lad81

My husband (we) admitted himself to inpatient last Friday. His drinking was out of control and I think he finally hit rock bottom. I'm learning so much about codependance but am still having a hard time. While he was in detox he called several times a day. He got out of detox yesterady, called for less than a minute only to thank me for a package I sent and I haven't heard from him since. He has plenty of opportunities to call. Why isn't he calling? Why do I have such a strong need for him to call?

I found out a week before he checked himself in that he had been cheating. I found facebook sexting to a freind of mine and naked pics, etc. He swears they never had sex but it's still cheating in my book and I have a nagging feeling that there are things he hasn't told me. Will things come out in the wash in rehab? What can I expect while he's in rehab? He will be there for 30 days. How do best prepare myself to be the best to him and myself when he gets out?

Any advice/help anyone can offer is greatly appreciated. I'm so thankful to have found this board.

hopeful4

When my AH was in rehab he called quite a bit. However, they had meetings, sessions, etc they were required to be at. Rehab is certainly something a person needs to do for themselves. It may be a positive sign he is not calling. In hindsight I wish my AH had not called as much as I was way too caught up in his recovery instead of my own.

I encourage you to take this time to look at the entire situation and find support for you. Find Alanon or Celebrate Recovery and therapy is a good idea too. I will say that for my AH it was just a 30 day vacation really. I don't think a lifetime of drinking and addiction can be cured in 30 days, that is just my opinion.

This is an opportunity to get some healing for yourself. To look at your life and see what boundaries you can set for you. I will always believe my worst mistake was letting my AH come right back to our comfy home after rehab. I will always wonder how things would be if we had stayed separated for a year or so so he could figure himself out and me figure out my own life.

Hugs. You are not alone. Keep posting, you will find great support here.

Florence

When my STBXAH was in rehab I was always mad that he wasn't calling me more. I was SO ANXIOUS about whether or not he was going to recover and come home to man I married.

Folks told me over and over to seek out my own recovery program, whether through Al-Anon or wherever, and I did, kind of, but didn't get it.

That anxiety was mine to own. Recovery from alcoholism is TRULY a selfish program, one where if he's serious at all about the opportunity for inpatient rehab he will be focusing on recovery and pulling together the tools he needs to succeed at home. The guys in rehab glued to the phone are, I'll bet, not the ones who experience recovery at great rates.

Those of us who are sitting at home fretting about the phone call need to get lives, ones that don't revolve solely around what cheating alcoholics are doing. I say this with love from someone who's been there. My ability to live my life was GREATLY improved when I dove in and figured out how to make decisions about how to live without his input and approval.

My STBXAH didn't start to get it until he went to his fourth (or more, if you count outpatient) rehab. It was a big turning point for him. But unfortunately, as it always was, it's harder to stick to your guns even when committed to sobriety outside of the fishbowl of inpatient rehab. They almost always recommend sober living when your AH gets out of inpatient rehab. I encouraged my AH to do it every time. He declined every time. He's 35, still off and on the wagon, and hasn't worked and lived sober for over a few months in the entirety of his adult life. I still wish he'd done it.

In the meantime, I went to therapy (two years worth), got involved in my community, met a ton of new people, and picked up several hobbies. I have two kids and work two jobs. I like being busy -- it keeps me motivated and happy.

atalose

The trust in your relationship is forever broken, may take a long time to gain that back if ever. Your radar is going to be working over time and that's why it is so important for you to work on YOU. Get some counseling to help you sort this all out.

What stands out to me is you asking how to be prepared to be the best to him as if some how YOU caused him to cheat or drink. That's why counseling is so important for you.

petmagnet

During inpatient rehab they have very structured days and evenings. My AH when there only had about 5 min to call per day and it depended on the amount of people waiting to make calls. My AH had limited Face book/computer time so you may want to verify with the facility whether or not he does- as that may be a problem considering his colorful past indiscretions.

As to why you feel the need to hear from him everyday? My guess is that you are still working through co-dependency issues and need reassurance that if you are not trying to fix the problem, then someone else is definitely fixing it.

My one word of advice here is to please remember that they are only giving him the tools he needs in rehab to live a sober life. It is a completely different matter whether or not HE chooses to use those tools once he is out. Part of the codependency thing is hovering and making sure he is "getting it" while he is there. Hence dying for phone calls.

I know it is painful and really hard to step back, but as someone else said, this is a great time to work on you. Find your boundaries, read the book co-dependent no more if you can. Realize that no matter how many conversations you have or don't have from rehab will not change the ultimate challenge of coming home and living sober from that point on.

You're not alone the way you feel right now, we have all been there.

Recovering2

Rehab is not a vacation, in a good program they don't have much down time. When my RABF was in patient, there was only one phone out in the common area for all those in that building to use. So phone time was limited. He also had a full schedule during the day.

Will thinkgs come out in the wash in rehab? No one can tell you yes or no. That all depends on the person, and what they get from the experience. 30 days is an early early beginning step in recovery. It may take him many many more months at home working his recovery to process all that has happened.

Bottom line...nothing you can do about any of that. You CAN however, focus on your own recovery. While he is safely tucked away getting expert care, get busy taking care of you. Now is the time to find an AlAnon group, and start to look at the issues you are dealing with.

I hope he does well, but whatever happens with him, I hope you take care of you.

Ruby2

i am a double winner. alcoholic married to an alcoholic addict. i went to rehab in october 2012. there were two phones available for everyone in my unit. no cell phones. no computer. phones were shut off while we were in sessions. i made very few phone calls.
mainly to my parents because they had my two young children in their care. each facility has different rules but that is what i experienced. try to focus on you. you need healing just as much as your husband. take care of you during this time.

Stung

I have no advice but I wanted to welcome you here. I'm sending you strength and hugs. It sounds like you're going through a lot.

LvWrAM123

A lot of rehabs have a no contact rule for the first week. I know the ones we looked at did. The one my husband went to he was kept very busy with a structured schedule. 2 pay phones for a 50 bed facility. He was only able to call me after the no contact week because someone who was leaving gave him her calling card, and then I was able to get him a calling card of his own. Even if he is allowed contact, I'm sure he is busy, and maybe just really focussing on himself and his recovery process-that could be a really good thing!

However, I wouldn't necessarily expect there to be a lot about the setting/cheating/more info coming out during the IP rehab, per say. Their focus will likely be more on focusing on the alcoholism/addiction (tho it is possible that setting/sex addiction is related to a progressive/escalating addiction process - "cross addiction").

My hubby has been home for a few weeks now, and it has not been easy-them going to rehab for a month definitely does not "fix everything". It is just a first step in the process. Now home, he is in therapy, going to 90 mtgs in 90 days, and working the steps with a sponsor. I am going to therapy, and need to get al anon onto my schedule. We are starting couples therapy next week. He came home to see more clearly than ever all the collateral damage of his addiction, which kind of deepened his shame. I had early expectations he would be doing more to "fix" said damage (especially related to fixing trust issues in the marriage), but I am understanding things better/big picture now. Recovery is hard work, and requires the A to be pretty self centered for awhile ( ironically, not unlike a selfish, drinking A in some ways, but but better), one actions not words way we can start rebuilding trust in our relationship is me seeing him get up early every morning to go to those mtgs and to work his program. I'm really proud of him, and I am starting to view him as working on his recovery as a great way to demonstrate that rebuilding of trust that we need. In the meantime, I am getting support, therapy, reading, and hopefully getting on the road to my own recovery and self-care. A strong marriage needs a good foundation, so we are each shoring up ourselves so we can have that again someday. And we have a "1st date" planned for tomorrow, which feels good. Not to get back "what we had" but to build something new (hopefully better, since he'll be sober and we'll both be "in recovery").

So, hubby's rehab, for us/me didn't really offer any additional info/details about his "indiscretion", help us sort thru our trust issues, or really any of the US stuff. It helped hubby focus on Step 1 though, which was what he needed to get going down the path to recovery, which is a necessary ingredient for there to be any hope of "fixing us" now and in the future.

I'm sorry you have circumstances that led you here, but I'm glad you are here. I agree that while your hubby is gone, this is a great time for you to learn more about addiction/alcoholism/"codependency" (I still hate the word, but am begrudgingly accepting it - like my hubby with Step 1 I guess )and focus on your own recovery and healing process - good luck!

Carlotta

I am also a double winner and went to rehab in 2001. We only had two pay phones and limited time to use it. Furthermore, there was no change machine so getting quarters to use the phones was an issue.
Count your blessings though, a lot of people do no like rehab because they feel they were coerced to go or whatever (I was one of the few to be grateful to be there but I wasa single and checked myself in on my own volition). Him not being able to call you minimize the amount of quacking, complaining and trying to manipulate you into "letting him" leave treatment early.

lad81

Thank you all so much for your replies. He called last night and sounded so great. He was very positive and said he is very committed to the program. We talked for quite a while and it was a really great conversation. We talked about where we are both at in our recovery and it was interesting that we are both at the exact same step and struggling with the same thing – Figuring out what our higher power is. We are both working very hard on it and helped each other with our thoughts and ideas. It’s the first time in a very long time that we worked to help each other as a team. It was nice.

One step/moment at a time.