frannie

I have just been sailing right through this week and feel good about being more and more detached from my addict daughter's life. I have been calm and not offered my wise advice unless she asked for it. She is going to jail on Friday at 8 p.m. and she is very scared about that. I have tried to listen in a calm understanding way. I mentioned in the very beginning when I first found this site a week or so ago, that she had just had a nasty breakup that hurt her, made her mad, and hurt me and made me mad....codependent orwhat. The guy has called her every night since the breakup...he wants to be "friends" although he admits he still has feelings for her and she for him...makes friendship rather a sticky situation. She was just sure that he was going to want to get back together again. I found that rather difficult to believe...but she lies to me constantly about what is really said and done...for all I know, she has been the one calling him. At any rate, she calls about noon today from work and is crying...she has just talked to the guy and told him she didn't think she wanted to be friends..he said alright, but he didn't know what was wrong with her but didn't want to fight over it either. Now she's crying because it makes her look like the "mean" one again....I told her who cares? She said she cared. This all probably means that she expected him to beg and he didn't even want to really discuss things...she didn''t really want to not be friends...she, once again, is her own worst enemy..She was saying that it was all her fault...i reminded her that he had told me that she lies all the time and was mean and rude to some of his friends. There were many things said on each side and you can't take words back once you utter them. She is spending the weekend in jail, so I at least am sure that she won't be out drinking to forget her woes. I personally am glad she and this guy are over, through...I hope they stay that way. But i can't tell her that can I???Wouldn't that be breaking my rules for being a person who is detaching...am I allowed to give her advice or do i just back off and let what happens, happen.? I have to get through tonight, however, she will probably want to do something totally inappropriate to get over her hurt feelings about Kevin. She will get drunk probably, I just pray she doesn't drive and stays safe. I know there is nothing I can do to change things that she has made up her mind to do. Please let God give me the correct words to say or not to say tonight and this afternoon. I guess this is the first real test of detachment that I have had...I am determined to do the right thing...any advice to help me do that?? Anything would be appreciated.

Dust Bunny

Another Al Anon "rule" is don't create a crisis and don't prevent a crisis from happening. Don't create a crisis by telling her what you really think about this guy. Don't prevent a crisis by trying to protect her from the inevitible. She is the one that has to learn to get through these things without drinking or using. You can't do that for her.

Yes it does get easier ... but it will take quite a bit of practice. I think once you start seeing positive results it will become easier. Then you will have positive reinforcement that you ARE actually doing what is best for your daughter. When we see that the absolute worst scenario fails to occur, then we start learning to trust that our Higher Power really is taking care of things.

Lorelai

Something that really helps me is to just stop and think before I say anything. I used to just say anything that came into my head without thinking. It was all from the heart but not necessarily the best thing to say out loud at the moment.

Now, I try to stop and consider what I'm planning to say and whether it is productive or not before I speak. That has helped me a lot and saved me a lot of grief.
Good luck and remember - you take care of you.
L

Magichappens

frannie,
You have already got what some people strive for years to get. It does take time, but we have time. I make mistakes all the time, and do things that I know I shouldn't. Some times I find myself in the middle of it before I even realize it. But it's better today than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope to be a little wiser, a little more whole, a little less immature. You will do fine with your daughter. If you don't do things perfect, it's ok. That is what making amends is all about. Thank God for the amends steps! They knew when they wrote the steps that we would screw up. How smart were they? Hugs, Magic

splendra

I definately have trouble detaching sometimes. In the beginning it was very difficult to not get wrapped up in the dramas of all my A's. But, the more I do it the easier it becomes and the more peace I have. They still use the same old manipulting tactics I just don't fall for it and they leave me alone more too. Thank GOD!!