BF coming home tomorrow.
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BF coming home tomorrow.
What was it like for you when your A came home? My BF is coming back from rehab Monday. He's working very hard at his recovery and sounded good when I talked with him a few days ago. I know both of our emotions will be up and down, and I want to support him, but I also know how hard it will be for both of us to adjust. Right now we each need to focus on our own recovery. We live together and are both kind of moody, emotional people (even without alcohol, lol).
Any suggestions on what to do or NOT to do? I have already resolved myself to not taking things personally and listening instead of jumping in with my suggestions and ideas every few minutes. I am going to give him a lot of space and work on me. That's really all I can do, right?
We are also going to go to individual (we both go anyway) and couples therapy. Surprisingly enough, I don't feel nervous or scared. I am not future tripping about his recovery and whether he relapses. We'll see how I feel once he's home for a while. The anxiety may come back. He will go to a sober living house if things are not working out at home.
He has an extensive treatment plan in place that he and his counselor developed together. He wants this. He's tired of being unhappy and knows that if he goes back to drinking he'll probably suffer an early death. I have missed him but I've done a lot of work on myself in the past few weeks. I'm feeling okay but I have problems with seasonal depression. Trying to keep my head above water is rough sometimes. Getting out in the winter is hard for me. I don't like the weather. I am planning on reaching out to friends more often and doing more social activities, as well as doing fun things with my BF.
As always, thanks for your insight and support.
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Any suggestions on what to do or NOT to do? I have already resolved myself to not taking things personally and listening instead of jumping in with my suggestions and ideas every few minutes. I am going to give him a lot of space and work on me. That's really all I can do, right?
We are also going to go to individual (we both go anyway) and couples therapy. Surprisingly enough, I don't feel nervous or scared. I am not future tripping about his recovery and whether he relapses. We'll see how I feel once he's home for a while. The anxiety may come back. He will go to a sober living house if things are not working out at home.
He has an extensive treatment plan in place that he and his counselor developed together. He wants this. He's tired of being unhappy and knows that if he goes back to drinking he'll probably suffer an early death. I have missed him but I've done a lot of work on myself in the past few weeks. I'm feeling okay but I have problems with seasonal depression. Trying to keep my head above water is rough sometimes. Getting out in the winter is hard for me. I don't like the weather. I am planning on reaching out to friends more often and doing more social activities, as well as doing fun things with my BF.
As always, thanks for your insight and support.
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If you read my post about this the other day, please disregard the post above. I don't know why I'm asking the same questions again. I guess I need reassurance?
I left out the main thing I wanted to address in this post. I know it's my own insecurity but every so often I am gripped by the fear that if my boyfriend gets emotionally healthy he will dump me. That he'll realize how damaged I am and leave me. I am f-ed up in my own ways and will always have to work on various issues (like we all do). When I look around, though, I am not that bad, and know I'm a work in progress.
It's a fleeting thought but it bugs me when it comes up. I try to deal with it and tell myself that even if he did break up with me I'd be okay.
Does anyone else have these ridiculous, self-defeating thoughts? It's annoying.
I left out the main thing I wanted to address in this post. I know it's my own insecurity but every so often I am gripped by the fear that if my boyfriend gets emotionally healthy he will dump me. That he'll realize how damaged I am and leave me. I am f-ed up in my own ways and will always have to work on various issues (like we all do). When I look around, though, I am not that bad, and know I'm a work in progress.
It's a fleeting thought but it bugs me when it comes up. I try to deal with it and tell myself that even if he did break up with me I'd be okay.
Does anyone else have these ridiculous, self-defeating thoughts? It's annoying.
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Aw, hugs lady.
Have you read The Help? It has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism but I felt like it had a very strong theme of standing up for yourself and I feel like that's what you need to do. Not in the "hey you, knock it off" kind of way but emotionally stand up for yourself, like internally. Does that make sense?
At the end of the book one of the main characters says “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” That's what I want you to know too. You are kind, you are smart and you are important. If your boyfriend can't see that then he's not worth your time anyway.
In the meantime, try to busy your mind with other things (have you read The Help?
) so you're not driving yourself crazy with what-ifs. I think we could all use a little escape from the alcoholism stuff every once in awhile. 
I hope everything is smooth sailing for you both tomorrow!
Have you read The Help? It has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism but I felt like it had a very strong theme of standing up for yourself and I feel like that's what you need to do. Not in the "hey you, knock it off" kind of way but emotionally stand up for yourself, like internally. Does that make sense?
At the end of the book one of the main characters says “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” That's what I want you to know too. You are kind, you are smart and you are important. If your boyfriend can't see that then he's not worth your time anyway.
In the meantime, try to busy your mind with other things (have you read The Help?
) so you're not driving yourself crazy with what-ifs. I think we could all use a little escape from the alcoholism stuff every once in awhile. I hope everything is smooth sailing for you both tomorrow!
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It's important to focus on the real objective - them staying sober.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in thinking it is time for them to make up for whatever things resulted in you being where you are right now but it just does not seem to work that way for anyone and that can lead to disappointment for you and guilt, shame and other emotions they can't afford right now for them.
You may find that you are dealing with someone who is exhausted, depressed and cranky. Recovery is progressive just like the descent was and on top of all the crud that led them to drink in the first place they are now learning to deal with the world without the numbing comfort of alcohol to attenuate it. I've heard the analogy that it's like walking out into brilliant sunshine with the volume turned up to max when you've been sitting quietly in a dark room. Think 'raw nerves'.
There are real physical side effects that take time to resolve in addition to the psychological ones.
Not being a downer - just suggesting that you don't romanticize how it will be. A great day is another day without alcohol - anything else is gravy. Not suggesting you should take any crap or settle for poor treatment just suggesting that you don't expect them to be too focused on you because their sobriety will take 100% focus - they have to get their life back before they can give you back the person you miss so anything that furthers their recovery is the goal and it is really easy to get frustrated and say "when is it my turn to have all my needs come first and for everyone to have to modify their life for me". The answer is - it doesn't and you don't want it to. You want healthy and healthy is when you are both equal, both contributing, both 'the good guy' and both focusing on being the best person you can be and the best spouse you can be without keeping score or arguing about who was to blame for what back when.
Wait - so am I saying that after all this stuff that I just need to wipe the slate clean and treat it like it's 0-0 and focus on the future without them having to make up for everything? That is so unfair! ....yeah well... life isn't fair. Do you want happiness or fair? Do you want to 'get even' or do you want to be even and stay even? Is their staying sober more important than their worrying about your hurts or not? No right or wrong answers here but these are questions worth thinking over because you both have an easier road ahead if your expectations aren't on settling old debts.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in thinking it is time for them to make up for whatever things resulted in you being where you are right now but it just does not seem to work that way for anyone and that can lead to disappointment for you and guilt, shame and other emotions they can't afford right now for them.
You may find that you are dealing with someone who is exhausted, depressed and cranky. Recovery is progressive just like the descent was and on top of all the crud that led them to drink in the first place they are now learning to deal with the world without the numbing comfort of alcohol to attenuate it. I've heard the analogy that it's like walking out into brilliant sunshine with the volume turned up to max when you've been sitting quietly in a dark room. Think 'raw nerves'.
There are real physical side effects that take time to resolve in addition to the psychological ones.
Not being a downer - just suggesting that you don't romanticize how it will be. A great day is another day without alcohol - anything else is gravy. Not suggesting you should take any crap or settle for poor treatment just suggesting that you don't expect them to be too focused on you because their sobriety will take 100% focus - they have to get their life back before they can give you back the person you miss so anything that furthers their recovery is the goal and it is really easy to get frustrated and say "when is it my turn to have all my needs come first and for everyone to have to modify their life for me". The answer is - it doesn't and you don't want it to. You want healthy and healthy is when you are both equal, both contributing, both 'the good guy' and both focusing on being the best person you can be and the best spouse you can be without keeping score or arguing about who was to blame for what back when.
Wait - so am I saying that after all this stuff that I just need to wipe the slate clean and treat it like it's 0-0 and focus on the future without them having to make up for everything? That is so unfair! ....yeah well... life isn't fair. Do you want happiness or fair? Do you want to 'get even' or do you want to be even and stay even? Is their staying sober more important than their worrying about your hurts or not? No right or wrong answers here but these are questions worth thinking over because you both have an easier road ahead if your expectations aren't on settling old debts.
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hi
i tried to talk with exA about everything that happened and was discussed when he was there. i tried to "help" him by cushioning day to day life right after he came home. it was a mistake on my part. i wasn't letting him find his own way to deal with things (life, emotions, etc). i was acting more like a caretaker/mother. he eventually relapsed but was VERY sneaky about the relapse for months. i had no idea at the time.
he learned about some native american spiritual book and read from it daily and we would talk about the passages. i think that was a mistake too. i should not have involved myself in HIS recovery process. i did not see that at the time. had many reasons why what i was doing was good, the loving/right thing.
in hindsight, they need a lot of space to find themselves and what works for them.
your thought of focusing on yourself while he does the same is a good idea.
i tried to talk with exA about everything that happened and was discussed when he was there. i tried to "help" him by cushioning day to day life right after he came home. it was a mistake on my part. i wasn't letting him find his own way to deal with things (life, emotions, etc). i was acting more like a caretaker/mother. he eventually relapsed but was VERY sneaky about the relapse for months. i had no idea at the time.
he learned about some native american spiritual book and read from it daily and we would talk about the passages. i think that was a mistake too. i should not have involved myself in HIS recovery process. i did not see that at the time. had many reasons why what i was doing was good, the loving/right thing.
in hindsight, they need a lot of space to find themselves and what works for them.
your thought of focusing on yourself while he does the same is a good idea.
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Stung, I have read The Help. What a great book! I had a conference call with my BF and his therapist today. He laid out his continued plan for recovery and we also discussed what we want out of our relationship. It's the same thing--to rebuild trust and life a happy, healthy life. Easier said than done, I know, but at least we're on the same page. I also told told them that I am going to be very hands off and not try to control the situation, give suggestions, etc.......I will support him however I can as long as it is not to my detriment.
I don't really have any expectations for how things are going to go. I'd like to move on from here and hopefully both of us will grow and heal, and eventually be able to fully open our hearts to each other. Thanks, all. I was having a moment earlier but am feeling better now, in part because of the love and support I find here.
I don't really have any expectations for how things are going to go. I'd like to move on from here and hopefully both of us will grow and heal, and eventually be able to fully open our hearts to each other. Thanks, all. I was having a moment earlier but am feeling better now, in part because of the love and support I find here.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Just wanted to pop by and say I'm thinking of you today...I hope YOU have a good day today.
RAH is back home after being out of the house for over eight months...its an adjustment to say the least. The best thing I can do every day is to take care of myself and my own responsibilities while leaving him to his. I keep my expectations low (though they are higher than when he was still drinking, etc.) I also try not to get hung up on the past or future-trip...it's hard but important. We're working on trust by looking at our actions each day.
Hugs to you...thinking of you and praying for you today!
RAH is back home after being out of the house for over eight months...its an adjustment to say the least. The best thing I can do every day is to take care of myself and my own responsibilities while leaving him to his. I keep my expectations low (though they are higher than when he was still drinking, etc.) I also try not to get hung up on the past or future-trip...it's hard but important. We're working on trust by looking at our actions each day.
Hugs to you...thinking of you and praying for you today!
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A Curious Question?
RB -- What did the Rehab Center say or do for/with/about You?
Just asking because lately I have been helping do Alanon-type stuff at a local rehab -- for the family side of things. They run a 2 day week-end program every other weekend, and the local Alanon(s) go over and put on a one hour meeting sort of thing, answer questions, let them know where/how etc. about Alanon.
We had NOTHING like that from the Rehab that Mrs. Hammer went to.
So backwards I am sort of curious about different Rehabs do as far as Friends and Family type stuff and your experience since you all have just went through it.
Thanks.
RB -- What did the Rehab Center say or do for/with/about You?
Just asking because lately I have been helping do Alanon-type stuff at a local rehab -- for the family side of things. They run a 2 day week-end program every other weekend, and the local Alanon(s) go over and put on a one hour meeting sort of thing, answer questions, let them know where/how etc. about Alanon.
We had NOTHING like that from the Rehab that Mrs. Hammer went to.
So backwards I am sort of curious about different Rehabs do as far as Friends and Family type stuff and your experience since you all have just went through it.
Thanks.
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Let go of expectations, which can screw up relationships fast. He is in early sobriety and chances are, his emotions will be volatile. Don't expect problems between you to be automatically fixed ... they may, in fact, be worse. Let him go as much as possible because right now his main focus must be on his recovery, not the people around him. Don't drink around him and, for a while, he should avoid places that alcohol is served and consumed. Understand that sobriety is his responsibility and not yours, so don't check up on him or make suggestions. The toughest part is the first 90 days, but it takes at least a year before recovery has taken hold. This is a life or death disease.
The most important thing you can do is go to Alanon, get a sponsor and work the steps.
The most important thing you can do is go to Alanon, get a sponsor and work the steps.
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You guys are so amazing. Thank you for your care, concern and good vibes! We're both a little shell-shocked to say the least, but things are good. He talked a lot about the self-discovery and spiritual awakening he had while in rehab. He showed me a gratitude list that he made and peer evaluations when they had a "roast" for him. One thing that was a common thread in most of them was that he showed a lot of care for other patients, and he talked a lot about doing service for others, not just in recovery but in other areas of life.
I see a significant change in him. He repeatedly said there is no way he could continue living like he has been. He got home around 4:00 pm and went to a meeting at 7:30. He's trying out a bunch more to find a homegroup and a new sponsor. I'm proud of him and I'm proud of me too, because I just sat there and listened instead of suggesting and interrupting constantly. One thing that made me laugh is he looked like a mountain man when he came home. Full beard, longish hair......I didn't say anything but I was thinking, "God, I hope he shaves." He did. LOL
I have a lot of work to do too. Not only on my codependence, but my own addictions that I have worked on in the past but have been half-assing for a long time. Tonight we are going to a meeting that is based on the principles of Buddhism. What I like about it is that it welcomes ANYONE who is in recovery, not just members of AA. That is more my thing.
I've been doing yoga and journaling, and try really hard to be gentle with myself. That critical internal voice pops up so much. I am learning how to tell it to %*^& off and live consciously. To appreciate the good things in my life and take care of myself, especially when I feel myself falling into depression. To try not be so hard on myself. Setting goals that are attainable and will make me more fulfilled and working toward them instead of wishing things would change.
Hammer, I'm not sure what the family program is at the rehab where he went. I didn't visit because it was about 4 hours away and I had to work. When I talked to the counselor, he said I could call him for up to a year after my BF's return. It's nice to have that added support. I'll ask my BF about the family program there and how alanon is involved.
Thanks so much for your support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I wouldn't be in the place I am today if I hadn't come to SR. I've learned so much and found hope. LOVE YOU ALL!
I see a significant change in him. He repeatedly said there is no way he could continue living like he has been. He got home around 4:00 pm and went to a meeting at 7:30. He's trying out a bunch more to find a homegroup and a new sponsor. I'm proud of him and I'm proud of me too, because I just sat there and listened instead of suggesting and interrupting constantly. One thing that made me laugh is he looked like a mountain man when he came home. Full beard, longish hair......I didn't say anything but I was thinking, "God, I hope he shaves." He did. LOL
I have a lot of work to do too. Not only on my codependence, but my own addictions that I have worked on in the past but have been half-assing for a long time. Tonight we are going to a meeting that is based on the principles of Buddhism. What I like about it is that it welcomes ANYONE who is in recovery, not just members of AA. That is more my thing.
I've been doing yoga and journaling, and try really hard to be gentle with myself. That critical internal voice pops up so much. I am learning how to tell it to %*^& off and live consciously. To appreciate the good things in my life and take care of myself, especially when I feel myself falling into depression. To try not be so hard on myself. Setting goals that are attainable and will make me more fulfilled and working toward them instead of wishing things would change.
Hammer, I'm not sure what the family program is at the rehab where he went. I didn't visit because it was about 4 hours away and I had to work. When I talked to the counselor, he said I could call him for up to a year after my BF's return. It's nice to have that added support. I'll ask my BF about the family program there and how alanon is involved.
Thanks so much for your support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I wouldn't be in the place I am today if I hadn't come to SR. I've learned so much and found hope. LOVE YOU ALL!
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Sounds like you are both on a pretty good track.
Turns out a pretty good Christmas Present, after all, huh?
So now go be one of those Long-Timer couples who sit quietly holding hands, smiling, and only speak when they have something really good to say, and then everyone knows they are listening to Angels speak.
Happy Trails, ahead. White picket fence and everything to you.
Turns out a pretty good Christmas Present, after all, huh?
So now go be one of those Long-Timer couples who sit quietly holding hands, smiling, and only speak when they have something really good to say, and then everyone knows they are listening to Angels speak.
Happy Trails, ahead. White picket fence and everything to you.
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I was just seeking your post out to see if you've updated, so glad things are balanced for now in the right direction.
(((BIG HUGS))) I think you have a really great handle on your own awareness, even in as much as realizing that awareness will change, sometimes daily. SO happy for you!
(((BIG HUGS))) I think you have a really great handle on your own awareness, even in as much as realizing that awareness will change, sometimes daily.
SO happy for you!
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"I've been doing yoga and journaling, and try really hard to be gentle with myself. That critical internal voice pops up so much. I am learning how to tell it to %*^& off and live consciously. To appreciate the good things in my life and take care of myself, especially when I feel myself falling into depression. To try not be so hard on myself. Setting goals that are attainable and will make me more fulfilled and working toward them instead of wishing things would change."
Very well said. Thank you!
Very well said. Thank you!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
I have a lot of work to do too. Not only on my codependence, but my own addictions that I have worked on in the past but have been half-assing for a long time. Tonight we are going to a meeting that is based on the principles of Buddhism. What I like about it is that it welcomes ANYONE who is in recovery, not just members of AA. That is more my thing.
I've been doing yoga and journaling, and try really hard to be gentle with myself. That critical internal voice pops up so much. I am learning how to tell it to %*^& off and live consciously. To appreciate the good things in my life and take care of myself, especially when I feel myself falling into depression. To try not be so hard on myself. Setting goals that are attainable and will make me more fulfilled and working toward them instead of wishing things would change.
I've been doing yoga and journaling, and try really hard to be gentle with myself. That critical internal voice pops up so much. I am learning how to tell it to %*^& off and live consciously. To appreciate the good things in my life and take care of myself, especially when I feel myself falling into depression. To try not be so hard on myself. Setting goals that are attainable and will make me more fulfilled and working toward them instead of wishing things would change.
Glad the first day home was relatively smooth for you both and sounds like it left you feeling positive about where you both are heading. I love your awareness of what you are doing for yourself and that you have some things of your own to focus on. Please keep us posted!
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