phoenix299

In an effort to get some of these feelings out of my head, I am posting this..
I'm not sure how to deal with these thoughts, this situation.. my wife is truly an amazing person, hard worker, devoted mother / partner but since I made the decision to stop drinking.. either I'm noticing things I've never noticed or her behavior has changed OR I'm embarrassed to think that I was doing the same things she is, but worse. I can't understand how she can sit next to me and drink a bottle of wine (or more) without considering what I'm struggling with.. Then the speech is impaired followed by a trip down memory lane but not a good trip.. one that basically addresses everything I've ever done to her.. then followed by her on her phone and then to bed where she wants s**.. Either way, I have to do something and talking to her about it is not an option. I feel so helpless and am building a great deal of negative feelings towards her...

hopeful4

Phoenix...have you voiced your concerns to her? I think it is so unfair of people to sit there and drink around a recovering alcoholic. I would never ever drink in the presence of my AH. I don't think it is fair at all. It sounds to me like she has a problem with alcohol also.

Good luck. I hope you continue in recovery and have a support system set up for you!

Hammer

Welcome to OUR world.

Let me see if I have this right?

You have had an Alcohol / Drinking problem, and are now Stopped/Stopping?

I have that part correct?

Your wife seems totally unaware of what you are going through?

And likes to Drunk Funk?

Which now that you are sober/aware -- is a little creepy. Do I have that right?

==============

That is a bed full of problems. Let's not start there.

Let's start with you. You are the only one you can work on, anyway.

Are you in a Program, such as AA?

Hawkeye13

I have to admit I don't much like the shoe on the other foot either.

But I dished it out when I was drinking.

Hammer, your post has me blushing

phoenix, perhaps you should let her know how much it bothers you,
but if you were doing the same thing to her for months / years
she may not be OK with changing.

phoenix299

haha.. thank you for the smile! yeah, sounds like you have it about right :o)

phoenix299

I find myself wanting to run for the hills too and I hate it cause we have always had such a great relationship in that way..

phoenix299

Sorry Hammer! I missed your questions!

I am not in any program. Just quit cold turkey and haven't looked back.

Hammer

Sorry Hawkeye.

Just my mental short hand coming out on the page.

The term hit my mind from my Birthday. After Mrs. Hammer had a "cooking accident" (looked like Self Injury -- an old addiction for her) about half cutting a thumb off, and climbed in bed and went to town with "Birthday Sex" while bleeding on top of me.

Twilight Zone. But that was about 3 to 4 months back from Rehab, and was pretty much Peak Crazy.

But back towards the more general -- weirdness in bed comes with the turf, Drunk or un-Drunking. Seems to take a while to sort out the new "normal," whatever that is.

Maybe rummage through the wimmen's undergarment section to get a little perspective.

Sober Recovery Women's Section -- http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/

Sort of helped me understand it a little.

btw, *we* (guys) are not supposed to post there, but I do not thinking peeking hurts.

============

Some in particular >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nce-sober.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-whatever.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-sex-life.html

Hammer

ahhh, would recommend you at least look into it.

Not saying that you need AA or anything. Some folks do not.

Or maybe Alanon since you are also now on the other side, as well.

The common experiences of a group can be really helpful.

Hawkeye13

Honestly Hammer, I'm not blushing from content
(I got a downright nasty sense of humor, truth be told)

I was blushing because you hit the nail right on the head,
honest Hammer that you are,
(pardon pun) with my own attitude and behavior.

I really did / do have a double standard.
This is one reason why I keep reading SR daily despite being steady in recovery.
I learn what I did to others drinking, and what I need to do to
"recover better", if that makes sense. . .

phoenix299

Thanks again.. I've looked into it and went to a couple meetings but it just wasn't for me. I'm not opposed to trying new things though so maybe I will try again. I would like a group to talk to.. or even just a select few.

hopeful4

Phoenix...I have went to Alanon and Celebrate Recovery both. I think the main thing is finding a group of people you click with. That happened for me at CR but for everyone it is different. If you don't find one...try another. They are out there.

phoenix299

Thanks Hopeful. That is another problem for me. My wife doesn't agree with therapy, groups, etc... so my attending any of these will turn into a battle. I know it's a battle worth fighting but I don't know if its one that will end well.

Hammer

whhhhoooooaaaa.

Hold on a minute.

IF, that is IF . . . YOU go to Alanon -- THAT is for YOU.

Not about her.

Keep your mouth shut.

Really, serious. Really.

You are SUPPOSED to keep your mouth shut.

These are all Anonymous Fellowships, anyway.


What happens at Fight Club stays at Fight Club.

phoenix299

I don't like to sneak around and would prefer to be able to tell her where I was going. Is it typical for people to do this completely on their own like that? Not telling their spouse?

Hammer

Not saying Lie nor Sneak.

Just keep your mouth shut.

For what is worth -- I used to be REAL open for my part.

She slipped REAL bad into MY stuff (Alanon, etc. -- was trying to track who my sponsor may be, etc.)

So. She is not real welcome there anymore.

Which seems better for BOTH of us.

hopeful4

I don't agree with sneaking around. I do say find the courage to tell you you need this support for YOU, that you are not asking her to go or to have anything to do with it. Then go and don't talk to her about it again unless it is positive for YOU.

Good Luck.

phoenix299

I feel like a weight has been taken off me from reading this.. thank you.. I will take a look but not quite sure how to find a mtg?

hopeful4

Phoenix, I believe Alanon and Celebrate Recovery will both have websites to show you where to find the meetings.