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Thoughts from a crappy motel room lol I'm writing from my motel room. I had to leave my parents' house because they live 90 mins from here and I have to work tomorrow. I left my five-year-old son there, playing Legos with grandpa. It's very safe, cozy, and loving there, so I thought it was best. I brought my little one with me and I'll take him to preschool tomorrow. I'm a little worried about the logistics of the next month while I look for a place to live...but I can handle that. He is drunk again today, spoke to him once earlier. He rambled on, called me a few names and accused me of being a liar, etc. I've been in a motel because of his drinking countless times, but this time is different. I haven't cried in days! That is HUGE for me. I'm not panicky, anxious, worried. I've spent the last few nights reading books on alcoholism and emotionally abusive men. It's like a lightbulb went off. I knew the information was out there, but I wasn't ready to take it in. It's amazing what learning about alcoholism does for you. Everything I've read is so dead-on. I see that I've been trying to reason with and understand a person who is very sick. None of this is my fault. There's nothing I could have done to be a better wife. No words will make this better. He's not ready. He is willing to give up everything for that drink. And that's ok. I don't have to be his emotional hostage anymore, sacrificing my own happiness for him. I deserve to be at peace and feel safe. If I ever let someone into my life again, it won't be until I feel healthy and strong enough to make a wise choice. Emotional detachment (or the beginnings of it) feels so good. I've wanted to save myself for so long, but I felt helpless like I had no choice. But I am a mother and I can't force my boys to suffer this fate, mommy has to get them to a safe place. They shouldn't have to see me cry or the panicked look on my face when daddy goes out the front door. I don't know how this will all work, but I can finally see the other side. Thank you everyone who has ever responded to my posts. I hope I can get healthy enough to help others the same way. |
Awwww......Emmy! I can just see your little one playing Legos with grandpa!! I'm sorry that it has to be so disjointed right now, but know that you are a brave and good Mom to make these decisions and take these actions for your children and for yourself. Sending many hugs and lots of prayers for the week coming up to go smoothly! |
Your recovery is showing and it looks good on you! " spoke to him once earlier. He rambled on, called me a few names and accused me of being a liar, etc. " Take your power back. When the verbal abuse starts, I learned that I can say "I will not listen to you when you speak to me in that way. I am hanging up now" and hang up the phone. No need for lengthy explanations, just state the facts: Not gonna listen to that! Hopefully, he will get the message and stop. |
Thank you for sharing your bravery..blessings to you and your children! |
Originally Posted by EmmyG
(Post 4375393)
It's amazing what learning about alcoholism does for you. I couldn't agree more with your above statement. Learning about the illness is so empowering. Stay strong, for your beautiful babies and you! :) |
Your post made my evening :) Like pelican says, recovery does look good on you! |
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Emmy, Your post is just exuding that quiet, persistent strength that will carry you through. You don't have to figure everything out tonight. Hugs. |
What a beautiful post, Emmy. I'm so happy for you, and smiling as I think of a happier, healthier future for you and yours. Take good care of yourself. Peace. |
I am happy for you that you have scene their is a light at the end of the tunnel. ((hugs)) |
I am so thrilled you are feeling better keep up the great work. |
Emmy...I am so proud of you. Peace can be found inside a motel room, outside, anywhere. It is not the place but the circumstances. Huge Hugs! |
Thank you!! I took my son to school and I went to work today...just carried on. He is already backtracking now that it's Monday and he's sobering up. I told him I'm ready to give notice on our place, and he texted back "That won't be necessary. Let's talk later." Clearly, he thinks I'm coming home and we can go on in this horrible cycle forever. Just yesterday he hated me. Hah. Anyway, I'm still feeling detached, still feeling hopeful. It's a long process getting here, but this is the first time I've ever been to this point and I'm going to stay with it. |
I agree, detatchment was a relief for me. I am no longer so caught up in his "side of the street" so to speak. Last night at Celebrate Recovery we talked about detatchment and how hard it is. It truly is something to be proud of when you can remove yourself from the crazy train and focus on you and your children. Hugs Emmy! |
You are amazing, Emmy! Hang in there. Wishing you all the best. xoxox |
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