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A Long Road Indeed

Old 01-05-2014, 10:01 AM
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A Long Road Indeed

AH told me on Thursday that he was done with step one after being sober for almost three weeks, only for him to tell me yesterday that his sponsor isn't satisfied so he's still in step one. I like that this sponsor guy is putting AH in his place, especially because he has a tendency to think he's greater than he is since he's become an alcoholic. Pre-addiciton hubby was modest and humble, alcoholic hubby is pompous and boastful, aka a d-bag.

AH then went on to tell me that the first week that he unsuccessfully attended AA one man said he would be AH's sponsor and let him skip the first 3 steps. AH said he was happy that he chose the right sponsor.

I'm happy for the wealth of information and support that you guys have provided me with and that I have realistic expectations. I know that if he wants to be the man he endlessly is telling me he is going to be (a good dad and hubby), that his journey is long and truly never ending. I'm really happy that the next time our daughters see him he will be sober and that I've made my boundaries very clear, because my boundaries are also our daughter's boundaries. We will not have a drunk in our lives. It's simply unacceptable.

I also like that I can feel my personality coming back…just in time for my toddler to really settle into the terrible twos.
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Old 01-05-2014, 10:26 AM
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Stung---my biggest laugh of the day is your husband's story about the sponsor who said he could skip the first 3 steps. That is so inplausable that it is almost "cute".

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Old 01-05-2014, 10:40 AM
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yep dandylion. kind of reminds me of the poster who wrote the other day that her husband attended one AA meeting and they told him/sent a report home with him that he wasn't an alcoholic. not very likely!
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Old 01-05-2014, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Stung---my biggest laugh of the day is your husband's story about the sponsor who said he could skip the first 3 steps. That is so inplausable that it is almost "cute".

dandylion
I would caution that he may have actually heard something similar to that. But keep in mind, these things are all filtered through an A mind, even when they are trying to be fully truthful.

Mr. Stung is a (devoutish?) Catholic, right? A simple clear faith can make Steps 1, 2, 3 pretty simple. I have pretty much "walk on water" level faith, so I have absolutely no resistance to Steps 1, 2, 3. My first Alanon sponsor figured that out (and he was Olde Tyme AA and Alanon), and we just started into Step 4.

It did have a Very Bad results in that I tore into Step 4 so hard, the boat rolled over and I did not even know it.

As Mr. Stung has become or is becoming aware -- Turns out the Foundation Work is very important.

As far as Stung's observation:

Pre-addiciton hubby was modest and humble, alcoholic hubby is pompous and boastful, aka a d-bag.
Yep. Pompous, Boastful, Grandiose -- all Leading Indicators (leading indicators tend to lead the event they "indicate" or predict) of Dry Drunk and Relapse.

What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics
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Old 01-05-2014, 10:51 AM
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MissFixit----I remember THAT one, also.....LOL!

In reality, I think these stories---while, as funny as hel*, to us---actually represent the way the alcoholic mind actually rearranges what is actually said to protect their ability to continue drinking. I think it is more of a way for their mind to "make sense" of reality in a way that supports drinking than it is an actual conscious decision to lie to us.

I take this from the articles by Floyd P. Garrett in his excellent explanation of how the alcoholic mind works. Fascinating stuff--but, It helped me to have more empathy for my A's and took a lot of responsibility off my shoulders. Helped me understand and detach a lot easier...is what I am trying to say.

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Old 01-05-2014, 11:07 AM
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dandylion, agreed.

also, detachment, no contact and YEARS away from A craziness help to restore sanity and really see just how nuts and unhealthy all that stuff is/was.

for me i now see A's as having more of a mental illness (i.e. compulsion) than i did years ago. for this i feel badly for them. however, for people who continue to lie and harm others, knowing somewhere inside that what they are doing it wrong/hurtful, i have no compassion anymore. for me there is a line that is drawn between feeling sorry for someone and holding that person accountable for their dishonest behavior. i don't know as i don't have it all worked out yet. maybe never will, but i am much more comfortable now than i was years ago and that is what is important.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:10 AM
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Dandy - you're more experienced and better versed in this A stuff than I. Me? I would have told him, if not for you people, hurry up and get yourself fixed! Take the path of least resistance!

Hammer, yes. His parents are zealots and have fearfully enforced religion into AH and his siblings. His parents refused to attend a party in honor of our oldest daughter because she wasn't baptized. A-holes. He's religious and firmly believes in God...but maybe for the wrong reasons.

Personally, I don't have a clear understanding of how sponsors work or really AA in general, so its entirely possible to me that someone could have said that to him. Honestly, I don't think he has a better understanding of the system more than I do (I sometimes feel like i know more than he does. He thinks steps 4&5 are about making amends. pretty sure its step 9, right?) He's currently attending therapy twice a week and doing reading assignments and practicing tools that his therapist is assigning as well. His sponsor is a dentist and the board if dentistry mandated that he attend therapy with a specific aggressive addiction therapist in order to keep practicing dentistry. AH's sponsor said that if AH wants him as his sponsor then he needs to undergo the same therapy.

But, none of that matters to me. The proof will be in the pudding, as LilAmy has said. If he's successful he won't stink like booze and I'll have to stop hanging up on him as frequently as I do now.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:22 AM
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MisFixit---I think I understand what you are saying. Hel*, I couldn't take the lies and the hurtful things--still can't--never will be able to, I am sure. That is why I have had to put so much d i s t a n c e between me and them. I can only ever deal again unless they were to come into GENUINE recovery. I completely agree with you that we have to hold people accountable for their dishonest behavior.

Kind of what Hammer says: detach=distance=out of firing range.....LOL

MsFixIt,,,I think we are really on the same wave length...

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Old 01-05-2014, 11:23 AM
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stung,

when i was first dealing with a newly(?) diagnosed alcoholic, i felt the same way you described. i wanted him fixed and the fastest way possible. rehab? okay go, do as you're told and come back and be healthy. unfortunately addiction (and many other things in life) don't work like that. wish they did. things would be neater and more efficient.

you know one benefit that most of us further out have experienced is that the therapy and alanon stuff helps us in other areas of our lives and with other relationships too. i am less bossy and controlling of situations with others. let others do/say what they want without me arguing with them. i walk away from pretty much all drama/negativity. let things go easier in a live and let live way. one odd effect of that is that the people who are unhealthy get raging mad that i don't argue/engage anymore. i walk away from the rages too.

you might find that you will be be grateful (years further out) that you went through some of this.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:32 AM
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Stung---yes, the proof is always in the pudding, isn't it? This brings a smile to my face in remembering my dear grandma--as I was raised at her knee---she had a wise saying for just about everything in life....I must have heard that phrase "the proof is in the pudding" about a gazillion times.....

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Old 01-05-2014, 11:35 AM
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Stung, I'd like to suggest you get a copy of the Big Book and read it. I think it may help you.
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