It's really hard to watch someone mutilate their brain everyday, even with very slow permanent damage.
I was asking myself today if I watched AH cut himself everyday, and seem to feel relief with that act, or him feeling better having met his unhealthy need--if it was visible in that way--whereas alcohol is not that graphic--what would I do then?
It's like we watch someone mutilate their brain, and it makes me sick to watch it....I get so very disturbed...and he's just fine with it.

NorCaliGal

Exactly Blue Sky!! I ask myself if I would tolerate this if it was heroin, or some other illegal drug.

NCG

BlueSkies1

No, Norcaligal, I wouldn't.
See, AH has a good job, his finances in order, and alcohol is more romanticized. He likes to say "having a few cocktails" after work, which brings up the romance of old movies.
There is a definite distinction between a white collar man's alcohol and a blue collar man's heroin (or a famous person's heroin--to be fair).
Ice cubes clinking in a glass? Romance.
A dirty needle in an arm? Well that's just crazy and disgusting.
We're programmed this way by society....one is illegal, one is romance.
I've never seen a person put a needle in their arm (and never want to) but I've seen people clink ice cubes since I was a little girl and my parent's were having a party.
Hard to get past that, isn't it?

lizatola

Blue skies, my dad romanticized alcohol until the day he died. My AH would point to his normie friends and claim he was just like them because they drank and were socially accepted for it. I agree with you that it is a societal problem. You certainly don't see ads on billboards depicting someone going through alcohol withdrawal but you will see ads about illegal drugs and even cigarettes. I'spm sure the lobbyists in Washington for the alcohol manufacturers and distributors are in control of much of that.

As for what the OP shared; I see that in myself as well. He's just fine with things the way they are. I'm the one with the issue and I am working on accepting that and then taking action with my own character issues, etc. it's tough work, too, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

NorCaliGal

Blue Skies and Lizatola,

I grew up knowing how to mix my Dad's vodka tonics and tomato beers (his Sunday morning drink) and could draw a glass of beer from a keg. At age 7. My older sister considered my dad to be an alcoholic. I am not sure.

So yes I don't see anything unusual about someone who drinks daily. But someone who drinks daily to the point where he cannot have a conversation, remember things, is stumbling around - that I can't tolerate. And when we get to the area of multi-day binges (I've experienced several of these with my ABF before his most recent IOP and AA participation, and I dread that one may be around the corner now that he's drinking again daily)- well that I just can't understand how a person can binge like that and NOT think they have a problem that only permanent sobriety can solve.

NCG

petmagnet

I couldn't agree with you more on this the whole alcohol thing being completely romanticized. You never see ads depicting a withered drunk suffering from advanced cirrhosis of the liver. It's always the beautiful happy people. Even the drunk driving ads usually do not connect the images of the drink itself with the accident.

I just had a discussion with a friend about this. The FDA regulates about every drug we put into our bodies, they even have limits on the amount of Sudafed you can buy and make you sign a book for it because of the meth addicts. Why do they not have a limit on the amount of booze you can buy? It's literally a poison, they know this, and it can kill much quicker than cigarettes if abused. They regulate and give warnings about everything else!! I think you're right it has a lot to do with the lobbyists. It's so messed up, obviously they have not had to live personally with the fall out an alcoholic creates.

Hammer

same crap, different dumpster . . . .






Legacy of the Fail of Prohibition . . .

Prohibition in the United States - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

CompletelyLost4

I've been in your shoes, and I commend you for having an escape plan. I had an escape plan too, and it has paid off for me because it will come as no surprise - you can't count on them when you're divorced either.

My lightbulb moment came one afternoon when my (at the time) 12 year old, 5 and 3 year olds were all home. The younger two were recovering from a stomach bug, and the 12 year old was still affected by it. With 4 boys, I had taken off so many sick days I was being docked so my XAH offers to stay home with them. I felt apprehensive about it, because he had been home for 3 days (he traveled for his job) and that meant he would normally start at 8am - but he promised he wouldn't drink. Yeah. . . I know. . . .

I decide to come home at noon to see how things were going, and was just sick at what I found. The 12 year old who still had diahhrea was taking care of the little kids, who were crying because they were hungry. I go in to find XAH passed out on the floor of the bedroom. I shake him awake and ask him if he knew the little boys were hungry and crying, and our oldest was taking care of them when he was sick himself?? He couldn't even speak - he was that incoherent. I called in to work and told them I couldn't come back, and I stayed home and took care of the kids. I decided then and there that he would never be able to help me, he would never be a responsible father, I was going to kill myself with the stress and worry of living that chaotic, roller-coaster life, and that the kids and I deserved better. That's when I began my 4-month plan. Why 4 months? It was tax time. I saved 25% of my check for 4 months and then asked for half of the tax return. I already had a savings account in my own name, but that way I had an entire month's pay as well as extra cushion. I started seriously budgeting - preparing to live on only my income. And then I started looking into detox centers for him and Al-Anon for me.

One week while he was out on a job, I moved all of his stuff out. I took the stuff to his parents' and told them that I would no longer have alcohol in my home, and that I wouldn't take XAH back until he had went through detox and was committed to staying sober. He went through detox, drank 4 days out of it, and has been an absolute mess since. I don't regret one bit of my decision to move him out, and the divorce was one of the best things I could have done for my children's self-worth and well-being.

You can do this!