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Old 12-30-2013, 11:43 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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O my dear...I did not mean you have to focus on his needs! I am just saying there is a very big difference between boundaries and needs. I think you should have boundaries for you, some express them, some do not. I choose to because I think he has a right to know what they are. As far as my needs, they are not met mostly. I don't focus on his and he does not focus on mine, that is part of the collapse of our marriage. For me, it is all I can do not to say "Kiss Off" but I do not want to do that in front of my children. So I am trying to remember we all have an inner need to be treated kindly and with respect and that is who I want to be.

Sorry, I think I am rambling. I guess I am trying to see that inside each person there are needs and if you cannot take care of those for each other it is not much of a marriage.

Definitely I think you deserve to focus on you and your kids!
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:50 AM
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Katchie---I hear you.....I understand how hard it is and how unfair that it all feels. I agree that it IS unfair when the parenting duties are not shared.

To me, it sounds like he is self-centered and somewhat narcissistic. It is all about him.

Hard to take.

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Old 12-30-2013, 11:54 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I'm the same way Katchie. I have a million and one thoughts in my head, but am strangely muted whenever the opportunity to express them comes along. I know a big part for me is fear of his reaction - it's always anger and defensiveness or it's manipulated into blame toward me. Neither are things I'm emotionally equipped to deal with right now, so I tend to just avoid talking to him about anything other than the subjects he brings up (namely, himself and how wonderful he is... sigh).
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Old 12-30-2013, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Justwantnormal View Post
(namely, himself and how wonderful he is... sigh).
Grandiosity and Self-Inflation.

THAT is classic A.

and, btw, one of the FIRST markers of Dry Drunk.
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Old 12-30-2013, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Grandiosity and Self-Inflation. THAT is classic A. and, btw, one of the FIRST markers of Dry Drunk.
Is that what he's doing?? I feel so stupid because there's so much to learn and I'm so far behind.
& if I have it correct, a dry drunk is someone not currently drinking?? Which he hasn't while we've been away at his family's home and mow formate last week. That always makes him sober up--I think.
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Old 12-30-2013, 12:31 PM
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I tend to think this below is a pretty fair description . . .

At least far better than I can do

But we should not tend so much to say so.

But all true and why I called "My Little A" a Dry Drunk last week . . . and then apologized for saying so.

Our daughter calls the condition "Bragzalot" or "Bragzilla."

=========

What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics

What Is A Dry Drunk?


by BILL URELL

What is a dry drunk, and the ‘dry drunk syndrome’ as it is sometimes called? It can best be described as someone who fits one of two conditions.

The first is someone who has given up drinking and drugging and not made any internal or emotional changes, they stay the same but the substance is gone. Or in the second case what was once someone abstinent and on a progressive path of recovery has slowly returned to chaotic and unrealistic thinking.

Being active in your addiction sets up many trains of thought, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are problematic. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors will produce a dry drunk syndrome. The dry drunk really refers to a condition and not the person. It is important to recognize a reversion back to our old ways of thinking and acting, or lack of progress in moving forward in recovery.

The dry drunk can be a precursor to the beginnings of relapse, the AA Big Book describes this condition as being “restless, irritable, and discontented”. This set of attitudes can apply to anyone who is chemically dependent, or even those were not. Here are some of the attitudes common with the dry drunk syndrome.

Grandiosity – Grandiosity basically means a return to a self-centered, ‘the world revolves around’ me attitude. In 12 Step literatures this is the concept of being “self-centered in the extreme”. It does not have to necessarily mean that I believe I am the best; it can also be seeking attention through playing the victim or sitting on the pity pot.

Impulsivity – A common attitude or observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. We tend to do what we want when we want, with little regard for self harm or hurting others around us. Impulsivity can be linked with grandiosity to engage in behaviors designed to make us the center of attention.

Being judgmental – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. When we judge a person as being better than or less than, we are setting up a situation where we inflate our egos feeling better than other people. On the other hand if we judge ourselves to be on the short end we can feel bitter and generate low self-esteem. Being judgmental is a low self-esteem generator.

Complacency – This is not only an attitude of somebody in dry drunk syndrome, but is a red flag warning sign of someone who is well into the relapse process. An important facet of being in active recovery is just that, being active, and moving forward. It is not how fast you are going but rather the direction in which you are headed. If you become lazy or disinterested and stop being proactive about your recovery, the natural to a tendency is to fall back into addictive behaviors. Your re-engagement in them is just a short step away.

Once you are lured into any of these attitudes, they start to affect how you think. Once your thinking is affected and you start to buy into self-centered thoughts, chances are you’ll engage in the actions stemming from these self-centered thoughts.

Here are some destructive patterns and actions that can result from dry drunk thinking:

1. We become restless and irritable and discontent.

2. We become bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive tasks.

3. Our emotions and feelings get listless and dull, nothing excites us anymore.

4. We start to the engage in the euphoric recall that is yearning for the good old days of active using and for getting the pain and shame of use.

5. We start to engage in magical thinking we get on realistic and fanciful expectations and dreams.

6. The last thing we want you is engaged in introspection to improve ourselves.

7. We start to become unfulfilled and have the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy our yearning or fill the hole in the sole.

Looking back at the list of attitudes and thought distortions listed above, it is easy to see how the dry drunk syndrome is simply nothing more then reverting back to the way it was when we were active in our use. If you are starting to notice some of the attitudes discussed creeping back into your life, is target time to start paying attention to the possibility of relapse and start turning your life in sobriety and recovery around. The dry drunk syndrome is a bright red flashing warning sign for relapse.
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Old 12-30-2013, 01:28 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
I tend to think this below is a pretty fair description . . . At least far better than I can do But we should not tend so much to say so. But all true and why I called "My Little A" a Dry Drunk last week . . . and then apologized for saying so. Our daughter calls the condition "Bragzalot" or "Bragzilla." ========= What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics What Is A Dry Drunk? by BILL URELL What is a dry drunk, and the ‘dry drunk syndrome’ as it is sometimes called? It can best be described as someone who fits one of two conditions. The first is someone who has given up drinking and drugging and not made any internal or emotional changes, they stay the same but the substance is gone. Or in the second case what was once someone abstinent and on a progressive path of recovery has slowly returned to chaotic and unrealistic thinking. Being active in your addiction sets up many trains of thought, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are problematic. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors will produce a dry drunk syndrome. The dry drunk really refers to a condition and not the person. It is important to recognize a reversion back to our old ways of thinking and acting, or lack of progress in moving forward in recovery. The dry drunk can be a precursor to the beginnings of relapse, the AA Big Book describes this condition as being “restless, irritable, and discontented”. This set of attitudes can apply to anyone who is chemically dependent, or even those were not. Here are some of the attitudes common with the dry drunk syndrome. Grandiosity – Grandiosity basically means a return to a self-centered, ‘the world revolves around’ me attitude. In 12 Step literatures this is the concept of being “self-centered in the extreme”. It does not have to necessarily mean that I believe I am the best; it can also be seeking attention through playing the victim or sitting on the pity pot. Impulsivity – A common attitude or observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. We tend to do what we want when we want, with little regard for self harm or hurting others around us. Impulsivity can be linked with grandiosity to engage in behaviors designed to make us the center of attention. Being judgmental – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. When we judge a person as being better than or less than, we are setting up a situation where we inflate our egos feeling better than other people. On the other hand if we judge ourselves to be on the short end we can feel bitter and generate low self-esteem. Being judgmental is a low self-esteem generator. Complacency – This is not only an attitude of somebody in dry drunk syndrome, but is a red flag warning sign of someone who is well into the relapse process. An important facet of being in active recovery is just that, being active, and moving forward. It is not how fast you are going but rather the direction in which you are headed. If you become lazy or disinterested and stop being proactive about your recovery, the natural to a tendency is to fall back into addictive behaviors. Your re-engagement in them is just a short step away. Once you are lured into any of these attitudes, they start to affect how you think. Once your thinking is affected and you start to buy into self-centered thoughts, chances are you’ll engage in the actions stemming from these self-centered thoughts. Here are some destructive patterns and actions that can result from dry drunk thinking: 1. We become restless and irritable and discontent. 2. We become bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive tasks. 3. Our emotions and feelings get listless and dull, nothing excites us anymore. 4. We start to the engage in the euphoric recall that is yearning for the good old days of active using and for getting the pain and shame of use. 5. We start to engage in magical thinking we get on realistic and fanciful expectations and dreams. 6. The last thing we want you is engaged in introspection to improve ourselves. 7. We start to become unfulfilled and have the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy our yearning or fill the hole in the sole. Looking back at the list of attitudes and thought distortions listed above, it is easy to see how the dry drunk syndrome is simply nothing more then reverting back to the way it was when we were active in our use. If you are starting to notice some of the attitudes discussed creeping back into your life, is target time to start paying attention to the possibility of relapse and start turning your life in sobriety and recovery around. The dry drunk syndrome is a bright red flashing warning sign for relapse.
Ok, grandiosity and especially impulsivity I do see. When he tries to abstain, he doesn't voice that's what he's doing by I know it is, he's extremely grumpy.
After church yesterday we went to our family's favorite pasta joint for lunch w/the boys. He reads the menu & actually asks me what kind I pasta feta is!?!? WTH?? My boys looked at me and snickered. I was embarrassed for my AH looking so stupid in front if his boys.
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