pray4comfort

I thought I'd reach out here for support. My daughter who is 26 has been an alcoholic for 2.5 years. She lives with me and also has a 6 year old daughter who I have guardianship of.

She has been to rehab 2's in the past 1.5 years. Each time she will do okay for a week or so then sneaks back to drinking. I can't tell you how many empty vodka bottles I have found. She isn't even a happy drunk. More sad and depressing.

Yesterday she had an empty bottle and another bottle still full on her dresser. My Mother had stopped by and poured the vodka out This didn't go over well. I also took her car keys while she wasn't looking because I know she will drive her car while drinking. There was a scuffle with my daughter not letting me go and my Mom was hit in the face. My Mom called 911. She was arrested and is now in jail.

As much as I know she needs help I am still her Mom and can't stand the thought of her alone in jail and possibly going longer in there.

She just started a new job she loves and I am afraid of what to tell them when they call tomorrow.

Do you think letting her stay there for about 3 days will get thru to her? Her court date is February 25th. She has bail but no one has posted bond yet.

She has quit numerous times but always falls back into he drinking. She quit before Christmas and it was so good having her old self back. She told me she wanted to be able to say that in a year she has gone without a drink.

I'm just so confused and worried.

Can anyone please tell me what they would do and how they would handle this? My heart says one thing and my mind keeps saying another. I just hate not being able to help her.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome to SR. Good for mom for calling the police.

I will tell you at Celebrate Recovery I have listened to many testimonies of people who repeatedly went to rehab (all the for wrong reasons, never for themselves) and did not come out clean until they spent some very real time in JAIL.

She is going to have to experience some suffering and consequences and see what she has to lose.

I would say by not posting bond and letting her experience this you are actually helping her. Now go to get some support at Alanon or Celebrate Recovery and therapy and help YOU and your granddaughter.

God Bless. Keep posting, you are not alone.

suki44883

I posted on your other thread that if it were me, I'd leave her there in jail. At least you know she's not drinking while she's there. Physical violence is NEVER okay and your mom did the right thing by calling the police.

If she doesn't have to suffer any consequences for her actions, she'll never learn what is and is not acceptable behavior. One of these days she might hit the wrong person and end up being badly hurt or worse.

hopeful4

I just went and read your other thread. Do you really want your daughter exhibiting to your granddaughter this is how it goes when mommy does not get her way? That she needs vodka so badly she is willing to (in your own words) go bazerk to the point of having the police called and her put in jail?

Please think of your granddaughter right now. This sounds like a very toxic relationship she should not be exposed to. Isn't that why you have guardianship...to protect her from all of this? Does her caseworker know your daughter is an alcoholic and living there?

I promise I am not trying to be critical, I just want you to see what this has to be doing to you and your family.

Sometimes consequences are the ONLY thing that can equal recovery.

Raider

This is a duplicate thread.

BoxinRotz

Your daughter is NOT alone in jail. She's got cellies and Corrections Officers there, along with any psych dr and nurses for any eval she may need.

Did you put her in jail? No.

Did Grandma put her in jail? No.

Did her daughter put her in jail? No.

So who did? SHE DID!!! She hit your mother in her face! Her actions. Her consequences. Stop interfering in her madness. Don't you have enough on your plate with caring for her daughter? That child needs your focus! Don't deny her that! If you could have helped your daughter, she would be sober. It doesn't work that way. Stop enabling her!!! This is her business. Her fight. Her success. If she wants it!

suki44883

Raider, she first posted in Newcomers and it was suggested that she come here to the Friends and Family forum.

pray4comfort

Thanks Suki I did take your advice and come here. I didn't realize it would upset anyone. I am a Mother and my daughter has a very serious problem. I have been on the phone all day trying to find a place to get her in for help. She has no insurance. I do take care of my granddaughter from sun up to sun down. I have since the day she was born. She comes first as I have told my daughter many times. There are more issues to my daughters then I have gone into. Her physically and emotionally relationship of 9 years before she came back home 2 years ago. I am only here to get good feedback not made to feel like I am being chastised for seeking sound advice.

fairlyuncertain

One way that helps me is, if I feel criticized about something I might have done, to ask questions. That helps other people, who might have the same questions, and can help you find out if you are being criticized, or helped.

Is there a place to learn about posting in multiple places? How do you move a thread? Should we delete old threads first?

I don't think anyone was questioning your value as a mother and person--just where and when the thread go. I don't have the answers, but I would like to know the etiquette, too.

Leana

I have a 24 year old alcoholic daughter. Also facing legal issues. Had I done the tough love, leave her there when this first started when she was 17, she may (or may not- who knows) not be in the position she is in today.

I have learned that the more pieces I pick up for her, the more she throws on the ground. The more I run around fixing things for her, the more that needs repaired.
She is a never ending well of drama that never runs dry.

Until this last time, when I said NO MORE. And I meant it. And, this is the longest she has ever maintained sobriety- 4 months. From one mom to another....if you want to continue dumping vodka bottles out for the rest of your life, bail her out; if you want some chance that she might get into recovery...leave her in jail to figure it out for herself. Just my opinion.

pray4comfort

Thank you fairlyuncertain its hard watching someone you love who has cried and went thru DTs with you to just ignore what is happening. I have cried all day and took care of my granddaughter hiding the tears and pain from her. She loves her Mom and she knows her Mom has been to get help before for drinking. She is a very intelligent young lady at the age of 6. She has seen more then a 6 year old should with her Father and Mother in that relationship.

My daughter has a lot of pride. She is not one to ask for help. When she asked me, my sister and my Mother before Christmas to help her I felt we were definitely heading in a good direction. She has had a set back and she needs help and support.

I'm sorry it went this way here. Just wanted someone who shared compassion and understanding and not make me feel any worse then I l already do.

pray4comfort

Thank you Leana. I am trying but its very hard as you know. It has been a very rough 2 days.

Leana

pray4comfort- I feel so bad that you think you are being criticized. Everyone has a different way of handling the addict in their lives. We come together and share our opinion. Which is only that..an opinion. If everyone on here had all the right answers none of us would have the need to post on this forum.

Leana

BEYOND ROUGH. Harder than anything I ever had to do in my life. And truthfully I only tried it because nothing else was working. I didn't hold out much hope that tough love would work, I really didn't. I was waiting for the onslaught of a tantrum but surprisingly it has so far worked. Today, she went to court alone. I refused to accompany her, get her up, provide directions, or remind her of the date and time (all of which I had done in the past). And she did it. I sincerely believe that until the second she pulled out of the driveway that she thought I would cave (as was my usual behavior). My life has been so much more peaceful now that I have made her responsible for herself. BUT it took a while, it really did, a long while. Do what you need to do, you'll never hear criticism from me, If I had all the answers, this would all be a dream but unfortunately its my reality.

pray4comfort

I know everything you are saying is right. I just am still wrapping my head around it. I know she is where she needs to be without me running to "rescue" her as I have so many times. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to face and it is not easy by any means.

Luckily she cannot contact me for 72 hours so I am glad of that. She has time to really think and I have time to look into myself for answers.

I suffered a near fatal heart attack in Nov 11. I survived that so I guess I can survive standing up to her on this. It will just take me a few more good days of crying and praying she realizes she needs help.

Thank you for your comforting words. I plan on attending an Al Anon (if thats the right word) on Saturday evening.

redatlanta

There is an old adage about what happens to addicts - they end up in rehab, jail, or dead.

Its very accurate.

I know this is hard - but aren't you getting a small amount of peace knowing that she is unable to hurt herself or others? and Sober (well, not by choice but at least she is)?

Don't cave when she gets out. Don't do it!!! Give yourself and her a fighting chance. Let her clean up her mess. Its the most loving thing you could do for her.

greeteachday

I'm glad that you are going to an Alanon meeting tomorrow - the face to face support of people who understand is so very helpful. When I went to my first meetings, I didn't say much, just listened, but it moved me to tears of relief - just realizing I wasn't alone. It was really hard for me to let my daughter face the consequences of her choices, but as hard as it was, I eventually realized it was critical - for her and for me. We often say here that if we could love them to sobriety, there would be no reason for these boards.

The support here is wonderful...please just understand that sometimes the "tone" that comes through isn't as people are intending. What sounds like scolding or criticizing is usually just folks just like you ...struggling and hurting...who can't quite express the compassion they feel for a newcomer to these boards who is in pain. I have found my best response when I feel stung is to just ignore and to focus on the support I need from the posters who understand that I seek people sharing their common experiences with me. (and don't worry about the duplicate post...you did the absolute right thing!)

I hope you will stick around, read and share. As hard as it is, I do also think letting your daughter figure her way out of the problem she created is a really good step for you both. Wishing you all the best.

BoxinRotz

You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of the little one. Let her take care of herself. If she needs a rehab, let her find it.

What will happen, if you do all this leg work for her in the way of help and she doesn't do it. How is that going to make you feel? She doesn't need you to buy her a bottle of vodka. She also doesn't need you to look up the number to a rehab that will take her because she doesn't have insurance.

You can let this go and let her deal with it because it's her mess and mind your own business which is your granddaughter. OR... you can keep getting shafted, lied to, stressed out, taken advantage of and possibly have another heart attack.

We care about you. We have all been there done that in some form or fashion. What we know is:

We did not cause it.
We can not cure it.
We can not control it.

Take care of you and baby. That is where your responsibility lies. In other words... stay in your lane. Do not cross the double yellow lines into her lane. She will get to her bottom faster if you let her.

greeteachday

Thanks for your question, Fairlyuncertain. I don't want to get off the topic, but to answer your question under the Forum Rules there is a rule:
"5. Flooding: Any action apparently intended to consume board space or to hamper other member postings, including the posting of essentially identical threads into different forums or identical replies into different threads. This is called cross posting and is not allowed. Duplicate threads and posts will be removed without notice. "

Obviously it was not the intent here to "flood" the forums - Coming to this section instead of Newcomers was a way to get more responses from people who would understand. Sometimes, if one of the moderators is around at the time, we can move the thread for you. In this case, all is fine - no worries.

iwanthappiness

I will always remember the advice someone gave me........" you ARE loving your AH to death" which I had translated into...... I was not allowing my AH to hit rock bottom which would potentially allow him to recover.