Just after a little advice

Old 01-13-2014, 08:36 AM
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He is now asking if we can go back to dating and he will go and see a doctor.

I just don't think I trust him
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Old 01-13-2014, 08:39 AM
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Would you date a man with these issues that you did not trust if you just met him????

Take a year and revisit it after he's had some time to get past the words and get to some ACTION
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Old 01-13-2014, 08:44 AM
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He is negotiating with you, which is to be expected. If you don't think you trust him, then you don't. Those are good instincts.

I am always better off when I trust someone's ACTIONS rather than their WORDS. If he is serious about changing his habits, he will SHOW you, rather than TALK about it.
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Old 01-13-2014, 09:14 AM
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I hate feeling like this, its so stupid. I feel like a confused teenager.
My best friend just said its like he has crushed my spirit and the redtulip she knows would of took **** off no one
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Old 01-13-2014, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by redtulip View Post
My best friend just said its like he has crushed my spirit and the redtulip she knows would of took **** off no one
Hang on to this friend for the rest of your life.
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Old 01-13-2014, 11:42 AM
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Tulip...

It is so very hard when dealing with someone who seems very earnest and is promising that if you do X then they will do Y. How do you know if you are getting suckered like the last 57 times or if this is the time they mean it?

It may be too late in this instance but there is a simple (not easy, simple) way to short circuit the guilt trip and pressure in these sort of negotiations. Basically, you are being put in a nasty spot - either you relent and trust or you are 'harsh' and judge him unworthy of trust. In other words, all the pressure (and half the urine) are on you. That's a lousy deal isn't it?

How to flip it without judgment and with kindness? What about just reversing the order here?

"If you relent I will do what's good for me" is pure manipulation. Not only do you have to judge and take the risk but the implication is that if you do not give in then he will not do what he needs to. He will not recover because you are a heartless b-tch. NICE!!!!

The inverse would be:
"Hey, if you make a promise you can't keep, even though you mean to and want to and try to then it leaves me feeling let down and leaves you feeling guilty and defensive. I understand this is a hard thing so how about this: You know you need to fix this with me or without me so you do that - do all those things you just said for a while and then we can discuss the rest. That way if it takes you a few attempts to find what works for you then it doesn't cause further damage to our relationship and you don't have to hang your head because you failed. Better for me, better for you, better for us".

Then, you don't have to be the judge. You are not under pressure to make a deal you are not sure of and it is not on you if he doesn't do those things. It's all on him now and you are not pressuring him or making demands he can resent you for and his wiggle room is GONE. If he has already agreed he needs to do it then great - do it. Then we can talk... no rush, take your time.... and allllll the pressure is off you and where it should be.

And if you miss the urine stains, get a puppy.
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Old 01-13-2014, 11:48 AM
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Tulip...tell him to go to the doctor. Spend at least a year clean and getting his life in order. Once it is in order for at least a year make a list as to what he has changed and why he deserves you. At that time, if you are still interested, talk to him. If not....nothing will be any different.

What I am saying here is ACTIONS FIRST! They can talk (I mean quack) all they want...but the LONG TERM ACTIONS is what really shows someone your behavior and personality.

Good Luck and God Bless.
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Old 01-13-2014, 11:56 AM
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I have told him he needs to concentrate on himself and get help and I need to concentrate on me and if we are in better places in a few months MAYBE we can give it another go but I couldn't promise anything.
He said he doesn't want to lose me out of his life.
I have told him I need to what is right for me

He has said he is now going to go back to the doctors and tell them that he has been using alcohol to curb his anxiety but all I have is what he is telling me
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by redtulip View Post
I have told him he needs to concentrate on himself and get help and I need to concentrate on me and if we are in better places in a few months MAYBE we can give it another go but I couldn't promise anything.
He said he doesn't want to lose me out of his life.
I have told him I need to what is right for me

He has said he is now going to go back to the doctors and tell them that he has been using alcohol to curb his anxiety but all I have is what he is telling me
No - all you have really is your own judgment and good sense which appear IMHO to be working quite well. Good for you.
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:02 PM
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Good for you. Now the next hard part. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Stick to it.

You can do this. I hope you take this time to work on you and get the help YOU deserve.

Peace to you.
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