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Resenting him

Old 12-29-2013, 06:24 AM
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Resenting him

My recovering abf and I broke up once again a few days before Xmas. This is the last time. He has already tried to suck me back in but I just can not waste another year of my life. Part of me continued trying because I had put so much work in. I didn't want to accept I couldn't make it work. Now I find myself resenting him for all of the things I did for him, especially over the past two years. He lost his license because of a DUI and I drove him everyday to work, to random drug testing, to required alcohol classes and counseling. I drove most weeks 25 min each way to pick up his daughter, who I love and will miss so much.

How do I let go of the resentment. I know I made these decisions myself and I am responsible. But I still feel so much anger that after everything I did he couldn't be there for me. I also am angry at myself that I ever allowed someone to have such a hold on me. Prior to him, I was never in such an unhealthy relationship.
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Old 12-29-2013, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Shirt423 View Post
My recovering abf and I broke up once again a few days before Xmas. This is the last time. He has already tried to suck me back in but I just can not waste another year of my life. Part of me continued trying because I had put so much work in. I didn't want to accept I couldn't make it work. Now I find myself resenting him for all of the things I did for him, especially over the past two years. He lost his license because of a DUI and I drove him everyday to work, to random drug testing, to required alcohol classes and counseling. I drove most weeks 25 min each way to pick up his daughter, who I love and will miss so much.

How do I let go of the resentment. I know I made these decisions myself and I am responsible. But I still feel so much anger that after everything I did he couldn't be there for me. I also am angry at myself that I ever allowed someone to have such a hold on me. Prior to him, I was never in such an unhealthy relationship.
Morning Shirt423- There are a whole lot more knowledgeable people on this forum that I and will chime in but, what caught my attention was when you said
"I didn't want to accept I couldn't make it work. Now I find myself resenting him for all of the things I did for him"The way I see it is be glad you don't have to do anything more for him and be glad you can look yourself in the mirror and know you have such a good compassionate heart. Be glad you didn't marry him and now file for divorce, be glad you won't be lied to, be glad he won't have to take the weight of the world and put it on your shoulders, be glad etc etc.. Get the point!!
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Old 12-29-2013, 12:33 PM
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Maybe just "keep" the kid as something like a Little Sister?

Sort of like Big Brothers / Big Sisters, you familiar?

I do not mean like try to keep ownership, but if there is not a Mom-Ex that really cares for her, you can still do things together once a week, or a couple times a month?

That part is salvaging the good. A good thing.


-----------

And now the bad . . .

As far as him, maybe just consider it a "write off?" Like in business, or farming. We do not like to see a project, or crop, or person, or relationship "fail," but when they do, they can be studied a bit for understanding and to not repeat -- but we do not stay in the middle of the failure.

So weeds and weevils got this relationship crop. Does not mean there is a not a better one down the road. You still have you, you have plenty of go and good -- just do not waste that resource (you) on being stuck in someone else's bad.
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Old 12-29-2013, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Shirt423 View Post
I still feel so much anger that after everything I did he couldn't be there for me.
I think this is what you need to let go of. If you can accept that he couldn't be there, and never will, the anger will leave you because it serves no purpose. As long as you continue to wish things were different, you will be resentful. Another way to look at it: You've been dealt a crappy hand (like the rest of us). The key is learning to play the hand, rather than just wishing you had different cards! Things do get easier.
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Old 12-30-2013, 05:52 AM
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Originally Posted by allysen View Post
Another way to look at it: You've been dealt a crappy hand (like the rest of us). The key is learning to play the hand, rather than just wishing you had different cards!
"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run..."

Cue Kenny Rogers! Kenny Rogers - The Gambler - YouTube

Allysen, you put a whole new spin on that song! And I think your point is valid. It's surely human and normal to feel resentful and angry, but in time, that will fade as the OP realizes how she gained so much more than she lost.
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