Pia

So ive been waiting for AH to come home so we can go get fireworks so I called him to see where he was. He lied and told me he was just getting off work and was going to pick up his truck. (I found out he had another vehicle he kept at his family house after following him no wonder he is always broke). I had tracked him earlier just for kicks to see where he was and low and behold he wasn't at work he was at his family house doing drugs and who knows what else. Ok I have kept my mouth shut for about 2 months or so everyday he calls and lies and tells me he is at work (trying to mind my own business and just whatever keep in mind I am picking my battles since I do not have a job.)
However, when he lied to me for some reason I exploded and told him I knew he wasn't at work and proceeded to ask him why he continues to lie to me when I know the truth. (I already explained to him to tell me when he gets off of work and let me know where he is just in case I need to get a hold of him instead in the past when he would let the phone go to vm.) anyways I told him to man up since he was man enough to do this behind my back he can man up and tell me the truth, tell me the truth about EVERYTHING. Just tell me the freaking truth whether I agree with it or not.
He then proceeded to tell me he would be home and the we are going to "talk".
Here is what is going on in my head. I woke up almost in tears this morning and have had a bad feeling as if something was going to happen today. I don't believe in everything happens for a reason but could this really be it? I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I don't care that it is new years eve. I am just wanting to end this cycle of misery and feeling like i'm being held back from myself. I know he isn't going to say I need help or I have a problem. I'm 100% he wants to leave and will tell me and I am really fine with that.
Any advice how to handle the situation since he will be on drugs and I'm sure drunk? Oh how I wish he would get pulled over before he gets home.

Yurt

Please call a friend and have them available in case your AH gets physical. You can handle everything else. Just be safe!!

ladyscribbler

What if you didn't have a confrontation tonight while he's under the influence? I know you're upset, but a "discussion" right now will probably not be very productive. You could just pack him a bag and leave it on the porch since he already has someplace else to stay and two vehicles to get there. Write him a note and leave it in the bag if you have something to get off your chest.
Best wishes and Happy New Year.

Pia

Good point I didn't think of that. I am fine now if he says he wants to leave I don't need a screaming match. I got upset that he lied. I have come to the conclusion what ever he says will be a lie probably. But I like your idea if he gets to mad I will use my technique I learned and tell him I don't want to talk any further and he can leave tonight if he wants.

Hawkeye13

Yes, a talk in the morning would be better if he's using right now.
On your terms, not when he proclaims it's going to happen. . .

Pia

Hi everyone so he came home and is acting like nothing so i'm going with the flow.

Pia

Husband strikes again. He were hanginf out new people we don't know and I couldn't find husband then I caught him walking off with some girl. Turns out they were doing weed. I lost it we left. W
He blamed me told him I didn't know and he had no right to leave and walk off and leave me with people I didn't know. Its not like they are family or long time friends. But every thing is my fault. We came home and decided to end it.

suki44883

End the relationship? Doesn't sound like too bad of a deal for you. You deserve better than what he offers. If I were you, I'd consider myself lucky and move on to greener pastures.

Pia

Thank you. I saw it with my two eyes he walking off with a girl. He blamed me tells me he takes full responsibily and I will never understand

honeypig

None of this behavior should be a surprise, given what you've posted earlier. Just b/c you now KNOW about what he's been up to surely doesn't mean that his actions are going to change one bit. "Stirring the pot" likely won't do any good for either of you--sounds more like an attempt to control or hurt him. It surely won't control him, and it seems the only person it has hurt is you.

One of the things people say here frequently when an A behaves this way is that he's showing you who he is, and that you should believe him. If you still have any doubts, this should help to erase them.

This is a lot for you to take in, and it's going to take time for you to process, grieve, rage and ultimately heal. However, continuing to poke it with a stick, stir the pot, muddy the waters, whatever term we use, is not going to help you. If I'm not mistaken, you've said several times that you're going to leave. Putting your anger and energy into making that new life for yourself would be so much more productive than continuing to pick at the wound. Let him continue down his road to self-destruction. He'll get there soon enough on his own. You just take care of you. Remember, there is no revenge like a life well lived...

Pia

Thank you.

Lyssy

Are you doing ok this morning? You are correct. You deserve better.

Here is to a better new year. A new beginning!

Stung

You definitely deserve better but it sounds like you have been emotionally ready to end things anyway.

Pia

I slept great in my bed, he choose the recliner. I got up went to the gym to clear my mind and get some perspective on the situation.i also just finished reading my codependent book and did some activitiee.
Im upset the image of watching him walk away following a girl in a room is engraved in my brain. He said there was other people there too.
Ive never seen that before and refuse to be disrespected like that. He said it was my fault and then later said he takes full responsibility for it which means nothing. I told him I was
would never walk off with another man especially someone I just met. I told him to get his dog and go but he's still here sulking,
I met another wife whos husband is a recovering A .we talked some I enjoyed her but she looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on her. I dont want that for me. I gave her a big hug and told her I understand

Pia

Thank you, I firmly believe this is what broke the camel back, I cant even go to a gathering and enjoy myself. Im not a babysitter. I was having such a good time until I noticed he wasn't wi th the guys

Pia

Well he is gone he left. I found this on the substance abusers site. This make so much sense.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon
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Hawkeye13

Hi liloleme;

I know this is a hard time but it will get better.

Please take care of yourself and it really seems like you are finding many resources to educate yourself about addiction.
That will only help you make wise choices and not take things as personally.

I used to take everything my alcoholic mother did so personally I was sick with it.
Only much much later did I come to see she had a problem and that was where her main focus and pain was.

It didn't fix things, but I did feel better.

Best to you