Faith444

The title is a little joke... I'm 35, a gal, and I'm dating and living with a very active alcoholic, who unfortunately, I love.

This is not my first! I'm like most everybody here, codependent and I have my own issues. I have had clinical depression most of my life, eating disorders, and I have a marijuana dependency.

I married a heroin/crack addict in 2006, kicked her out and divorced by 2007 (I'm bisexual), starting dating a functional alcoholic soon after, left her too, and moved onto a raging alcoholic MAN. We've been dating 7 months, and I moved in after only 3 months.

At first, I thought I could deal with alcoholism in a partner because alcohol "seems" less problematic than heroin and crack. Dumb reasoning. Also, the sex was amazing at first. And he's intense, of course, pursued me hard, quickly told me he loved me and wanted monogamy, and I loved all that. I was actively looking for a "Daddy Dom" type of partner, and even though he actually hates BDSM language, his personality and sexual preferences worked for me.

The sex has already almost stopped. He drinks a liter of whiskey or vodka a night. I'm in this ****** up position where logic says to flee and not get further involved, but I don't WANT TO yet. I know ya'll know what that's like. Also, I'm VERY BROKE AND IN DEBT. I can't put two months down on a lease.

I'm in love But like everyone else, I'm losing respect, hope, and getting frustrated. I am good at detaching, I learned that in childhood, but I get depressed over the idea of not having a good sexual relationship EVER, which I keep TRYING to get. I thought dating a man would help, but not a 40 year old alcoholic man. He gets erections in the morning, but he's passed out by 10am, if he's not working. He works like 3 days a week, as a mover.

I'm not really asking for advice as much as trying to make connections with others like me. I'll be an active reader on the forum, since I got myself back into this stupid codie position. I'll try to go to a real meeting soon, too. They hardly let you talk though. It's too competitive in NYC and BK. Too many people needing to talk.

ladyscribbler

First off, welcome and Happy New Year.

I'll try to go to a real meeting soon, too. They hardly let you talk though. It's too competitive in NYC and BK. Too many people needing to talk.

I didn't talk at my last two alanon meetings. Had a chance to this week, but I was just content to enjoy everyone's shares so I passed. Next week I'm leading a meeting on step 1, so I'm sure I'll make up for it then, lol. I know it's nice to get things off your chest, but I've found that listening can be very therapeutic.
Sounds like you're ready to do some self-discovery. Have you done any reading on codependency? There are some great stickies at the top of the forum.

AnvilheadII

maybe it would be a good idea to A) get out of this relationship and B) take time to get you re-assembled and back in order? we don't find our completeness in an OTHER....sex won't do it, a dominating partner won't do it.....WE DO IT.

i'm glad you are considering meetings....sometimes just being in the atmosphere of recovery can help us find a calm sane space, if only for a little while! I was told early on that much of recovery happens AFTER the meeting, when folks gather, chat, go to coffee, etc. often our shares of a much more personal nature in those situations.

patientlywaitin

Omg I had to laugh when I read your title. My RAH and I use that line all the time, especially when referring to Codie issues. It's a little raunchy but I definitely get it!

I won't offer you any advice cuz I'm a hot mess and you probably shouldn't listen to me anyway! But I will wish you a happy new yr! Hope it gets better for ya

Hammer

Yeah, I recall a NYC meeting. Full and fuller. Catholic Church on 14th? Dunno. been years. Interesting to see.

When and if you want to get serious, I would think you would find or whittle down to some other seriously minded recovery folks.

As for the rest . . . does not sound like living the program. Not being a bitch or anything like that, but look at it. Does it sound Clean and Sober, or Happy, Joyous, and Free?

At 35 you are going to have to clean up the crap, or keep living this way. Your life, Your choice.

BoxinRotz

But I like it when you're a bitch Hammer! Someone needs to be a bitch to get the point across and not dilly dally around the cold hard facts.

shil2587

I am sure that you are familiar with the phrase safe, sane and consensual. This man is not able to adhere fully to any of those criteria while he is drinking. You mention that he is not keen on the language of that lifestyle but he acts that way with you? This for me would be a huge red flag. much of the language is about safety and responsibility. If he is dominating you without wanting to adhere to a true dom role then I would be careful not to submit to him because he doesn't know how to be that person. also, as an alcoholic, he is unable to look after himself, let alone anyone else.

I am familiar with the role of a sub, but would rather not discuss that here. please pm me, I am on my phone and can't pm you right now. submission is different to co dependency but one can easily lead to the other, be safe, be sane and look after yourself because he cannot do that, he's not healthy enough.

Faith444

true true true... i know i know i know... thank you, everyone. i'll read more, and write more.