He won't sign the papers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: VA
Posts: 29
He won't sign the papers
I have lost control of my situation and I don't know what to do. I left my AH almost six months ago and hired an attorney. I presented my AH with the settlement agreement that he needs to sign so that I can file for divorce this month. He refuses to sign the papers. If he doesn't sign, according to VA law I have to wait a full year before I can take him to court to get a divorce. He feels like this gives him six more months to become the man I want him to be. WHAT?!?!?!
What has he done these last six months to save his marriage??? He got a 2nd DUI. He wrecked his truck. He has gone to the hospital after having an alcohol related seizure at work. But not one step has he tried to become a better man. Why do I have to drag this out another six months because he won't sign the papers? I want to cry. I am crying. I don't know how to deal with this. I want it to be over. How do I detach when I have to convince him that he needs to sign the papers?
What has he done these last six months to save his marriage??? He got a 2nd DUI. He wrecked his truck. He has gone to the hospital after having an alcohol related seizure at work. But not one step has he tried to become a better man. Why do I have to drag this out another six months because he won't sign the papers? I want to cry. I am crying. I don't know how to deal with this. I want it to be over. How do I detach when I have to convince him that he needs to sign the papers?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sunshine---can you explain more? I can sure understand why you want that madness to be over.....and, I get that it is not on the time-frame that you wanted, and that is disappointing to you. I don't get where you feel that you have lost control of your situation...
Can you 'splain it to me, Lucy?
dandylion
Can you 'splain it to me, Lucy?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
If there is nothing you can do legally sunshine, I would cut off
all communication with him except through your lawyer.
You need space to work on your recovery, and he needs to get you mean business.
I don't recall all the details of your situation, but if you have nothing to do with him except through formal channels, he may give in.
This is just an idea, but I don't think you can badger or guilt him into it.
If you try, he sees you engaging him as an opportunity to get back in your life.
What do others think?
all communication with him except through your lawyer.
You need space to work on your recovery, and he needs to get you mean business.
I don't recall all the details of your situation, but if you have nothing to do with him except through formal channels, he may give in.
This is just an idea, but I don't think you can badger or guilt him into it.
If you try, he sees you engaging him as an opportunity to get back in your life.
What do others think?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I suspect that he is just counting on "stonewalling" to work. Sounds like he is so deep in h is disease at this point---he probably can't think of any other tool to use, and keep the ability to drink at the same time. Looks like he wants the comfort of the marriage and his drinking at the same time. If I am right.....very sad for him......probably everybody has to get out of his way before he MIGHT think about recovery?
dandylion
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: VA
Posts: 29
I want to move on with my life. I want my maiden name back. I might even want to try dating again, but as a Christian and as long as I am a married woman, I will refrain. I feel like I have lost control of this situation because I am in the hand's of my AH. He has to sign the settlement agreement. I could file for a divorce this month. The madness could stop THIS MONTH. He wants to drag it out for whatever reason. Like a typical alcoholic he just wants to bury his head in the sand and drink to forget this is really happening.
I can't refinance my house or fix my leaking roof before the winter really hits because his truck (the one that he wrecked and is no longer drivable) is effecting my line of credit. Part of the settlement agreement is that he has to buy the truck from me. His poor decisions are still impacting what I can and cannot do with my life. I am stuck waiting for the impossible - for AH to do the right thing.
I can't refinance my house or fix my leaking roof before the winter really hits because his truck (the one that he wrecked and is no longer drivable) is effecting my line of credit. Part of the settlement agreement is that he has to buy the truck from me. His poor decisions are still impacting what I can and cannot do with my life. I am stuck waiting for the impossible - for AH to do the right thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: VA
Posts: 29
I wish that i had some sort of leverage to buy his signature. I wish that I could afford to say, "Hey, sign the papers and I will give you the truck." I currently work 65+ hours a week to try and save enough to fix my roof. I don't have the means and I am fresh out of ideas how to make this work in my favor.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sunshine......just a thought....you might use this "extra time" to work on yourself...to learn how you formed this relationship----and what you need to k now about yourself so as not to repeat the same pattern again. Without self-awareness those involved with an alcoholic or addict or abuser, etc....almost ALWAYS repeat the same thing again in future relationships.
Immediate dating for a co-dependent can be verrrry dangerous.
I'm just saying.......
dandylion
Immediate dating for a co-dependent can be verrrry dangerous.
I'm just saying.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hugs, Sunshine.
I completely understand the frustration of having your name held captive by an uncooperative AH. I'm finally able to start the giant process of changing mine back more than a year and a half after HE asked for a divorce. Yes, HE filed for the divorce, then HE dragged his feet through the process. Shaking my head...
The thing is, other than my name change, I decided to not be bothered by it too much. And, that saved me from a load of anxiety. When people find out how long it took for my divorce, they assume it was an ugly one for that whole time. While I wouldn't call it pretty... I really wasn't working at it for the whole time. That was my attorney's job. She gave me updates if / when anything was happening. And me? Well, I worked on living my life again on my own. I got a job, made a budget, held off on doing a lot of cost-money things other than the most essential until I could get on my feet more. Actually, I was somewhat thankful I wasn't giving my attorney all of my money at once. When we finally had the big push at the end of the divorce process, I was in a much better position to pay for it.
I'm with Dandylion on the whole dating thing. When I left, I was a mess. So confused and didn't trust my judgement on any relationships anymore. I was second guessing everything that my life with AH had been. I could bring nothing but chaos to any new relationship. And, who would want that? Someone just as sick as I was, that's who. Taking time to come to grips with who I am and how i relate to the world individually has been incredibly helpful for me.
I guess what I'm saying is, you can make him irrelevant to your current life without having an immediate divorce. Start by deciding his actions will not influence yours and then take steps to make that possible. I understand that you are concerned about the financial link between the two of you and the effect on your credit. This is something to speak with your attorney about. Isn't there a way to be separated without being divorced in VA? Separation my be a more palatable option for your AH as well since it isn't so final sounding. In my state, divorce is a simple process if a separation agreement had been signed previously.
I know it's frustrating not to feel the closure right away, and you want to get on with your life without him. But, you can get on with your life without him. Don't give him anything but your name to hold hostage. In time, he will give that up too. Patience.
Wishing you peace,
Fathom
I completely understand the frustration of having your name held captive by an uncooperative AH. I'm finally able to start the giant process of changing mine back more than a year and a half after HE asked for a divorce. Yes, HE filed for the divorce, then HE dragged his feet through the process. Shaking my head...
The thing is, other than my name change, I decided to not be bothered by it too much. And, that saved me from a load of anxiety. When people find out how long it took for my divorce, they assume it was an ugly one for that whole time. While I wouldn't call it pretty... I really wasn't working at it for the whole time. That was my attorney's job. She gave me updates if / when anything was happening. And me? Well, I worked on living my life again on my own. I got a job, made a budget, held off on doing a lot of cost-money things other than the most essential until I could get on my feet more. Actually, I was somewhat thankful I wasn't giving my attorney all of my money at once. When we finally had the big push at the end of the divorce process, I was in a much better position to pay for it.
I'm with Dandylion on the whole dating thing. When I left, I was a mess. So confused and didn't trust my judgement on any relationships anymore. I was second guessing everything that my life with AH had been. I could bring nothing but chaos to any new relationship. And, who would want that? Someone just as sick as I was, that's who. Taking time to come to grips with who I am and how i relate to the world individually has been incredibly helpful for me.
I guess what I'm saying is, you can make him irrelevant to your current life without having an immediate divorce. Start by deciding his actions will not influence yours and then take steps to make that possible. I understand that you are concerned about the financial link between the two of you and the effect on your credit. This is something to speak with your attorney about. Isn't there a way to be separated without being divorced in VA? Separation my be a more palatable option for your AH as well since it isn't so final sounding. In my state, divorce is a simple process if a separation agreement had been signed previously.
I know it's frustrating not to feel the closure right away, and you want to get on with your life without him. But, you can get on with your life without him. Don't give him anything but your name to hold hostage. In time, he will give that up too. Patience.
Wishing you peace,
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
I wish I could make your ex sign the papers, however I can't even force my stbxh to sign mine, I filed Oct. 2012. I am sorry, your husband is mentally ill while he is in active addiction, nothing makes sense. I wasted lots of time, money, energy to force my husband legally and nothing has worked. I am working hard on trying to detach and be present in life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: VA
Posts: 29
I really appreciate everyone's kind words. Sometimes I feel my own thoughts just spinning out of control and it always happens after I break the no contact rule and text with AH. Thankfully, I haven't actually seen him since I left. I know that getting all riled up is really my fault. The situation is sadly what it is and me harping on the facts aren't going to change the outcome. If I have to sit for six more months, then I have that is what will be.
I would love to resolve the financial link because my house needs work. That is why I work so hard. It is the only thing that I can productively do. I actually agree about the dating. I know I am an entire caboose full of baggage. I think I get stuck on the fact that my AH has so much control over certain facets of my life. Thank you all for putting it into perspective though. I need to focus on the good and work on my own recovery.
I would love to resolve the financial link because my house needs work. That is why I work so hard. It is the only thing that I can productively do. I actually agree about the dating. I know I am an entire caboose full of baggage. I think I get stuck on the fact that my AH has so much control over certain facets of my life. Thank you all for putting it into perspective though. I need to focus on the good and work on my own recovery.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Any chance to get a legal separation that keeps your assets and debts from here on out separate? I have no idea of the law there---but is there something you can do without his agreement to protect yourself from future liabilities he may incur (DUIs) prior to the divorce?
I must say---getting my maiden name back was priceless! I too had to wait a lot longer than I wanted, but the day did come.
I must say---getting my maiden name back was priceless! I too had to wait a lot longer than I wanted, but the day did come.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Sunshine,
Here is a thought. And you can take it or leave it.
What is marriage?
To me, marriage was an agreement, a contract, that the A I was married to broke when he started cheating on me with a bottle. And broke even more when he abused me. And more when he threatened to kill me and the kids.
What was left after that was nothing. Just government paperwork. I'm not sure how God looks at the US government's and different state's different laws -- whether God really thinks "until the Director of the Department of Administration (or whoever it is) has signed Sunshine's paperwork, she is married to that man in my eyes"?
I'm not wanting to talk you out of your convictions -- but I'm more and more coming to the conclusion that marriage in the government's eyes is just administrative tax-related BS. Marriage in my eyes, and I believe in God's eyes, is something else. That isn't necessarily dependent upon what hoops a particular government requires you to jump through.
Here is a thought. And you can take it or leave it.
What is marriage?
To me, marriage was an agreement, a contract, that the A I was married to broke when he started cheating on me with a bottle. And broke even more when he abused me. And more when he threatened to kill me and the kids.
What was left after that was nothing. Just government paperwork. I'm not sure how God looks at the US government's and different state's different laws -- whether God really thinks "until the Director of the Department of Administration (or whoever it is) has signed Sunshine's paperwork, she is married to that man in my eyes"?
I'm not wanting to talk you out of your convictions -- but I'm more and more coming to the conclusion that marriage in the government's eyes is just administrative tax-related BS. Marriage in my eyes, and I believe in God's eyes, is something else. That isn't necessarily dependent upon what hoops a particular government requires you to jump through.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Sunshine, sometimes what seems to be a setback can be a blessing. That's certainly happened to me multiple times during a looong divorce.
In recovery, I have chosen to face problems by turning them over to God. I doubt I would be here but for despair.
I agree with Fathom about deciding not to be bothered by an A's actions or words (aka letting him live rent-free in your head). That's one way that letting God handle it works for me.
In recovery, I have chosen to face problems by turning them over to God. I doubt I would be here but for despair.
I agree with Fathom about deciding not to be bothered by an A's actions or words (aka letting him live rent-free in your head). That's one way that letting God handle it works for me.
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