Ellvk

Hi everyone,

Living the chaos of life with an actively drinking H and a stressed out 9yo DD. I am working on next steps, one of which is to solidify my Alanon attendance. Both DD and i are in therapy, but we need more. We need me to be better, stronger, calmer.

I am wondering, for those of you who attend regular Alanon and are working on recovery, what part of your life got better first?

Thx in advance,
L.

fairlyuncertain

I thought I'd have to 'work the steps' to get the benefits of al-anon, but right away, the knowledge that I was not alone, that there was a safe place for me to share, that there was a community that understood, gave me a lot of serenity.

Pre-al anon, I had a lot of wrong ideas about alcohol and alcoholism--because the main person telling me about it was the alcoholic!! Naturally, he was spouting a lot of bulls***. His aim was to confuse, distract, lay blame elsewhere, protect his addiction.

Once I got better information, from here and al anon, I could see past the quacking (see the threads on quacking on here, they are great!). I have kids, too, and I wish you and your daughter the best.

readerbaby71

It helped me realize that "helping" really fed my need to control. The thought never entered my mind before. I didn't consider myself a controlling person. If anything I thought I was the opposite.

It also helped me learn how detach and let go. Let people make their own mistakes. Honestly I get more from the literature than meetings, but I am a reader. I think some of the steps are invaluable and there are some I don't find useful. I take what I need and leave the rest.

Good luck in your journey of self-discovery!

Linkmeister

My bookshelf is full of wonderful books - some Al-Anon, some AA, some from other sources. My journey to Al-Anon led me to meetings, the literature, the books and on to other areas that dealt not just with addiction, but co-dependency, control and other issues.

I too, am a reader and while I enjoyed the meetings, the books and literature unbound me from the chains of alcoholism, allowed me to let go of my EXABF and move on with my life. Things learned through Al-Anon and other sources helped me deal with the controlling people still in my life and make good decisions on how to deal with them.

Hammer

Hmmm.

FIRST they told me -- [Hammer], [Mrs. Hammer] is not your problem.

they were correct. Mrs. Hammer is Mrs. Hammer's problem, and I am my problem.

===========

And the Three C's (yunno, YOU do not/can not Cause, Cure, or Control the A). Which while that makes basic sense, I sort of needed as a rule set when later I would from My Little A declared that I was the cause of her problems. (Typical medium wet to dry drunk bs).

=============

Detachment. Hard concept for me, at first, but now like Wu Wei Gung Fu. Almost done without thought. Figure out the hazards and keep some distance.

=============

But probably the MOST important thing I learned . . . .

I was not alone and where to get help.

HealingWillCome

First thing Al-Anon did for me was give me pure relief that I wasn't alone. I had found people other than my dear and well-meaning family and friends who could 100% relate to my experiences. Whew. People who got it. Weight lifted.

I could see from the veterans that there was hope for the same kind of peace that they seemed to enjoy. It kept me going back. That was a gift that has continued to give.

PippiLngstockng

In retrospect, what happened when I attended my first meetings was that I faced the reality that the alcoholism wasn't just AH's problem to deal with. I also had to look at the fact that the pretty family image that everyone held us to wasn't real. Things were not in my control, the situation was bad, and I was, like it or not, going to have to roll up my sleeves and get to a very hard task - put an end to living with an active A.

Good thing I had no idea how much tougher things were going to get!

Everyone at Al Anon was nice, but it was too sad. After a dozen or two meetings, I stick to SR, reading, and working out like crazy.

lillamy

Al-Anon gave me a place, an hour at a time, to feel normal. One place where I didn't feel crazy, overwhelmed, like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It was like getting a mental/emotional spa hour and I came out of there more rested than after a night of sleep.

PohsFriend

The three C's

cynical one

The 4 "M's" to avoid...mothering, managing, manipulating, and martyrdom.

Ellvk

Oh my....
The 4 Ms. Guilty as charged. Yuck.

L.

Hammer

Missed that at first glance.

Alateen for her? You know where/how to find Alateen?

It is generally sponsored by local Alanon groups, with the overview, training, and background ran by the Regional Alanon.

It is usually done as groups: 12 to 19 y.o. or 9 to 11 y.o., or just all 9 to 19 y.o. combined together.

My daughter (10 at the time) LOVED it, and Our 9 year old Cub Scout likes it, too.

On my side of things, I have done the sponsor training for Alateen, have to finish my Steps Work, and when I hit two years of Solid Alanon time (will be August, 2014) I am eligible to help Alateen, too.

GOOD STUFF.

FireSprite

What a great question and interesting conversation!

Faith001

One of the first things Alanon did for me was to realize I needed to work on myself; I was as sick as the A in my life. The three C's (didn't cause/ can't cure or control) along with Step 1 that I was powerless over this were major breakthroughs for me. I also know what loving detachment is now & the absolute necessity of setting boundaries with not only my RAD but with everyone in my life. Before Alanon I was letting people drain everything from me; I had nothing left to give myself or anyone else!

Going to meetings has led me to so many other great resources like this site. I too have found the meetings rather depressing at times. In my city there's so many fewer AN meetings than AA. The one I'm able to attend most often has only a couple of veterans there every week, the rest are mostly newcomers who only attend once or twice & are really in a bad state, almost all dealing with their AH. I'm dealing with a teenage daughter, so it's very hard to relate sometimes.

LifeRecovery

The very first thing it did.

Was give me a place to go to where my biggest "secret" was safe, and understood. I did not even need to say "why" I was there....because it was assumed.

Just by walking into that room I got to realize I was not alone with the dis-ease that was impacting me and my family.

I have learned so much from the program, especially the parts that were challenging.

PippiLngstockng

Faith, that must be really hard, trying to interpret Al Anon for a teen daughter. To me that seems like an incredibly different situation. I am really sorry that you are going through that.

I went to meetings in several locations and two continents, but what I found was really similar. A lot of people who really love their A and don't want to leave the relationship. For me, when I saw that he wasn't going to seek recovery and had no remorse at all for his violence against me, I was doner than done. Two Al Anon meetings and I didn't want to live with an active A ever again.

I think I would still benefit from Al Anon because it reminds me to be more kind and virtuous. But I think most Al Anoners' As aren't so abusive, or they wouldn't be in the meetings wishing their A would get sober and still loving them so much.

So I wonder how representative Al Anon attendees are to the overall F and F population?

cynical one

My first experience with AlAnon was much like Pippi's. I didn't want to learn how to live with an active addict, I wanted to learn how to live without one. It was after the addict was well out of my life when I went back, worked the program, and finally healed.

Carlotta

Exactly that for me and also the fact that I was powerless over alcohol whether it is mine or to a loved one's alcoholism.
Doing that first step but from the other side of the street was an eyes opener and it was like a ton was lifted off my shoulders

Aeryn

I think it's different for everyone - for me there were too many triggers at pure Alanon meetings (I grew up with a controlling NPD mom)...but when I tried a double winner meeting that's when things sort of clicked. For me it was the way someone on the A side (a double winner) explained step 1 in terms of Alanon that gave me the courage to leave my XRAH....that sort of step 1 realization I solidified in therapy (addiction specialist). So step 1 was what I first got out of it.

I'll have to disagree with Pippi - my experience is most of the people in the double winners meetings did leave their A's (and most of the time the A wasn't abusive).....because they wanted to work on themselves though, not because it was necessarily forever. It was about having the courage to be yourself and not cling to a toxic relationship (even if the A was not abusive)....now some of them got back with their A's but some didn't and those that did only did so after at least a year of being apart and sobriety....so my path was influenced by some of those stories and step 1.

I tried attending pure Alanon meetings and honestly I had trouble there - they feel much more controlling to me (but keep in mind I have triggers to probably 80% of people there). In addition I did feel the pure Alanon meetings tried to persuade me to stay and imply leaving was somehow "wrong" (it felt controlling to me). I did find one Alanon meeting that didn't trigger me and went for a while (it was mostly male and most had left there as well)...but eventually I just found that therapy and learning differentiation and following my inner self and rules worked for me so much better. BUT those double winner meetings from the beginning saved me by giving me the courage to do what in my gut I knew was right - leave to give us both the space to heal.

Ellvk

Thanks.... I found a local one that coincides well with DD's schedule.... It takes place when she is busy so I don't have to worry about leaving her home with a probably not sober H.

Excited.