patientlywaitin

I don't see a problem with leaving the window open, if that's what you want, it appears to let things unfold more naturally then forced... Do as I say, when I say, how I say or I take it all away. Then again I never seperated from my RAH. He's pulling double duty, working on himself, work, school and AA then attempting to work on us, it is a slow and tedious process and to be honest some days I know I am not a priority. Which is where I can understand how physical seperation would expedite the self care aspect. (My biggest dilemma) that isn't the only positive... After living the last 13mo in our beautiful chaos I can see where some time apart would have helped more than hurt.

Either way it isn't easy. Is anything worth having ever easy? There are ups and downs, plateus and valleys. None of which either of you will conquer over night, a week, 6mo... Such is life. I completely understand your desire for normalcy! I need that to but I'm beginning to see that the only thing that is normal for me is that:
1) my 4kids are always and will be hungry
2) there's never enough time in a day
3) the laundry reproduces when I'm not looking
4) cleaning fairies are a figment of my imagination

None of those things have anything to do with my H. So even tho he is here at least once a day, he isn't normal to me. Sobriety and recovery didn't make him normal, it has made him so much better than he was but he changes. Sometimes he's better, sometimes he fluctuates. Not only is he a RA but he's human to.

The only advice I can give is to give it time. Start a new normal for you if you "need" it. Like getting a pedicure or reading to your kids at bedtime (mine love it even at 12!) volunteer, whatever you enjoy.

Stung

Lol Patiently Waiting, normal left the building about a year ago. But I don't think things will ever be "normal" again. Even in the very best case scenario, my husband won't ever be able to share a bottle of wine with me, toast on our wedding anniversaries, toast when our daughters get married. I have a very nice bottle of wine that a friend gave to us on our wedding day that we're supposed to share together if things are looking bad and remember why we got married in the first place. I'll only ever drink that bottle alone now. The irony is that if he ever did drink that wine our marriage would be OVER. Normal is gone where he is concerned.

I need to start making my life normal too, slowly but surely I'll get there and having him physically away is going to help tremendously. If he wants to be with me then he needs to date me and treat me the way that any other man would have to. He's at square one as far as I'm concerned...actually slightly less than square one because I would NEVER EVER date an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic.

dandylion

Stung---It has been said over and over...by those who have lots of experience in this business---that those marriages that stand the best chance of making it are those where both parties work a dilligent program at the same time.

I figure that they must have a good reason to keep saying that.....

dandylion

JustAGirl1971

But, Stung, does it really matter what we toast with? Why can't we still toast anniversaries, and our children's special occasions? It's just a drink. At midnight, NYE, I was surrounded by teens. We toasted with sparkling cider, sparkling grape juice, and water for me It was fun.

IDK, I didn't come in her to give any advice. I'm not in a position to do so - my marriage is probably ending. My AH is happily drinking again (yes, he's quite happy about it at the moment. It's weird. If I didn't know better, the marked improvement in his mood since he started openly drinking again would make me think he's bipolar!)

What I came for is to thank you for this post. There's a wealth of information contained in these pages that's applicable to all of us, I think. Regardless of whether we stay with or leave our AHs, something applies. So, thank you, your story is helping me The major take away for me is to stop focusing on what might/might not be and just focus on getting myself healthy.

Blessings for you & your daughters. I hope 2014 turns out to be a wonderful year for you!

Stung

JustAGirl, no it doesn't matter what he toasts with. It's a frivolous bratty thing for me to complain about but it's also not "normal" that my husband suddenly can't do those things with me because he cannot control himself. And I'm very sorry that things aren't working in your marriage. Sending you hugs!

Dandy, I'm working my way over to helping myself too because that's what is best for me and my girls. I have zero doubts that I have picked up some really nasty habits from living with an alcoholic. The counselor I'm meeting with next week is an addiction specialist so I'm hoping she'll give me an idea of how I can start emotionally improving myself.

JustAGirl1971

It's ok Stung. I've been known to act like a brat on occasion, too I do understand where you're coming from. AH has been so happy and funny since he started drinking again that I couldn't help thinking that I like him better drinking than sober!

Stung

Ugh...I just told my best friend what's been going on. It makes me hate AH. She's shocked. Had no clue. Not even a hint that anything was wrong. I told her what MIL said, that his friends and family have all ignored me when I reached out to them. She's floored.

I can't believe I've allowed myself to be treated this way. That's why I'm ashamed. And I didn't even tell her the really bad stuff.

JustAGirl1971

You have nothing to be ashamed of Stung.

Hammer

Yep. Me, too, on that part.

But as for you . . . Well you sure have stopped, now.

Admire you on that.

hopeful4

The more people you open up to the better you will feel from genuine support

FireSprite

When RAH & talked about his recent stay in our county jail (when I actually started talking to him again that is), at one point he was trying to explain to me how he had started to truly understand humility, living in such a harsh, often violent, environment with not so much as the privacy of a bathroom door.

I laughed out loud! I said, "Really?? You think THAT'S humiliating? You had to take a dump in front of a group of strangers in an extremely uncomfortable environment? I got to experience humiliation by telling our closest friends & family how you betrayed me, deceived me and hurt our family over many years AND see the look of shock & surprise in their expressions while they learned the truth. And then LEAN on those people for support!" Yeah, let's talk about humilation buddy.

That was one of those conversations where I saw the light bulb aha moment trigger for him, he had seriously not ever thought about the depth of the "little things" like that.