BlueMoon

The last few days have been kinda rough. But hey, that makes sense considering that AH is "MIAH" (Missing In an Alcoholic Haze) - I'm packing + getting ready to move for the 2nd time in less than a year -
Let's see, I've gone from a 2 story, 3 bdrm house with my very own to washer + dryer in the basement and a HUGE yard for me to garden in and the g-daughters to play in - TO - a small one bdrm apartment - AND - now i am packing to move into my son's basement.
If this trend continues, i will soon be living in a very small pet carrier! (It'd have to be a pet carrier as opposed to a cardboard box cuz my 2 pet bunnies would chew their way out of a cardboard box - and who'd blame them!!) (I really can't tell if I'm trying to be funny or not - I'm losing it)

My *kewl* ergomatic keyboard broke the other day - [*wah!*] - It's hard to type when your spacebar doesn't work! Sooooo - what I have to do is type on my handy-dandy-birthday-present laptop, save it to disk and transfer it to the computer with the modem - 3 ft. away. Seems pretty ridiculous. But it works. This laptop even came with a modem but (there's always a but!) it seems to want a special kind of phone cord plug-in. Maybe i can find one that fits my budget (FREE!) ??? OH! I AM so funny.

I feel so scared + hurt! Not all the time, but it comes in unexpected waves - sometimes it feels like a tidal wave - I do know that I WILL be "ok", I WILL get thru this - somehow - - - It's very hard to not want to know *Right This Second* just WHAT is going o happen to me, just WHAT is going to happen to AH - and our relationship - - - on + on + on + on - ad naueum -

My son is going to call the Police Station today. I TRIED and I just couldn't make myself do it. (which could be why the last few days sucked). We don't know if it's appropriate to file a Missing Person report or not. [really heavy sigh] - My biggest fear is that he'll end up (or IS) a "John Doe" somewhere - seriously possible, NOT just a wild fear. I don't necessarily want the police to go hunt him down (tho I do!), but NObody knows where he is. He left with nothing but the clothes on his back, no money, no vehicle -
Wouldn't it be the height of irony to find out he's been dead since the day he left? and here I am, waiting for him to come home - - -

I don't let myself think like that for very long, but it's always in the back of my mind, waiting for me to let my guard down so it can leap out and chew at my heart some more.

I figured he was with his little brother - til brother called a few days ago looking for him.

I don't answer the phone, I screen all the calls. If someone is leaving a message for AH, I don't pick up. So when his family or AA friends call, unless they specifically mention MY name, i just ignore it.

He's got *8* siblings (7 are older), a mom, a stepmom. They're all very nice people but they DO NOT "GET IT" when it comes to alcoholism. (Maybe cuz they're all alcoholcs themselves!?) I've learned in these past 12 years to not even bother banging my head against THAT brick wall. So I haven't called everyone saying "sniffle sniffle, Have you seen Brett? sniffle, sniffle".
There's too damned many of them. I just don't want to deal with them! And you can't just tell ONE of them something - ya know? And what would they do ANYway? Fill up their coolers with beer and go look for him?! Yeah, there's a rescue party for ya. A posse of drunk redheads. [sarcasm]

They LIKE me. They credit me with the positive changes they see in their brother. I gave up trying to explain "It's NOT me!" - whatever - they like me alot and they'd call me if they "had" him. If for no other reason than to beg me to "Come GET Him!". He's not a nice person when he's drunk.

I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! [heavy sigh] - there - got THAT outta my system for the day.

I love him so much! I miss him. I'm worried sick (when I let myself).

But on the bright side - by moving into son's basement means I'll be living with my "Fan Club" - aka: my g-daughters! How can I not smile when there's 3 little girls running towards me, squealing "Gramma Gramma!" whenever they see me?!? (#4 g-girl is only 6wks old - she squeals but mostly just for her mommy)

I have no clue what i'm rambling about - just that i needed to do it. If you made it this far, you get a *sticker*!


Blue

rivercitybelle

How wonderful getting to see your g-babies on a daily basis!
You need to remember to do something nice for yourself today! I know I'd be real upset if my ergo keyboard died. Did you try taking it apart and blowing the dust/stuff out to see if that helped?

Rose56

Blue, I want to send hugs your way. I understand the desire to know what will happen "to" you or in your life. I think that way sometimes, like can I just turn to the ending? Is it happy? You are certainly dealing with a lot, more than most people ever have to. I respect you for your strength, your sense of humor, and your courage to move forward. You are fortunate to have a wonderful son to move in with and to be near your granddaughters. I know this situation is not one typically associated with the word "fortunate". But we all have blessings, if we can open our eyes and see them. My prayers are with you as wou wait for answers on your AH. Take good care and come back here often, I hope you can fix your keyboard. (((((((Blue)))))))))

BlueMoon

oooooooooh! I could take it apart!!! >clapping hands<
It's already not working, so i don't have to worry about breaking it! *kewl*
(The 1st time i took one apart "just to clean it", it took me 3 days to get it back together right - LOL) -

This little laptop isn't all that bad - just VERY weird to get used to is all. But my plan has been to get it (laptop) set up so that i can use it when I move in with son + family - instead of my big ol' computer + desk. The keyboard malfunction feels rather like god saying "Hey Blue - you'd best get that laptop up + running now."

Rose - "I know this situation is not one typically associated with the word "fortunate". But we all have blessings, if we can open our eyes and see them."
YEP! I soooooo agree with you! I'm trying very hard to remember to keep my eyes (+ mind!) open so that I CAN see the good things all around me. And boy oh boy, there are SO MANY OF THEM!

I'm SOOO proud of my son, he is the most awesome young man ever. And the woman he married? She is just as awesome. *I* would've never let MY mil move in!!! The g-girls - well, i could use up every bit of computer memory talking about them! It's sad tho - they all love and miss their "Papa". The 4yo especially - she thinks the world revolves around him.

>sigh< - but ya know - I'd rather have them miss him than to ever see him like he (probably) is now. wow - did *I* say that?! What growth for me to be able to calmly type that. Strange. I'm finding out that I am even stronger/wiser than what I could ever have imagined. How odd. I didn't notice that was happening. It just quietly snuck into my brain over all these years.

I seriously love the 12 steps! I love SR. I love YOU!

(ummm, did i mention that i'm over-caffienated to make up for staying up 1/2 the nite tending a sick rabbit?)


Blue

sdp

Good luck to you, Blue.. At least your sense of humor is intact!!!!! And good to have the adoring grandkids around...

A friend of mine was in a similar situation.. They had a big house , 3 dogs, 2 cats, birds, etc.. Then her wickey stick smoking a$$ of a husband left her for a bimbo, left her with no car, no money, etc.. she ended up putting her mom in a nursing home, losing the house and moving into an apt with 2 of the dogs, 2 cats, daughter and 2 year old granddaughter. However, she hooked up with a REAL bad boozo. hopefully, you will stay away from that!!!!!

BlueMoon

I haven't given up hope - it's my hunny or no one! He'll be back - alcoholics aren't that easy to lose after all! I love him, he loves me, we both believe that we are soul-mates. I'm not giving up this soon OR that easily. He will be back.

Blue

rivercitybelle

Okay so the fates or HP have decided you are to move things onto your laptop! Do that first, then take apart the keyboard. But you can turn the keyboard upside down and pat it like you'd burp a baby and it will spit up keyboard lint, etc...