I told his family.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
I told his family.....
Hi everyone,,,,, I am a very infrequent poster. My AH and I have been married 14 years and he was an alcoholic well before we met... And I knew it. His family paid over 30,000$ for him to go to inpatient in November of 2011.... He relapsed a few months later and I have been super ashamed and have not told them, things are out of control again and I broke down tonight and sent them this email. He, of course, is drunk and furious-he knows bc his well meaning mom went over to "talk" to him after she got my email. My DD and I are not home at the moment- another reason for him to be mad of course. Our DD is almost 10, adopted 9 years ago from china, pretty heavy anxiety disorder and obsessive thought disorder.... A fabulous, brilliant kid who knows what's happening, and is devastated. Scared to death we will get a divorce bc she does not want to be with him when he drinks.
Here is the email I sent.... Just looking for ESH and hugs, I guess........
Hi everyone....
I need you to know what is happening because I cannot "know" it by myself anymore.
Xxxx's drinking is way out of control once again. His depression is severe, and he drinks almost every day. As I write this, he is so drunk that he had to be driven home from the bar he goes to almost every day, because he was picking a fight with another customer. He is stumbling around the house, and I had to have one of my friends come get XX because she was so upset seeing him like that and because he is unpredictable when he is this drunk. He has not ever hurt us, but he can be mean to me verbally and say things and then forget he said them and say them again and again.
XX understands as much as she can and is very very angry. He knows how she feels, as she has told him herself and her therapist has discussed it with him. She has been talking to her therapist about it, and we talk openly about it - she and I.
He told XX's therapist that he does not want to quit drinking, but that he knows he has to do something because he can see he is losing her. XX is furious with him when he drinks, and I don't blame her.
He relapsed in about April of 2012 - and I have been so ashamed that I never talk about it to any of you because you have invested so much financially and emotionally in us and in him, and we failed. I know it is not my fault but it is so embarrassing.... I hate it.
I really do not know what to do at this point. XX and I cannot keep living like this, but I can't wrap my head around trying to have 2 households. XX has said that she does not want us to separate because she is afraid to be alone with him in case he drinks, and because even when he is sober, they are so uncomfortable together.
I feel really and truly trapped, and terribly guilty for bringing a child into our home, knowing her dad was an alcoholic. I just wanted to be a mom.
I am not sure what my goal is in telling you guys this. I just know I cannot be isolated any more. I'm not asking for anything except maybe support. I love you all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is the email I sent.... Just looking for ESH and hugs, I guess........
Hi everyone....
I need you to know what is happening because I cannot "know" it by myself anymore.
Xxxx's drinking is way out of control once again. His depression is severe, and he drinks almost every day. As I write this, he is so drunk that he had to be driven home from the bar he goes to almost every day, because he was picking a fight with another customer. He is stumbling around the house, and I had to have one of my friends come get XX because she was so upset seeing him like that and because he is unpredictable when he is this drunk. He has not ever hurt us, but he can be mean to me verbally and say things and then forget he said them and say them again and again.
XX understands as much as she can and is very very angry. He knows how she feels, as she has told him herself and her therapist has discussed it with him. She has been talking to her therapist about it, and we talk openly about it - she and I.
He told XX's therapist that he does not want to quit drinking, but that he knows he has to do something because he can see he is losing her. XX is furious with him when he drinks, and I don't blame her.
He relapsed in about April of 2012 - and I have been so ashamed that I never talk about it to any of you because you have invested so much financially and emotionally in us and in him, and we failed. I know it is not my fault but it is so embarrassing.... I hate it.
I really do not know what to do at this point. XX and I cannot keep living like this, but I can't wrap my head around trying to have 2 households. XX has said that she does not want us to separate because she is afraid to be alone with him in case he drinks, and because even when he is sober, they are so uncomfortable together.
I feel really and truly trapped, and terribly guilty for bringing a child into our home, knowing her dad was an alcoholic. I just wanted to be a mom.
I am not sure what my goal is in telling you guys this. I just know I cannot be isolated any more. I'm not asking for anything except maybe support. I love you all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Wow Ellvk, sounds so messy. I'm sorry.
Here's one thing that took me a while to understand:
My kids didn't want me and the X to separate either. They wanted what was familiar and known, even though what they knew was listening to verbal abuse (from X toward me), walking on eggshells and basically drunken domestic violence.
I decided, as I was the adult and they were the children, that the kids would have to TRUST me when I made their father leave. They were very upset and angry at first. Very.
My kids do visit with their father every 2nd weekend. However, my kids are a tad older than your daughter and they are boys who train in martial arts and both are now taller than their father. They are now big enough and "bad enough" to stand up to their father if they had to. I do send them off to his place with a fully charged, fully loaded with credit mobile phone. The phone has the number for the cops and a silver service taxi cab number programmed into it so they know they have a couple of other options if they can't get hold of me.
Your daughter sounds a lot like my youngest - very intelligent, hyper aware and prone to anxiety. For my youngest though having his father gone from our home though benefits us all. We get to go to sleep at normal times and we are not woken up by drunken ranting or loud blaring music and "singing". We get to eat at normal times! That is bloody brilliant. X used to volunteer to cook for us and it was always a drunken disaster - he would start cooking, stop to drink a few and smoke a few (cigarettes and bongs of pot), make a few calls then get back to cooking. Sometimes we wouldn't get our dinner until 11pm and by then it was a burned mess - I used to toss mine in the trash or to the dog when he wasn't looking. It was NUTS!
Anyway, if you make the decision that what is best for you and your daughter to be apart from him, know that it can work out. I was terrified. I felt ashamed. My kids felt embarrassed. I had put on such a good "show" for the outside world that most people thought we were a perfect little family - some of those people I no longer class as friends. They didn't believe me when I told them of the abuse and the agony the kids and I had gone through. It sucks, but it is what it is.
My kids are calmer, they get more sleep, they appear to feel more free. We talk about things without having to censor ourselves lest it make Daddy mad. The kids no longer do that scary sideways eye-roll thing at me to warn me that we should shut up as Dad is listening and he will be MAD with us.
No advice I hope, just my experience.
Keep posting, it helps to type it all out sometimes. And remember you don't have to make any decisions NOW.
My favourite thing I've learned from SR is: Don't just do something, sit there.
Here's one thing that took me a while to understand:
My kids didn't want me and the X to separate either. They wanted what was familiar and known, even though what they knew was listening to verbal abuse (from X toward me), walking on eggshells and basically drunken domestic violence.
I decided, as I was the adult and they were the children, that the kids would have to TRUST me when I made their father leave. They were very upset and angry at first. Very.
My kids do visit with their father every 2nd weekend. However, my kids are a tad older than your daughter and they are boys who train in martial arts and both are now taller than their father. They are now big enough and "bad enough" to stand up to their father if they had to. I do send them off to his place with a fully charged, fully loaded with credit mobile phone. The phone has the number for the cops and a silver service taxi cab number programmed into it so they know they have a couple of other options if they can't get hold of me.
Your daughter sounds a lot like my youngest - very intelligent, hyper aware and prone to anxiety. For my youngest though having his father gone from our home though benefits us all. We get to go to sleep at normal times and we are not woken up by drunken ranting or loud blaring music and "singing". We get to eat at normal times! That is bloody brilliant. X used to volunteer to cook for us and it was always a drunken disaster - he would start cooking, stop to drink a few and smoke a few (cigarettes and bongs of pot), make a few calls then get back to cooking. Sometimes we wouldn't get our dinner until 11pm and by then it was a burned mess - I used to toss mine in the trash or to the dog when he wasn't looking. It was NUTS!
Anyway, if you make the decision that what is best for you and your daughter to be apart from him, know that it can work out. I was terrified. I felt ashamed. My kids felt embarrassed. I had put on such a good "show" for the outside world that most people thought we were a perfect little family - some of those people I no longer class as friends. They didn't believe me when I told them of the abuse and the agony the kids and I had gone through. It sucks, but it is what it is.
My kids are calmer, they get more sleep, they appear to feel more free. We talk about things without having to censor ourselves lest it make Daddy mad. The kids no longer do that scary sideways eye-roll thing at me to warn me that we should shut up as Dad is listening and he will be MAD with us.
No advice I hope, just my experience.
Keep posting, it helps to type it all out sometimes. And remember you don't have to make any decisions NOW.
My favourite thing I've learned from SR is: Don't just do something, sit there.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Oh sweetie...
Ive been there. Still am . Its hard detaching from the shame that is the alcoholics ....and it is HIS shame. Not yours. Its good to not isolate yourself and talk to someone. Its too much of a burden to keep that to yourself. Dont expect support from his family though...I dont know how they are but my ahs family took time to be supportive. Thats my experience though..
I want to point out about your dd from china who is adopted. I have a adopted sister from china I think its wonderful yall went that route but thats w.e....divorce..addiction its hard on children .
If she sees you holding strong and getting support she will to.
Good luck
Ive been there. Still am . Its hard detaching from the shame that is the alcoholics ....and it is HIS shame. Not yours. Its good to not isolate yourself and talk to someone. Its too much of a burden to keep that to yourself. Dont expect support from his family though...I dont know how they are but my ahs family took time to be supportive. Thats my experience though..
I want to point out about your dd from china who is adopted. I have a adopted sister from china I think its wonderful yall went that route but thats w.e....divorce..addiction its hard on children .
If she sees you holding strong and getting support she will to.
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Thank you....
Luckily our families are very supportive... His mom went to our house to talk to him last night while he was very drunk and he was super angry that I told her about everything. She really struggles with what to do and say to FIX it. She tried Alanon while he was in treatment but free frustrated when there was no advice on how to handle him and what to say to him.
Not looking forward to seeing what kind of mood he's in today.... Can easily stay away, but it makes me mad that we should have to.
xo
L.
Luckily our families are very supportive... His mom went to our house to talk to him last night while he was very drunk and he was super angry that I told her about everything. She really struggles with what to do and say to FIX it. She tried Alanon while he was in treatment but free frustrated when there was no advice on how to handle him and what to say to him.
Not looking forward to seeing what kind of mood he's in today.... Can easily stay away, but it makes me mad that we should have to.
xo
L.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Ellvyk,
I am so sorry you are going through this but your husband is being honest and showing you and your daughter who he is and he admits that he does not want to stop drinking and unless he wants it himself there is zero hope for abstinence or recovery.
I have been where you are with children and an unsafe addict for a father and admittedly it was a struggle 20 years ago but today there are technological devices that can help you develop a new way to cope with a drinking parent. I set a boundary that my children would not be with their dad if he were using and I attempted to monitor that and their safety the entire time we were divorced. He was a very part time dad so it wasn't as big a problem as others may have had with a more frequent visitation schedule.
There are now handheld gps breathalyzers that take a photo of the A and require frequent and even random testing for intoxication. It can help A's that wish to be encouraged in their sobriety or be a tool for a parent to use to insure that her children are safe with the other parent with an alcohol issue. It can be voluntary or court ordered if you end up in a court situation at some point.
In my journey out of my own codependency I eventually learned to set a no alcohol boundary for my own life and when my A relapsed I would immediately separate from him. He was a sneak drinker and these devices were not available or I can assure you I would have made him carry one... I was the ULTIMATE Control Freak! LOL! But I was always snooping, searching, checking up on him so he never got away with drinking for long before I busted him.
A completely unhealthy way to live and I do not recommend but legitimately you have to protect your child from being in the control of a drinking alcoholic and today you can do that easily and the courts will support this effort. It is new but it is POWERFUL!
Lastly, what I learned for myself is that it didn't help to hope and wish for the miracle but the miracle came for my XA when I let him go to struggle on his own and find his own way out. It took 2 full years for him to learn to hate drinking and what it did to him... he did this careening drunk through 6 states, two jail stints and homelessness. I didn't rescue... no one did. He rescued himself. After 6 or 7 rehabs, many detoxes, over a dozen incarcerations, two divorces, losing me he still drank.
He quit when he wanted to and not before. Talk is cheap. Promises are given but recovery is authentic when they are willing to do whatever it takes. Our recovery starts to happen when we detach and focus on us and especially our kids that are so hurt by alcoholism.
So...you told his parents and the secret is out. Keep it in the light. Keep your little girl in the light. Let her know that everything will be OK and you will protect her and take care of her no matter what. And take care of you my dear friend and let him find his own way out when he is ready to look for it!
I am so sorry you are going through this but your husband is being honest and showing you and your daughter who he is and he admits that he does not want to stop drinking and unless he wants it himself there is zero hope for abstinence or recovery.
I have been where you are with children and an unsafe addict for a father and admittedly it was a struggle 20 years ago but today there are technological devices that can help you develop a new way to cope with a drinking parent. I set a boundary that my children would not be with their dad if he were using and I attempted to monitor that and their safety the entire time we were divorced. He was a very part time dad so it wasn't as big a problem as others may have had with a more frequent visitation schedule.
There are now handheld gps breathalyzers that take a photo of the A and require frequent and even random testing for intoxication. It can help A's that wish to be encouraged in their sobriety or be a tool for a parent to use to insure that her children are safe with the other parent with an alcohol issue. It can be voluntary or court ordered if you end up in a court situation at some point.
In my journey out of my own codependency I eventually learned to set a no alcohol boundary for my own life and when my A relapsed I would immediately separate from him. He was a sneak drinker and these devices were not available or I can assure you I would have made him carry one... I was the ULTIMATE Control Freak! LOL! But I was always snooping, searching, checking up on him so he never got away with drinking for long before I busted him.
A completely unhealthy way to live and I do not recommend but legitimately you have to protect your child from being in the control of a drinking alcoholic and today you can do that easily and the courts will support this effort. It is new but it is POWERFUL!
Lastly, what I learned for myself is that it didn't help to hope and wish for the miracle but the miracle came for my XA when I let him go to struggle on his own and find his own way out. It took 2 full years for him to learn to hate drinking and what it did to him... he did this careening drunk through 6 states, two jail stints and homelessness. I didn't rescue... no one did. He rescued himself. After 6 or 7 rehabs, many detoxes, over a dozen incarcerations, two divorces, losing me he still drank.
He quit when he wanted to and not before. Talk is cheap. Promises are given but recovery is authentic when they are willing to do whatever it takes. Our recovery starts to happen when we detach and focus on us and especially our kids that are so hurt by alcoholism.
So...you told his parents and the secret is out. Keep it in the light. Keep your little girl in the light. Let her know that everything will be OK and you will protect her and take care of her no matter what. And take care of you my dear friend and let him find his own way out when he is ready to look for it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Thank you Hopeworks....
I am home now and we are talking rationally (ish). He's in a very bad place. I know I don't have the resources to separate today, though we have tons of support and places to go..... But to actually separate with 2 residences.... No. But it's time to get our ducks in a row. My daughter is hurting. I know she'll hurt either way, but I need her to have peace.
xo
L.
I am home now and we are talking rationally (ish). He's in a very bad place. I know I don't have the resources to separate today, though we have tons of support and places to go..... But to actually separate with 2 residences.... No. But it's time to get our ducks in a row. My daughter is hurting. I know she'll hurt either way, but I need her to have peace.
xo
L.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Ellvk, just a quiet word whispered, and only because I tried so hard to get both AXH and myself set up before I left. I waited until I had enough funds to get my apartment signed and utilities set up and take care of his place for a bit. I paid his rent, paid his heating, stocked the fridge. And saved for the massive deposits for both the apartment and utilities, which I'd had to pay because we were constantly behind on rent and payments, since AXH drank and used our paychecks away. I did this because he is DS's dad. It was, in my mind, for DS... But it was for me as well. It lessened my guilt in leaving this guy that I had loved and for not being able to help him...
The thing is, I really only needed to take care of DS and myself. I only needed to worry about ONE household. AXH is an adult. He should have been able to figure out how to make rent and utility payments. If I could scrape together enough to downsize DS and I into a one bedroom apartment, feed and clothe us; AXH could, too. If it meant he needed to downsize as well, that's on him to figure out.
Your financial picture may not be the same, you may not be considering trying to help with you AH's roof, IDK. When it comes right down to it, you just need to worry about one household: the one for you and your DD, not about maintaining two.
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
(((hugs)))
The thing is, I really only needed to take care of DS and myself. I only needed to worry about ONE household. AXH is an adult. He should have been able to figure out how to make rent and utility payments. If I could scrape together enough to downsize DS and I into a one bedroom apartment, feed and clothe us; AXH could, too. If it meant he needed to downsize as well, that's on him to figure out.
Your financial picture may not be the same, you may not be considering trying to help with you AH's roof, IDK. When it comes right down to it, you just need to worry about one household: the one for you and your DD, not about maintaining two.
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
I also adopted a beautiful innocent child, who is now 3 1/2. I carry a lot of guilt, but am coming to realize that no one can predict how strong the addiction can be. I never in my wildest nightmares guessed that my stbxh had the capability to stoop as low as he has. Addiction is a progressive disease if left untreated. I always hoped he would treat it, but he still has yet to find recovery and is still very resistnet to treatment, he still knows better than all the doctors, lawyers, etc. Personally, I believe the shame and guilt fees the addictive cycle. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it sounds like you have been doing your best.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Ellvk 
Thank you Hopeworks....
I am home now and we are talking rationally (ish). He's in a very bad place. I know I don't have the resources to separate today, though we have tons of support and places to go..... But to actually separate with 2 residences.... No. But it's time to get our ducks in a row. My daughter is hurting. I know she'll hurt either way, but I need her to have peace.
xo
L.
I am home now and we are talking rationally (ish). He's in a very bad place. I know I don't have the resources to separate today, though we have tons of support and places to go..... But to actually separate with 2 residences.... No. But it's time to get our ducks in a row. My daughter is hurting. I know she'll hurt either way, but I need her to have peace.
xo
L.
Could he stay with his parents for awhile or another friend or family member? A period of time to just have peace and quiet and be absent from the drinking could be very healing.
Expensive treatment programs are really just sober geography (I put my XA in several) and the tools for recovery are not hard to find for free for those who want to find their way out of addiction. Maybe a halfway house if he has any desire to quit (it sounds like he doesn't right now making it all the more difficult for you). Some sober living places are fairly cheap and could be a possible solution.
It is a lot better for kids if the drinking parent finds new digs if they are going to continue to drink and creating a no drinking boundary can work...it did for me but I became psycho babe armed and dangerous if you drank around me (not recommended but it was effective
at getting him to exit quickly once I found bottles. I would launch them at his head (yes I was certified codie crazy at the end of our relationship and he even left the state to evade my wrath.Again, waiting until one is completely nuts is not good. Waiting until one is completely miserable and broken is not good either. Waiting until we are ready to make a change is good if we are pursuing our own recovery and getting stronger as we go. It is a journey that is one step, one day at time.
And that sounds like this is what you are doing... thinking it through, shining a light in the darkness, involving those who love him and care about him, helping his child understand that she is not the cause and that no matter what she will be loved and protected... all good things.
Take care of you... don't put yourself under pressure and time tells all and the answers will come...and with them peace and the tranquility you need to be truly happy in life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
You guys are amazing.... It's been so lonely. I feel on one hand like I am so detached... To the point where I can't even remember the love we once had and I don't worry about where he is or what he's doing. If I wake at 2am and he's not home, I fall right back to sleep- when I in the past would have flipped out. Detached with love? Not so much. But seeing my child struggle and not be able to talk about it outside Alanon and her therapist? I can't do it anymore. I am holding us all together as hard as I can and we are falling apart anyway.
Love to all,
xo
L.
Love to all,
xo
L.
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