I have just opened up my heart

Old 01-08-2014, 12:01 PM
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You will find most alcoholics cannot "moderate" their drinking for long.
I sure couldn't. I doubt it will stay out of the house for long once you ease up.

But you know what you can live with and what you can't.
Please take care of yourself and keep posting when needed
Best to you
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Old 01-08-2014, 12:04 PM
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I think I know that now, I really doubt that it will stay out of the house but do I have to see him fail before I leave. I suppose I have to give him a chance, anyway time will tell, writing on her helps me so much - thank you for sharing xxxx
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Old 01-08-2014, 12:20 PM
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I find it hard to believe this counselor can be object to each of your needs and treat the both of you at the same time.

Almost like a conflict of interest. Does she specialize in addiction? Is she a marriage counselor that the two of you have been seeing?
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Old 01-08-2014, 12:40 PM
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She does specialise in alcohol & drug addiction she also works with depression/anxiety and marriage counselling. and I went to her for myself to get my head around whats going on, I asked her if my h admits to a problem can he come see you, she gave me her card and my h rang her that nite and saw her the next day, she said the next session we can go together or I go by myself - whatever I would prefer. she does seem to know her stuff.
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Old 01-08-2014, 01:23 PM
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You don't have to do anything right now, today. There's a saying around AlAnon that's a twist on an old familiar saying..."Don't just do something...Stand there!" Meaning, we don't always have to figure it out all today. You're already doing the right thing. Going to Alanon and counseling. Stay on your path. Your husband will not be able to moderate, but it seems part of their process is to convince themselves they can. Time will tell the truth. I also agree that he is likely down playing his drinking to the counselor. A counselor told me that when an A tells you how much they drink, you can at least double it if you want to get closer to the truth. Don't worry about what he's saying or not saying. Stay focused on the steps you've taken to take care of you.
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Old 01-08-2014, 02:11 PM
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thanks recovering2 that does make total sense thank you. I guess ive gone back to my old thoughts im the mean wife the not nice person - because he has to stop social drinking as well as home, he has to go to counselling, he has to do all this for me or I leave - I guess im the mean one for making him choose between us and him wanting to have a drink with his friends every now and then as he seems to think it will be easy to staop at home.
anyway I will stop trying to do something and stand now - I get that fully now thanks for sharing
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Old 01-08-2014, 02:20 PM
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Hon, you're not making him do anything. If we could make other people do what we wanted them to, this forum wouldn't exist. Besides, choosing between his family and a drink with friends now and again should be a no-brainer, shouldn't it? For people without a drinking problem, it is! But that isn't the choice, really, is it? Because that occasional drink leads to more occasional drinks, to more "special occasions", etc., etc., then he's drinking at home "now and then", what difference does it really makes, until it all picks up again right where it left off.

You have the right to live the kind of life you want to live, and you never have to feel bad about it. You have the right to raise your kids the way you feel they should be raised, and you never have to feel bad about it.
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Old 01-08-2014, 03:40 PM
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I feel like im making him do it, as he said there is no way he wants me and kids to move out, so he has to look at his problem and do something about it or he will loose us.
thanks these post are helping me.
sometimes I think the hurts been done and its too late, even if he is sober. my head thinks its all my fault he has screwed my head up all these years that im a naggy wife and I believe that. deep down I think he thinks its my fault too.
even if he isn't an alcoholic and can have a drink at a party I wouldn't handle it. I just think negative, like I hate it, him his clothes his everything I actually think him being sober is not going to fix this. thanks again guys xx
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Old 01-08-2014, 03:46 PM
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When I find myself taking on the blame and guilt for things that are not really on my side of the street, it is usually because taking it on gives me the illusion that I am in any way in control of the situation. I don't know if that will resonate with you or not, but it is my ES&H so I will risk sharing it.

Sometimes we are just more comfortable when we think we are in control. And in this case feeling comfortable is not the same as feeling good...it comes closer to feeling grounded or safer. It is understandable...but these things he's going through...they are his to manage and decide. The best we can do is figure out what we are going to do regardless of where they land.
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Old 01-08-2014, 04:17 PM
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thanks again I 'think' I get your post.
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Old 01-10-2014, 12:52 AM
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He has been no drinking for 4 days, he seems very genuine (im sure its been said before...lol) he is seeing counsellor and has started a fitness challenge for 8 weeks.
Im noticing many things, like im wanting to cook dinner as its not going to be a drunk just inhaling it, he hangs out with me more, no recycling bin over flowing, no smelly bed and man with beer coming out his pores,
BUT im not in lala land I do know he will most likely slip up, time will tell.
Im doing good for myself, im putting me and kids first, im realising just how much I thought it was 'normal' when clearly it was not.
He is coping very well so far. I didn't realise how much anxiety I had subconsciously - like when the phone rang (my heart skipped a beat) I thought it would be him saying hes at his mates drinking, I was wrong.
When he ate dinner I wasn't bitter and annoyed at his chewing - it was sober chewing. Anyways time will tell Thanks for the support in here.
I don't seem to be so angry about past hurts (today anyway...)
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Old 01-10-2014, 10:11 PM
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I also find im having REALLY BAD anxiety when he is not home, thinking he has changed his mind and is drinking saying im fine I can handle not drinking or some other quake, still no drinking on day5.
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Old 01-11-2014, 12:12 AM
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I get anxiety when my hubby isn't home during the day. Mainly when he goes to the gym by himself and he takes longer to get home. I believe mine is from his accident. I'll call him and if he doesn't answer, it gets me. I have to breathe and talk myself out of a full blown panic attack.

I would caution you on expectations. I used to have high expectations with my husband and every single time, he has crushed me with his continued alcoholism. We live day to day. We don't think about tomorrow until tomorrow gets here. We just deal with today. It's not easy. This is a life time issue that is ingrained in them. My husband is 55 years old and he's been a little drunk since he was 13, minus 20 years of sobriety while his only son was growing up. When he tells you this is who he is, BELIEVE HIM! You guys are about to climb a MOUNTAIN!
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Old 01-11-2014, 11:52 PM
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Thanks, yes well my thinking is because he is handling not drinking so well and talking about all the positives, and how he isn't craving, and how he went out last night with friends and the kids and drove home was really good for him and he really wants to change, I am thinking maybe he isn't a tru alcoholic because he is handling it so well. the penny has dropped for him and he is genuine.
though today he was very grumpy and said something nasty to me he is sorry just saying he is sooo tired....we will see what time will do, gosh its hard though, and im thinking maybe I shouldn't go to al anon as he is not as bad as all the alcoholics I read about. grrrrr I wish I would over think every damn thing!!!!
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Old 01-12-2014, 01:04 PM
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johnno1, I think all of us here have seen our A's do exactly what you're describing. It is so very, very unlikely that he can just put the bottle down and miraculously turn into the man of your dreams, at least for any length of time.

You're right, time will tell.

And I would advocate still getting to Alanon b/c you'll need the tools and support you will get there when (and I do say when, not if) he returns to his old habits. What's the worst that can happen if you go? You spend an hour meeting some nice people and getting some insight on better ways to deal with life and its problems...not a waste of time, no matter what.
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Old 01-12-2014, 02:23 PM
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Thank you honeypig very much . really really helpful XX
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