Just after a little advice
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by redtulip 
Cheers for the advice. Its a killer at the moment because I opened up to my family about everything thats been going on with him and how unhappy I was and I had doubts about moving away. They are telling me I will regret not moving and I knew he liked a drink and give it a go because I could always come back home. Easier said than done 
I have known him for 2 years because we met through work and we have been going out for 15 month. I saw his binge drinking once before we moved in together and and I am sorry to say alarm bells didnt go off because I thought it was a once in a blue moon thing.
I have known him for 2 years because we met through work and we have been going out for 15 month. I saw his binge drinking once before we moved in together and and I am sorry to say alarm bells didnt go off because I thought it was a once in a blue moon thing.
My father used to shoot guns over my head while drunk and tell me I'd never amount to anything. He was wrong and so are your parents. They just didn't shoot a gun at a you while telling you something incredibly stupid!
You can't pick your family of origin but you can pick your boyfriend and you can determine yourself what is true, what is right and what is real. You can decide what you want your life to be like in a year, 10 years and even 50 years from now.
Why not let him move and you watch from a distance to see how he chooses to live? Most likely he will drink and get worse... much worse.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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redtulip - SR is here for a reason because each of us has been affected in a negative way.
I would run and not look back. I would hold my head up high be thankful I lost 15 months verses years and your self esteem. IMHO if you can't do it now you will be here again telling us what a mistake you made.
My mom use to tell me I was crazy in a nice way and that I needed to understand him. 10+ years later he was sneaking around drinking and drugs. Thankfully we don't have kids because although I didn't know everything that was going on I saw red flags that stopped me and I went back on birth control. Please keep us posted on your situation but if I was you, no way on earth I would move in with him I would cut it off completely and cough it up to lesson learned. This is no joke this is Hell being with an alcoholic. Me personally I wouldn't believe any promise he says that I why I would run as far away as I could.
I would run and not look back. I would hold my head up high be thankful I lost 15 months verses years and your self esteem. IMHO if you can't do it now you will be here again telling us what a mistake you made.
My mom use to tell me I was crazy in a nice way and that I needed to understand him. 10+ years later he was sneaking around drinking and drugs. Thankfully we don't have kids because although I didn't know everything that was going on I saw red flags that stopped me and I went back on birth control. Please keep us posted on your situation but if I was you, no way on earth I would move in with him I would cut it off completely and cough it up to lesson learned. This is no joke this is Hell being with an alcoholic. Me personally I wouldn't believe any promise he says that I why I would run as far away as I could.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 9
Thanks guys. All your advice has really helped me and make me realise I am not the one with the issue. I have spoken to my family again and explained what they said wasnt acceptable and I would need their support. Which seems to have for worked for now.
I have been staying at my parents this week just for some space and I agree I cannot move away and put up with what is going on, I think I just won't cope.
I am going home tomorrow and know the best thing to do would be to end it and work on myself but it just seems really hard. I know being scared to be alone is what is causing the biggest fear but that isnt a reason to stay with someone like this.
I will keep you guys updated
Thankyou again
I have been staying at my parents this week just for some space and I agree I cannot move away and put up with what is going on, I think I just won't cope.
I am going home tomorrow and know the best thing to do would be to end it and work on myself but it just seems really hard. I know being scared to be alone is what is causing the biggest fear but that isnt a reason to stay with someone like this.
I will keep you guys updated
Thankyou again
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by redtulip
Thanks guys. All your advice has really helped me and make me realise I am not the one with the issue. I have spoken to my family again and explained what they said wasnt acceptable and I would need their support. Which seems to have for worked for now.
I have been staying at my parents this week just for some space and I agree I cannot move away and put up with what is going on, I think I just won't cope.
I am going home tomorrow and know the best thing to do would be to end it and work on myself but it just seems really hard. I know being scared to be alone is what is causing the biggest fear but that isnt a reason to stay with someone like this.
I will keep you guys updated
Thankyou again
I have been staying at my parents this week just for some space and I agree I cannot move away and put up with what is going on, I think I just won't cope.
I am going home tomorrow and know the best thing to do would be to end it and work on myself but it just seems really hard. I know being scared to be alone is what is causing the biggest fear but that isnt a reason to stay with someone like this.
I will keep you guys updated
Thankyou again
I am soo proud of you!!!!! thank you so much for making my day. I know it is not an easy decision but you have saved yourself years of heartache. Please Please Please take care of YOU!!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 9
Well tonight was interesting. I was in work and my bf was at home watching football as it progressed his text messages changed so I knew he was drinking.
He then sent me one a little later asking if I wanted the relationship because I had been quiet. I didnt particularly want to do it this way but didnt want to lie. So I finished it and told him why. He said he doesnt have too much to drink and will never stop drinking and he should be able to drink whens hes off work. He reckons I am ending it because I dont want to move 2 hours away and he wont be fighting for me because he isnt in the wrong. I have left it there and will probably see him when I go to collect some of my things in the morning
He then sent me one a little later asking if I wanted the relationship because I had been quiet. I didnt particularly want to do it this way but didnt want to lie. So I finished it and told him why. He said he doesnt have too much to drink and will never stop drinking and he should be able to drink whens hes off work. He reckons I am ending it because I dont want to move 2 hours away and he wont be fighting for me because he isnt in the wrong. I have left it there and will probably see him when I go to collect some of my things in the morning
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Sorry, red tulip. Breakups are difficult. But he has the right to live his life the way he wants to, and you have the right to not want to share that lifestyle with him. Perhaps one day he will realize that his relationship with alcohol cost him his relatioinship with you, and stop blaming it on something else, but that is nothing to do with you.
Sending you strength and hugs.
Sending you strength and hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by redtulip
Well tonight was interesting. I was in work and my bf was at home watching football as it progressed his text messages changed so I knew he was drinking.
He then sent me one a little later asking if I wanted the relationship because I had been quiet. I didnt particularly want to do it this way but didnt want to lie. So I finished it and told him why. He said he doesnt have too much to drink and will never stop drinking and he should be able to drink whens hes off work. He reckons I am ending it because I dont want to move 2 hours away and he wont be fighting for me because he isnt in the wrong. I have left it there and will probably see him when I go to collect some of my things in the morning
He then sent me one a little later asking if I wanted the relationship because I had been quiet. I didnt particularly want to do it this way but didnt want to lie. So I finished it and told him why. He said he doesnt have too much to drink and will never stop drinking and he should be able to drink whens hes off work. He reckons I am ending it because I dont want to move 2 hours away and he wont be fighting for me because he isnt in the wrong. I have left it there and will probably see him when I go to collect some of my things in the morning
I have had that same argument over 100 times. I am a grown man and if I want to drink when I get off work I should be able to in my own home along with a 6 pack and 2 bottles of red wine blah blah blah.
Now 10+ years laters im slowly finding myself. I feel this relationship has taken years off my life.
Have you thought of checking out Alanon meetings? It might give you more insight.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by liloleme
" He said he doesn't have too much to drink and will never stop drinking and he should be able to drink whens hes off work."
I have had that same argument over 100 times. I am a grown man and if I want to drink when I get off work I should be able to in my own home along with a 6 pack and 2 bottles of red wine blah blah blah.
Now 10+ years laters im slowly finding myself. I feel this relationship has taken years off my life.
Have you thought of checking out Alanon meetings? It might give you more insight.
I have had that same argument over 100 times. I am a grown man and if I want to drink when I get off work I should be able to in my own home along with a 6 pack and 2 bottles of red wine blah blah blah.
Now 10+ years laters im slowly finding myself. I feel this relationship has taken years off my life.
Have you thought of checking out Alanon meetings? It might give you more insight.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
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Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
Heard it too. God... I use to have horrible days at work but DAMN... I never came home to get drunk, roll a doob and p!ss myself. Sometimes, I just wanna yell: GOOD JOB FOR GETTING UP AND LIVING LIFE! THAT'S WHAT YA S'POSE TO DO!
Redtulip - there is a thread, the subject refers to "quacking". If you search it out and read it you will see similar excuses. It might even make you smile.
I am sorry for your breakup. I know it hurts. Do something special for yourself tomorrow.
Also, please be careful when retrieving your belongings.
((Hugs))
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Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
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He doesn't have to fight for you. He just saved you! He saved you from anxiety, fear, worry, pain, heartache, exhaustion, confusion... the list goes on! I'd almost be attempted to send him a thank you card? Maybe even balloons! How nice of him to be so selfless 
all jokes aside, it may hurt, it may not? The more crazy and drama centered people are the easier it is for me to walk away. You can drag your feet or you can skip.
Im sorry for your pain. I really am. I began to say I'm sorry for your loss but while you may be alone now, that isn't a loss. Walking away from someone you love is never easy, it hurts even when they're gone but a lot less than if they pull you down with them. Just keep telling yourself you deserve better, it was an awesome reminder to me when I doubted why I made a hard decision. I still say it out loud, it's kind of empowering. It will get better
all jokes aside, it may hurt, it may not? The more crazy and drama centered people are the easier it is for me to walk away. You can drag your feet or you can skip.Im sorry for your pain. I really am. I began to say I'm sorry for your loss but while you may be alone now, that isn't a loss. Walking away from someone you love is never easy, it hurts even when they're gone but a lot less than if they pull you down with them. Just keep telling yourself you deserve better, it was an awesome reminder to me when I doubted why I made a hard decision. I still say it out loud, it's kind of empowering. It will get better
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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I went back to the house yesterday to collect some clothes to take to my parents. He ignored me the whole time I was there but I had the feeling he expected me to come home and beg for him to stop, which is what I normally do.
A couple of hours later he text me saying he didn't know what to say, I text back saying there is nothing to say it has already been said.
He then said he could understand it if he got hammered everyday but it is only when he is off work and he needs to relax. I told him theres no point because we aren't going to agree on his drinking. He then text asking if I told work (we work for same company but not same office) that it is because I didn't want to move away with him. I told him I am not lying for him and why should I be blamed for the relationship ending. I haven't heard from him since.
Had a bit of a **** night last night feeling alone and missing him and bad for breaking it off thinking I can help him but had to keep reminding myself he can only help himself
A couple of hours later he text me saying he didn't know what to say, I text back saying there is nothing to say it has already been said.
He then said he could understand it if he got hammered everyday but it is only when he is off work and he needs to relax. I told him theres no point because we aren't going to agree on his drinking. He then text asking if I told work (we work for same company but not same office) that it is because I didn't want to move away with him. I told him I am not lying for him and why should I be blamed for the relationship ending. I haven't heard from him since.
Had a bit of a **** night last night feeling alone and missing him and bad for breaking it off thinking I can help him but had to keep reminding myself he can only help himself
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Less is More in this situation.
The less contact you have with him, the better you will feel.
If you are done, be done, going no contact is for your sanity and well being.
Currently, whatever comes out of his mouth is meaningless noise.
What you choose to tell your employer/coworkers is your business, a simple " We are no longer dating" will suffice. Again less is more. Your employer's interest usually comes down to your work performance and habits, they do not need to hear the intimate details. If his job performance is suffering due to his drinking, the employer will know soon enough, and they will address it, there is no need for you to be involved in that mess.
The less contact you have with him, the better you will feel.
If you are done, be done, going no contact is for your sanity and well being.
Currently, whatever comes out of his mouth is meaningless noise.
What you choose to tell your employer/coworkers is your business, a simple " We are no longer dating" will suffice. Again less is more. Your employer's interest usually comes down to your work performance and habits, they do not need to hear the intimate details. If his job performance is suffering due to his drinking, the employer will know soon enough, and they will address it, there is no need for you to be involved in that mess.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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He has been texting me today saying he can't lose me and that he loves me and is that not enough to go back and try again.
I responded at first saying if he loved me he wouldn't of put through what he has and he continued to say the same so I haven't replied to him.
I responded at first saying if he loved me he wouldn't of put through what he has and he continued to say the same so I haven't replied to him.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Love will never thrive in an addicted household.
It's not possible, the addiction will rule, the addiction will overpower, and it will destroy anything and everything that gets in its way.!
I have to ask, exactly what are you getting out of this relationship?
It's not possible, the addiction will rule, the addiction will overpower, and it will destroy anything and everything that gets in its way.!
I have to ask, exactly what are you getting out of this relationship?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by redtulip
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him?
I don't want to give him the ultimatum of me or the drink or end it without trying something
I don't want to give him the ultimatum of me or the drink or end it without trying something
saw a man brought to an AA meeting years back by a loved one
he now has over 6 years of sobriety
does it work like this for everyone - no
there may soon come a time when
you will need to give him an ultimatum
does this work for everyone - no
Mountainman
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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I know a guy who occasionally pees on me and expects me to clean it up but he's about one year old so I let it slide.
There is a difference between giving someone an ultimatum and setting a boundary - an ultimatum you give yourself is a boundary - it says OK, this is what is not acceptable to me and I will not allow anyone to cross this line in the sand. Setting an ultimatum on YOURSELF is the only time ultimatums work effectively because it ends the discussion.
If you tell someone you don't like their drinking and they need to stop they can come up with 100 arguments (quack, quack) as to why you are not reasonable. If you state that you won't be peed on then that is kinda hard to argue with and if someone wants to argue they can talk to the Depends salesperson rather than you - you've already accepted your own ultimatum and are not having that chat.
That has to be one of the most stunning Quacks in the book - someone expecting their significant other to be ok with rolling over into a puddle at night and not minding and then expecting someone else to clean it? Good grief - if they were a puppy you'd swat their butt or rub their nose in it (not best way) and toss them outside and puppies are cute, cuddly and have puppy breath which are quite endearing, 200 pounds of beer and urine scented, methane producing drunk man? Not so cute
There is a difference between giving someone an ultimatum and setting a boundary - an ultimatum you give yourself is a boundary - it says OK, this is what is not acceptable to me and I will not allow anyone to cross this line in the sand. Setting an ultimatum on YOURSELF is the only time ultimatums work effectively because it ends the discussion.
If you tell someone you don't like their drinking and they need to stop they can come up with 100 arguments (quack, quack) as to why you are not reasonable. If you state that you won't be peed on then that is kinda hard to argue with and if someone wants to argue they can talk to the Depends salesperson rather than you - you've already accepted your own ultimatum and are not having that chat.
That has to be one of the most stunning Quacks in the book - someone expecting their significant other to be ok with rolling over into a puddle at night and not minding and then expecting someone else to clean it? Good grief - if they were a puppy you'd swat their butt or rub their nose in it (not best way) and toss them outside and puppies are cute, cuddly and have puppy breath which are quite endearing, 200 pounds of beer and urine scented, methane producing drunk man? Not so cute
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