JustAGirl1971

I think I need to write this down to hold myself accountable. I'm finally ready to ask my AH to leave. My original plan was to wait another month to allow me to save up some money & file our taxes (so the refund would be on the way.) And, if I'm being honest, to give him time to prove that he could change. The thing is, I'm sick of waiting. DS15 has been at my parents house for 3 months. 3 long, horrible months. I really, really just want him home. Originally, I was willing to wait, to give counseling a shot. See if he would do AA as he promised. We did go to counseling.... for 6 weeks. Now, I go alone. He did agree to go to AA a month ago.... but he still hasn't been. And he did quit drinking almost 2 months ago. Last night, he confirmed what I suspected. He is drinking again. If he's not even going to try, there's no point giving him any more time.

So, why am I so scared to do it? I think I made my peace with the decision last night (since I obviously wasn't sleeping!) Scratch that, I've been slowly making peace with this decision for the last few months. The thing is, I'm not sure how he'll react. He's generally a very mild, passive person but on the rare occasion, the claws come out. Most of the time, it's just verbal abuse... like the altercation that sent DS to my parents' house. But, he does have a history of some mild physical violence. And, he did threaten me the last time we discussed divorce several years ago. Also, when his last employer let him go, he destroyed some of their property (small programs he'd written for them.) So, I guess my question is, how do I ask him to leave in a manner that is the least likely to cause a bad reaction from him? And, yes, I know I can't control his reaction but some words/mannerisms are more likely to incite anger quickly than others. Suggestions and BTDT stories or advice appreciated.

Stung

I'm not in a place to give anyone advice about any of this stuff. But OMG it is very scary to tell someone to get out, especially without an event to lead up to a big "GET OUT!!"

Sending you strength and hugs!

suki44883

If you think there's a chance he could be physically violent, then I would suggest having a family member (preferably male) or close friend there when you tell him. I wouldn't say the words "GET OUT." Perhaps just mentioning that you think you both need time to work on your own issues and you feel a separation is in order?

Of course, it's possible he will refuse to leave, so what then? Do you have a place to go? Can you go to your parents' house until you can get on your feet?

JustAGirl1971

Thanks, stung. It is hard

Yes, suki, I could stay with my parents short-term while looking for an apartment. Even without money saved, I could probably move us into an apartment fairly quickly. The main reason I'm not just leaving is because AH can not afford to stay in the house alone. I can. I also don't want to leave my cats and have nowhere to take them. But, if it comes to it, I will leave. On the adult male, our oldest DS is an adult and is temporarily living with us. But, I guess that's not really fair to do to him.

suki44883

That is all understandable. It would be easier for everyone if he would just leave. However, whether or not he can afford to live there on his own won't really matter right now. He could be angry that you want to separate and refuse to leave just because he knows it would make things much harder and you might just decide to stay for all those reasons you mentioned.

Addicts can be very vengeful when they feel threatened. If someone is there to protect you from physical harm, he will look for other ways. Like forcing YOU out if you want out of the relationship. Just some food for thought.

Hawkeye13

I like the idea of "seperation to figure things out" and what if your DS is in his room or something where he doesn't have to hear but can come if needed?

Knowing an adult male is in the house who would defend you may be enough to end any thoughts of acting out physically.

Other suggestions: Talk in the morning, possibly at the kitchen table and make some coffee and say we need to talk. Not too much warning. Have a few "plans" worked out (if he says A, I say B, etc.)

Stay calm and if he doesn't want to move, ask him how he plans to afford the house. Say that that can be (re)negotiated in the future, but right now you can swing it but he can't and that he needs time to work on his sobriety, etc. without the pressure of earning money, upkeep, etc.

If he gets horsey, like suki suggested, then say you are moving and he will have all of the upkeep and payments beginning right away.
Have you protected yourself with your own account at bank, can remove 1/2 assets, etc. before this happens?

You can do it!

JustAGirl1971

This is all what I'm afraid of. When I do it, I will make sure DD is out of the house. I guess I will just give oldest ds a heads up and let him decide whether he wants to be here or not. I'm not sure who to use as the adult male. Definitely need to give this some thought.

My back up plan is to stay with my parents short term. Once I sign a lease on an apartment, it's a given that we'll lose the house since I can't pay for both. But, if it comes to that, it comes to that. The safety, health, and happiness of me and my children are worth far more than a house. Thank you.

JustAGirl1971

Thanks, Hawkeye. Those are all good ideas. I definitely have some more planning (& praying!) to do.

Blueskies25

Hello there. I am just under four months after asking my AH to leave and it was hard. He played around for a day or two with housing forms online but said he was having trouble getting them to load (yeah right) so whilst he was out I self referred him to our homeless service here in the UK and he was house a week later as was a risk to our children (2 and 5 at the time). Hon, it was hard going and contiues to be. After he left I discovered more and more lies he had covered up including theft from his demented mother, fraud, affairs (this is a man who worked for a charitable project for learning disabilities), and I instigated divorce very quickly. My children are blooming and I love them dearly. I struggle with my own loss but I am hoping time will heal. Your story is like mone in that he was essentially a gentle man but had started to display what i would term mild violence (one punch, but then more pushing and some hair pulling at time went on). I know that you will feel peace as well as gried when he is gone but I agree with the other posters that maybe having somewhere for you to go as back up or to be with you is agreat thing. After I had asked him to leave (it took ten days to get him housed) I drove a long way with my girls and collected a male family member to stay with us at the insistence of my other family members. This was before I had even contemplated admitting that he had started to turn physical/verbal/emotional but my family and I did know by then that he was A but at that point I still stupidly thought he would realise what he was losing and sort himself out and come back to us. No. He walked into another relationship two weeks later. And you know what? It was very painful but it made my decision process much clearer - there was no choice but to regain life and control of my life and that of my children. I am grateful not to be hanging onto a dream which would never have come to fruition. I have weak moments when I long to call him and ask him to come home but then I remember it is who he was I miss, not who he is. Last night was the first time I have even posted on here and already I feel utterly relieved and support. So to you, Justagirl71, right now there is someone in Scotland Uk sending you hugs and hugs and hugs.

Blueskies25

ps - in the week it took him to leave, I cancelled all joint bank acs etc and made plans of what I would give him to take with him. It kept me busy and focussed.