giliji

He drinks a liter of whiskey and I can't seem to stop looking for bottles. I just opened the trash that is set to go to the landfill to look for any. Then another trash can I didn't know was out there. Yes, I found bottles. I am beyond obsessive and I know that but I can't seem to stop.

He never drinks in front of us or is drunk in front of us. There are things in the past - slight slurring, bloodshot eyes - that he said was from being tired. He does work very hard. However, I haven't seen that in a few weeks but I know has has been drinking. Overall he is a great dad and husband. I start to doubt myself, even after all the bottles I have seen. Sometimes he will go through a liter in a day or two. Sometimes he doesn't seem to drink for days. I start to wonder if there really is a problem since we don't seem to have problems in our family life because of it. Well mostly not. There are some undesirable behaviors sometimes, but not much. So I look for bottles to see if there really is a problem.

I want to live my life and when the undesirable behaviors come up, do what I can to take care of the situation. They are minor, but not minor to a couple of the children (13, 15).

I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He still won't talk to me about it and we act like nothing is going on. I don't think I'm writing clearly and what I want to say. My mind is so jumbled. My kids need more than I'm giving them right now. Sometimes I think I need problems in my life. I don't know.

I'm tempted to delete this because it sounds stupid, but I won't.

honeypig

giliji, an alcoholic is not defined by how many bottles he does or doesn't drink and how often. He's defined by the problems his drinking causes in all his relationships and his inability/unwillingness to change that.

The other thing to remember is YET. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and as time passes, things will almost certainly get worse. Will it be easier to deal with things a year, 5, 10 years down the road?

SparkleKitty

You know, it is enough that YOU are having a problem with the relationship as it stands. You don't need proof. What would happen if you took the time and energy you are spending digging through the trash looking for evidence that you're not making a mountain out of a molehill (and you're not, promise), and spent that time and energy hanging out, listening, and talking to your kids?

You can't change your husband. Until he is ready to address the "undesirable behavior" that causes you distress, it won't matter how many bottles you account for, or what they mean. You CAN change your feeling that you are not giving your children as much as they need right now. Sending you strength and courage to pull your focus away from where it isn't going to make a difference to where it will make all the difference in the world.

m1k3

If it wasn't a problem for you, you wouldn't be on a forum for friends and family of alcoholics.

His drinking is causing a problem for you whether he's an alcoholic or not.

The big question is where do you want to go from here?

This forum was a great starting point for me as well as AlAnon. It taught me to take the focus off my AW and put the focus on me.

BTW, I think everyone of us here has gone through this stage. You are among people who know what you are going through because we have been there ourselves.

Your friend,

JustAGirl1971

I've counted bottles before. I thought I stopped doing that but then yesterday, I noticed that his box of beer looked nearly full again when it was nearly empty just the night before. I didn't count but I did peak in to verify that it was indeed more full (it's the magical never empty box of beer, lol.)

Anyway, I really just wanted to say that I wouldn't assume that the children haven't been affected. I was shocked by how much my kids were affected. Earlier this fall, DD (13 at the time) was counting AH's vodka and beer bottles. I did not realize that she was keeping a tally in her head until she told me. She'd been doing it for a while. Around the same time, my DS15 moved in with my parents after an argument with AH. Admittedly, it was a bad argument (I was not present), but not so bad that your average child would have left home. For DS, it was just the last straw. He'd had enough and couldn't take any more.

I think because we live with it and have been slowly conditioned to it... little by little... day by day... that we don't understand how much it is affecting us and them until something major happens to spotlight how dysfunctional we've become.

I'm sorry, giliji

getthere

Four months ago,i was the you,i hadn't seen my partner with a drink in his hand for a couple of years,he used to drink wine from a glass,then he started secretly drinking straight whisky and vodka secretly
I would ask him had he had a drink,he would say no,i would feel guilty for doubting him,but of course he was drinking,we went to relationship counselling for 10 months,he did most of the talking,declaring his love for me,and how good he was that he hadn't had a drink in ages,then he ended up in hospital,WITHDRAWAL,told the docter he drank HALF a bottle of whisky every day(so I reckon a bottle)for six weeks.
I couldn't take the lies and dishonesty,on the day my seven year old nephew was buried he left a message on my phone saying he had been beaten up by a group of lads,i found out three days later he lied to me again,i ended relationship that day,he went straight into rehab,he is still there,finishes end of January,would he have gone to rehab if I hadn't split with him,not a chance,i have realised that I enabled him by trying everything to get our relationship to work.
Am I happy now?.,no not really,but I am relaxed,am I lonely?sometimes,but I was extremely lonely when he was here,
I feel I have my home back as my haven and its not now somewhere I dreaded been.

Stung

Please don't feel stupid. My husband drinks (drank) in secret too and I'm only not compelled to look for bottles because I can smell alcohol on my husband. I don't need to visibly search when I can smell it. Plus, even if I find bottles what then? He'll go buy more if I toss out a full bottle and what will finding empties do for me? What will finding empties do for you?

There is a problem if you can even stomach going through a liter or two of liquor a day. I think I'd end up in the ER if I tried to get through that in a week.

atalose

OK, so you find the bottles then what??

Upsetnneedhelp

If you really want to bust you could by a breathalyzer. They are not really that expensive anymore and he could not deny the reading.

giliji

Thanks for all the help!! Wow! Your input really made me think. My kids need me. I have to fight the urge to look for bottles. I am reading Under the Influence and it's making me cry. He has definitely progressed over the last several years (and I didn't even know he was still drinking most of those years). I'm so scared for him. And us. He smokes alot and I was worried about him dying early because of that. Now it looks like it will be the whiskey. If I drank the amount he does I would be in the ER too.

I'm sure he's would not submit to a breathalyzer. He doesn't talk about it at all. Not even to deny it. He just says we have made up our mind about him and there's nothing he can do to change that. He then turns away from the conversation.

hopeful4

What he is saying is this is me, my life. Take it or leave it. Do not expect change from him. That being said, if you find bottles it is not going to make a bit of difference for him. You can only decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Counseling and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery can help with that.

I get it, it hurts. However you do not have to be immeshed into him and his behavior. Decide what YOU want and set yourself steps to get there.

Hugs.

Booo

Hopeful, how do you come up with the perfect things to say? Giligi, it will take time for you to "get" this. It's taken me 13 years. You don't need that. You know there is a problem. He knows even if he won't talk about it. Set your boundary. My line in the sand was just moved to concrete.

hopeful4

O Booo....I have spent years in codependency recovery. I know all the right things to say. I mostly practice them in my life, but not always. It is hard to walk the talk and I get that. If not, I guess I would not be here! All we can do is encourage each other. I hope my words encourage someone because you all have certainly done so for me!!!

Hugs!

thislonelygirl

Once you cross into the "looking for bottles" topic...ide say yes its a problem lol.
Once you come into this forum..its a problrm.
Once its even considered an issue...its a problem
And once you cant talk about it....its a problem


Sounds like he has a problem.
I was where you were. In denial.thought it was me and maybe if I didnt make a big deal of it. It wouldnt be.
Took many a heartbreak and struggle to see it was just the disease making me feel crazy.
It was good at making me feel crazy

NWGRITS

You know he has a problem because it bothers you. End of discussion on that part. But let's talk about you and those kids. What are you doing to protect them from the abuse they receive by living in an A home? What are you doing to protect yourself? And yes, living with an A is its own brand of abuse. Fists don't have to be flying for the A to cause damage. I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Recovering2

I did the same thing. Would look for bottles in the house, in the car, in the garbage. I even took pics of them with my cell phone. Just in case I needed to prove it to someone. Crazy!!!

Truth is, we become as ill as the alcoholic in this disease. Looking for bottles in the garbage is not normal behavior in a relationship. When I first went to AlAnon, and counseling, I had to learn to stop looking for bottles. I was not responsible for his behaviors. But I was responsible for my behaviors. That was really hard at first!! The longer I stayed in Alanon, the better I got. My A didn't change initially, but I found some peace by detaching from his behaviors.

You have kids. I'm willing to bet if you're wondering, they're already thinking about it. Find an AlAnon meeting for yourself, start educating yourself about this. Read the sticky's here. Read in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum to get some insight to your kids.

Catherine628

I'm willing to bet quite a few of us have "bottle pictures" on our phones. Looking for bottles only increased my anxiety. And then I would be so angry when I found them.

They have ala-teen for the kids. Pretending nothing is wrong is pretty common in homes with alcohol issues. But the kids sense something is wrong and they learn not to trust themselves or those around them.

My AH's family did this. What a mess of dysfunction. One good thing is he wants to educate our kids about alcoholism.

cgfox

He (almost) never hid bottles from me -whether empty or full. Mostly because he was drinking in front of me and I didn't say anything. I thought he would stop when ready... I was wrong. It was just like enabling him but I didn't know anything about that before researching about codependency and alcoholism. Of course it got worse.

My bf has teenage kids, and I love them dearly. Unfortunately they see him drunk (and/or on drugs) and they see how it affects me. Their mother is a drug addict too, they grew up in the middle of drugs... they seem to accept it better than me.

giliji

Hopeful, this is a big part of my problem - I have always considered us to be 'one' and now he is keeping something from me and that's tearing us apart.

Boo, I don't understand how to set a boundry in our situation. He is not emotionally or physically abusive. I guess there are things I see may happen that will have a boundry. NO ONE will hurt my kids in any way. Especially not their father.

thislonelygirl, I don't really think it's me causing any problems, but I do feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. It's definitely making me crazy. I have to focus on one day at a time.

nwgrits, I don't understand this. I can't see any abuse. Physically, mentally or emotionally. He tells us how great we are. He encourages all the kids, especially the boys. He's told me that he wishes I could see myself the way he sees me because he thinks I'm beautiful, awesome and a great mom. (I have my own issues). Maybe this will change down the line, but it's not there now. There's a post I read on the Abuse sticky, on the last page where the poster wrote almost exactly our life.

recovering, I will go read that forum. 3 of 5 of my children know. One is already out of the home on her own. 19yo son has found bottles when looking for other things, 13 yo dd is very sensitive. The other 2 say nothing is wrong. I want to talk with them again today.

Catherine, Totally agee with getting angry. I am making myself stop looking. He has been working alot so I don't imagine there is any.
I'm not sure what they could sense is wrong. My 13yo can, and I've talked with the other one in the home that knows. I have asked the other two if there's something they think is going on, but not sure about. They both say there is nothing. I'm going to talk with them today.

cgfox, I'm so sorry those kids have to go through such a rough childhood.

Catherine628

They could sense that dad drinking a liter of whiskey and mom obsessively looking for bottles is wrong. Not your typical family activities. In our case dad was spending his time drinking, I was spending my time looking for bottles/checking up on him. There wasn't a lot of time or energy left over for either one of us to give the kids. I look back and see how gradually his drinking pulled him away from participating in family activities. He always had excuses though like work or he was sick. I minimized the problem but it wasn't long before all my focus was on him.

They say alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. It certainly is.