Am I missing something here?
 

Hi,

I've been reading other threads for awhile and thought maybe I could ask some of you guys for an advice too.

My BF (42 yo) is a recovering alcoholic, sober for over 3 years. His lifestyle is very healthy, he has a successful career in sport, an affectionate relationship with his parents (with whom he gets in touch every day), a lovely property he done up all by himself and you can continue the list far and far with his personal and professional qualities and achievements. I see him as a very driven and self-disciplined person. What had happened between us could not be described here in detail but it's important to say that I love this man very much and I know that he loves me too. I want things to work for us.

We've been seeing each other for around 8 months and are living separately. I did not know about his history of drug and alcohol use for the first couple of months. It didn't seem strange that he never had a drink if I had one, I thought it was all part of his lifestyle. Besides, I hardly ever have a drink and might go up to 2 on a special occasion but that's about how much I can manage. I've been married twice and had a few long-term relationships but none with an alcoholic or a recovering one. I grew up in a family without such or in fact any other serious issues. I tend to look at things positively usually, prior meeting him I was in a happy place in my life, with myself, at home, with my professional career and social life. So not that I was looking for any signs or noticing anything 'out of order'.

When he told me, I have accepted it the way he wanted me to, as if 'it changes nothing and we don't need to talk about it'. I did go online for info but not for long, because he reassured me that nothing ever in a million years will make him pick up a drink again.

I was happy to carry on as we were but it was him who wanted to talk about it again and again. I'd participate but soon discovered that whatever I said to support/reassure him, didn't help. He would unsettle himself with such talks, unsettle me and then actually say that I shouldn't raise this subject, because in fact I could never (and ever) understand. He isn't normal, he has to work on his recovery every single day, and talking about past is unhelpful. As if I was chasing him around with questions.

Now, I am not a drama queen and I'd be happy not to talk about it. I just did because I thought he needed to. Then he gave me the AA book to read and my initial reaction was - if you want me to stay away from this, why? He looked a bit confused so I alologised and went home to read the book. I figured out he was trying to help me understand what he was doing in recovery. He did not go to AA meetings after the first 40 but he was (and still is) following the program fully. So I've read it and went online again, this time determined to learn more. Also I bought and read a couple of other books about recovery.

For another 2-3 months our relationship was going great. I've met his parents and it seemed that my BF had a very good upbringing. Time to time we'd still talk about his past. Time to time he'd get a bit annoyed with me and say that I was making a big deal of something, and I knew I didn't, but nothing major.

And then things started to happen, which seemed out of character. Or maybe they weren't? Maybe it's me out of my brain trying to understand something I can't indeed? Is it me not being supporting him in the right way? Was I and am I making things worse by treating him as I would a normal person? Should I be adjusting my expectations and hold back opinions?

First, his 'friend' turned up from nowhere. When we met, my BF said that he didn't have any friends, they all were left behind together with his old lifestyle. This 'friend' helped him in early recovery. He is an alcoholic and is relapsing every now and again. My BF described to me in quite some detail what kind of things this 'friend' did not so long ago, trying to sabotage BF's recovery, and then reassured me that 'never again' such person can be his friend. Next thing I know, this is a good friend, they are meeting up once or twice a week, sometimes those days when BF would have previously met up with me.

Ok, friendships are important and this guy was sober for 6 months. My BF was hopeful for him and very supportive. We met up all together, me, my BF, his friend and friend's GF, and had a good time and a good chat. I could see that the friend wasn't well, in fact, to me he looked like as if he was still drinking, even though he was sober that eve!

Anyway, I tried not to worry about this 'friend' but my worry was kind of obvious and my BF reassured me again and again that everything was ok. A lot of our conversations were now evolving around this friend, his GF, their situation, alcohol and so on. By this time I was already quite resentful of this guy and my BF was annoyed with what he called jealousy. I could not explain to him what it looked like from my perspective. First it's 'no way we will be friends', then 'we are best friends', then 'he and his GF are about to move together, that's cool' (would an alcoholic in recovery not know that it's a huge risk to do such thing before at least 1 year of sobriety had passed?), I raised some concerns casually but was 'told off' rather sternly as if I don't understand anything. Only P. can, that's why they are such great friends.

Then P. and was kicked out of his GF's house. He's got no job and no one wants to help him, apart from my BF. P. moves in and out of my BF's house. BF complains to me all the time how hard it is for him etc. but still helps his friend. Recently P. stopped drinking again, moved back in with his GF, although things are rocky in there, and offered to meet up altogether for lunch. BF asked me, I refused as gently as possible, he wanted an explanation, I said it wasn't healthy and explained what I meant. He later said that I made a huge deal out of nothing. We were invited for lunch and nothing more. I've offered to meet up for lunch with my friends (great people, no ongoing relapsing issues that could send my BF into a depressed state again). Somehow my BF is managing to avoid this option. He said a few times, he is not comfortable with people he doesn't know, certain social situations and big crowds. OK. Maybe recovery does require these sacrifices. Does not mean I will sacrifice my time for a pair of new friends who only caused disruption in my life so far.

This stuff is in addition to issues within the relationship. To start with, my BF confesses to me that he has no physical attraction to me. As far as I was aware, things in that department were great, best ever in fact to start with. I could not understand, he was doing one thing and saying another. He said that he had to switch that part of life off in order to focus on recovery, that he didn't have any sex in sobriety and all that was strange for him. To start with he did 'it' for me apparently but as time progressed he apparently felt like he was pressurized by me. I am a tactile person, give hugs, want to be hugged. Yes, I did raise concerns at some point, when so early in our relationship he started to behave quite strange and shy away from me physically. At some point, around 5 months into the relationship, it became quite difficult for me on that front, as he would simply do or say things that would build up tension and then when the moment would come, he'd just shut me out. It's a lonely place, which I quite not experienced in such depth before. When I confronted my BF about my feelings, I wished I did that earlier and when I was still not that upset. It came out as a complaint. My BF replied, he'd be happy to live the rest of his life without sex. He is faithful, loyal and has to be brutally honest. This crushed my brain. He is such a hot guy and things happened in such a lovely way between us! He also said that I am not that desirable and suggested that I should be sexier if I want something. It's like this brutal honesty is an excuse, a license to tear me down! Now, that I did know what to reply to ;)

While I was digesting all that, and I must say I have never heard that one before or would say something like that to anyone (is it not the same as saying to a guy that their d..k is too small? Whatever you say after that would never fix it back, right?)... Just as I was getting around my hurt feelings, my BF explained to me that what he said HAS NOTHING TO DO with me not being sexy or his recovery. All that, apparently, had to do with my kids.

I am a single Mum of 3. I provide for them just fine, they are great kids, there are arrangements with their father, which allow me plenty of time for a relationship, travels etc. No longer any conflict there, I've been divorced for years. No crazy boyfriends or other issues on my part.

My BF new right from the start that I have kids and said that he would think twice before going out with someone over 30 who had no child or children, as he would want to be with someone family oriented. Well, that's me, despite the amount of effort I put into my career, children and him come first.

I was hesitating to let him and kids meet, because in my previous 2 relationships each man had made it only too clear that kids are a 'big responsibility'. There was too much talking, too much worrying about the future. They did not upset kids, just me, and after me breaking up with them eventually, they still care for the kids (and I even had a marriage offer from the guy, who found it most challenging for around 3 years) even now. Not a birthday or Christmas is missed, any chat - they ask about kids. I could see the bond was created both times and it's not surprising. My kids are as loving, as trusting and as accepting as kids could be. No one has to prove themselves to have a place in their heart. They haven't been hurt yet, despite my obvious inability to stick to one partner.

But I do want to stick to this one. It is important to me that I feel this way, that there is connection and there is no underlying feeling of something not being quite right. When my BF doesn't shock me with strange statements, I for once in my life feel 'at home', as if this is my soulmate or something like that. We both are people of faith too, and somehow I feel God is looking after us.

But back to kids. I explained to my BF what had happened in previous relationships and how that hurt me and damaged the relationships. He said, if that happened, it means the relationships weren't right in the first place. So after around 4 months of seeing each other I had invited him for dinner with kids. All went great, I thought. Then he organised a few activities for the kids. They went great. Kids loved him, the activities and behaved. He behaved too ;). I was ever so anxious but managed to keep that to myself. He also fixed everything in my house, including kids' bedrooms and my car (not on that day, he came over a few times).

But every single time he would come back to me not with something negative about my kids but with something extremely negative about how he feels towards them, the situation and the future. Eventually he said that he does not see any future together. It would take a huge effort for him to accept living with just one other person, let alone another 4. And considering that he doesn't want his own kids, why should he want someone else's? And where would he find enough patience anyway? Once again, brutal honesty is a must for recovery.

And then he said that he loves me ever so much and people can love each other, having all sorts of different kinds of arrangements. But this is the best he can offer. His sobriety is a priority.

I wasn't impressed with all this yo-yo. And quite hurt. Also mindful that all this drama has started very early in the relationship, when one would expect to still smell roses and play under the sheets like teens. Besides, somehow not alcoholism but my children became 'the issue' for why the relationship can't progress. And no one was asking me, whether I wanted it to progress or not. It was assumed that because I am a 'family girl', I would naturally want that.

So I have made a decision and told him that it looks like we have no choice but to be friends. He was very surprised and could not understand why the relationship had to end. He offered to keep seeing each other as we are now, and just have a good time together. Maybe things will improve in time, he said. Review the situation in another 6 months or so. For awhile I was considering these 'other arrangements' and thought maybe it was worth to hang around for a bit longer. Things went down on the affection side at the same time due to stresses of our relationship. But Christmas was coming and arrangements were made. I resolved to get away after, not wanting to let anybody down and have a sour Christmas myself. Or maybe it's just my excuse to have more time with the man I love.

We had a great one. He enjoyed it too. He said many times that he does not want to break up. That he loves me deeply and that he isn't perfect and maybe should have not said what he said. Affection-wise, he is saying now that there were problems to start with due to previous alcohol issues and pressures of his work, but his 'desire caught up' with him. Whatever that means. Previously he was saying that if it was important for me in a relationship (?), he would do it for me. But now, apparently, all had fixed itself.

During this relationship I have 'learned' a lot of things about myself, too. That I am the most judgmental person he ever met. That I misunderstand a lot and that I'm a bit nuts. Where I was complimented before, on my mild nature, intuition, kindness - I am sometimes questioned. Still, maybe there are reasons for that now. I rarely lost my temper in the past, even during the second bitter divorce, but had lost it with him a number of times by now.

Is it a way to be? Would it help if I accept that he is 'a damaged' person, instead of expecting 'normal' from him? Him questioning my 'normality' - is it, to say, some kind of defense mechanism? Maybe he is just adjusting to a real sober life and all these are inevitable in your first relationship in sobriety, especially if all previous relationships were fueled by alcohol and drugs?

I want to be there for him but I don't want to lose my way only to find myself insane and empty few years down the line, achieved nothing. I feel there is hope for us, I just need to understand better.

Maybe not. But there is a lot of drama in this situation. Do you need all of this? You haven't described a loving, nurturing relationship. Alcoholism and recovery aside, this is the guy you are dating. He's unlikely to change. So you need to decide what you are willing to put up with, and for how long?

Eight months is long enough to see the man you are dating, and short enough to bail out of without harm or foul.

Good luck.

Let's leave recovery and alcoholism out of this picture completely.

You are with a man who has told you:

He is not attracted to you in a sexual way.

He is not interested in your children.

He is not interested in your friends or being social with them.

This relationship is only 8 months new and you are already willing to accept what ever crumbs he throws your way and wrapping your mind around the excuse to these relationship breakers as recovery issues.

This man is telling you exactly who and how he is and that is not going to change. More recovery is NOT going to turn him into the man who wish he can be.

I think YOU need to work on why you would be willing to stick around snd accept SO LITTLE from him? Why you would hold on so desperately to someone who've only know a few short months.

Again, keeping recovery and alcoholism out of this picture because really that doesn't have a thing to do with YOU or YOUR wise's on accepting so little.

the "brutal honesty" he claims is nothing but just plain MEAN. AA talks about rigorous honesty....with SELF. telling someone they don't find them attractive and they SHOULD be sexier if they "want" something isn't being HONEST, it's being cruel. statements like that are completely unnecessary.

you said you learned things about yourself...that you are the most judgmental person HE has ever met. that isn't learning about you....that's learning about HIS view and opinions. he does not define you.

doesn't want sex. isn't attracted to you. doesn't want kids. doesn't want YOUR kids. can't hold to a decision regarding this "friend" - gives you the come here, go away dance. when people show us who they are, we need to BELEIVE them. he's shown you a lot in 8 months.....

Thank you for your reply guys. If everything was black and white, making a decision would not be so difficult. I have described the issues that concern me but I left out the 80% of all the good stuff, on which I don't need advice obviously. I know he loves me and in his mind places great value on our relationship. He goes out of his way to please me, do something special and he is always there if I need him. He is loyal. After all the things above he apologised and said that he isn't perfect. He knows he can be a hand full.

It's very confusing but now the 'agreed' things between us are that: he does find me very attractive (apparently, always did and just reacted in the wrong way to something I said) and he does want sex with me (as I say, if he didn't open his mouth about it, I would never think there were such issues, we had and have it now and it's great). He says that he just needed time to get used to this being in sobriety.

He said 'sorry' about what he said about kids and offered to visit every other week for an evening and spend time with them. Maybe it would help him to open up to them. And as to friends, I have just texted him and invited him to a dinner with them sometime soon. He just replied 'yes, of course!'

It seems to me that the man is trying to work on his issues. Sometimes he must be trying quite hard because I can see that after some of our conversations he is physically exhausted. Yet, he persists until whatever it is resolved. There are times when my patience runs out and I blow up, and then he is the one who stays calm and tries to make me feel better.

Why would I need all this drama? I don't. I didn't want a relationship so soon after the previous one ended, anyway. But I am in it now and this means, I am there for the person I am with. As strange things as they are sometimes, it seems cowardly to give up on what is otherwise a very fulfilling relationship, without even trying.

You seem to have arrived at quite an unhealthy situation . (with this guy)

If it were me, I would accept his words as the truth, and move the hell on, with grace and dignity.

The reason people date, is find out if there is a connection, and to see if they are compatible. The writing is on the wall, my friend. 8 months later he tells you he is not attracted to you, what more do you need to hear? ( sensitively said)

My gut says there is more to this story than he has presented to you............ I bet if you just take a few steps back more is going to be revealed, but........ I also believe in taking those few step back and with a little time you may find out you simply don't give a damn.

People don't have to be alcoholics to be insensitive jerks.........

"But I do want to stick to this one. It is important to me that I feel this way, that there is connection and there is no underlying feeling of something not being quite right. When my BF doesn't shock me with strange statements, I for once in my life feel 'at home', as if this is my soulmate or something like that."

I am little confused about the contradiction here. How can there be no underlying feeling of something not being right when he periodically shocks you with strange statements?

One CAN be too determined to make something work, I think...you have a lot of red flags that this guy is not the person for a long-term commitment. He frankly does not even sound like a very nice person. I don't know if this has anything to do with him being an RA.

As others have suggested, you might consider asking yourself why you are so bound and determined to "make things work" with someone who doesn't seem to have the same determination. I flitted about from one bad relationship to another hoping one of them would fill the void I had lived with for so long...turns out the only person who could make me happy was me.

Abelle, we obviously were posting at the same time.

Reading your most recent post confuses me.

I can only imagine how you are feeling.

i can only add, it appears you are allowing him to make an awful lot of choices and decisions here.

you too, have a voice and a say in how you would like things to proceed.........

Proceed with caution.

Thank you marie1960! Well, not attracted physically doesn't mean not attracted at all. I felt strong attraction from his side all along (and from me to him too), he expressed it in many different ways, including telling about me to other significant people in his life, parents, colleagues. I am not stupid, I could see he was very attracted to me, courteous and quite humble. On the physical side, we saw each other for awhile without sex, just as we both wanted to. And then when it became part of our relationship, it was great, there weren't a problem. But after he met kids, things in that department went a bit quiet, I got concerned and confronted him. I wish I just talked to him without getting agitated, because he is saying that by that time things started to improve naturally. I don't know what to believe here, to be honest. He says, he had to catch up on physical attraction side and gives different reasons to that. But whether it is because this is his first 'sober' relationship, or whether worrying about children brought him down, or whether it was his physically demanding job (that could affect physical side of things too) - whatever it is, I know that when it happened, he wasn't suffering and it wasn't just for me.

I've got a feeling that for some reason he is confusing himself. Some interference between an action and reaction. I have no idea how he arrived to a conclusion that holding hands and hugging would be perfectly enough for him for the rest of his life. Saying that comes as natural to him, as texting the day after (or before) to let me know how much he misses me in that way. Sorry for the detail.

I have a lot of pride and if I didn't feel appreciated as a female, I would be out. I ended ALL relationships in my life and it would be the easiest thing to end this one too. Maybe I am old fashioned. This man seems confused but genuinely wanting to do better, both in his life and our relationship.

Maybe his brain was affected by alcohol in such a way? I am just trying to figure out, whether something can be done here.

I see a lot of red flags in your posts that point to your own codependency being an issue here as well. I have to ask - why would you WANT to develop a relationship with someone that doesn't respect or love your children??

The situation with the "friend" the "go away, come back" dance, the bringing up the topic of his addiciton then turning it all around on you instead... these are all classic, subtle signs of manipulation by an addict.

I would strongly urge you to keep reading here on this forum & educate yourself more on all sides of addiciton before deciding whether to continue to take your kids down this road with you.

This alone says volumes to me:
Isn't one of the basic tenets of the program that you DO ATTEND meetings? If so, he's not at all "following the program fully". Does he have a sponsor that he communicates with regularly?

Thank you Marie,

It's exactly like that, confusing! And an awful lot of choices and decisions he is 'allowed' to make because he is the one creating these storms. I can only do 2 things: wait and see what happens and try to figure out where I am actually at. And to leave of course, which I have already done - but we talked it through with the result all described above.

I do feel cautious now. Some things don't seem like an option for awhile, for example, introducing him to my parents. I am not even sure he should be seeing my kids more, as he suggested. They already over the moon with him, he's a great fun with all ideas, handmade toys and fun activities he orginized. I guess, got to wait and see.

In my book this behavior is emotionally abusive and just plain mean.

Would you be happy living the rest of your life without sex and affection? Maybe he would, but what about you? It's a normal part of human existence, and if it's important to you, maybe this man is not the one for you.

What I'm seeing in your description is a person who is holding on to some behaviors that are common in addicts, though he is not drinking.

He is controlling and manipulative.
You may not see it, but let me give you some examples from your story.

• He refuses to meet your friends for lunch, but he gets irate and demands an explanation when you decline a lunch invitation.
  
• He is acting like a child in relationship to your children -- in effect asking you to choose between them and him ("who do you love more, Mommy?").
  
• He is attempting to break down your confidence by telling you that you are simply not sexually attractive to you.
  
• He is attempting to control and change you by telling you that you need to change in order for him to be sexually attracted to you.

A normal man who didn't want to have sex with you, didn't want to meet your friends, and didn't want children would break up with you. He doesn't want to break up with you. He wants you to stay, but under his control. He wants you to try to jump through the hoops he sets up for you in trying to become the woman he says he wants. Except the hoops will change along the way and you will start walking on eggshells to figure out how to keep him happy.

I think that you, like I once did, have walked into a relationship with a big heart and a lot of compassion for people who have had a rougher road this far in life than you have. That makes us supremely unqualified to recognize true dysfunction in a person when we see it. Especially, I think we expect people to be predictable and consistent -- and when they're not, we tend to see the dysfunctional as an aberration rather than part of who the person actually is.

I think he did you a favor by giving you the Big Book. I also think you could benefit from Al-Anon meetings -- because you will see that a lot of the "shocking" behaviors you're seeing in your BF are pretty run of the mill with addicts.

We have quite a few "double winners" here (folks who are recovering alcoholics AND recovering codependents) and some of them will remind you that addiction is a three-pronged curse: it's physical, mental, and spiritual, and unless you deal with all three, some of the behaviors of the addict will continue to hound you.

I would venture to guess that your BF, since he has worked the program on his own without input from other AA members or a sponsor, may not have covered all the bases. That doesn't mean he's a bad person or that he will relapse tomorrow -- it just means he is not as healthy as he could be. And it's up to you to figure out if you want to take a chance on that or not.

Good point Sparkie! I guess, I value what person does more than what he says. To me words alone do not necessarily mean that relationship is faulty. Things could be said in the heat of the moment, due to a misunderstanding etc. Of course, I have my boundaries. Swearing is a no-no. Things my BF said, are a no-no. But they came out of the blue, when everything else was going very well and I mean, just great and normal in every way.

Should I be taking into account that he is going through difficult times and maybe said something he wouldn't otherwise? That's why I am here. I don't fully understand the pressures of recovery. But it looks like everyone thinks he is just plain mean!

I have already figured out that the only person that can make me happy is me. There is no void to fill in. I believe, if relationship does not make my life better, at least it should not make it worse. The reason why I would like to try and make things work is because he is not an item for me to figure out faults and bin for good. If his issues are genuine and if he is working on them, as it seems at the moment, maybe there is a way to go past these major fears. Or maybe not. I realise that. I have ended every single relationship in my life but I took time to make sure that nothing could be done first. We all are different, that's just how I am.

Then he tells you why it's your fault, and you believe him, and are quick to defend him when others point out just how emotionally manipulative he is being.

Emotional manipulation is often the trick card up the alcoholic's sleeve. Despite drying out, this doesn't always go away with the drink.

This story you've relayed is plain unhealthy. Whatever goodness you see in him does not erase or excuse this kind of mean, emotionally abusive behavior. Red flags aren't party favors. You know the women in the horror movies that see something weird in the house and keep going in deeper to investigate what it is she's seeing? Turn back! Beware! Danger! Here be evil things. You don't need to know what exactly his deal is to know that it's unhealthy and that guys who insult you and your family like this are not relationship material. It doesn't matter what he's going through. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.

There are men out there for you that won't manipulate you, make you feel lesser than, and put down YOUR CHILDREN. Trust me.

I just wanted to reiterate what Lilamy (so eloquently) talked about - simply not drinking does NOT equal recovery. A person can be "dry" but still display all the same behaviors of being an active addict when they aren't seriously pursuing recovery. There is really nothing unique or unusual about the situations you shared that cause you shock or confusion - if you look around here you'll find a thousand other stories with similar or near identical issues.

And while 3 years sounds like a lot of time to be without alcohol, at the same time it's nothing in the overall Big Picture. My RAH was over 2 yrs sober before relapsing for the exact same reason - he stopped the drinking but never dug down into the real roots of the problem.

"I guess, got to wait and see." (Abelle)

^^^^^^


In my situation, it was exactly this type of logic/reasoning that held me hostage for over 5 years. I kept hoping and waiting for him to have an "AH- HA" moment.

So while I was hanging on to hope, I lost myself along the way.

And as Mike pointed out to me a couple years ago, ( thank you Mike)

"Hope clouds observation."

Again, be very careful here, the fact that you are reaching out for others experience in these types of situations says you already understand that something is not quite right with this situation.

i can only suggest, take you life back, you are in control of you, it's as if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that certainly is not a healthy life choice.

i have to agree with you, limit your kids exposure to him.

Abelle, as enablers we make excuses for bad behavior. Why do we do this? Because it is so much easier than facing the truth. Deep down you are not comfortable with his behavior. If a friend came to you with this same story you would probably tell her she deserved better and needs to end it now while she can. You would also not like her blaming herself like he was trying to do to you. None of this is YOUR fault. You have done nothing wrong at all in fact, i think you were more than understanding and helpful to him! His ugly actions are the result of his issues, not yours. Why do you feel the necessity to help him because he has issues? Are you willing to be taken down with him because you feel bad? Here at SR we learn to take care of ourselves. We learn to take on our own recovery and not accept bad behavior, manipulation and control from others. You are entrenched in this and therefor have trouble seeing the real picture. Read what everyone is telling you. No one is telling you that he must be a great guy and for you to stay by his side because he has been sober 3 years. Why do you think that is?

I am going to be brutally honest and tell you I think he is a controlling, mean, manipulative person. Read again what lillamy has written. Would you allow a friend to treat you this way?
He says he doesn't find you attractive and then all of a sudden the feeling changed miraculously? Funny this happened when YOU decided to break it off. Just because he is not drinking does not mean he is cured of the drunk's behaviors, a term called dry drunk. He has major control issues. The decision is up to you but would you tell a woman who has a wonderful husband 90% of the time but he beats her 10% to stay? He is an abuser but does so emotionally. He has shown you his true self and now that you said you wanted it to be over, he is trying to back peddle and show his "nice" side. It is called manipulation. I urge you to not dispel the actions and words you were dealt before you asked to break it off. That is his true self and it will rear its ugly head again. I wish you the best with this situation. You deserve better and so do your children.

I guess, thinking about this a little further, the big issue here is that he's just not who he said he was. He presented a higher self to you that turns out not to meet his own standards. Or yours!

So one of your boundaries is cussing. You have the option of being with someone who cusses and you can argue with him about it all the time and feel unhappiness and friction in the relationship. Or you can find a partner that shares your values in this arena.

As someone who swears like a sailor/chef/truck driver, people like you and me just aren't compatible, and that's okay. Different strokes.

In this case, you've communicated some serious core values around intimacy and family and while he says he shares them with you, he's throwing up a lot of smoke screens and kicking up a lot of dirt to obscure the fact that maybe that's not all true. Confusion, denial, and manipulation are part of alcoholism -- confusing you makes it harder for you to collect all the facts and make a sound decision. I found in a relationship with my STBXAH that when his story was confusing me, he was probably lying. More often than not I was right.

This is one value system you don't share.