Goodness why does he hate me so much?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Goodness why does he hate me so much?
Maybe hate is a hard word, maybe I should use resent instead? Not sure since husband is not talking to me. I can feel the animosity pouring out from his looks. If I ask him a question he turns and tells me what I haven't done or turns the question on me.I even used the suggestions in the codependency book how to speak to the person and it seem like that fueled the fire more. I didn't know asking how is work would be the wrong question to ask. I'm in my room reading my Codependency book and the looks I get as he comes in to use the restroom, Geesh if looks could kill.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
He isn't getting his own way anymore--the secret life and doing what he wants with no consequences.
You aren't just accepting what he has been lying about and doing everything like the humble dutiful wife.
The veil is pulled back from his BS. Of course he's mad.
Even his cleaning the house one time and saying it's his fault hasn't made you accept his years of lies and deceptions and let things get
back to his idea of normal.
He tried a day or two of being nice, saying he's a bad guy, and you didn't buy it. Now he is going to try to force you back in line with the
mean silent treatment. (I know I can't know this for certain, but boy I've seen this pattern before with some of my addict Ex boyfriends)
Good for you.
But do try to detach from the emotional hurt of his "punishing" you and don't fall back into line with what you know is against your own ethics.
You aren't just accepting what he has been lying about and doing everything like the humble dutiful wife.
The veil is pulled back from his BS. Of course he's mad.
Even his cleaning the house one time and saying it's his fault hasn't made you accept his years of lies and deceptions and let things get
back to his idea of normal.
He tried a day or two of being nice, saying he's a bad guy, and you didn't buy it. Now he is going to try to force you back in line with the
mean silent treatment. (I know I can't know this for certain, but boy I've seen this pattern before with some of my addict Ex boyfriends)
Good for you.
But do try to detach from the emotional hurt of his "punishing" you and don't fall back into line with what you know is against your own ethics.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It's hard to understand an addict's thinking. I finally understood that an addict's thinking is dis-ordered (not normal), so trying to apply reasonable, sane thinking to figure out my AXH made me crazy.
I know I sensed rebellion from my AXH when he noticed I was making positive changes in myself (reading Codependent No More, attending Alanon, etc). The healthier I became, the more he ridiculed my actions.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are responsible for your own recovery.
If he is mad/angry/resentful; well, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
I know I sensed rebellion from my AXH when he noticed I was making positive changes in myself (reading Codependent No More, attending Alanon, etc). The healthier I became, the more he ridiculed my actions.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are responsible for your own recovery.
If he is mad/angry/resentful; well, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
He isn't getting his own way anymore--the secret life and doing what he wants with no consequences.
You aren't just accepting what he has been lying about and doing everything like the humble dutiful wife.
The veil is pulled back from his BS. Of course he's mad.
Even his cleaning the house one time and saying it's his fault hasn't made you accept his years of lies and deceptions and let things get
back to his idea of normal.
Good for you.
But do try to detach from the emotional hurt of his "punishing" you and don't fall back into line with what you know is against your own ethics.
You aren't just accepting what he has been lying about and doing everything like the humble dutiful wife.
The veil is pulled back from his BS. Of course he's mad.
Even his cleaning the house one time and saying it's his fault hasn't made you accept his years of lies and deceptions and let things get
back to his idea of normal.
Good for you.
But do try to detach from the emotional hurt of his "punishing" you and don't fall back into line with what you know is against your own ethics.
You are absolutely right, I am detaching and it feels pretty darn good. I do have my moments which reminds me I still have work to do like when a song on the radio come on.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Pelican
It's hard to understand an addict's thinking. I finally understood that an addict's thinking is dis-ordered (not normal), so trying to apply reasonable, sane thinking to figure out my AXH made me crazy.
I know I sensed rebellion from my AXH when he noticed I was making positive changes in myself (reading Codependent No More, attending Alanon, etc). The healthier I became, the more he ridiculed my actions.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are responsible for your own recovery.
If he is mad/angry/resentful; well, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
I know I sensed rebellion from my AXH when he noticed I was making positive changes in myself (reading Codependent No More, attending Alanon, etc). The healthier I became, the more he ridiculed my actions.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are responsible for your own recovery.
If he is mad/angry/resentful; well, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
If he is mad/angry/resentful; well, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.[/QUOTE]
How funny a few months ago I would of been let me clean your pants now im like screw you figure out how to wash your own pants.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
"How funny a few months ago I would of been let me clean your pants now im like screw you figure out how to wash your own pants"
Good for you liloleme!
Get that SOB his very own bottle of Spray and Wash for New Years Day.
The card should read "For the stains that will come out"
Good for you liloleme!
Get that SOB his very own bottle of Spray and Wash for New Years Day.
The card should read "For the stains that will come out"
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
"How funny a few months ago I would of been let me clean your pants now im like screw you figure out how to wash your own pants"
Good for you liloleme!
Get that SOB his very own bottle of Spray and Wash for New Years Day.
The card should read "For the stains that will come out"
Good for you liloleme!
Get that SOB his very own bottle of Spray and Wash for New Years Day.
The card should read "For the stains that will come out"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Pelican
It's hard to understand an addict's thinking. I finally understood that an addict's thinking is dis-ordered (not normal), so trying to apply reasonable, sane thinking to figure out my AXH made me crazy.
I know I sensed rebellion from my AXH when he noticed I was making positive changes in myself (reading Codependent No More, attending Alanon, etc). The healthier I became, the more he ridiculed my actions.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are responsible for your own recovery.
If he is mad/angry/resentful; well, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
I know I sensed rebellion from my AXH when he noticed I was making positive changes in myself (reading Codependent No More, attending Alanon, etc). The healthier I became, the more he ridiculed my actions.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are responsible for your own recovery.
If he is mad/angry/resentful; well, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
I read this again and it makes sense. I would ask myself geesh I wouldn't treat a dog the way I have been treated how on earth can someone look at themselves in the mirror everyday? But then again that is the difference of a normal vs an addict
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
"I'm in my room reading my Codependency book and the looks I get as he comes in to use the restroom, Geesh if looks could kill."
Yep; He walks in the bedroom and sees you reading that book and he knows
his days of getting away with what he has been doing are numbered.
Like Pelican says, "You are responsible for your own recovery" and it looks to me
as though you've made a fine start.
I'm off to bed and some reading of my own.
hugs to offset Mr. Grumpy right below:
(((((liloleme)))))
Yep; He walks in the bedroom and sees you reading that book and he knows
his days of getting away with what he has been doing are numbered.
Like Pelican says, "You are responsible for your own recovery" and it looks to me
as though you've made a fine start.
I'm off to bed and some reading of my own.
hugs to offset Mr. Grumpy right below:
(((((liloleme)))))
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
My observation . . .
The hate is internal (to them).
It just gets directed and focused on you/us.
And yeah, the steeper gradient you are taking towards getting well -- e.g. reading various books, working the program, all the rest -- is going to get you more.
To paraphrase Mother Teresa . . .
Get well, anyway.
In the end, your program and getting well is between you and God. Not you and the A.
The hate is internal (to them).
It just gets directed and focused on you/us.
And yeah, the steeper gradient you are taking towards getting well -- e.g. reading various books, working the program, all the rest -- is going to get you more.
To paraphrase Mother Teresa . . .
Get well, anyway.
In the end, your program and getting well is between you and God. Not you and the A.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
That hate you are talking about, that is more like "hate" of a little child (perhaps of a bratty teenager?) who sees that he is not going to get what he wants anymore. Yesterday, I was reading an article on codependency when my hubby came in and asked me what I was reading. And I told him, "I am reading an article about codependency." He asked, "Is it about me?" And I told him, "No, it is not about you." And it seriously was not. A few months ago, I would probably try to hide what I was reading, but I have reached that point where I do not care what he thinks (and looks cannot really kill you, been there, done that, does not work). And of course he had another tantrum later, but hey, guess what happened? He went to bed without supper.
And then, before I fell asleep, I was thinking, God (and I am not actually a religious person, raised in a strictly atheist family), I have only you as a true friend. I cannot trust my husband; he will turn against me in a second if something is not the way he wants it to be. And then, I was happy again. Can you really have a better ally than a higher power that is always on your side? So yeah, hubby can hate me, but detachment stays.
And then, before I fell asleep, I was thinking, God (and I am not actually a religious person, raised in a strictly atheist family), I have only you as a true friend. I cannot trust my husband; he will turn against me in a second if something is not the way he wants it to be. And then, I was happy again. Can you really have a better ally than a higher power that is always on your side? So yeah, hubby can hate me, but detachment stays.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
That hate you are talking about, that is more like "hate" of a little child (perhaps of a bratty teenager?) who sees that he is not going to get what he wants anymore. Yesterday, I was reading an article on codependency when my hubby came in and asked me what I was reading. And I told him, "I am reading an article about codependency." He asked, "Is it about me?" And I told him, "No, it is not about you." And it seriously was not. A few months ago, I would probably try to hide what I was reading, but I have reached that point where I do not care what he thinks (and looks cannot really kill you, been there, done that, does not work). And of course he had another tantrum later, but hey, guess what happened? He went to bed without supper.
And then, before I fell asleep, I was thinking, God (and I am not actually a religious person, raised in a strictly atheist family), I have only you as a true friend. I cannot trust my husband; he will turn against me in a second if something is not the way he wants it to be. And then, I was happy again. Can you really have a better ally than a higher power that is always on your side? So yeah, hubby can hate me, but detachment stays.
And then, before I fell asleep, I was thinking, God (and I am not actually a religious person, raised in a strictly atheist family), I have only you as a true friend. I cannot trust my husband; he will turn against me in a second if something is not the way he wants it to be. And then, I was happy again. Can you really have a better ally than a higher power that is always on your side? So yeah, hubby can hate me, but detachment stays.
"Yesterday, I was reading an article on codependency when my hubby came in and asked me what I was reading. " Wow your husband at least asked you what you were reading lol. Mine could care less. I had a moment today as I was on my way to the gym how I didn't realize how unloved I am. I don't even know when it started. I am always without him, I hardly ever get hugs and kiss forget it. He really is like having a roommate, now that I think about it.
Where has my brain been for 10+ years ?? Walking around earth thinking everything was fine. Even my neighbor who just moved in asked me where my husband is? He noticed i'm always alone.
"Can you really have a better ally than a higher power that is always on your side? " You are correct that is how I've survived this marriage/roommate situation.
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