What to do with his jeckyl and hyde attitude?
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Location: Southern US
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I second Atalose. I am in Al-Anon and have been working through the book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. I found this part in the preface immediately helpful & reread it frequently: "We can move forward to a brighter future by acknowledging the pain of what happened and then leaving it behind. We learn to let go of fantasies of what might have been and open ourselves to the realities of what is."
My AH & I are separating, most likely divorcing after 25 years together. Just the other day, I wrote in my journal that I'm grieving the loss of my best friend - AH. But, the truth is, he hasn't been my best friend in a very long time. At least two years. Facing reality - that the relationship we shared is already gone is actually comforting to me because it's not something new I have to face - it's already my reality.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, I'm sleep deprived at the moment! I guess what I'm trying to say is the reality is that you've already lost this man - he is not your boyfriend and he doesn't sound like much of a friend. The sooner you process that, the sooner you can have a brighter, happier future.
My AH & I are separating, most likely divorcing after 25 years together. Just the other day, I wrote in my journal that I'm grieving the loss of my best friend - AH. But, the truth is, he hasn't been my best friend in a very long time. At least two years. Facing reality - that the relationship we shared is already gone is actually comforting to me because it's not something new I have to face - it's already my reality.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, I'm sleep deprived at the moment! I guess what I'm trying to say is the reality is that you've already lost this man - he is not your boyfriend and he doesn't sound like much of a friend. The sooner you process that, the sooner you can have a brighter, happier future.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: trelleborg
Posts: 7
You guys are awesome, thank you for the support and advice.
To answer a few questions. Yes, I do love him, and I do hope to get back together with him. Secretly I wish that every time he is with me he realized the same.
But, you all made points which hit me right in the heart.
He is a user, he never did give me anything I needed. Never!
I am seeing I am nothing but a booty call.
I will go no contact and detach myself. It's too hard now. Every time I see him, I end up missing him more, and the circle just never breaks.
I am addicted to him as he is to alcohol and the best way is abstinence and recovery.
I do feel I deserve better treatment, and I even said this to him once... His reply.. No one "deserves" anything, one should just be thankful for what one has.
"Coffee splurges out mouth"
Hope we can keep this thread alive and i can come here for support when i feel weak, as I do now.
He is a dry drunk narcissist, and i should just know better.
To answer a few questions. Yes, I do love him, and I do hope to get back together with him. Secretly I wish that every time he is with me he realized the same.
But, you all made points which hit me right in the heart.
He is a user, he never did give me anything I needed. Never!
I am seeing I am nothing but a booty call.
I will go no contact and detach myself. It's too hard now. Every time I see him, I end up missing him more, and the circle just never breaks.
I am addicted to him as he is to alcohol and the best way is abstinence and recovery.
I do feel I deserve better treatment, and I even said this to him once... His reply.. No one "deserves" anything, one should just be thankful for what one has.
"Coffee splurges out mouth"
Hope we can keep this thread alive and i can come here for support when i feel weak, as I do now.
He is a dry drunk narcissist, and i should just know better.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
Go to Alanon and look at your part in things.
/QUOTE=Shadiesweden;4386443]Hello all,
I have an ex alc. 4 years sober with a recent relapse due to our problems (clean and going back to Aa now) whom I left due to lies, no trust, cheating emotionally, dry drunk behavior and no support. He was a crappy boyfriend.
But.. I love him. There are times when this wonderful person emerges and I am just addicted to him.
this person I love has emerged less and less as time had gone by, by me putting my foot down, expecting some respect and love back.
The more i demanded, the more he pulled away, in the end i just had to end it..
But now he hates me as i texted the girls he was carrying on with, young girls..to warn them,, he hates me for telling the woman i caught him cheating with to back off, told her boyfriend also.. He totally plays the victim now.. Sure, i could have handled things better.. But at the time, I was raging from his jeckyl and hyde behaviour.
Thing is, now I am trying to be there for him, as a friend.. And he can be sweet one moment and dead stone cold the next.. Its really hurting me, and i dont know how to handle this... How does one handle this coldness from someone who claims to love ya yet treats you like ****..
Any help would be greatful[/QUOTE]
Go to Alanon and look at your part in things.
/QUOTE=Shadiesweden;4386443]Hello all,
I have an ex alc. 4 years sober with a recent relapse due to our problems (clean and going back to Aa now) whom I left due to lies, no trust, cheating emotionally, dry drunk behavior and no support. He was a crappy boyfriend.
But.. I love him. There are times when this wonderful person emerges and I am just addicted to him.
this person I love has emerged less and less as time had gone by, by me putting my foot down, expecting some respect and love back.
The more i demanded, the more he pulled away, in the end i just had to end it..
But now he hates me as i texted the girls he was carrying on with, young girls..to warn them,, he hates me for telling the woman i caught him cheating with to back off, told her boyfriend also.. He totally plays the victim now.. Sure, i could have handled things better.. But at the time, I was raging from his jeckyl and hyde behaviour.
Thing is, now I am trying to be there for him, as a friend.. And he can be sweet one moment and dead stone cold the next.. Its really hurting me, and i dont know how to handle this... How does one handle this coldness from someone who claims to love ya yet treats you like ****..
Any help would be greatful[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by iamthird 
It is painful but I once heard in a movie "these things always end badly or else they wouldn't end".
Makes so much sense, and a nice, succinct little thing to keep tucked away in your mind when you start to feel overwhelmed.
Thanks for that.
Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Onawa, iamthird, et al ...........On one of the tv bachelorette series----it was proposal day, and the "loser" made that statement just as he was getting into the boat to be taken away........sorry........but, I had to laugh in amusement when I saw this, today.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
To answer a few questions. Yes, I do love him, and I do hope to get back together with him. Secretly I wish that every time he is with me he realized the same
I'm not trying to be rude or nosy...You don't have to say whether the following is a part of this.. but if you are sleeping together, this is going to complicate things even more. I suspect from things you've said that this is occurring.
You say he hates you, you say that when you are together,"it's great.. We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude.. Yet he still tells me he loves me, misses me, has no one to talk to etc. I am the one that broke it off and well aware that if things dont change now, they never will. It's just very hard letting go of someone you love."
You mentioned that in the past he had cheated emotionally and lied, acted like a dry drink, gave you no support, and relapsed into drinking when you broke it off (if I understand that right).
You yourself said he was "a crappy boyfriend".
He's going to be an even crappier friend-with-benefits.
He sounds unreliable and untrustworthy to begin with, as well as selfish.
So, he's not going to act better now, especially since he has relapsed, and is dealing with that whole thing.
You breaking up with him might have also caused him to feel resentment toward you, even though he really did nothing to show that he was worth keeping as a romantic partner, and he might be playing hard to get and acting cold when you contact him to get even with you.
Regardless, he was a crappy boyfriend, and it doesn't look like he's changed for the better. In fact, he has regressed. And it seems he's using you, whether he is doing it deliberately or not.
I hope you can find some counseling so that you can work on valuing yourself.
He treated you poorly in a relationship, you broke it off, and now you want his attention.
You may also be kind of bored single, and looking to fill your time. There are better ways to fill your time.
You may just want him because you "can't" have him.
You may have a thing going in where you get rid of him for treating you poorly, he falls apart, it, in some way, makes you feel like he really DID care all along or else he wouldn't have fallen apart, and now you wish to "nurse him back to health".
I think counseling would be very beneficial because this could be going on for so many possible reasons. I know it can be so very hard to let go of something...but you are letting go of a crappy relationship, not the dream of how great it "could've/could" be.
You can find another, better relationship in the future, after you look inside of yourself for a while, and get confident and can see clearly. You deserve better.
Wishing you the best of luck, and strength.
Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: trelleborg
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
You said in your initial post that you are "trying to be there as a friend". It's going to be incredibly difficult on you, to be there as a friend would, if you have romantic feelings for him. For example, there are things that wouldn't arouse your jealousy if you were just a friend - but, since you have feelings for him, you will feel jealous. I'm not trying to be rude or nosy...You don't have to say whether the following is a part of this.. but if you are sleeping together, this is going to complicate things even more. I suspect from things you've said that this is occurring.
Yes, I don't believe I can be a friend.
I still care too much, so it is almost impossible not to feel jealous.
The very few times we have met as friends, he always gets me into bed, so. Only thing. I can do is stay away.
I will not be his doormat.
Ps, I don't think you're rude or nosey. Im here to open up and not hold back
I tried being his friend because he came up with the argument " yes, now that you have ruined me, you just take off"
I was trying to show I could still be there for him if he needed me, but every time i try he pushes me away.
So, its a bit too much for my own sanity. Its always just about him him him.
You say he hates you, you say that when you are together,"it's great.. We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude.. Yet he still tells me he loves me, misses me, has no one to talk to etc. I am the one that broke it off and well aware that if things dont change now, they never will. It's just very hard letting go of someone you love." You mentioned that in the past he had cheated emotionally and lied, acted like a dry drink, gave you no support, and relapsed into drinking when you broke it off (if I understand that right). You yourself said he was "a crappy boyfriend". He's going to be an even crappier friend-with-benefits.
It is hard letting go, but as many have mentioned, its more of image i had of him that lingers and makes it hard.
He sounds unreliable and untrustworthy to begin with, as well as selfish. So, he's not going to act better now, especially since he has relapsed, and is dealing with that whole thing. You breaking up with him might have also caused him to feel resentment toward you, even though he really did nothing to show that he was worth keeping as a romantic partner, and he might be playing hard to get and acting cold when you contact him to get even with you. Regardless, he was a crappy boyfriend, and it doesn't look like he's changed for the better. In fact, he has regressed. And it seems he's using you, whether he is doing it deliberately or not. I hope you can find some counseling so that you can work on valuing yourself. He treated you poorly in a relationship, you broke it off, and now you want his attention. You may also be kind of bored single, and looking to fill your time. There are better ways to fill your time. You may just want him because you "can't" have him. You may have a thing going in where you get rid of him for treating you poorly, he falls apart, it, in some way, makes you feel like he really DID care all along or else he wouldn't have fallen apart, and now you wish to "nurse him back to health". I think counseling would be very beneficial because this could be going on for so many possible reasons. I know it can be so very hard to let go of something...but you are letting go of a crappy relationship, not the dream of how great it "could've/could" be. You can find another, better relationship in the future, after you look inside of yourself for a while, and get confident and can see clearly. You deserve better. Wishing you the best of luck, and strength. Peace.
Yes, I don't believe I can be a friend.
I still care too much, so it is almost impossible not to feel jealous.
The very few times we have met as friends, he always gets me into bed, so. Only thing. I can do is stay away.
I will not be his doormat.
Ps, I don't think you're rude or nosey. Im here to open up and not hold back
I tried being his friend because he came up with the argument " yes, now that you have ruined me, you just take off"
I was trying to show I could still be there for him if he needed me, but every time i try he pushes me away.
So, its a bit too much for my own sanity. Its always just about him him him.
You say he hates you, you say that when you are together,"it's great.. We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude.. Yet he still tells me he loves me, misses me, has no one to talk to etc. I am the one that broke it off and well aware that if things dont change now, they never will. It's just very hard letting go of someone you love." You mentioned that in the past he had cheated emotionally and lied, acted like a dry drink, gave you no support, and relapsed into drinking when you broke it off (if I understand that right). You yourself said he was "a crappy boyfriend". He's going to be an even crappier friend-with-benefits.
It is hard letting go, but as many have mentioned, its more of image i had of him that lingers and makes it hard.
He sounds unreliable and untrustworthy to begin with, as well as selfish. So, he's not going to act better now, especially since he has relapsed, and is dealing with that whole thing. You breaking up with him might have also caused him to feel resentment toward you, even though he really did nothing to show that he was worth keeping as a romantic partner, and he might be playing hard to get and acting cold when you contact him to get even with you. Regardless, he was a crappy boyfriend, and it doesn't look like he's changed for the better. In fact, he has regressed. And it seems he's using you, whether he is doing it deliberately or not. I hope you can find some counseling so that you can work on valuing yourself. He treated you poorly in a relationship, you broke it off, and now you want his attention. You may also be kind of bored single, and looking to fill your time. There are better ways to fill your time. You may just want him because you "can't" have him. You may have a thing going in where you get rid of him for treating you poorly, he falls apart, it, in some way, makes you feel like he really DID care all along or else he wouldn't have fallen apart, and now you wish to "nurse him back to health". I think counseling would be very beneficial because this could be going on for so many possible reasons. I know it can be so very hard to let go of something...but you are letting go of a crappy relationship, not the dream of how great it "could've/could" be. You can find another, better relationship in the future, after you look inside of yourself for a while, and get confident and can see clearly. You deserve better. Wishing you the best of luck, and strength. Peace.
Thank you, it is time for me to just drop him like a hot brick, no contact, no more manipulation, no more trusting a word of what he says.
His actions speak loud and clear..
Its me time, i need to get back to the gym, focus on finding me again, get my self esteem back and eventually find what I deserve
Again. Thank you
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Originally Posted by Shadiesweden
Thank you, it is time for me to just drop him like a hot brick, no contact, no more manipulation, no more trusting a word of what he says. His actions speak loud and clear.. Its me time, i need to get back to the gym, focus on finding me again, get my self esteem back and eventually find what I deserve Again. Thank you
Again. Thank you xo
Kat
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Shadiesweden
Thank you, it is time for me to just drop him like a hot brick, no contact, no more manipulation, no more trusting a word of what he says.
His actions speak loud and clear..
Its me time, i need to get back to the gym, focus on finding me again, get my self esteem back and eventually find what I deserve
Again. Thank you
His actions speak loud and clear..
Its me time, i need to get back to the gym, focus on finding me again, get my self esteem back and eventually find what I deserve
Again. Thank you
I'm glad to hear you talk about taking good care of yourself!
Peace.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Shadiesweden
Thank you, it is time for me to just drop him like a hot brick, no contact, no more manipulation, no more trusting a word of what he says.
His actions speak loud and clear..
Its me time, i need to get back to the gym, focus on finding me again, get my self esteem back and eventually find what I deserve
Again. Thank you
His actions speak loud and clear..
Its me time, i need to get back to the gym, focus on finding me again, get my self esteem back and eventually find what I deserve
Again. Thank you
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Users must use. You or others. If you are Useless to a User, they go away.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
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Originally Posted by Shadiesweden
It's just very hard letting go of someone you love.
I know how you feel, and I can definitely feel the love that you have for him in your posts.
Life is funny, we never know in what direction it will take us nor can we predict what will happen. In my own life I have found that letting go is not the same as not loving. There have been many people in my life that I have had to let go. This doesn't mean I don't love them.
It may be that life will bring the two of you back together after you both have done a bit of growing, or it may be that your lives are diverging. Whatever the case may be, acceptance is key.
Hugs,
C
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