How to tell him a break is needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 17
How to tell him a break is needed
Have made empty threats to alcoholic husband for years. But have been working with therapist for a year now and feel it's time for me to tell him I want a separation. There have been lie after lie - I can't even believe any simple statement anymore.
Then there's the defensiveness and projection which come at me. He continues to make bad choices - works out of town during the week, had a brief affair the beginning of this year which he says was all alcohol driven - she had as many dui's as he did! I tried this past summer with him - after 2nd rehab and a sober summer.
Now here I am again - not coming home, not answering calls, blowing off our kids - he didn't even make it to Christmas Eve mass with us.
I have tried to talk to him - he isn't ready to admit there's a problem. When I ask him where he is or what he does, he says "ok Mom, you need to know what I do". I don't feel like it's unreasonable for me to ask him what he does - we are married.
I am looking Into alanon meetings as someone suggested in a previous post. Not sure what I'm so afraid of - I just picture him with this happy life somehow without me. And I know that's dumb. I am afraid to be alone - even though we have lived apart - during the week - for almost two years. He has no accountability -
This is not the person I married and I do still love him - especially in moments of clarity - but they are few and far between. Since this last relapse,it's taken less time - only 3 months - to get back to the point of major binge drinking and insanity for me.
I am just so confused. I have always caved. Today he is coming to see the kids - I feel like leaving and letting them visit and then telling him that I will nit participate in his choices, lifestyle anymore. That as long as he is drinking and not working a program, I will not be with him - no phone calls (other than kid stuff), he can stay at his mothers, etc. He is just off a bender though and can be very mean and verbally abusive at that time - defense mechanisms at their finest.
I pray to God to give me the strength to put myself first - and especially my girls - what am i really afraid of. Am I so used to this dysfunction that I can't live without it.
Thanks for all the support and advice in advance.
Then there's the defensiveness and projection which come at me. He continues to make bad choices - works out of town during the week, had a brief affair the beginning of this year which he says was all alcohol driven - she had as many dui's as he did! I tried this past summer with him - after 2nd rehab and a sober summer.
Now here I am again - not coming home, not answering calls, blowing off our kids - he didn't even make it to Christmas Eve mass with us.
I have tried to talk to him - he isn't ready to admit there's a problem. When I ask him where he is or what he does, he says "ok Mom, you need to know what I do". I don't feel like it's unreasonable for me to ask him what he does - we are married.
I am looking Into alanon meetings as someone suggested in a previous post. Not sure what I'm so afraid of - I just picture him with this happy life somehow without me. And I know that's dumb. I am afraid to be alone - even though we have lived apart - during the week - for almost two years. He has no accountability -
This is not the person I married and I do still love him - especially in moments of clarity - but they are few and far between. Since this last relapse,it's taken less time - only 3 months - to get back to the point of major binge drinking and insanity for me.
I am just so confused. I have always caved. Today he is coming to see the kids - I feel like leaving and letting them visit and then telling him that I will nit participate in his choices, lifestyle anymore. That as long as he is drinking and not working a program, I will not be with him - no phone calls (other than kid stuff), he can stay at his mothers, etc. He is just off a bender though and can be very mean and verbally abusive at that time - defense mechanisms at their finest.
I pray to God to give me the strength to put myself first - and especially my girls - what am i really afraid of. Am I so used to this dysfunction that I can't live without it.
Thanks for all the support and advice in advance.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So sorry you are going through this.
Do hit up Al Anon its a lifesaver.
So you are projecting that he will attain a happy life without you? Yeah, not so much. Not until he decides he wants a happy life instead of alcoholic misery. Your husband is not happy - I promise you that and that will NOT change until he does.
Projections shouldn't be about him but rather about you. Are you happy? It doesn't sound like it. Move forward and find your own happiness, it doesn't depend on AH, but being miserable does.
While I would agree that alcohol lowers inhibitions it doesn't MAKE someone cheat on their spouse. There are plenty of alcoholics that don't have affairs and those who do generally use their alcoholism as another excuse of "its not my fault"!!!!! I have stayed and supported recovery through a relapse - an affair would be the end of our marriage. Don't fall into the the trap of excusing all behaviors over alcoholism.
As for your children please take some time on here and research what happens to kids raised in alcoholic homes. It can and usually does affect them in terrible ways.
Sorry you are here and welcome to SR! Lots of support here for you!
Do hit up Al Anon its a lifesaver.
So you are projecting that he will attain a happy life without you? Yeah, not so much. Not until he decides he wants a happy life instead of alcoholic misery. Your husband is not happy - I promise you that and that will NOT change until he does.
Projections shouldn't be about him but rather about you. Are you happy? It doesn't sound like it. Move forward and find your own happiness, it doesn't depend on AH, but being miserable does.
While I would agree that alcohol lowers inhibitions it doesn't MAKE someone cheat on their spouse. There are plenty of alcoholics that don't have affairs and those who do generally use their alcoholism as another excuse of "its not my fault"!!!!! I have stayed and supported recovery through a relapse - an affair would be the end of our marriage. Don't fall into the the trap of excusing all behaviors over alcoholism.
As for your children please take some time on here and research what happens to kids raised in alcoholic homes. It can and usually does affect them in terrible ways.
Sorry you are here and welcome to SR! Lots of support here for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 17
Checking out an alanon meeting tomorrow night. Thanks for the support. It would be so easy if I didn't love him so much when I see those moments of clarity. But no amount of love can save an alcoholic!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Kristen, I am going through same thing with my separated AH. You have to get to a point where youre just protecting your children above anything else even if you cant be strong for yourself.
My separated AH has done it all...but I still love him and I probably always will. But now, I just have to love him from a distance. I so badly wanted to believe he'd come back to me emotionally and physically because I would see signs of the old guy...but alcohilism is progressive and he just keeps getting worse.
Who knows what the future holds for you or me or our marriages but for today, just work on being strong for our kids. We have to protect them and keep them separate or we are participating in the abuse cycle.
My separated AH has done it all...but I still love him and I probably always will. But now, I just have to love him from a distance. I so badly wanted to believe he'd come back to me emotionally and physically because I would see signs of the old guy...but alcohilism is progressive and he just keeps getting worse.
Who knows what the future holds for you or me or our marriages but for today, just work on being strong for our kids. We have to protect them and keep them separate or we are participating in the abuse cycle.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Kristen,
Many people get support through Al-Anon and it's a good resource for people, but you may want to also seek out a counselor since you said you had reservations about being on your own despite his abusive behavior. A personal counselor will give you the support and validation you need in order to make such a tough life decision.
From my personal experience I also found that researching alcoholism was key for me fully coming to terms with all of the alcohol addiction I had seen in my life. Under the Influence was where I started in my research, and it may be a good starting point for you as well.
When I went through the crisis in my life that I had with a loved one addicted to alcohol, I often neglected very key things in my life. I wasn't eating correctly, wasn't exercising, I wasn't getting enough sleep. Now I make sure to always take care of the essentials before tackling anything else. Your health, and your well-being come first. It is only when I am balanced and focused that I am able to provide anything to anyone else.
C
Many people get support through Al-Anon and it's a good resource for people, but you may want to also seek out a counselor since you said you had reservations about being on your own despite his abusive behavior. A personal counselor will give you the support and validation you need in order to make such a tough life decision.
From my personal experience I also found that researching alcoholism was key for me fully coming to terms with all of the alcohol addiction I had seen in my life. Under the Influence was where I started in my research, and it may be a good starting point for you as well.
When I went through the crisis in my life that I had with a loved one addicted to alcohol, I often neglected very key things in my life. I wasn't eating correctly, wasn't exercising, I wasn't getting enough sleep. Now I make sure to always take care of the essentials before tackling anything else. Your health, and your well-being come first. It is only when I am balanced and focused that I am able to provide anything to anyone else.
C
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