Long lunch/chat with AH -- lips not sewn shut anymore
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Long lunch/chat with AH -- lips not sewn shut anymore
It's got home from a long lunch prompted by AH. He wanted to know why was up w/me knowing that I must be very unhappy. So I let the cat out of the bag. I told him I made boundaries but that they were for me and my sanity and not for him. He asked what they are so I told him that 1) under no circumstance is he to drive our sons anywhere, not even sober because if the consequences of him getting caught doing so w/o a license. 2) he is to get help, no ifs and or buts. 3) no more drinking, period, I'm done with the anxiety of everything.
He asked if too much damage has been done that things can't be repaired and I answered as honestly as I could, I hoped so but it will never be repaired unless he changes & actively gets help to abstain. I told him what a miracle it was he hasn't been hurt or hurt someone else by drinking & driving and that if the inevitable happens as he progressively gets worse it will ruin our family as well as someone innocent. I told him no scenario with alcohol will ever be good--ever-- and I'm done w/it. He asked me if I want to separate and I said if he crosses a boundary I've set for myself that yes, we will.
Later in the conversation he let me know I've been mean to him. I said I probably have because I've been his secret keeper holding all this in and every once in a while some of it comes uncorked. Told him I don't want to live like that anymore, that I grew up in dysfunction and don't want I live it any longer.
I may be leaving something out but that's the gist of it. If there are typos I apologize, thumbs are flying on the iphone.
He asked if too much damage has been done that things can't be repaired and I answered as honestly as I could, I hoped so but it will never be repaired unless he changes & actively gets help to abstain. I told him what a miracle it was he hasn't been hurt or hurt someone else by drinking & driving and that if the inevitable happens as he progressively gets worse it will ruin our family as well as someone innocent. I told him no scenario with alcohol will ever be good--ever-- and I'm done w/it. He asked me if I want to separate and I said if he crosses a boundary I've set for myself that yes, we will.
Later in the conversation he let me know I've been mean to him. I said I probably have because I've been his secret keeper holding all this in and every once in a while some of it comes uncorked. Told him I don't want to live like that anymore, that I grew up in dysfunction and don't want I live it any longer.
I may be leaving something out but that's the gist of it. If there are typos I apologize, thumbs are flying on the iphone.
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Katchie,
You must feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I have to imagine that it will be easier to talk to your H from here on out. This was the tough one.
I am still struggling to have a similar discussion, although I think that my struggle stems from the fact that I feel like I can't go back to the way we were, years ago. Although, you might still expect some bumps in the road, at least you have made the first step.
You must feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I have to imagine that it will be easier to talk to your H from here on out. This was the tough one.
I am still struggling to have a similar discussion, although I think that my struggle stems from the fact that I feel like I can't go back to the way we were, years ago. Although, you might still expect some bumps in the road, at least you have made the first step.
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Originally Posted by Yurt 
Katchie,
You must feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I have to imagine that it will be easier to talk to your H from here on out. This was the tough one.
I am still struggling to have a similar discussion, although I think that my struggle stems from the fact that I feel like I can't go back to the way we were, years ago. Although, you might still expect some bumps in the road, at least you have made the first step.
You must feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I have to imagine that it will be easier to talk to your H from here on out. This was the tough one.
I am still struggling to have a similar discussion, although I think that my struggle stems from the fact that I feel like I can't go back to the way we were, years ago. Although, you might still expect some bumps in the road, at least you have made the first step.
Now, I want to add something to this. I shared with my boys the discussion I had with their dad. Told them they are not to ride with him -- period. That we as a family are no longer protecting dad from natural consequences -- no more secrecy because it doesnt help him or us.
Unfortunately, when I asked how they felt about what all I said to their dad and what that means for us, one son, the one im teaching to drive, piped up, "well it hasnt done any good yet to talk to him". He obviously doesn't feel very optomistic and has a little anger about it all too. He must be like me and bottling it up.
The good news is all the honesty shared with all the family. Now, AH hasnt said anything to his children but that will be his problem to take care of; Ive done what i need to for now.
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One more thing to add..
with the lifting of the weight, I have been able to be a lot more pleasant toward AH. I've even been able to laugh in conversation with him. I have some joy back.
with the lifting of the weight, I have been able to be a lot more pleasant toward AH. I've even been able to laugh in conversation with him. I have some joy back.
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