lees121

I was dating a guy for a while (we were friends first) when he told me he had a drinking problem and was going to a 30 day treatment program. we broke up when he left, and I swore I would let him go and never talk to him again. I was doing fine, until he contacted me the day he got out of treatment. i ignored him for 2 months, and then I finally gave in and started talking to him. We started dating again, and he was sober for 4 months. He seemed great. He seemed much better. I fell in love with him all over again. Recently he left out of no where. I can't get him to return my calls, texts, or emails. I don't know why he won't talk to me. I need to just let him go, and I know he needs to stop dating for a while in order to stay sober, but I'm confused, lost, and devastated. I never should have talked to him again. Now I'm back where I started. I don't know what my next step should be...

Raider

Run Honey, and don't look back....

huntingtontx

My dad was native american. I heard many tales over the years, but one of my favorites was the little boy and the snake. The little boy went up the mountain, and before he left home his grandfather told him not to pick up any snakes. They are bad and they will bite you. The little boy started up the mountain and a snake said, " little boy, please help me to the top of the mountain. It is a long way and I am very small and tired. " The little boy explained that his grandfather had told him not to pick up any snakes so he could not do it. The snake pleaded, "Please, I promise I will not hurt you. Please help me. You look like a kind little boy." At that the little boy picked up the snake and took it to the top of the mountain. When they arrived at the top, the snake bit the little boy. The little boy cried out. You promised not to hurt me, now you have bitten me. The snake said, " You knew I was a snake when you picked me up and you had been warned. "

fluffyflea

Stop trying to contact him. Just move on.

FeelingGreat

Lees he's almost certainly drinking again and doesn't want you to know because you might try to stop him.
Sorry to be so stark, but his going no contact is a huge red flag that he's relapsed.

Pia

Oh Honey be glad. Pick your chin up and detach. He is already showing you his colors. If you notice on this forum there is so much un needed hurt why because of alcoholism. I wouldn't call him or even look his way.

Pia

ROFLOL thanks for sharing

trixie56

I was also dating a dry A who, after giving our relationship another try after his pleas and promises that he'd changed, vanished out of nowhere, ignoring my calls and texts. I know it is very hurtful, especially when you care for someone so much. When I first came here and told my story, many people told me to run and not look back because he showed me who he really was. I think the same thing applies to you and your situation…. This is how your guy handles problems, and most importantly, your heart. It will be difficult, but please do not contact him and move forward…. You deserve much better.

HealingWillCome

Lees, welcome to SR.

FeelingGreat is likely right on. He has relapsed and doesn't want your interference. But...be prepared for him to make an entrance again. He worked his way back into your life once, and as long as you allow it, he will probably try again. He has shown you who he is. Now it's time time to ask yourself if this is the type of future you're willing to face. If so, then be prepared for more of the same. If not, then it's time to start preparing yourself for his next appearance. You will need a plan to decide how to not pick up the snake again.

Abandonment leaves us wounded and craving the attention and healing of the abandoner. Unfortunately, we can't count on the abandoner to be the healer.

You can find your peace...within yourself, through support here, by educating yourself about the illness of alcoholism, through Al-Anon, individual counseling, etc. Don't count on him to be your healer. Be your own best friend right now, and take care of yourself.

lees121

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Trixie-did you just go no contact and stop trying? Did he eventually contact you again?i know I need to let him go and take care of myself, I'm just terrified that he will come back. I care about him and love him so much that I'm not sure i would be strong enough to keep the no contact if he did. I am going to an al-anon meeting tomorrow and I'm not sure what to expect. Is this typical of recovering alcoholics? To just disappear and not say why?

Sunshine888

My AH would leave for days at a time to go on benders. He just wanted to "drink in peace." Usually, he would start a fight and blame me for his leaving, but sometimes he would just take off without a word. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I know how much it hurts.

honeypig

Well, an actual RECOVERING A would not "disappear and not say why", so I would strongly suggest that he's not in recovery at all...

You might want to read this recent thread and see if any of it rings true for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hout-word.html

And good, good, GOOD for you for getting to Alanon! This can be a great source of support and give you the tools to NOT cave in when he comes around again (which he almost certainly will, as others have said).

lees121

Well he went to a 30 day in treatment program, did an intensive out patient program, did 90 AA meetings in 90 days, and was still going to meetings everyday as far as I was aware of. This is why I think he had to have relapsed or something. Maybe he just decided all of this would be easier for him if I wasn't around. I really have no idea.

soberhawk

In the long run relationship with unpredictable persons becomes rather tiresome, it is not that important what they are doing.

In my view at least,

Pia

IMHO I look at it as there are over a million men in this world why settle for one that already is causing you pain?

lees121

I completely agree with you. He can't keep doing this to me. I'm just trying to find the strength to stay away, even if he contacts me...

needingabreak

You can block his number on your phone. That would be a start. So sorry you are going through this.

trixie56

Yes, I went no contact. It was incredibly difficult to do, and my mind was ruminating in it all practically 24/7. Honestly, I felt like a walking zombie for quite a while. It was SO tempting to try to call him, but I knew that he would probably just continue to ignore me, or worse-- respond in some cruel way. It's now been 6 months since he went AWOL, and I still cannot comprehend how someone, who just two weeks earlier said losing me the first time was the "biggest mistake" of his life, can walk out without a word. It is painful…But I promise, it does get better.

It will benefit you greatly to read all you can about alcoholism. Before my XA, I knew nothing of alcoholism. To this day, I doubt he'd even admit he has a problem, but I'm very glad that I'm not in a position anymore to be manipulated/lied to/let down with broken promises.

I bet the more you read on alcoholism and the stories on this forum, you'll gain great insight into the fact that your story, like mine, is repeated countless times….Same story, different people. It's sad, but at the same time, it means the world to know you are not alone. Truly, you are not.

Feel free to private message me if you'd like.

iamthird

Lees, no contact is best. You can do it! Blocking texts is a good suggestion to start! I blocked my separated AH and we share a daughter so I am sure you can do it. I had to gain some sanity until I could get stronger.