Thoughtful2

Hello

My ex has asked fir support but I think he is using me as his pain outlet he still gets angry when I ask if he is ok says I am clingy.
I just feel he is beginning to open up. And I have never seen that emotion and pain simmering on the surface. He tried very hard to contain his temper I could feel that.

He says he is getting help and I am not meeting with him this us distance contact.

Am I doing the right thing. What advice can you give me.
Thank you everyone.

Stung

My AH is going through recovery right now too, anytime that he starts being angry or unpleasant with me in any way, I tell him so and then say goodbye and hang up. If he wants to be a jerk he can go pound sand. I suggest you do the same. If he is asking YOU for support, how does that make YOU clingy? Sounds like abusive, belittling behavior to me.

EDITED: I mean you do the same as in not taking his negative attitude and behavior, not that you pound sand. Lol Just read what I wrote and how unclear that was.

atalose

In this short post you admit that he is using you. He is calling you clingy and you have not gotten over this relationship ending your still holding onto what ever crumbs he is throwing his way. Is this the life you want?

Like an alcolholic handed a bottle of Jack. A codependent told they are needed is like going on a bender. Are you willing to get back on that ride? Cause you will always want more from this guy then he will ever be able to give you.

AnvilheadII

what EXACTLY are you supposed to do FOR him? the constant theme in your posts describing your relationship with this man is BEING USED. that means he doesn't see you as an equal and you don't have a healthy sense of SELF, that you are willing to let him treat you poorly. you have to help yourself first, before you have anything to offer to others.

it's the airplane rule - put on your OWN oxygen mask FIRST and then render aid to others. help yourself, support yourself. and let him do whatever it is he's going to do.

Hawkeye13

If he is asking for your support and then insulting you,
it is time to hang up the phone and walk away.

His anger is not your problem. He needs to work on that himself.
You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

You seem to have some co-dependency issues.
Please look into getting help for yourself or you may well
"pick" another winner / alcoholic abuser as a pattern.

BunnyNest

I found that when my loved one was serious about recovery, his support was coming from his sponsor, counselors, etc. Otherwise, it was manipulation.

Blueskies25

Hello. I was there too when AH first left our home at my request. Asked me to support him but to him this meant giving him money etc and when I refused the anger was fast n furious. After a couple of months of this pattern I started no contact. It's hard alot of the time but recovery has to be his own journey, but I still really really struggle (am divorcing him now and he's on Antabuse). I'm half expecting a request at some point for assistance at some stage and am dreading it as know it would do me no good. I'm not sure it's going to do you any good either, if I can be frank. Hold fast to your own sanity. Everyone is on here to support you too!

m1k3

Quick question, if he is your ex why are you involved? He doesn't need your support, he needs to figure it out for himself. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

Have you considered going no contact? The extra space would give you a chance to focus on your recovery.

Your friend,

Hammer

What does "support" mean?

When Mrs. Hammer and the Rehab center called and asked if I would "support" Therapy for her after Rehab . . . I asked what they meant by "support?"

Answer: Would I pay for it?

------------

I guess he is not try to freeload money from you, but rather only dump his crap on you?

Crap dumps are best "supported" by toilets.

That is what toilets are for.

We are not toilets.

Kat60

My best advise for you to support him is to leave him to his own recovery.

He is a grown man and is fully capable of seeking out the resources and means to get well if he wants to...

The thing is, I don't see any real indication in any of your posts that he wants recovery at all.

Dee74

some great advice here Thoughful - re-read your old posts about this guy - I think he's being manipulative and I think you're better off moving on completely.

D

Thoughtful2

Thank you for all your advice everyone
I have read your words over and over.
I don't think I have been listening yo you guys like I should've done a while back
Think that, stranger as I am to you, care more for my wellbeing than my ex ever could.
I know I an only a co-dependent but its a sad empty time I am feeling lately.
(I hope you don't mind me sharing that)
I used to be so brave and strong and I want and will get that back

xxx

Recovering2

He is an EX. If he is serious about recovery, he has new tools and contacts to help him. He would have a Sponsor or Counselor to bounce things off of. To continue to go back to you is unfair....but if you allow it he doesn't get the message. Consider going "No Contact". Block emails/texts/calls. Stand up for yourself and send the message that you have decided to move on.
The fact that you define yourself as an EX says you ARE brave and strong! Own that! You seek to move on to a better place for YOU! We have never met, and likely never will, but I DO care about my Madrid friend! You deserve better, but you have to put that message out there.

Thoughtful2

What a kind thing to say to me I am very touched by your supportive heartfelt words.
I am finished with him. If he wants help it is up to him, I am no longer allowing him to walk all over my feelings. All he ever did was try to use me to get what he wants.
He has this thing about him that he is worthy and superior. He uses is drinking to stay in his little world and then blame it when he does something wrong.
I see a lot of people on here are genuinely good people but I think he is a bad person. It's taken me a while but sometimes you have to have your heart hardened to see it.
Looking back I think he has mental issues

From one friend to another, keep well Recovering2 xx

fluffyflea

I guess this fits in with what happened with my S.O the other day.

HE has a situation in his life that HE CHOOSES to not deal with even though it APPEARS to cause him some emotional discomfort.

The other day he started off a conversation with saying "I try to accept my LOT in life"........

And I cut him off right there and said "I don't want to hear about it."

Because why should I listen to anything about that situation if he isn't doing anything to change it. As Hammer said "We are not toilets."