"Don't just do something, stand there."
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"Don't just do something, stand there."
Can someone explain this to me, beyond the obvious meaning?
Along the course of AH's drunken escapades he told some people that I'm a liar. That makes me mad because I am NOT a liar. I told AH he needs to fix that now. He told me he'll fix it when he makes amends. No. Not good enough for me. Making amends is about him. This is about me. He dragged my name through the mud and I will not wait on his schedule to have it repaired. It needs to be fixed now. Does the above phrase apply to this? All he needs to do is tell people that he was mistaken when he told them I'm a liar, or whatever way he wants to word it. During his last (hopefully final) drunken episode he even texted my mom and told her I'm a liar. It's like everytime he drank he thought about the absolute worst thing he could say about me and then actually said it to someone.
Along the course of AH's drunken escapades he told some people that I'm a liar. That makes me mad because I am NOT a liar. I told AH he needs to fix that now. He told me he'll fix it when he makes amends. No. Not good enough for me. Making amends is about him. This is about me. He dragged my name through the mud and I will not wait on his schedule to have it repaired. It needs to be fixed now. Does the above phrase apply to this? All he needs to do is tell people that he was mistaken when he told them I'm a liar, or whatever way he wants to word it. During his last (hopefully final) drunken episode he even texted my mom and told her I'm a liar. It's like everytime he drank he thought about the absolute worst thing he could say about me and then actually said it to someone.
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Stung--from where I sit...it looks more like a boundary. If it is unacceptable for you to live with or be in a relationship with someone who has done defamation of character to you
(if this is what you consider this)---then, this is a boundary for you. It is up to him as to what he will do--it is up to you to enforce your boundary.
dandylion
(if this is what you consider this)---then, this is a boundary for you. It is up to him as to what he will do--it is up to you to enforce your boundary.
dandylion
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"Don't just do something, stand there."
To me, that means we don't have to jump up and rescue someone. When addicts (or anyone we care for, actually) get themselves into messes, many times, our first thought is how to fix it, when actually, it isn't our problem to fix.
To me, that means we don't have to jump up and rescue someone. When addicts (or anyone we care for, actually) get themselves into messes, many times, our first thought is how to fix it, when actually, it isn't our problem to fix.
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For me it means that I don't have to rush to any kind of action, that I can take my time to let emotion clear and think logically before acting.... Instead of just REacting. It allows me to take a step back and look at it in the big picture sense.
While you are absolutely entitled to be offended by his words and behavior, I don't think you can force his hand when it comes to making amends. IMO I think that couldn't end up being anything except a future resentment on his part.
While you are absolutely entitled to be offended by his words and behavior, I don't think you can force his hand when it comes to making amends. IMO I think that couldn't end up being anything except a future resentment on his part.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Stung--from where I sit...it looks more like a boundary. If it is unacceptable for you to live with or be in a relationship with someone who has done defamation of character to you
(if this is what you consider this)---then, this is a boundary for you. It is up to him as to what he will do--it is up to you to enforce your boundary.
dandylion
(if this is what you consider this)---then, this is a boundary for you. It is up to him as to what he will do--it is up to you to enforce your boundary.
dandylion
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I take it as rather than rush in and make a decision, I should wait. Wait to see how things unfold. Wait to see how things look after these immediate feelings pass. Wait to see what I want after I've worked on my own recovery. And, I think it's good advice for someone in your position (AH out of the house, you & your girls out of immediate harm.)
Even for someone in the position I'm in (need to get AH out for my kids' sake), it could still be applicable. Get him out, yes. But wait on divorce - give us time apart before making the decision. It's good advice, I think, not to rush into a permanent solution until we're feeling more clear-headed.
As for your AH, I'm sorry he hurt you. But, you know you can't make him apologize or make amends, right? Even if he did it now to appease you, it wouldn't be sincere. If he's dedicated to the 12 steps, he will get to it.
Sorry, Stung. I know you're hurting
Even for someone in the position I'm in (need to get AH out for my kids' sake), it could still be applicable. Get him out, yes. But wait on divorce - give us time apart before making the decision. It's good advice, I think, not to rush into a permanent solution until we're feeling more clear-headed.
As for your AH, I'm sorry he hurt you. But, you know you can't make him apologize or make amends, right? Even if he did it now to appease you, it wouldn't be sincere. If he's dedicated to the 12 steps, he will get to it.
Sorry, Stung. I know you're hurting
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It's like I feel fine and then I have to talk about it and I'm super pissed off all over again. You're right though. Making someone apologize is no different than them not apologizing at all. But I did get this from him a few hours later:
I am completely wrong in questioning your feelings in your recent texts. I am wrong. I am sorry for being wrong. I was short sighted in my responses. While it's important for me to live in the present; it is also important for me to remember the past and the pain that I caused. I am not who I have been. That is the most ridiculous sentence when I say it out loud, but it's true. I was asked by a guy in the group, 'what was your happiest memory?' I said "meeting my wife halfway through her marathon and running alongside of her for 50 feet." He said, 'were you drunk?'. "No," I replied. Then he asked, 'what was your worst memory?'. I said, "I get it. Thank you."
I am completely wrong in questioning your feelings in your recent texts. I am wrong. I am sorry for being wrong. I was short sighted in my responses. While it's important for me to live in the present; it is also important for me to remember the past and the pain that I caused. I am not who I have been. That is the most ridiculous sentence when I say it out loud, but it's true. I was asked by a guy in the group, 'what was your happiest memory?' I said "meeting my wife halfway through her marathon and running alongside of her for 50 feet." He said, 'were you drunk?'. "No," I replied. Then he asked, 'what was your worst memory?'. I said, "I get it. Thank you."
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It does sound like progress to me, Stung. But, then, my AH still does not acknowledge that he has a drinking problem, so what do I know? At any rate, I think your plan to keep him out of the house for now is a decent one. Does the counselor you're going to see specialize in addictions/alcoholism?
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Counseling is next Wednesday, which cannot get here soon enough. Yes, she's a marriage and family therapist that focuses on addictions. I'm really hoping she'll give me some guidance on what I'm supposed to be doing to make this process easier.
And then my mom just texted me and said he sent this to her. THIS is what I wanted. Because all of the normies aka everyone we know, think that I'm to blame because he told them so.
I take it you talked to Xxx:
Xxx, I want to make sure it's clear that the issues between xxx and me are my fault. I drank and abused her through fighting and saying awful things to her in front of our girls. Xxx has supported me through all of this. I have lied to her about my drinking and I have made people think that our fights were her fault. They were not. They were my fault. Xxx is an honest, loving, compassionate, and loyal mother and wife. It is a blessing from God that she is in my life. Regardless, of how difficult, I have made things, I am grateful to have her in my life. That all goes for you too.
And then my mom just texted me and said he sent this to her. THIS is what I wanted. Because all of the normies aka everyone we know, think that I'm to blame because he told them so.
I take it you talked to Xxx:
Xxx, I want to make sure it's clear that the issues between xxx and me are my fault. I drank and abused her through fighting and saying awful things to her in front of our girls. Xxx has supported me through all of this. I have lied to her about my drinking and I have made people think that our fights were her fault. They were not. They were my fault. Xxx is an honest, loving, compassionate, and loyal mother and wife. It is a blessing from God that she is in my life. Regardless, of how difficult, I have made things, I am grateful to have her in my life. That all goes for you too.
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just curious....why do you care so much what he said to whomever while he was drunk? whether he claimed you were a liar or the queen of Persia.....anyone who would take what a drunk says with any degree of seriousness really isn't someone whose opinion of us should matter!
what others think of me is not my problem.
what others think of me is not my problem.
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Because I know that, you know that. But we also know that this board exists and that alcoholics are liars and manipulative and will do anything to keep their addictions protected when someone (me) threatens it. No one else we associate with know these things and they believe his crap. I care. These people are/were my friends and my in-laws and my mom. I care despite my not wanting to. It's difficult to not care.
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My recent XABF has told bad things about me to his friends & probably family since we've know each other. I once looked in his phone & saw an email to an old gf from long ago (they were just friends when I read this btw) that I was crazy & that I stalked him at night & would knock on his door at nght & that his dad had to get a shotgun to chase me away LOL which was complete BS! Since we split up 4 months ago, i've noticed that his friend has defriended me from FB for no reason I can think of. I can't imagine what he's told them about me so far :/ It hurts & also angers me to no end when I think about it. HE is the addict with problems bigger than any I have. HE was the one stealing jewelry & things from his mom's house while he would visit her. He is the one that emotionally & sometimes verbally abused me whilst high on pills or drunk off his ass. Why I loved him I'll never know & more importantly why I'm STILL having trouble getting over the break up I'll never know :/ From what I can see, these addicts talk smack on others bc of the immense guilt & shame they feel from using.....
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Originally Posted by Stung
Can someone explain this to me, beyond the obvious meaning?
I get where you are coming from with AH calling you a liar...honesty is one of my core values as well, and when it is violated it hurts a LOT. Have you considered writing a "No Send" letter? You write a letter to someone & get all your thoughts/feelings/etc. out about the past hurts but you don't actually pass it on...I have several for RAH and a few for one of his enablers.
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Have you considered writing a "No Send" letter? You write a letter to someone & get all your thoughts/feelings/etc. out about the past hurts but you don't actually pass it on...I have several for RAH and a few for one of his enablers.
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