What and Where do I go from here?!?!?!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: United States
Posts: 39
What and Where do I go from here?!?!?!
While recovering my A is staying at his sisters house in Denver. Due to her husbands job his sister and her husband are in Denver during the week. Last week my A was left home alone (51 days sober) and did wonderful. He did great all week to. I was kind of depressed with my work load and school becuase I felt I was here cleaning up our mess while he did nothing but golf, lay out and go to meetings. He knew I was upset. I talked him several times about it calmly and I thought everything was okay. I'm not saying my sadness and conversations brought him to drink this weekend but I feel as if it is my fault that he got drunk today. Last night he told me he knew this week was going to be hard to get through alone (sign # 1). So I told him to call a friend and have them stay with you. He couldn't do that because that would show weakness! Now all day today I have been trying to get a hold of him but he would not answer his phone (sign # 2), he ALWAYS answers his phone unless he's drunk. I tried to fool myself and think maybe he's at a meeting but when I finally talked to him 30 minutes ago he would only say yes, no, love you (sign # 3), then not five minutes after I hung up with my A his siter calls saying Sunsine, I think A is drunk...PROOF!! I'm not the only one that feels this way!!
What do I do? What do we do? I called the inpatient facility he was in for 30 days to talk to his counsler but they do not work on Sundays. I do not have ANY of his sober friends phone #'s and his siter and her husband CAN NOT make it out to Denver for at least 6 more days!
Then there's me...do I want to continue this life style? Am I being selfish thinking this way? Do I leave and dessert him and his family? I'm so new that I don't know what to do. Help!! I know no one can tell me what to do but I SO need guidness right now!!! I'm so hurt!
Oh my heck, I just remebered it's Fathers Day...he has a son that he nevers sees or talks to (his choice). The always does this on special days like this. I know that's not an excuse but it makes sence!!!! Sorry for rambling but you know what I'm going through right now.
Last night my A told me over the phone (he's in another state)
What do I do? What do we do? I called the inpatient facility he was in for 30 days to talk to his counsler but they do not work on Sundays. I do not have ANY of his sober friends phone #'s and his siter and her husband CAN NOT make it out to Denver for at least 6 more days!
Then there's me...do I want to continue this life style? Am I being selfish thinking this way? Do I leave and dessert him and his family? I'm so new that I don't know what to do. Help!! I know no one can tell me what to do but I SO need guidness right now!!! I'm so hurt!
Oh my heck, I just remebered it's Fathers Day...he has a son that he nevers sees or talks to (his choice). The always does this on special days like this. I know that's not an excuse but it makes sence!!!! Sorry for rambling but you know what I'm going through right now.
Last night my A told me over the phone (he's in another state)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Sunshine.
If the A in your life has decided it's time for a drink, there is nothing you can do about it. Not long distance. Not if you were in the next room. Maybe if you, his sister and her husband were sitting on him together.
His recovery is HIS journey. There is nothing to DO, except what you do for yourself. Go through Ann's Excuse Eliminator and find something to help you get your mind off of his problem. Worrying about his actions is a habit. Habits can be broken. Only you can decide if you are comfortable with him in YOUR recovery.
Hugs,
Smoke
If the A in your life has decided it's time for a drink, there is nothing you can do about it. Not long distance. Not if you were in the next room. Maybe if you, his sister and her husband were sitting on him together.
His recovery is HIS journey. There is nothing to DO, except what you do for yourself. Go through Ann's Excuse Eliminator and find something to help you get your mind off of his problem. Worrying about his actions is a habit. Habits can be broken. Only you can decide if you are comfortable with him in YOUR recovery.
Hugs,
Smoke
Guest
Posts: n/a
Sunshine,
You don't have to make a decision today. You are feeling powerless right now because there is nothing you can do about your A's drinking. He can't always have someone sit with him 24 hours a day to keep him sober. It has to be his choice and he has to want to quit on his own. It is not your fault that he drank.
It's sounds like you are taking care of yourself and could leave him if you want to. Your reasons for staying with him need to be your reasons. Staying because of his family or to take care of him are not your reasons. Those are codependent caretaker reasons.
The only question is, what do you want for you? Staying with him hoping that he'll one day become sober means living with things the way they are. All we have is today. If you are holding on hoping for change, then you are missing today. Can you make your todays ok and still stay with your A? Can you make your todays ok if you leave your A?
These are your choices. If he should become sober and stay that way, that's great. You can't base your decisions on that hope. Years will pass you by waiting. Maybe you could set a comfortable time limit on how long you are willing to deal with this. In the mean time, make a plan to leave so you can when and if you want to.
I know you are disappointed,
Hugs,
MG
P.S. This is easier said than done. Acceptance is the first step though. I'm still struggling through this myself.
You don't have to make a decision today. You are feeling powerless right now because there is nothing you can do about your A's drinking. He can't always have someone sit with him 24 hours a day to keep him sober. It has to be his choice and he has to want to quit on his own. It is not your fault that he drank.
It's sounds like you are taking care of yourself and could leave him if you want to. Your reasons for staying with him need to be your reasons. Staying because of his family or to take care of him are not your reasons. Those are codependent caretaker reasons.
The only question is, what do you want for you? Staying with him hoping that he'll one day become sober means living with things the way they are. All we have is today. If you are holding on hoping for change, then you are missing today. Can you make your todays ok and still stay with your A? Can you make your todays ok if you leave your A?
These are your choices. If he should become sober and stay that way, that's great. You can't base your decisions on that hope. Years will pass you by waiting. Maybe you could set a comfortable time limit on how long you are willing to deal with this. In the mean time, make a plan to leave so you can when and if you want to.
I know you are disappointed,
Hugs,
MG
P.S. This is easier said than done. Acceptance is the first step though. I'm still struggling through this myself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Sunshine
I know you are hurting and disappointed (again) right now, but what Smoke and MG said are true. There is NOTHING you can do to make him sober, even if he was three feet away from you. You have to leave him to figure out what to do himself. He know the drill if he wants to get sober, who to call, where to go. Trust that.
But you do have to look after you right now. And it is okay to feel the pain and be disappointed, but your health won't allow you to do that for long. Have a good cry, blow your nose, and do something that is healthy for you. Anything to occupy your time and your mind with good stuff.
I am pulling my "Excuse Evaporator" to the top and you just pick one thing and start with that.
I have learned, so many many times, that staying in the pain only makes it worse. Move into the light and then think when your head is clearer.
I know you are hurting and disappointed (again) right now, but what Smoke and MG said are true. There is NOTHING you can do to make him sober, even if he was three feet away from you. You have to leave him to figure out what to do himself. He know the drill if he wants to get sober, who to call, where to go. Trust that.
But you do have to look after you right now. And it is okay to feel the pain and be disappointed, but your health won't allow you to do that for long. Have a good cry, blow your nose, and do something that is healthy for you. Anything to occupy your time and your mind with good stuff.
I am pulling my "Excuse Evaporator" to the top and you just pick one thing and start with that.
I have learned, so many many times, that staying in the pain only makes it worse. Move into the light and then think when your head is clearer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
Seeing I live very close to Denver - I can tell you there are plenty of things he can do... (and no I will not go looking for him 
) There are TONS of meetings here - and good ones - there are facilities that are open 24 hours that he could go to and ultimately NO ONE should be rushing to his defense..... he chose to drink - he knows what to do to take care of himself and he chose nto to do it.... end of story... he must bnow deal with the consequences of his actions.... you have nothing to with those decisions....
now on the other hand - what you do have to think about it what is it that you want out of life??? those are the things that you need to be focusing on..... as I have said many many times before - STEP AWAY FROM THE ADDICT'S RECOVERY!!!!! hands in the air, back away slowly and face the skillet.....SMACK!!!!! I am not goingto retype everything - I will just redirect you to go over the the naranon board and read what I said to Krazeegirl.... it applies here.....
STEP AWAY FROM THE ADDICT.......repeat again STEP AWAY FROM THE ADDICT.....
) There are TONS of meetings here - and good ones - there are facilities that are open 24 hours that he could go to and ultimately NO ONE should be rushing to his defense..... he chose to drink - he knows what to do to take care of himself and he chose nto to do it.... end of story... he must bnow deal with the consequences of his actions.... you have nothing to with those decisions....now on the other hand - what you do have to think about it what is it that you want out of life??? those are the things that you need to be focusing on..... as I have said many many times before - STEP AWAY FROM THE ADDICT'S RECOVERY!!!!! hands in the air, back away slowly and face the skillet.....SMACK!!!!! I am not goingto retype everything - I will just redirect you to go over the the naranon board and read what I said to Krazeegirl.... it applies here.....
STEP AWAY FROM THE ADDICT.......repeat again STEP AWAY FROM THE ADDICT.....
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Hi Sunshine,
Everything that was said here is true. I know oh so well about staying in the pain just keeps you there. Even though my A and I have been separated since Oct. 00', I've been waiting for him to realize that me and our children are more important than drinking. I haven't been wasting my Today's - exactly, I've still been doing things just for me but alot of wasted energy, pain, tears, and resentment.
There isn't anything you can do to stop him from drinking. If he really wanted it bad enough - he knows where and how to find it help. I know it's hard but you have to concentrate on YOU right now.
YOU didn't cause it, YOU can't change it, YOU can't cure it!!!!!!!!!
((((( Sunshine ))))))) I thought you might need a hug. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love,
Galnva
Everything that was said here is true. I know oh so well about staying in the pain just keeps you there. Even though my A and I have been separated since Oct. 00', I've been waiting for him to realize that me and our children are more important than drinking. I haven't been wasting my Today's - exactly, I've still been doing things just for me but alot of wasted energy, pain, tears, and resentment.
There isn't anything you can do to stop him from drinking. If he really wanted it bad enough - he knows where and how to find it help. I know it's hard but you have to concentrate on YOU right now.
YOU didn't cause it, YOU can't change it, YOU can't cure it!!!!!!!!!
((((( Sunshine ))))))) I thought you might need a hug. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love,
Galnva
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