Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 12
Hello
Hi, this is my introductory post on SR. I started becoming familiar with the SR forums about a year ago by reading anonymously every so often. I got here initially looking for guidance in my almost 3 year relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend. I read a lot and went to Al-Anon meetings because I was extremely naive about alcoholism and addiction. In hindsight, I feel really guilty that my participation in my own treatment by going to Al-Anon tapered off as soon as my boyfriend stopped drinking for 4 months. As soon as he started resembling the man I fell in love with, I thought a lot of rose-colored things that were clearly wrong, which was mostly my lack of earnest self-evaluation, acceptance and ownership. I didn’t get it.
My boyfriend is extraordinarily functional on the surface. He’s also the first alcoholic I’ve known. I’m assuming I could expand on various experiences in our relationship from my perspective forever and it would likely reflect a similar dynamic to many of the love relationships with alcoholics.
I’m here today because I do not like or recognize the woman I’ve become and am committed to growing in to the healthy person I want to be, regardless of whether we stay together. I have been reading Co-Dependency No More and the workbook every day, in addition to doing research online and reading the SR forums. I will go to al-anon meetings consistently and frequently… But I’m feeling inundated considering the amount of information I’ve taken in so far and how much more there is — Not for the work I’m doing on myself, but for the best interests of my boyfriend and his journey. I’m now very aware of steering myself away from obvious enabling behaviors, but I’m sure there are more subtle ones I don’t understand yet. He has been an overt nightmare at times.. He's sick, like your loved ones, and while I'm focusing on getting myself well, the last thing I'd want is to somehow participate in any way in helping him stay sick. I've heard and read the advice "learn as much as you can about this disease" -- and assure you I am... But if anyone has any pointers specifically, more in depth/ subtle enabling behaviors or information you feel I should put at the top of my reading list, I'd be really grateful.
Thank you
My boyfriend is extraordinarily functional on the surface. He’s also the first alcoholic I’ve known. I’m assuming I could expand on various experiences in our relationship from my perspective forever and it would likely reflect a similar dynamic to many of the love relationships with alcoholics.
I’m here today because I do not like or recognize the woman I’ve become and am committed to growing in to the healthy person I want to be, regardless of whether we stay together. I have been reading Co-Dependency No More and the workbook every day, in addition to doing research online and reading the SR forums. I will go to al-anon meetings consistently and frequently… But I’m feeling inundated considering the amount of information I’ve taken in so far and how much more there is — Not for the work I’m doing on myself, but for the best interests of my boyfriend and his journey. I’m now very aware of steering myself away from obvious enabling behaviors, but I’m sure there are more subtle ones I don’t understand yet. He has been an overt nightmare at times.. He's sick, like your loved ones, and while I'm focusing on getting myself well, the last thing I'd want is to somehow participate in any way in helping him stay sick. I've heard and read the advice "learn as much as you can about this disease" -- and assure you I am... But if anyone has any pointers specifically, more in depth/ subtle enabling behaviors or information you feel I should put at the top of my reading list, I'd be really grateful.
Thank you
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will continue to share your thoughts as often as needed. We are here to support you.
You asked about subtle forms of enabling. One that comes to mind: making excuses for the alcoholic. Such as telling your friends: "We couldn't make it to the bbq because My Boyfriend worked late last night, and he was too tired."
Those are lies by omission. The truth in my situation may have been AXH working late, BUT after he got home he spent the next 4 hours getting drunk.
These statements make life easier for the alcoholic. No consequences for getting drunk. We make it okay.
Here is a link from one of our sticky posts at the top of this page. This link contains information about enabling:
Enabling - When Helping an Alcoholic or Addict Really Isn't Helping
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will continue to share your thoughts as often as needed. We are here to support you.
You asked about subtle forms of enabling. One that comes to mind: making excuses for the alcoholic. Such as telling your friends: "We couldn't make it to the bbq because My Boyfriend worked late last night, and he was too tired."
Those are lies by omission. The truth in my situation may have been AXH working late, BUT after he got home he spent the next 4 hours getting drunk.
These statements make life easier for the alcoholic. No consequences for getting drunk. We make it okay.
Here is a link from one of our sticky posts at the top of this page. This link contains information about enabling:
Enabling - When Helping an Alcoholic or Addict Really Isn't Helping
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
information you feel I should put at the top of my reading list, I'd be really grateful.
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My Step Sponsor has me doing it in detail.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 12
Thank you, Hammer and Pelican.
I feel fortunate to have Sober Recovery as an additional sanctuary to visit..
Whatever I'm feeling these days reminds me of the juxtaposition between the level of exhaustion after having a baby, yet also needing to be as 'on your game' as possible..?
I feel so drained from my relationship and the heartache of watching the person I love rotting -- only to wake up and realize 'OH, there's something completely wrong with the way I've understood relationships AND my sense of self. I'd better get to work on re-building my core values or I'll be here forever!'
Blah. ...Anyway, thanks again..
I feel fortunate to have Sober Recovery as an additional sanctuary to visit..
Whatever I'm feeling these days reminds me of the juxtaposition between the level of exhaustion after having a baby, yet also needing to be as 'on your game' as possible..?
I feel so drained from my relationship and the heartache of watching the person I love rotting -- only to wake up and realize 'OH, there's something completely wrong with the way I've understood relationships AND my sense of self. I'd better get to work on re-building my core values or I'll be here forever!'
Blah. ...Anyway, thanks again..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Hi Orca
I'm not sure if you came up with your name after the Blackfish doc, but I like your name!
From your post I'm getting that you're really looking for something to detach yourself from the situation. Having a relationship with someone who is sick from addiction can be draining, and can rob you of your vitality and interests.
For me I really learned a lot from reading books about Buddhism and detachment. I never read Codependent No More, because I'm more of a spiritual person. But the basic concepts of that book sound very similar to what I've studied about detachment in relation to Buddhism and Brahma Kumaris (another faith system).
For me, reading, prayer and meditation really helped me to detach myself while at the same time keeping an open heart. Detachment is not about cutting off love from someone, detachment is about having peace and happiness on your own so that you don't depend on any outside situation or person to provide it to you.
When I think of detachment I think of someone walking through a storm unaffected.
Finding balance in my own life has helped me immensely. I have been through a lot in my life and surviving it is something I owe to my spiritual path.
No one can tell you what to do, or what path to take. Once you find that peace within yourself, all other decisions in your life will come naturally to you.
Best,
C
I'm not sure if you came up with your name after the Blackfish doc, but I like your name!
From your post I'm getting that you're really looking for something to detach yourself from the situation. Having a relationship with someone who is sick from addiction can be draining, and can rob you of your vitality and interests.
For me I really learned a lot from reading books about Buddhism and detachment. I never read Codependent No More, because I'm more of a spiritual person. But the basic concepts of that book sound very similar to what I've studied about detachment in relation to Buddhism and Brahma Kumaris (another faith system).
For me, reading, prayer and meditation really helped me to detach myself while at the same time keeping an open heart. Detachment is not about cutting off love from someone, detachment is about having peace and happiness on your own so that you don't depend on any outside situation or person to provide it to you.
When I think of detachment I think of someone walking through a storm unaffected.
Finding balance in my own life has helped me immensely. I have been through a lot in my life and surviving it is something I owe to my spiritual path.
No one can tell you what to do, or what path to take. Once you find that peace within yourself, all other decisions in your life will come naturally to you.
Best,
C
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by Chantal88 
detachment is about having peace and happiness on your own so that you don't depend on any outside situation or person to provide it to you.
When I think of detachment I think of someone walking through a storm unaffected.
When I think of detachment I think of someone walking through a storm unaffected.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello Orca. Welcome to SR. I understand the amount of information can be overwhelming. I encourage you to take it a step at a time, and by that it will be in baby steps, and that's ok too. Set yourself small goals that you can achieve that will make YOU feel better and less overwhelmed. Take care of yourself both physically and emoationally. That face to face support will truly help you if you find the right group of people.
Keep in mind, detatchment is hard. It has taken me years and although I am pretty good at it now, it has taken me a long time to get to where I am. So if you slip in a behavior you wish you had not, don't beat yourself up for it. Understand it and move on from it.
You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. You can only decide what you want from you.
God Bless.
Keep in mind, detatchment is hard. It has taken me years and although I am pretty good at it now, it has taken me a long time to get to where I am. So if you slip in a behavior you wish you had not, don't beat yourself up for it. Understand it and move on from it.
You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. You can only decide what you want from you.
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by shil2587
Thank you for this. This has given me a better understanding than I had before. I needed this today.
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