why cant i leave?????
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Wes...
I'm sorry you are going through this and it sucks.
A couple thoughts for you and maybe something clicks.
First - you asked a tough question - Why can't you leave? and it sounds like you are beating yourself up pretty well. I'd suggest thinking through the words you are telling yourself becomes sometimes we tend to be rougher on ourselves than we ought to be.
You can leave today, you could have left last week but for reasons that only you can know (and you might not, might never) leaving is worse (more frightening?) than staying. Alcoholics tend to enter recovery for real - not forced, not to get out of trouble but REALLY commit to it only once alcohol is hurting more than the fear of giving it up. What about us? What are your fears? I was afraid that my wife's drinking would destroy my career but that wasn't enough. I was afraid that if I wasn't there to take care of (enable) her then she'd drink herself to death, that she might hurt herself if I added to the terrible sadness and depression she had descended into.
Why was the nth time I said she needed a hospital and she refused not enough to make me say 'enough' but the nth+1 pushed me over? I don't recall really. A combination of fear and exhaustion I think but I remember the words and so does she "I love you too much to watch you die". THAT day was 742 days ago when I hit 'rock bottom' and it was a choice between the hospital or dropping her with a relative at 3am and she said no to the hospital. Her rock bottom was about 8 hours later when she realized that she had now lost everything and she was so sad she remembers it as a physical pain. She went to her first AA meeting that night and had a slip 9 months into sobriety but then she stopped going to aa and started working AA on her own, for herself and not because I was up her rectum about it - by then I had learned to leave her recovery to her and just stick to the choice I made 742 days ago - I won't live with an actively drinking alcoholic, period, end of discussion. Why couldn't I make that choice 745 or 785 days ago? I could have, but I wasn't ready to. I had all the same information but I hadn't given up.
I guess that story would be more impressive if I had somehow found inner strength and overcame my desperate need to save her and had an epiphany about how tough love would save her life but unfortunately that story would be ********. I broke. I resigned myself to the fact that this woman I adored was going to die and there was no way I could stop her - all that was left was to make sure my teenager did not see it and that I did not have to come home and call the coroner because I was pretty sure that would have broken me beyond repair.
She hated me for it almost as much as I hated myself and while she says now and I agree that I tripped over the one thing I could do to help her (ripping the rug out from under her feet and leaving her feeling as though the one person who would never abandon her had).
742 days ago I could because I was out of ideas. 743 days ago i could not because I did not know it yet but I had to find one more bottle, catch her sneaking one more drink and having her refuse help one more time but I didn't know that until I knew that.
Over the past month 4 of her friends in recovery relapsed, three badly. It brought back some bad memories because she's 'one of us' now - feeling horrible because she can't help them and guilty because she can't risk having anything to do with them unless and until they find their way back to the meetings.
One of their husbands called me this morning because he's away and she was using and threatening suicide so he called 911 and he was in tears because he can't handle much more of this. Can he leave? Sure he can. And so can you and so could I have 743 days except... 743 days ago I wasn't there and 742 days ago I was and 741 days ago I felt like a maggot until around 720 days ago when I welcomed her home on the condition that she could be here or she could drink but the choice I made 742 days ago stands. Today we have extra insurance and a 'plan' if things go wrong but I don't let it worry me because I am able to choose not to worry. 365 days ago I was still obsessing over it.
You can't until you can then you do and saving yourself wins out over saving someone who won't grab the rope.
So... How about you let up on yourself a bit and don't kick your own ass for being a human being who doesn't operate with perfect logic when he's heartbroken and grief stricken?
Hugs my brother. Been there, done that, not fun.
I'm sorry you are going through this and it sucks.
A couple thoughts for you and maybe something clicks.
First - you asked a tough question - Why can't you leave? and it sounds like you are beating yourself up pretty well. I'd suggest thinking through the words you are telling yourself becomes sometimes we tend to be rougher on ourselves than we ought to be.
You can leave today, you could have left last week but for reasons that only you can know (and you might not, might never) leaving is worse (more frightening?) than staying. Alcoholics tend to enter recovery for real - not forced, not to get out of trouble but REALLY commit to it only once alcohol is hurting more than the fear of giving it up. What about us? What are your fears? I was afraid that my wife's drinking would destroy my career but that wasn't enough. I was afraid that if I wasn't there to take care of (enable) her then she'd drink herself to death, that she might hurt herself if I added to the terrible sadness and depression she had descended into.
Why was the nth time I said she needed a hospital and she refused not enough to make me say 'enough' but the nth+1 pushed me over? I don't recall really. A combination of fear and exhaustion I think but I remember the words and so does she "I love you too much to watch you die". THAT day was 742 days ago when I hit 'rock bottom' and it was a choice between the hospital or dropping her with a relative at 3am and she said no to the hospital. Her rock bottom was about 8 hours later when she realized that she had now lost everything and she was so sad she remembers it as a physical pain. She went to her first AA meeting that night and had a slip 9 months into sobriety but then she stopped going to aa and started working AA on her own, for herself and not because I was up her rectum about it - by then I had learned to leave her recovery to her and just stick to the choice I made 742 days ago - I won't live with an actively drinking alcoholic, period, end of discussion. Why couldn't I make that choice 745 or 785 days ago? I could have, but I wasn't ready to. I had all the same information but I hadn't given up.
I guess that story would be more impressive if I had somehow found inner strength and overcame my desperate need to save her and had an epiphany about how tough love would save her life but unfortunately that story would be ********. I broke. I resigned myself to the fact that this woman I adored was going to die and there was no way I could stop her - all that was left was to make sure my teenager did not see it and that I did not have to come home and call the coroner because I was pretty sure that would have broken me beyond repair.
She hated me for it almost as much as I hated myself and while she says now and I agree that I tripped over the one thing I could do to help her (ripping the rug out from under her feet and leaving her feeling as though the one person who would never abandon her had).
742 days ago I could because I was out of ideas. 743 days ago i could not because I did not know it yet but I had to find one more bottle, catch her sneaking one more drink and having her refuse help one more time but I didn't know that until I knew that.
Over the past month 4 of her friends in recovery relapsed, three badly. It brought back some bad memories because she's 'one of us' now - feeling horrible because she can't help them and guilty because she can't risk having anything to do with them unless and until they find their way back to the meetings.
One of their husbands called me this morning because he's away and she was using and threatening suicide so he called 911 and he was in tears because he can't handle much more of this. Can he leave? Sure he can. And so can you and so could I have 743 days except... 743 days ago I wasn't there and 742 days ago I was and 741 days ago I felt like a maggot until around 720 days ago when I welcomed her home on the condition that she could be here or she could drink but the choice I made 742 days ago stands. Today we have extra insurance and a 'plan' if things go wrong but I don't let it worry me because I am able to choose not to worry. 365 days ago I was still obsessing over it.
You can't until you can then you do and saving yourself wins out over saving someone who won't grab the rope.
So... How about you let up on yourself a bit and don't kick your own ass for being a human being who doesn't operate with perfect logic when he's heartbroken and grief stricken?
Hugs my brother. Been there, done that, not fun.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Wes - We're here to provide as much support as we can. Going through a breakup can be hard enough without the complication and confusion that comes with addiction.
I hope you're able to use this time to reflect, get support and strengthen yourself.
Hugs,
Chantal
I hope you're able to use this time to reflect, get support and strengthen yourself.
Hugs,
Chantal
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