Closet alcoholic or abuser??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 66
Closet alcoholic or abuser??
Alcohol abuser that is.
This is my first post and I'm sorry I didn't post in newcomers, but my time is limited.
My husband got completely drunk/wasted a few weeks ago. We even called 911 because we thought he was having a stroke. He was able to tell EMS he was drunk but didn't tell us. I have NEVER seen him like that. We have been married 29 years yesterday, 5 children and 1 grandson. We truly are soul mates and things have changed, but I thought it was just getting older. There were times I thought he slurred his words. Even asked if he had been drinking because if he hadn't then I would need to take him to the dr since there must be something serious wrong. I was getting worried about him. But he said he was fine.
I have been searching the internet when I can. Over the last several months I have found empty pints under the passenger seat of his truck. He swears he wasn't drinking a driving, he just put them there til he got to the trash. Yeah, right. I now find liters under the seat, hidden in his garage and I have even dug through the trash in his garage. (3 empty liters)
This has hit me like a sledgehammer to my chest. I can see little things here and there, but nothing I recognized at the time.
He's a very good husband and father for the most part. No physical or mental abuse. I've only seen him drunk that one time. I don't ever see him drink. I can't tell if he's drinking often or more. The ones in the trash could have been there awhile, I don't know. I don't think he has any real problems.
What do you think? When I asked him he got 'angrily' quiet and wouldn't respond. We haven't talked about it since. I am going to Al-Anon with my oldest adult daughter today.
I'm so tired of being suspicious. He leaves and I'm checking everywhere for bottles. He left this morning to do some work(not much) and I wonder what he is doing. Gotta go
This is my first post and I'm sorry I didn't post in newcomers, but my time is limited.
My husband got completely drunk/wasted a few weeks ago. We even called 911 because we thought he was having a stroke. He was able to tell EMS he was drunk but didn't tell us. I have NEVER seen him like that. We have been married 29 years yesterday, 5 children and 1 grandson. We truly are soul mates and things have changed, but I thought it was just getting older. There were times I thought he slurred his words. Even asked if he had been drinking because if he hadn't then I would need to take him to the dr since there must be something serious wrong. I was getting worried about him. But he said he was fine.
I have been searching the internet when I can. Over the last several months I have found empty pints under the passenger seat of his truck. He swears he wasn't drinking a driving, he just put them there til he got to the trash. Yeah, right. I now find liters under the seat, hidden in his garage and I have even dug through the trash in his garage. (3 empty liters)
This has hit me like a sledgehammer to my chest. I can see little things here and there, but nothing I recognized at the time.
He's a very good husband and father for the most part. No physical or mental abuse. I've only seen him drunk that one time. I don't ever see him drink. I can't tell if he's drinking often or more. The ones in the trash could have been there awhile, I don't know. I don't think he has any real problems.
What do you think? When I asked him he got 'angrily' quiet and wouldn't respond. We haven't talked about it since. I am going to Al-Anon with my oldest adult daughter today.
I'm so tired of being suspicious. He leaves and I'm checking everywhere for bottles. He left this morning to do some work(not much) and I wonder what he is doing. Gotta go
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Sounds like he may have been drinking for quite some time.
Usually your gut is right on the money.
Empty pints under a truck seat suggest drinking and driving.
Good you are going to Al-Anon.
I wish you well in the situation.
Are you planning to sit down again with him to talk about it again?
Usually your gut is right on the money.
Empty pints under a truck seat suggest drinking and driving.
Good you are going to Al-Anon.
I wish you well in the situation.
Are you planning to sit down again with him to talk about it again?
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,665
Hi Giliji , this is difficult for you, help should be on hand at al anon.
I was the drinker in my family and quite honestly until i realised and acknowledged we have a problem nothing convinced me I had a problem, even tho deep down I did, I never let my thoughts go there too much unless I got maudling with drink, which I didn't usually remember when I was sober.
Keep posting here and reading, there are a lot of people who have eons of experience and can help you.
I was the drinker in my family and quite honestly until i realised and acknowledged we have a problem nothing convinced me I had a problem, even tho deep down I did, I never let my thoughts go there too much unless I got maudling with drink, which I didn't usually remember when I was sober.
Keep posting here and reading, there are a lot of people who have eons of experience and can help you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR! Posting/reading here and going to Alanon are great first steps--so glad you and your daughter are taking steps to educate yourselves and get support right away.
I would guess that your A has been drinking for a long time w/o your knowledge. Mine drank for years and I never knew it until he eventually "overshot" on his consumption and was clearly drunk in front of me. All the signs you mention definitely point to a problem. Just b/c he doesn't abuse you and holds a job is no proof that he's not an alcoholic. Mine didn't abuse me and held a job also. Alcoholics aren't all skid row bums or violent abusers; they can appear in as many different ways as there are people. The one thing they have in common is the addiction to alcohol.
As you'll learn in Alanon, there is only one person you can have any effect on in this situation, and that is yourself. The A is the only one who can make the decision to get sober; there is simply no way for you to convince or force him to do so. Your choices all deal with how you choose to live your own life from this point forward, and how you choose to spend your energy and time.
Try to spend as much time as you can here, reading thru posts and looking thru the stickied posts at the top of the page. There is a TON of great info here. Here's an example from the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
As you learn more, your perspective will begin to change and you'll start to know the right path for you.
Wishing you clarity and strength!
I would guess that your A has been drinking for a long time w/o your knowledge. Mine drank for years and I never knew it until he eventually "overshot" on his consumption and was clearly drunk in front of me. All the signs you mention definitely point to a problem. Just b/c he doesn't abuse you and holds a job is no proof that he's not an alcoholic. Mine didn't abuse me and held a job also. Alcoholics aren't all skid row bums or violent abusers; they can appear in as many different ways as there are people. The one thing they have in common is the addiction to alcohol.
As you'll learn in Alanon, there is only one person you can have any effect on in this situation, and that is yourself. The A is the only one who can make the decision to get sober; there is simply no way for you to convince or force him to do so. Your choices all deal with how you choose to live your own life from this point forward, and how you choose to spend your energy and time.
Try to spend as much time as you can here, reading thru posts and looking thru the stickied posts at the top of the page. There is a TON of great info here. Here's an example from the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
As you learn more, your perspective will begin to change and you'll start to know the right path for you.
Wishing you clarity and strength!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 66
Thanks for your replies.
I really want to talk to him again. He is such a good man and we have always connected so well. I was really surprised when he got so very angry. He told me he wasn't going to say anything because he didn't want to lose his temper. The next day it was like we never spoke. This is tearing me up. Especially for our children. He has always been an involved dad. He still is, but not as much.
I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I have to for my children, but it's hard when I can't stop crying. I was always the one with the problem and he was my rock to help me through. (I have bi-polar disorder) Over the last few years I felt that he wasn't as strong as he used to be. I would never have thought he would have a drinking problem. Not him.
omg....
I really want to talk to him again. He is such a good man and we have always connected so well. I was really surprised when he got so very angry. He told me he wasn't going to say anything because he didn't want to lose his temper. The next day it was like we never spoke. This is tearing me up. Especially for our children. He has always been an involved dad. He still is, but not as much.
I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I have to for my children, but it's hard when I can't stop crying. I was always the one with the problem and he was my rock to help me through. (I have bi-polar disorder) Over the last few years I felt that he wasn't as strong as he used to be. I would never have thought he would have a drinking problem. Not him.
omg....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's a lot to take in all at once. As I said, chances are good that it's been going on for years. You've been finding evidence for the past several months, and it's likely been going on unnoticed before that for much, much longer.
When I was just beginning to find out the extent of the deception and the damage in my marriage to an A, I wanted out right now. Right this second. The folks in Alanon told me to take some time to make a decision. They said that since we'd been together a long time (nearly 20 years) and since he wasn't physically or financially an immediate danger to me, it would be a good idea to take some time to think, maybe another year, so I was making a rational decision about divorcing and not one based on emotion.
Folks here at SR told me the same--they said that a decision made from a place of strength and calmness is much more likely to be a good decision than one made in anger and fear. I was advised to work on my own issues (of which there are plenty, I've come to see!) and that "more would be revealed", a common Alanon saying.
It seems you might be in a similar situation. Again, you don't have to decide everything, or ANYTHING, right this second. Take some time. Let it all sink in. Likely you'll see a change in both your attitude and your AH's attitude as you start to apply Alanon principles to your life. Likely you'll also start to find out more about what has been going on behind your back. Again, more will be revealed.
It's been 10 months since I fled out the door to an Alanon meeting, not knowing what else to do, feeling so alone and lost/angry/scared/betrayed. I feel like my feet are on the ground now and I can move forward in my life with some kind of hope and trust, even tho I still get scared and confused. This board and Alanon have helped me incredibly much, and I hope you can find the help that you need here also. Just keep taking one step at a time, one day at a time, and you'll end up where you need to be.
When I was just beginning to find out the extent of the deception and the damage in my marriage to an A, I wanted out right now. Right this second. The folks in Alanon told me to take some time to make a decision. They said that since we'd been together a long time (nearly 20 years) and since he wasn't physically or financially an immediate danger to me, it would be a good idea to take some time to think, maybe another year, so I was making a rational decision about divorcing and not one based on emotion.
Folks here at SR told me the same--they said that a decision made from a place of strength and calmness is much more likely to be a good decision than one made in anger and fear. I was advised to work on my own issues (of which there are plenty, I've come to see!) and that "more would be revealed", a common Alanon saying.
It seems you might be in a similar situation. Again, you don't have to decide everything, or ANYTHING, right this second. Take some time. Let it all sink in. Likely you'll see a change in both your attitude and your AH's attitude as you start to apply Alanon principles to your life. Likely you'll also start to find out more about what has been going on behind your back. Again, more will be revealed.
It's been 10 months since I fled out the door to an Alanon meeting, not knowing what else to do, feeling so alone and lost/angry/scared/betrayed. I feel like my feet are on the ground now and I can move forward in my life with some kind of hope and trust, even tho I still get scared and confused. This board and Alanon have helped me incredibly much, and I hope you can find the help that you need here also. Just keep taking one step at a time, one day at a time, and you'll end up where you need to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree, he has been at this for a while. One thing to mention is this. Alanon will help you with your codependency and figuring all this out with help for YOU.
I have been in your same boat many times. I am so sorry. The thing is, now that you know it will eat at you until you make some decisions about what you want from the relationship and what boundaries you will or will not make. It is truly baby steps and no matter what decisions you make, none of them have to be overnight or even soon. A lady at Celebrate Recovery told me last night that her boundary is when her husband is engaged with his addiction her boundary is she stays with her daughter. Some decide they will leave, others decide to live with it. One thing not to expect too much of is the addict changing their life until they are good and ready...for them. To recover they have to want it. Some do, some do not.
Hugs. Keep posting, we will walk this road together!
I have been in your same boat many times. I am so sorry. The thing is, now that you know it will eat at you until you make some decisions about what you want from the relationship and what boundaries you will or will not make. It is truly baby steps and no matter what decisions you make, none of them have to be overnight or even soon. A lady at Celebrate Recovery told me last night that her boundary is when her husband is engaged with his addiction her boundary is she stays with her daughter. Some decide they will leave, others decide to live with it. One thing not to expect too much of is the addict changing their life until they are good and ready...for them. To recover they have to want it. Some do, some do not.
Hugs. Keep posting, we will walk this road together!
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