kmarie76

My alcoholic boyfriend is a wonderful man. But I had to move out again. I lost a child this year and he just doesn't understand my grief. He is newly retired and had this dream of collecting women to lunch and drink with and travel with and chat with. But I came along and he wanted a committed relationship with me. Now the alcohol is deceiving him again and making him think he has to lay low and not have fun because of me. He wants me to go to work full time so he can run freely during the day. That would leave me coming home to an angry drunk every night, and it would be senseless to continue the relationship. He has an old girlfriend that's been in our life. She has decided to move to another state and is enticing him back into her life. So he is conflicted but won't tell me the truth, he just wants to blame me for not trusting him. When I came into his life, I had to break so many triangles with the women in his life and sort thru who were really just friends and who he had had romantic involvement with. I love him any way. I was so mad at him this time. Maybe I finally put the nail in the coffin and I won't hear from him again. I don't know, but right now my heart is so sad for the loss. Why can't I just let go, I have no marriage to him, I am free to go, but find it difficult. Who is going to help him when he finally drinks himself sick?

suki44883

Ugh...I remember someone very much like that from my past. At the time, I thought I was so lucky to have him. Wasn't long until I realized that the chase is what was important to him. Not me. Not some other woman. It was the challenge of the chase.

Let one of his other women help him when he drinks himself sick. Don't worry...he has plenty of them in the background. Save yourself.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as often as needed. We are here to support you.

I am sorry you're sad. I hope this new year brings you serenity.

dandylion

kmarie---I am soo sorry for the loss of your child. I know that this is one of the hardest losses in life to bear. Are you getting any sort of support for your grief??

You might be clinging to him for other things than "love"----you may be very vulnerable at this time. You need other people n ow--but, you sure don't need the likes of this jerk. He has n o respect for you--he is just feeding his own ego.

Someone else--some poor codie in his hoard for females will be happy to hold his hand and pat his brow. You need not waste your time worrying!!!

Ther is a book that might benefit you. It is written by Melody Beattie--the same one that wrote the popular classic "Co-dependent No More", that many people on this board have read. It is called "The Grief Club". You can get it at a reduced price on Amazon.com. I think you will find comfort in it. It is about how to get through all kinds of painful change in life.

sincerely,
dandylion

atalose

I am sorry you are going through grief from the ending of your relationship. Often we bargain in order NOT to feel our pain. We convince ourselves it wasn’t really that bad and we hold onto the fantasy expectations we had of a life with them.

I know this is NOT what you want to hear right now, but he did tell you exactly who and what he was – he wanted to drink and collect woman. And even though YOU were in a committed relationship it seems the only thing he truly could and can commit to is drinking and collecting woman.

Sorry about the loss of your child I’m sure this loss is compounding with that making it very difficult for you.

We can’t hold on to people who don’t want to be held……….try wrapping your mind around the facts and not the fantasy.

They are all wonderful terrific fantastic men if only_________________.

MissFixit

hi

i am sorry for your loss.

this man sounds like he has relationship issues even without the booze problems. some people like all the attention they get from multiple partners and they get high off it. but, it is never enough and they always seek more and more partners. perhaps, another addiction?

he is retired and wants you to work full time so he can see other women when you are busy at work? what a prize! please please love yourself enough to get away from him.

SparkleKitty

Is he really "a wonderful man"? In one short paragraph you let us know he is unsympathetic to your profound grief, has fantasies of being able to be with a lot of women, has been unable or unwilling to clearly define boundaries with his exes and the other women, and is an alcoholic. I am missing the "wonderful".

You ask who will take care of him when he one day, potentially, theoretically, drinks himself sick. May I ask, Who was taking care of YOU when you were grieving your child? That was real, it happened. You had a profound need, and he could not or would not meet it. Yes, he might drink himself sick one day, but from what you've offered, he frankly does not seem to have any trouble finding women to take care of him. Moving out was a tremendous step in the direction of empowerment and improved self-esteem. Keep going!

kmarie76

Thank you all. It's so confusing. He's been trying really hard not to stray, but he keeps at least one woman very close emotionally and she is a little older than us. It's hard because he helped me thru the tragedy and has taken care of me by taking me on trips, golfing, feeding me and more. It's just all so confusing. This kind caring man turns into someone else, then I don't know what is happening. He doesn't tell me whats going on in his mind that he wants more time to "fly" and see if I can work it out with him. He just finds something to accuse me and make me feel badly about myself. I already feel so bad. His words and promises to me don't match the boundaries he keeps redrawing. My biggest fear is that I will keep trying to get him to respond to me and work this out when I know he will do it when and how he wants to. And probably, after, he's gotten to run around for a while. But I don't get it, he is such a recluse. All he does is shop for his wine, play angry birds and watch tv if we aren't on a trip. His sober life is less than a 1/3 of his day, I guess he does feel a time crunch with me around. I don't get it, I am gone hours of his sober time, I've told him he can travel alone to see people if he wants, but he wants to "keep" me. I feel crazy, why did I leave? I need the moderate support he gave me but not the emotional abuse. The Push/Pull. It's crazy. I'll get the book, thanks so much.

AnvilheadII

When I came into his life, I had to break so many triangles with the women in his life and sort thru who were really just friends and who he had had romantic involvement with. I love him any way.

i'd give the above a real HARD look...it says a lot about you and your view of relationships, availability, and your own self worth.

YOU had to break the other relationships he had ONGOING in his life? why wasn't that a big RED FLAG???? we choose a partner who is completely unattached and emotionally available, not one who has MULTIPLE other people and partners with whom he is actively engaging.

this man "collects" women, likes to keep as many around as possible, in a scattered harem style, BECAUSE IT FEEDS HIS EGO. he's a horndog, as my husband would say. shallow and self absorbed.

you said his sober life is less than a third of his day. honey, that ain't SOBER, that's taking a break between drinking sessions. this guy really have so very little to offer you in any way that is meaningful or lasting. except maybe cash to fund trips etc. i hardly think that's worth the BS that comes with it.

whose gonna help him when the drink takes over? he can damn well help himself. he doesn't need a mommy or a nursemaid. it is NEVER our job to clean up after somebody else's self indulgence. or sit around and wait until they destroy their health. plus he has a good handful of other ladies in waiting, i doubt he'll be alone for more than 12 hours. please don't put guys like this on a pedestal, they are heartless cads thru and thru.

hopeful4

Amen Anvil! Well Said!

Stop looking at his boundaries and how he keeps redrawing them. What about your boundaries? YOU are in the power to form boundaries for yourself...and keep them. You cannot control his. Once you surrender to your own boundaries it is going to be such a relief. You are working so hard to control him and trying to get him to do the right things that it is wearing me out just reading about it. Let your mind and body rest. Stop letting him play the blame game. You are not crazy, you are trying to make a lazy addict who wants to do nothing but sit on his lazy addicted ass do the right thing. Stop it. Do the right thing for you! No one gets to "keep" you. You are a person with needs and emoations, not a possession to sit on a shelf, a nursemaid, his mother, keeper or anything else.

I am not trying to sound harsh, but sometimes the truth is harsh and we have to hear it.

kmarie76

Thanks, that's the whole issue, when he brought me into his life I was discovering all these other women, some he was upfront and said we good lifelong friends and as time has gone I have learned who is really a friend and I have spent time with them too. But there were a couple others that he hid more that he was intimate with but called friend, and still dabbled with on occasion. So he kept cutting me off from his computer etc. Thats why he got mad at me recently, because he left a page open on a trip and we were sharing the computer. I looked for 40 seconds and I became someone who doesn't trust him, because he saw it in the history. And I didn't see anything anyway, I didn't say anything, I was never upset. The last time we got back together, he promised the new foundation would be that all phone texts, and computer sites were open to me and it was open to have me ask and see. That shut down within 3 months. He said you just have to trust me, I can't live knowing you don't trust me. He believes if I look, that I don't trust him. He's called me insecure, a snoop, a b, crazy and the hardest woman he's ever had to deal with. I don't nag him. Once in a while I say no, that isn't going to work for us. So he feels hemmed in just by that. I thought maybe I could look the other way, after all he isn't having sex with any one else, I know that. It's just flirting I tell myself. He has tried really hard to just play video games and angry birds so he doesn't try to pick up anyone else online. But his old friend has decided to move and I think he whines that retirement just isn't what he wanted because of me. And I think he wants to strengthen their bond before she leaves so we or he can visit her. And she is a great person, even though I felt all year the first year I was struggling with her for him. AM I CRAZY??? Forgive me for going on. It's kind of good to read this myself LOL.

hopeful4

You are not crazy, but you may be burying your head in the sand. Proceed with caution. You say he is trying to play angry birds all day so he does not try to pick up anyone online?? What???

I would evaluate YOUR needs and ask yourself if he is going to ever be the person you can trust to fulfill them.

kmarie76

I am a bad communicator. right, what I meant to say was he plays games now instead of occupying his time looking around. to fill that space and to stay focused on one relationship. but what do I really know, he just likes to play games I guess.