bug25

Hi all,

I'm new here and was hoping someone might be able to guide me or help me with some relationship changes I have been going through.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, 2.5 of which he was a heavy binge drinker and extremely emotionally abusive. About 5 months ago he came home black out after being missing for 3 days and I had had about enough of the abuse so I decided to pack up and leave. We were separated for 2 months and in that time he seeked out AA meetings as well as SMART meetings and counselling. We had kept in contact and things eventually ended up with us being back together. We are now living separately but are in a relationship.

I have quite a bit of fear that he will relapse as he has set a time line for his sobriety. But my real issue at this point in time is the fact that he seems to resent me more than anything else and the dynamic of our relationship has changed. He gets irritated when I go over to his house and will often kick me out at 1 or 2 am and says that now he is sober he is having troubles "dealing with" me. So I guess my question is what the heck is going on? We used to get along fine, lived together for 2 years, never had problems (except his drinking of course) and now all of a sudden he is irritated by my presence and I always seem to be doing something wrong, or I'm in his way, or he blames me for being unhappy. I am wondering if maybe this happens quite often with RA's because they no longer have alcohol to help them cope? Or if he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions because he was constantly numbing himself and everything is now hypersensitive? He says he doesn't want to separate and that he loves me and such but needs his space (sometimes I won't see him for the better part of a week) which I gladly give him; I try not to be overbearing but sometimes I feel extremely neglected.

Any thoughts? Anecdotes? Advice?

Thanks for reading
Bug

EnglishGarden

When someone is drunk, the part of the brain which controls inhibition does not function, so the alcoholic behaves in all the insane ways we have all witnessed.

An article I read also pointed out that with sobriety, that inhibition part of the brain can remain damaged, for some people.

So what a person with a normal inhibitory function would do--control anger, control impulse, control outbursts, control recklessness--the alcoholic with the brain damage will not.

I continue to feel that it is best to live separately from an alcoholic in early recovery and keep contact minimal. There is still a great deal of disorder in the alcoholic, and a tremendous amount of buried anger that he or she can no longer have his or her most important relationship: the one with alcohol.

And, because maturity is stunted from years of numbing out instead of dealing head-on with life and growing, then temper tantrums and blaming others is a common scene.

Personally, I'd prefer to be in an apartment across town. The ringer off.

bug25

Thank you, that makes sense. Living separately is definitely necessary at this point. Do you happen to have the links to the articles you have read? I would be curious to take a look at them.

EnglishGarden

Have you taken a look at the collection of articles on the forum (over 200 of them) on the blog of Cynical One?

At the top of the page in blue, click blogs and type in Cynical One. It is a good place to start.

And, if you are completely new to the alcoholic relationship, I think Toby Rice Drews' book "Getting Them Sober" is invaluable. The title is a twist. It lures in codies who are looking to fix their alcoholic. But inside the book are the hard facts about relationship with an alcoholic and all the common mind-games, threats, and crazy talk that becomes the norm. It is as close to a mirror of the alcoholic relationship as I have ever read.

dandylion

EnglishGarden---I am glad to hear you say this--about living separately during the early part of sobriety---I would say at least a year---with some sort of graduated "re-entry" back into critical relationships. I come to this based on my own personal experience and the many stories of the agony on both sides of the relationships.

dandylion

Hammer

Did not see this in the thread, so far . . . You are in Alanon?

If not. Go. Now.

SR is helpful. Real World is Better.

You will learn a LOT of coping skills, and it will help you understand what he is going through on the AA side.

As for the rest. Yes, *they* are frequently out of their mind for a few months afterward. First three months back from Rehab, My-Little-A was a mouth drooling loon. Next three months were not much better. Been a year now, and she holds things fairly stable.

If you can get some distance -- get some distance.

AnvilheadII

i'm glad you found us. and i'm glad to hear that you live separately and therefore have your OWN safe place and aren't "stuck" living with an emotionally abusive/unstable person. for many/most, drinking wasn't the PROBLEM, it was only a symptom of larger deeper problems. your bf didn't treat you well while drinking, and that behavior continues now that he has stopped drinking.

perhaps with time, and if he is working SOME type of a recovery program, he can start to make wholesale changes in his outlook and attitude. you will have to decide how long you wish to wait to see if that happens. being kicked out at 1am is really unacceptable. blaming you for stuff, treating you poorly.....you don't deserve that. from anyone.

bug25

Thank you everyone for the responses. It's very helpful; this is my first real experience with anyone who abused any substances and didn't actually realize there was a problem until about 6 months into our relationship at which point I deluded myself into thinking he was going to get a hold on it. I apologize if my inexperience is showing.
I was thinking about an Al-anon group but wasn't sure how helpful it would be but I will definitely jump on that horse today if it can help me cope with this a bit better.