why cant i leave?????
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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why cant i leave?????
Another year of heartache of being in love with my AGF is behind me. 2013 SUCKED, rehab, multiple relapses, multiple detox's, DHR, DUI, Losing custody of her kids, failed mandatory testing, IOP, lost license. I have been with her for years but i cant have another year like this, Im feeling so lost. I have been going to Al Anon. She is at her IOP meeting now after spending the last 2 days drunk. I am just feeling so alone and broken hearted, i have to stop hoping that things will improve. Sorry just venting
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Wes, dunno for you, but what I am finding is there is a World of Difference between just going to Alanon . . . and really working the program.
If this is not taking hold and (re)directing your heart, mind, and soul . . . I would suggest fully working the program. Sponsor, Steps, all that.
Of course it has taken me 4 years to get to this point. Your mileage may vary.
If this is not taking hold and (re)directing your heart, mind, and soul . . . I would suggest fully working the program. Sponsor, Steps, all that.
Of course it has taken me 4 years to get to this point. Your mileage may vary.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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love does not equal heartache. from what you describe, things really couldn't get much WORSE......for her. especially the part about losing custody of her own children. and it doesn't sound like that even slowed her down much.
what DOES hold you back? why is it you NEED her to get better? when that seems an extremely remote possiblity? when did you shift this from being about YOU and your health and sanity to her? and how can you get that back?
what DOES hold you back? why is it you NEED her to get better? when that seems an extremely remote possiblity? when did you shift this from being about YOU and your health and sanity to her? and how can you get that back?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I'm sorry things are so bad, and they sound very very bad.
I couldn't leave because I wasn't giving myself permission to leave. Not really, not under it all. It was a choice I gave to everyone else (and said I gave myself) but in reality I had removed it from my menu of options. I had a variety of reasons (that weren't all clear to me until later) that would not be your reasons. Yours are for you to discover.
What keeps you bound to her? Why aren't you giving yourself permission to leave?
I did finally leave when I came to a place where I was faced with the realization that if I didn't leave I would lose myself forever. I was turning into a person I did not know, did not like, did not respect. I was getting lost in an ocean of resentment and blackness and I had to step out of it.
I had children that needed me. They needed me more than he did. They needed me more than I needed to save him. And I really needed/wanted to save him. They needed me more than I needed the fairy tale - and I really wanted the fairy tale. I had to accept that for me personally - I could not be what they needed (or come back to the person I was/am) until I came back from the horrible place I had disappeared into. I could not stay inside that relationship any longer. It was not easy but it was worth it.
I couldn't leave because I wasn't giving myself permission to leave. Not really, not under it all. It was a choice I gave to everyone else (and said I gave myself) but in reality I had removed it from my menu of options. I had a variety of reasons (that weren't all clear to me until later) that would not be your reasons. Yours are for you to discover.
What keeps you bound to her? Why aren't you giving yourself permission to leave?
I did finally leave when I came to a place where I was faced with the realization that if I didn't leave I would lose myself forever. I was turning into a person I did not know, did not like, did not respect. I was getting lost in an ocean of resentment and blackness and I had to step out of it.
I had children that needed me. They needed me more than he did. They needed me more than I needed to save him. And I really needed/wanted to save him. They needed me more than I needed the fairy tale - and I really wanted the fairy tale. I had to accept that for me personally - I could not be what they needed (or come back to the person I was/am) until I came back from the horrible place I had disappeared into. I could not stay inside that relationship any longer. It was not easy but it was worth it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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Why haven't you left already? That's the thing I keep asking myself. Why am I still here? So many of our answers are the same, so many are different. For me, I'm still here because change scares the #$@# out of me! I may not be happy with my current circumstances but at least I know what to expect (more pain, more stress, more anxiety.) I also do not like to fail. Leaving feels like failure. There's also my faith. My delusions that I'm depriving my children of their father (when in reality the dysfunction of our present situation is more harmful than separation likely will be.) And, finally, because I don't want to be alone. It took a lot of soul searching for me to admit the last reason to myself. I pride myself on being self-sufficient. I think really, honestly examining my reasons for staying was the last hurdle I needed to clear to prepare myself to leave. Now, it's just waiting for the right timing to have "the talk."
Those are my reasons, what are yours? Why haven't you left yet?
Those are my reasons, what are yours? Why haven't you left yet?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I have not left yet (although I am in the steps of prepration) for a couple reasons. The most recent being I am afraid AH is suicidal. I also have not left yet because it forces ME to make changes, and change is scary no matter who you are. I know it will happen soon. Part of me dreads it, part of me cannot wait.
My friend had a husband that had a mental disorder that stopped taking his meds and began drinking when she left him. He did crazy things and eventually committed suicide. This scares the pants off of me. She has two lovely kids and they have went through such a horrible time. I guess I just want to make sure my AH is stable before I go down that path.
Hugs. When you are ready you will know. Until then, take the steps you need to detatch and prepare.
My friend had a husband that had a mental disorder that stopped taking his meds and began drinking when she left him. He did crazy things and eventually committed suicide. This scares the pants off of me. She has two lovely kids and they have went through such a horrible time. I guess I just want to make sure my AH is stable before I go down that path.
Hugs. When you are ready you will know. Until then, take the steps you need to detatch and prepare.
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Posting this question, not to hijack this thread, but to address an issue that I think is close to the OP's question. Once you have made the decision to leave and you are trying to figure out the right time/way to have the discussion, how do you continue to live with your H? My AH wants to cuddle or talk about"our future" in between rants, and I just can't stand to be around him at the moment.
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Originally Posted by Wes58 
Another year of heartache of being in love with my AGF is behind me. 2013 SUCKED, rehab, multiple relapses, multiple detox's, DHR, DUI, Losing custody of her kids, failed mandatory testing, IOP, lost license. I have been with her for years but i cant have another year like this, Im feeling so lost. I have been going to Al Anon. She is at her IOP meeting now after spending the last 2 days drunk. I am just feeling so alone and broken hearted, i have to stop hoping that things will improve. Sorry just venting
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Yurt, we had a very serious talk aboutt boundaries and that i need space. There are some tense moments but honestly im not home much. My two daughters are super busy and i take them to everything by choice, so that plays a part.
Originally Posted by Yurt
Posting this question, not to hijack this thread, but to address an issue that I think is close to the OP's question. Once you have made the decision to leave and you are trying to figure out the right time/way to have the discussion, how do you continue to live with your H? My AH wants to cuddle or talk about"our future" in between rants, and I just can't stand to be around him at the moment.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thank you everyone for the support. Chantal88 she went away for 30 days. She had this moment of clarity on thursday and called her IOP counseler and admitted that she had been lying and not working the program at all, drinking etc etc. She begged me to not leave her that she understood and it was clicking for her. That lasted about 1 day, she went to her first AA meeting in about 8 months last night and stopped to buy wine and get drunk after, called me the usual names and told me to get out of her life, nothing new there.
I dont want to say that i dont care what happens with her because I do, but she is on a path of self destruction that only she can stop and at this point i dont think she can. I love her but i cant keep loving her at my own expense. So my New Years Resolution is to get my focus back on me and work my program. I also will not beat myself up for all of the years spent in this relationship, i have learned so much about myself. Thanks again everyone for your insight.
I dont want to say that i dont care what happens with her because I do, but she is on a path of self destruction that only she can stop and at this point i dont think she can. I love her but i cant keep loving her at my own expense. So my New Years Resolution is to get my focus back on me and work my program. I also will not beat myself up for all of the years spent in this relationship, i have learned so much about myself. Thanks again everyone for your insight.
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Originally Posted by Wes58
called me the usual names and told me to get out of her life, nothing new there.
You may want to consider taking the Exit.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by Yurt
Posting this question, not to hijack this thread, but to address an issue that I think is close to the OP's question. Once you have made the decision to leave and you are trying to figure out the right time/way to have the discussion, how do you continue to live with your H? My AH wants to cuddle or talk about"our future" in between rants, and I just can't stand to be around him at the moment.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thanks for the post recovering2 and hammer, i have been living on hope of a future but after today i can see there isnt much left. I am going to start taking care of me and that is a scary and unsettling feeling, but im sure i can do it.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by Wes58
Another year of heartache of being in love with my AGF is behind me. 2013 SUCKED, rehab, multiple relapses, multiple detox's, DHR, DUI, Losing custody of her kids, failed mandatory testing, IOP, lost license. I have been with her for years but i cant have another year like this, Im feeling so lost. I have been going to Al Anon. She is at her IOP meeting now after spending the last 2 days drunk. I am just feeling so alone and broken hearted, i have to stop hoping that things will improve. Sorry just venting
Peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Well, I have left. after the last 2 days of complete chaos, her going out drinking last night and not coming home and telling me today that she is never going to stop drinking. Yesterday and today were two very crazy but amazing days for me. I had such an amazing day today reconnecting with my higher power. All i can say is that an actual miracle happened today. I have not been able to break the hold this woman has had over me for so long, but i truly let go and let god today and something happened. I am calm, not angry or upset. I know I have done the right thing and i am so proud of myself for not falling back into that toxic relationship like i have so many times over and over again. I can breathe for the first time in many years, Thanks again everyone for the kind words.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Well done Wes! You are finally taking care of you.
Be very aware that she may try to suck you back in to her crazy vortex
when she realizes you really have left. That's a common pattern.
Addicts use people,
and she may find things like paying rent and bills alone, cooking, cleaning
and caring for herself are the unpleasant "realities" you have been protecting her from.
Best to you and your happy future.
I hope you keep working on your own co-dependency issues (many of us here have them) so that you "pick" your relationships more wisely in the future
Be very aware that she may try to suck you back in to her crazy vortex
when she realizes you really have left. That's a common pattern.
Addicts use people,
and she may find things like paying rent and bills alone, cooking, cleaning
and caring for herself are the unpleasant "realities" you have been protecting her from.
Best to you and your happy future.
I hope you keep working on your own co-dependency issues (many of us here have them) so that you "pick" your relationships more wisely in the future
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