Pia

So I've been waiting for today to go to my first Al-Anon meeting, however, since figuring out husband is an alcoholic / druggie and purchasing the self-help books and working them night and day I don't really believe I need to go.
I feel more of a sense of relief as if I received a "Get out of jail card " monopoly game" and I don't feel the same way anymore of what he does.I don't own him and clearly he has been doing whatever he wants for so long anyways.
I've been so focused on Detachment and working on me. But at the same time I don't know if I am on the Angry stage either. I don't feel angry,I don't think I am angry. I feel as if I am a young child again before boys lol. The grass is greener and sky is a nice blue and the clouds are white again not gray and following me. I notice the little things like birds and laughter. I have had a few melt downs but I remind myself that I never had what I originally thought and that's ok because I have the rest of my life to decide what I want to do going forward. Of course, I don't want it to come across as it was an overnight transformation or anything.
I am just unsure whether or not to go tonight? I also ready the sticky on Al-Anon meetings what to expect. I don't feel I need it but would like some thoughts please? You guys/gals have been absolutely wonderful in giving me your opinions I don't know what I would of done without any of you!!
Funny thing I realized last night- I was out with friends talking and observing the interactions of the married couples and their conversation goes like this "honey how was your week, day at work, can I get you something to eat etc?
I get home my conversation goes like this:
Me '"How much drugs did you do today?
Husband - "Not much can you get me something to eat I have the munchies"
Me " Nope I ate already thank you for asking but check to see what we have"

AnvilheadII

it can't hurt!? I mean, why not, at least explore your options? being involved with an addicted person does affect us.....we come to a point where our first question to our husband/partner is: how much drugs did you do today?

that ain't normal. that's the conditioning comes with being in a unhealthy situation.

but back to alanon....don't overlook the power of a 12 step program....not just the meetings, which is priceless being among others who know exactly what we are going thru, but the STEPS themselves are pure relief.

Pia

" we come to a point where our first question to our husband/partner is: how much drugs did you do today? "
I guess in my head I already know we will be divorcing as soon as I can I don't need closure what for he wouldn't know what I said or he said anyways.

krhea75

Well I just posted on this very question, and my thought is to go, go go! I learned that I am so enmeshed with my son, that it takes time and lots of reading to even begin to understand my part in it. Yes, you can do it alone. I did for years. But I have grown so much since I started making it a priority. I still have just touched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding, but I am so happy and have made some wonderful friends.

I always tell newcomers, "Thanks for coming. It is so hard to walk in that door the first time. But I am so glad you did." Believe it or not, newcomers help the more experienced ones as well.

If you go, let me know how it goes!

Pia

I should of wrote this hours ago I got lazy and ended up not going. I will reschedule.

Hawkeye13

Hi liloleme;
I think you should consider rescheduling.
Having "face time" with people who will really understand what you are going through can help so much.

If the only person you are spending much time with is your AH, reality can get a bit blurry. The meeting can really be a great reality check. . .

HealingWillCome

You might be pleasantly surprised. But you'll never know unless you try it, right?

That made me laugh a little...it sounded like me trying to get my kids to try new foods. Some of them they actually liked. Especially avocados.

You might like it. Even love it. And gain things from listening to/sharing with others that you can't get from the pages of a book. That was my experience. Sometimes it was just one little nugget, a phrase or a sentence, that someone would say that would be exactly what I needed to get me through the day. Or give me a new way of thinking about things.

Pia

I reread what I wrote yea it is funny. Fingers typing brain trying to catch up!
You guys are right I will definitely go.

HealingWillCome

No -- you made perfect sense!

I meant me and the 'getting the kids to try new foods' thing. That sounded kind of silly...like somehow Al-Anon is on the same par as vegetables or something.

I'm glad you're going to go. Let us know how it goes!

CarryOn

To add on to what HealingWillCome said, I find it so interesting to hear what each person got out of a reading...there can be several different interpretations of the same reading! I'm in my own head every day, so it's a great opportunity to find out what is in someone else's head that has a similar experience.

honeypig

It's certainly worth a try, even if you do plan to leave your A. We tend to think that if we remove the alcohol from the relationship, or the relationship from our life, that things will be rosy. Unfortunately, there's almost always damage that needs repair--from our earlier lives, that caused us to accept the insanity of life w/an A as normal, or from the time spent living with an A, or both. Just as the A has his/her own recovery to work on, so do we, the spouses/partners/friends/parents/siblings, etc.

This thread might help a bit in seeing how Alanon helps: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nderstand.html

This one might be useful also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-meeting.html

All Alanon will cost you is an hour of your time, and as they say, "If you aren't satisfied w/the results, your misery will be refunded at the door free of charge!" It's usually recommended to try a half dozen different meetings before deciding if Alanon is for you or not. Different meetings can feel very different to attend, and you'll likely feel more at home at some than at others.

Some here don't use Alanon, or use another type of support group such as Celebrate Recovery. To each his own, but Alanon is surely worth a try, IMHO.

Pia

Thank you, I will give it a shot
I woke up this morning with anxiety and feeling like crying. I know I have a lot to work on still but was hoping I was emotionally on the right track.

JustAGirl1971

I know it's hard, liloleme. It took a tremendous amount of courage for me to go the first...second...third time. But, everyone is so friendly and welcoming and I always feel stronger when I leave than when I walked in. Now, I understand the 6 meeting recommendation. Each time I take a little more away... but it's still hard to work up the courage to get there. But, the longer you go, the more connections you make... the more connections you make, the easier it is to go I'd also add not to let more than a week go by between your first and second meetings, if possible. I let 3 weeks go by between the 1st and 2nd, and again between the 2nd and 3rd. I think that made it harder to keep going because the good feeling you get starts to fade and the fear creeps back in... Now I've made the decision to do 2 meetings/week until AH & I separate, and then as many as I need but at least 1/week for the first month or so after separating. (I'm the type of person that has to make a commitment to myself or I tend to back out...)

hopeful4

I think you should go. One of the things I have found with my girls at Celebrate Recovery (where I attend for codependency) is friendship with people who get it. When things are right with the world sometimes I skip once in a while. What I have found is that no matter the circumstances...I have never ever went that I was not glad I had done so. I always feel so much better, even if I did not feel that bad going in.

One thing I will mention is this. It is also so good to have people there ready to help you when you fall. Things are not always great and I have turned to them when they are not, it has been a true blessing in my life.

Needless to say, it is your decision, I can only share my experiences. Hope it helps in some small way.

Blessings!

HikerLady

Liloleme, your path sounds very similar to mine in that I had been reading and coping without Al-Anon for quite some time. I was pretty floored at how much I cried before during and after that first meeting. I honestly thought I had already cried it all out, but boy was I in for a shocker. There is something really spiritual for me about the meetings (I am an atheist, so I do not take it as a Godly intervention). It is the reaffirmation that we are all connected and when we come together face to face for a common goal (that of improving ourselves and becoming whole again) we foster a greater understanding and love of life in general. For me it re-sparked my desire and spirit to just live and be happy and to further release and just let the HP's of life deal with the things I could not, and trust in my ability to handle the result. I don't know if it works for everyone, but it sure works for me.

Recovering2

They talk about peeling back the layers of an onion in Alanon meetings. That happened to me. I thought I had it all figured out after awhile. But I would listen to someone's share, and it would hit a surprising chord with me. I would realize there was something I hadn't dealt with, had maybe buried...but there it was in that other person's share. Helped me to move forward in ways I hadn't expected!

Something else to think about. You've been working on detachment. Maybe there is something you could share that would help someone else in that room. I learn a lot from listening to the shares of new people. We're all in this together......

hopeful4

I think I just sat there and cried for the first four or five times I attended Celebrate Recovery LOL. It was healing crying!

honeypig

This thought occurred to me also. Sometimes you don't go to the meeting to get something, but to give something. You just don't know which it will be, or if it will be both, until afterwards!

I went to a meeting today that I don't usually attend b/c I'm normally at work at the time it's held. Something I said seemed to resonate w/a newer person, and I ended up giving my email and phone number in case they wanted to talk at some point in the future, even tho I have less than a year in Alanon also. It's not only those with 20 years of experience who have something to offer--we are, indeed, all in this together.

Hammer

I am going in about 30 minutes.

It is your / my / whomever choice to go or not go.

Sort of like with the A. They can choose to get help or not.

I am choosing what works -- at least for me -- and some millions others.

Will save you a seat, if you would like.