Justwantnormal

It's been 3 weeks since I told AH he had to stop and he agreed. And 2 1/2 weeks since he altered the rules to 'no drinking without an occassion'. He has indeed stuck to HIS rule, but I have noticed an increase in the number of 'occassions' on his calendar! The nights he has an 'occassion' (i.e. a friend to go out with) he still loses control over it. I've just finished reading 'Under the Influence', so I get it and I know where we're headed. At this point I feel like I spend my evenings just waiting for this house of cards to fall. Best nobody breathe! On a positive note, I've made arrangements to attend my first Al-Anon meeting. I'm really looking forward to that

JustAGirl1971

Good analogy, justwantnormal. That is what it feels like. In my case, the cards came crashing down. We are separating. On the occasion thing, an A will always find an occasion to drink. There are the major occasions like birthdays, promotions, anniversaries, NYE, superbowl, halloween, christmas, groundhog day, just to name a few. And when there aren't enough of those, you get the major by association occasions: buddy's promotion or bday, cat's bday, kid's report card. When those aren't enough, then you get the minor occasions: football game, basketball game (when they don't even like basketball), sunny day, rainy day, neighbor's best friend's little sister's baby's birth, etc. You get the idea. If they want to drink, they will drink. There is nothing we can say or do to stop them.

I'm so happy you're trying al-anon! I have to admit, the first couple or three felt really weird to me. That's why it took me 2 months to get 4 meetings in. Don't do like me. Just keep going back I've found it's easier for me to keep going & keep working on me, if I'm going twice a week or more.

hopeful4

Glad you are going to Alanon! It will help you work on you. You told him to stop and he agreed? If you are reading Under the Influence you do realize. The only way he is going to stop is when he tells himself he has to stop...for him.

I am sorry. I do understand the house of cards perfectly. It's a terrible feeling. Attend Alanon, find a group you really click with, it will help you immensely!

Hugs.

unsureoffuture

Unfortunately, he is not ready to stop and you know this. He is just trying to appease you and manipulate the situation to continue his addiction. He has not found his "bottom" and has instead found a way to make his drinking "acceptable" to you by coming up with "occasions". I'm sure you know these "occasions" will progress as he is sgill very active in the disease. That is why he altered the rules from no drinking to some drinking. He is protecting his addiction. My ADH is doing the same thing so I know what you are going through. Instead of focusing your energies on him (something you can't change or control) focus on yourself and what you can. Set boundaries of what you are willing to accept, don't sit around waiting for the ball to drop. Make plans, do things you enjoy, have a life. If his drinking gets worse it will get worse and there is nothing you can do about it. When and if he is ever ready, he will stop on his own. But you and I both know, A's do not have control of their intake and limiting it to "occasions" will not change anything. I have been through this exact cycle many many times with my ADH. I am just now learning to let go and focus on me.

atalose

Glad you are going to al-anon, hopefully you will learn and accept that you do have other choices then just waiting around for that house of cards to come down.

Springs

Glad you are going to al anon. Unfortunately for all of us, rules don't work for As no matter how much each party would want them to. This is a disease that must be treated to be halted. Until it is treated, it simply can't be halted.

Quish16

I know what you mean about waiting for the house of cards to collapse. Mine did in July when AH was hospitalised for a subdural hematoma.
I agree you should focus on yourself. I haven't managed to get to Al anon yet but I am still trying. It does appear to have helped a lot of us on here. Very best of luck. The hardest part for me was realising AH was an adult and it is HIS choice to drink and all I can do is detach and try to make a life of my own to some degree.