Natalie1203

Hi everyone. So glad I found this site. I pretty much know what I need to do about my situation, I guess I just want to vent. Hopefully there's someone out there that's been or is in the same situation.

I got divorced 2 years ago when I was pregnant with my son. I received an email from an old friend I used to date as a kid and went on a date with him. I've been with him ever since and we have a baby girl that's about to be born. My 2 kids from my previous marriage loved him...at first. He was great with them. Of course my parents could see thru his bs and have hated him since day 1!

Things got bad when we moved in together. I qualified for housing, considering I was a single mom of 2, so I took it hoping we could save enough to move out within the year. I always knew my bf smoked weed and drank from time to time. None of which bothered me until I saw the extent of his addictions once he moved in. Needing weed at night to relax. Saying the kids had been rowdy that day and he needed a beer to calm his nerves. It started to get old and rather annoying. I considering making him leave as fights (nothing physical) escalated between us when he drank or wouldn't come home till 3am from a bar with coworkers. I considered giving our baby up for adoption as I knew being a single mom to 3 would be incredibly hard and he'd probably be hungover half the time and unable to help me care for her. He quickly talked me out of that and promised to change and he did...for awhile. Now he's back to drinking all the time. Telling me I don't have enough time for him because I'm busy with my kids. I also found out a couple days ago that he is having an affair with a coworker and this isn't the first time.

I know it's time to part ways but having a baby on the way makes leaving so hard. I also don't know how to get him removed from my house because he's not on the lease and losing my apartment would leave my kids and I homeless.

Any suggestions/words of wisdom?

catlovermi

Natalie,

Welcome, to you, we understand. Gentle hugs as you are right, you are in a tight spot.

I wanted to greet you and make you welcome, although your circumstances are not my area of experience so others who have been in your shoes will be along as they log in.

I did have a couple thoughts, though. First, even though you are not in a domestic violence situation, you can contact a local women's shelter and they have people who can help educate you about your rights and also what community resources may be available to a single mother of three. Don't be afraid to aggressively seek any information which may turn up a clue for a solution.

Second, you may benefit from legal counsel in retaining your housing and getting an active addict evicted from it.

Your children will help you to have strength and focus. Think of their ONE AND ONLY childhood they are entering, and decide what you want their experience to be. They deserve to feel safe and secure, have a peaceful and non-chaotic environment to grow and develop in. They need to learn what is correct in how adults behave around each other and to them. The lessons you show them now are POWERFUL in the first seven years of life, because they are learning what the world is about and what to expect from it.

Welcome, again, please feel free to post as often as it helps you and know that this is a caring community that understands how addiction steals the life we wanted and dumps a hurricane of hurt into our lap.

CLMI

Lulu39

Um, he's not on the lease, yes?

Get him removed from your home, if that's what you want to do because HE'S NOT ON THE LEASE!

Hawkeye13

I think what she may be suggesting is that by having him removed she's "admitting" that he lives there which may compromise her status as a single mother having the apartment alone which might hurt her subsidized rent?

That might not be right, just a guess.

However, I do agree with Lulu. Get him out or move out / elsewhere maybe even home to parents for awhile if your can't get him removed "officially".

As others have posted, that's no way for kids to grow up and you deserve better than a cheating addict for a husband / father. Addiction is progressive
and it doesn't sound like he is attempting recovery.
Are you still considering adoption for baby?

Take care

hopeful4

I am sorry you are in this position. Someone has to be an advocate for your children, and it looks like it is only going to be you. Let that drive you forward. Contact legal aide in your area. As someone else said, contact anyone you have to to get him out. Serve him w/an eviction notice if you have to.

Do you really want your children in this environment? I assure you, it will only get worse as time goes on, not easier.

I am sorry. Gentle Hugs.

NWGRITS

Subsidized housing is definitely a slippery slope when you're breaking the rules and have an extra person living there without the complex's knowledge. She could potentially lose her home due to violating the HUD restrictions on Section 8 housing. If that's not an issue, then you've got that stupid/great (depending on which side you're on) law that makes someone a legal tenant of a dwelling after 30 consecutive days of living there-- even without their name on the lease. Virginia is at least one of the states I know off the top of my head.

Regarding the baby... I am in no way passing judgment on you, because I'm NOT you, and I don't live inside your head. However, you said you considered putting up your baby for adoption because you'd be a single mother of 3 and that HE might be hungover most of the time. Being a single mom is hard, yes. Been there, done that, didn't want the t-shirt. But it's not impossible. You have resources available to you to help with those beautiful children. Now, letting anything about HIM creep in and affect your decision making about your own baby? Just stop and consider that for a moment. Choose an A over your child? No judgment, just food for thought. I considered putting my first baby up for adoption. Then my last one, because she was a "you can't have any more" surprise and I was totally overwhelmed. But then how do you explain to said baby 20 years later, or the siblings, that you put that one up for adoption? What then? It's a minefield, and a lot to sit down and consider rationally (without the input of an addict).

I suggest Al-Anon for you, and some good counseling services. Get to WIC or wherever you can and find help for yourself. Find out your legal rights where the apartment is concerned. You don't have to do this alone. (((HUGS)))

Stung

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was pregnant with my second child when my husband's drinking really started to get out of hand and she was only 2 months old when he finally admitted that he had a problem with drinking.

Personally, in hindsight, I would have kicked my husband out for good before our daughter was born, had I known that he had a serious problem with alcohol (especially if he was cheating.)

Do you have family near by that can support you and help when your new baby arrives?